Bad at Flirting

There are lots of things I’m no good at.

Burpees, for one.

Twerking, for another.

Also I can’t dance worth a damn (but I still try).

And my Swedish is atrocious.

Nevertheless, when I need to call on those skills, I do my best to do my best.

What saves me is my great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself.

This last burn, I was told by some wise guy that I am “BAD AT FLIRTING.”

Like one of the worst he’d ever seen.

I was a bit surprised but quickly replied that my intention was to seduce him with my AWKWARDNESS.

He remained unimpressed.

It is a little known fact that I am a relatively shy person who PRETENDS to be vivacious and outgoing.

I am not though.

And it shows through whenever I have a crush.

The bigger the crush, the more mute I become.

It’s as if the more invested I am in the outcome, the more subtle I am.

Also?

I seldom come across men I am strongly attracted to so when it happens, I’m a little bit off-balance.

But, I’ve always enjoyed that feeling.

And crushing on the wise guy was no exception.

In the end, I got my man.

But I have to admit, my ego took a little bruising in the process.

I am lovely exactly as I am, awkward flirting skills and all.

It just takes a real wise man to see that.

I’m okay with that

For the first time in a long time, I realize I like somebody.

Just a friend I know casually though Burning Man, but nevertheless, I like him.

Specifically, he has this really nice calming effect on me.

Not that I’m high strung or anything, but it’s nice to be around somebody who makes you relax, take a deep breath, and be yourself.

Regrettably, his interest in me is likely non existent.

Par for the course with me.

I finally meet a decent single man and he isn’t the least bit interested in me as anything more than a friend.

Now, I could look at this as a failure.

As evidence that once again the universe is conspiring against me.

As proof that decent men aren’t interested in me and all I get are the rejects.

I could, but I won’t.

You see, my life is actually pretty damn nice.

And this guy, while not in the market for a romance with me, is still a nice friend whose company I enjoy.

AND I like to think of this as evidence that I CAN be attracted to nice, single guys not just the rotten ones.

So maybe it’s not a love match.

I’m okay with that.

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Is it me?

michelleSo.

There’s this blogger.

He’s a Brit with a rather interesting blog that I just checked out the other day.

If you get a chance, hit it up at The Entertainment Patrol.

I know very little about David except that:

  1. He comments on my blog.
  2. He doesn’t like smoking.
  3. He has an interesting affection for rhinos and sharks.
  4. He has a crush on another WordPress blogger.

That is the sum total of everything I know about him.

The good news is I can read his blog and learn more.

The bad news is I can read his blog and learn more.

You never know what you’re going to find out when you read someone’s personal blog. And since his seems to keep his blog more anonymous than mine, it could be A LOT MORE PERSONAL than unblunder.

What does a person say when there’s no accountability?

Well, as it turns out, his blog seems to be a platform for animal rights. Or at least a place for him to express his support of humans helping animals and not eradicating them from the face of the earth for all eternity.

It’s at times like this that I feel a little sheepish about my own lighthearted blog.

I mean, talking about boobs, lingerie, and facials does nothing to actually improve the world and actually sucks up a fraction of life while I write posts on those subjects and you read them.

There’s 1 minute of your life you’ll never recover.

Nevertheless, I stand by my blog for what it is:

Frivolous entertainment that stimulates your funny bone.

Bone, being the operative word here.

Ha!

In any case, part of me wants to read more of his blog and part of me doesn’t.

What’s the use in liking a (younger) man who lives across the pond?

That is the crucial question.

But of course, it does bring up another question. . .

. . . Exactly WHO is this WordPress blogger he has a crush on?

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The ultimate three-way

So.

I have developed a wicked new affection for two British actors:

samSam Heughan (technically, I think he’s Scottish) and

tomTom Hiddleston

I know. I know.

I’m not usually such a fan of pretty boys.

But these two really get me going.

In my dreams, this is my ideal three-way.

I can’t believe I just said that.

Usually I like my men a little more rough and tumble with shorter hair and tattoos.

Guys like Daniel Craig and Gerard Butler.

Guys who look like they would chop a quart of wood, skin a deer, and build a shed and still have enough energy left over to really plow my fields.

So I did what any girl would do.

I downloaded a movie with Tom Hiddleston in it.

Henry IV.

Which turns out to be a Shakespearean flick.

They were speaking the Queen’s English, but my ability to follow was limited by my exhaustion and unwillingness to focus enough to mentally engage the topic.

Scratch that.

So I downloaded “The Deep Blue Sea” which turned out to be a rather depressing love story which was more focused on Rachel Weisz’s dramatic chops than Tom Hiddleston’s acting talent and incredible beauty.

Strike two.

Obviously, not dating is getting to me because I feel COMPELLED to read/watch love stories.

Sam Heughan and Tom Hiddleston are just fueling the fire.

And in case you haven’t seen this, here’s one more reason to fall in love with Tom Hiddleston:

I Fell in Love Three Times This Weekend

First, a scholar visiting my work for an academic conference. And a lumberjack, complete with full red beard.

I “had” to give him a ride to his hotel.

He told me his life mottos was “Enjoy every moment” and I thought, “Wow, this is the man for me.”

Just like that, I fell in love.

Sadly, right after that he talked about his wife.

So I have a snowballs chance in hell with him.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Second, the caterer who staffed my dinner reception on Saturday night.

We hit it off an were bantering back and forth for most of the evening.

He was bright, funny, and handsome.  And he was a lumberjack.

As I was leaving, he came up to me, shook my hand and expressed regret that the two of us couldn’t go out for a drink.

But he didn’t ask for my number.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Third, I went to a Pleasure Party for my girl Melissa and saw my girl crush there.

Yes, I have a girl crush.

She looked sexy as always and good enough to eat.

The way she talks about football gets my blood flowing.

So I chatted with her about all things pleasurable and inwardly thrilled at her every word.

She admitted she falls for straight girls but is reforming her ways.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

But there you have it, I fell in love three times in one weekend and had my heart broken every time.

Oh l’amour…

Crushing on The Maestro

Friday, The Maestro met me at my work and we shared a cup of coffee.

He told me how to get tickets to Burning Man (my next big adventure) while I stared at his handsome face.

It’s no secret I have a crush on The Maestro. He is absolutely electric to me.  If he was a magnet, I’d be a paperclip… helpless to resist his pull and TOTALLY STUCK ON HIM.

From the moment I met  him, I’ve been drawn to him.  Although this is a cheesy way of explaining it, I can simply say I like his energy.

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant affection for them?  Been filled with a warm feeling inside?

That’s what it’s like with The Maestro.

My friend Marty is thrilled that I like an older man.  But then he loves to see experience triumph over youth.

And it’s true, The Maestro is not my usual “type”.  I like lumberjacks.  The Maestro is an engineer.

But that man sets me on fire.  I’m constantly holding myself back when what I really want to do is go through a suitcase of condoms with The Maestro.  Again. And again.

And HOLY HELL – what that man can do with his finger…

Well, it makes me flush.

My new crush

crush

Crushes. That panoply of hormones. That rush of excitement. That orgy of neurons.

Yes friends, I’ve got a crush.

And I’m loving every second of the roller coaster ride.

Right now I’m just admiring him from afar. Who needs to rush these things?

He is young, and deliciously tall, and handsome, and brawny. Just the way I like my men. And every time I get near him, my heart starts to jump sideways and I get a little lightheaded.

I want to strip him naked and do very wet and delicious things to him.

I’d like to lick him like an ice cream cone. Taste him like a banana. Savor him like whipped cream.

Oops! Did I just say that out loud?

I think I did.

I love having a crush. Something about it makes me feel so alive. The roller coaster ride of it all thrills me.

I like feeling off balance. I like the way I feel when he’s near… like I’m always aware of where he is in the room no matter what’s going on around me. Part of my brain is always focused on him.

And of course, my friends are rejoicing to know I have s crush since they come along so infrequently. And since my last one with Austin ended so abruptly.

Yes, this woman has a love interest and it may go absolutely nowhere, but I sure and hell am going to enjoy the ride!

crush

The post where I crush on a younger man

photo-4Last night I went to a dry ice hockey game to watch my cousin and his team play roller hockey.  They’re in the gold league now which means:

1. They’re good
2. Competition is stiff

And no one is stiffer than me at these games because my YOUNGER MAN CRUSH is on the hockey team.  Yes indeed, Alex – who I blogged about here –  was at the arena playing alongside my cousin Nick.

Once again, the air squeezed out of my lungs when he passed by and I got tongue tied in his presence.  I managed to squeak out, “Good game Alex.” He barely glanced at me. Drat!

I told my cousin Jennifer, “I will admire him from afar.”

She replied:  You would ruin him otherwise, lol

This is true. I have a feeling that this is a situation best left to the fantasies in my head instead of the realities in his bed.  Sigh.

But oh God, YUM!  I will take him every day of the week and twice on days that end in “y.”

My girl crush

So I have this massive girl crush on a man who is probably 15 years younger than me or more. I feel like such a cougar when I think of him. Rather ironically, I can’t talk to him or look at him.  And when we’re in the same room, I get funny little heart palpitations and sweaty palms.  It’s like I’m in high school all over again.  I love it!  

He’s the tall handsome man on the right in the picture below…
smack

I would trade a hundred $500 bottles of Malbec to help this man shower.  Yum, yum!

P.S.  Everyone else in this picture I’m related to.  Say hi to my family!