F*ck you 6XL!

I bought a pair of black denim shorts off a website called OpenSky.com.

Ha!

Turns out it’s just a fancy cover for yet another Chinese goods website.

How do I know this?

Well, I sort of suspected when I was offered the opportunity to select a XXXXXXL (6XL).

Hmmmmm.

So yesterday my 6XL jean shorts arrived in the mail.

I pulled them out of the bag and promptly threw them in the corner.

If a 6XL in China is a size 10 in the US, then I want to know the dimensions of a woman (girl/infant) who can wear a size XS?

Seriously!

There was like 12 inches of fabric missing and FOR SURE my ass would have hung out the back, and the sides, and. . . well, let’s not go there.

It kind of reminds me of the time I was fooling around with this guy in his RV illuminated by the light from my LED kitty ears.

I was sitting on his lap and he attempted to lift me up and adjust me as if I weighed NO MORE THAN A FEATHER.

Needless to say, he tipped over and gave himself a hernia.

I’m kidding about the hernia, but not about him (us) falling over. I managed to catch myself on a cabinet, but otherwise it would have been a DISASTER!

In my mind, I was thinking. . .”Did you NOT see the size of my thighs when we were flirting?”

Of course, he was drunk (and stoned) and so the answer to that question was probably an emphatic NO!

Needless to say, Chinese clothing makes me feel fat and I’m quite sure that if I ever took a trip there and the airline lost my luggage I’d have to walk around NAKED because there would be no clothes for me to wear.

HONESTLY!

How I can feel sexy and curvy one week and fat and disgusting the next I will never know.

Fuck you 6XL!

 

UPDATE:  I did, in fact, fit into the shorts.  Tejas laced me into them and WTF! They fit!  But they are SUPER teeny and puts all my curves (and lumps and bumps) on display.

Curves on the playa

I MAYBE went on a little spending spree to get some outfits put together for Burning Man.

One thing I’ve noticed. . . my outfits are getting MUCH smaller.

Where I used to put together layers of clothing, I’ve now adopted a simpler methodology.

Short shorts and crop tops.

LOL

Seriously!

Bathing suits and micro skirts.

I have ONE long faux fur jacket I wear for warmth.

But otherwise, on the playa, I’ve got to stay cool and the best way to do that is to go naked. . .

Which I’m not going to do.

The second best way to accomplish that is to actually wear as little clothing as possible.

That I can handle.

Everyone will get to see my thick thighs and my bodacious boobs in these outfits.

Oh well.

It can trigger weird reactions in people.

Not everyone likes curvy women.

But some people do.

And I swear, if one person walks up to me to tell me how “BRAVE” I am to wear tiny outfits, I’m going to make them chew tinfoil while shaving their head with a cheese grater.

You see, it’s like this:

I see curvy women wearing minimal clothing ALL THE TIME and they look great, even with all those curves.

So I figure, the only thing stopping me from also looking great in tiny clothes is me.

I love my body.

It’s given birth three times.

I’ve nursed two babies and yet I still have great tits.

It’s survived 45 years of wear and tear.

It’s got plenty more mileage left to go.

So, without further adieu, here are the outfits for Burning Man 2019:  Metamorphoses:

Stiff Competition

I follow a handful of curve models on Instagram.

Seeing their bodies reminds me that my own isn’t freakish and ugly.

I appreciate what they add to my life – a little perspective outside what mainstream beauty magazines and the media deem “sexy.”

Each one of these women is beautiful in her own right.

I’ve noticed that a lot of these curve models however are directing people to their Patreon sites, a subscription which costs money.

The money is used by the curve models to travel to exotic locations, hire photographers, and take more photos for the Patreon collection.

Interesting, huh?

I actually know a lot of people who use Patreon.

It’s not just for models and modelizers.

It’s also for writers, graphics artists, photographers, etc.

I do not follow anyone on Patreon.

I suspect that what gets posted on Patreon are more explicit photographs of these curve models and I’m not going to pay for what I can see for free in my own bathroom mirror.

That said, I just happened to be reviewing photos in Instagram when I came across this:

“Sign up for my Patreon and watch a video of me eating a popsicle topless.”

Hmmmm.

Eating. A popsicle. Topless.

My first thought was, “Clever girl! I’d almost pay to see that.”

No, I didn’t pay to watch her eat a popsicle topless.

And no, I’m not going to post a video of me eating a popsicle topless.

I’m just saying that if you plan to become a curve model, be aware that the competition is STIFF.

No pun intended.

Curves

I have a curvy body.

It’s always been curvy, ever since I was in grade school wearing a D-cup bra in 7th grade.

My body is far from perfect.

I will never give Heidi Klum or Kate Upton a run for their money.

And I’m okay with that.

After YEARS of hating my body and trying to diet and exercise it into a mainstream shape, I’ve given up.

The downside to not having a perfect body is that I don’t look good from all angles.

The upside is, I gave away my last fuck years ago.

I will get naked and jump in a hot tub along with the rest of the crowd, heedless of who is looking at my naked body.

I want to have fun and I don’t want to let anything to get in the way.

Thick thighs?

Got ‘em.

Soft belly?

I’ve got that too.

Cellulite?

Pretty sure there’s acres of it on my backside.

Curvy butt?

I’ve got that in spades!

Ultimately, I think we all just like looking – naked, clothed, perfect, flawed, or whatever.

And every time I feel like I need to look different than how I look, I remind myself of the incredibly hot man who literally scooped me up and carried me off to his bed at Burning Man 2015.

Some guys (really) LIKE IT!

F*ck you 6XL!

I bought a pair of black denim shorts off a website called OpenSky.com.

Ha!

Turns out it’s just a fancy cover for yet another Chinese goods website.

How do I know this?

Well, I sort of suspected when I was offered the opportunity to select a XXXXXXL (6XL).

Hmmmmm.

So yesterday my 6XL jean shorts arrived in the mail.

I pulled them out of the bag and promptly threw them in the corner.

If a 6XL in China is a size 10 in the US, then I want to know the dimensions of a woman (girl/infant) who can wear a size XS?

Seriously!

There was like 12 inches of fabric missing and FOR SURE my ass would have hung out the back, and the sides, and. . . well, let’s not go there.

It kind of reminds me of the time I was fooling around with this guy in his RV illuminated by the light from my LED kitty ears.

I was sitting on his lap and he attempted to lift me up and adjust me as if I weighed NO MORE THAN A FEATHER.

Needless to say, he tipped over and gave himself a hernia.

I’m kidding about the hernia, but not about him (us) falling over. I managed to catch myself on a cabinet, but otherwise it would have been a DISASTER!

In my mind, I was thinking. . .”Did you NOT see the size of my thighs when we were flirting?”

Of course, he was drunk (and stoned) and so the answer to that question was probably an emphatic NO!

Needless to say, Chinese clothing makes me feel fat and I’m quite sure that if I ever took a trip there and the airline lost my luggage I’d have to walk around NAKED because there would be no clothes for me to wear.

HONESTLY!

How I can feel sexy and curvy one week and fat and disgusting the next I will never know.

Fuck you 6XL!

 

UPDATE:  I did, in fact, fit into the shorts.  Tejas laced me into them and WTF! They fit!  But they are SUPER teeny and puts all my curves (and lumps and bumps) on display.

Grilled cheese and gin and tonics

Now that I’m stepping on the scale a few times a week, I’m feeling very sheepish.

Like HOW IN THE WORLD DID THAT HAPPEN?!

One minute I was frolicking nude in my backyard, to devil with the neighbors, and the next minute I could barely stand to see myself naked.

Oh yeah, I know.

Curves.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But when did I get so CURVY?

You know when your kids are 16 and 18 you can no longer use the pregnancy weight excuse.

So I guess it’s all the grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics I consumed.

I’m still plugging along on my diet.

In two weeks I’ve lost 6 pounds.

Which is an accomplishment, but is also frustrating me.

Like can’t this go ANY FASTER?

I’ve got bikinis to wear, and bodysuits to rave in, and lingerie to pose in, and photos to take!

And I just want to get to my destination AS FAST AS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

I suppose since it took me 10 years to get here I should have a little patience.

Working hard for something makes you value it ALL THE MORE.

And it will certainly deter me from ever eating an excess of grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics.

Right?

When he likes your “type”

I got a message from Francis.

“You voluptuous vixen”

He proceeded to compliment my “curvy package” and as the conversation progressed, it got hotter and hotter.

FullSizeRender(3) FullSizeRender(4) FullSizeRender(5)I am an archetype.

An archetype is a perfect example of something. In my case, a big beautiful blond with a very curvy body. An Amazon, according to my friend Marty.

Initially, I was really excited. How often do I get to experience someone’s complete and total adoration of my body?

Sadly, not that often.

It was an exciting feeling to be adored like that.

But then I started to feel a little flat – as if I had been reduced to a one-dimensional characteristic of myself… my body.

Despite all the dating I do, I’ve never had someone lust after my body so strongly that they ignored all the other (much more valuable) parts of me – my intelligence, my kindness, my generosity, etc. Things that I think make me sexy.

I’m sure I’d enjoy being worshipped by Francis. As much as I enjoyed his exuberant appreciation for my body.

And given that I don’t have the “Barbie” archetype body that is so idolized in our culture, I think I will take this young man’s appreciation of me and savor it just a little bit longer.

Just. A. Bit.

What do Victoria Secret Angels have to do with Burning Man?

What do Victoria Secret Angels have to do with Burning Man?

Screen Shot 2015-05-05 at 3.59.49 PMNothing, you think, but YOU’D BE WRONG.

According to Pinterest, VS Angels have EVERYTHING to do with Burning Man, though I can’t quite figure out why.

They’re wearing HUGE MOOPY PAIRS OF FEATHERED WINGS. There’s GLITTER AND SEQUINS all over their outfits. And I’m pretty sure not much on them is AUTHENTICALLY THEIRS (hello implants and plastic surgery).

Do over sexualized, hyper thin women with great hair and unique physiques really represent the festival of Burning Man?

I could no more represent a VS Angel than I could emulate a bear. It’s out of my realm of possibilities.

What does this pinning say about the image of the Burner Woman?

I’ve met many of them and they’re all beautiful but not represented by a VS Angel very well. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors. And as diverse as they are they all have one thing in common…. they can’t be defined by an archetype.

Maybe the pinning of VS Angels to Pinterest Burning Man boards says more about the pinner than it does about Burner Women. Maybe for the pinner, it’s about what the VS Angel represents – sexuality, beauty, and extremes, something Burner Women have in spades.

The last thing I can do is hold up an image of a VS Angel and expect it to inspire me to express myself more fully on the Playa or make me feel more beautiful.

That’s just not going to happen.

This, incidentally, is the most common Burning Man image I come across on Pinterest when doing any “Burning Man” search.

BMPersonally, I’ve struggled to find images of burner women in mainstream sources which truly represent what I hope will be my experience on the Playa. Where are my curvy ladies? Where are my thick girls? Can I get a plushie?

Regardless of what gets pinned to Pinterest, I’ll still be going to Burning Man. And I’ll still be bitching and moaning about the skinny bitches on Pinterest.

Cuz as you all know, I’m no Angel!

 

Dangerous Curves

I have a board on Pinterest called “Curvy: Plus Size Inspiration.” It basically exists so that I can remind myself that women are beautiful at all different sizes and you don’t have to be a size 2 to be sexy.

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me feel about my own body to see other women with similar curves and I only wish that mainstream media would show a little more body diversity to help developing girls love their bodies and be happy with themselves.

All this is to say that every time someone pins one of my pins on Pinterest, I get an email notice. And I’ve got to tell you that it thrills me to report that THIS PIN GETS THE MOST PINS AND ALMOST ALL OF THOSE PINS ARE FROM MEN.

That’s right. There are men out there who more than like curves, they love curves and they have their own Curvy and BBW Pinterest boards out there as well. In one week the image has been pinned by:

  • Michael Lee
  • Will Potter
  • Don Smith
  • Andrew Lopez
  • Milan
  • Joe Evans
  • Chad
  • Mike Davis
  • William Domo
  • David Moskow
  • Chris D
  • Brent Lewis
  • Royce Gibson
  • Datoine Tate
  • Josh C
  • Grav Rush
  • and John Clark

In particular, I love this image that all these men seem to gravitate to because I could totally rock the dress the model is wearing. In fact, I’ve even found a similar dress online:

So there you have it… beauty in all different shapes and sizes can be appreciated by many men out there. There’s no reason to hate my body because it doesn’t fall within the narrow range of standards set by the fashion industry.

Hell, in Renaissance times I’d be known as A TOTAL BABE!

Calvin Klein and “plus size”

Recently, designer Calvin Klein has come under fire for hiring model Myla Dalbesio, a size 10 figure, and holding her up as an example of a PLUS SIZE woman.

Plus size typically refers to size 12 or larger. Since the average woman is a size 14, Myla falls significantly below what would be considered a typical plus figure.

First of all, I want to say WHY ALL THE HATE? Myla is beautiful, and yes, she is larger than the typical size 0s or size 2s we see in mainstream advertising.

You know what I call that?

PROGRESS.

But just so you know my definition of plus size and what I find beautiful in plus size women, I’m posting some of my favorite pics of plus size women – looking sexy and beautiful in their size 12+ bodies.

Enjoy!

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