Pole Dancing

The irony about going to see the movie Hustlers, which has a rather INFAMOUS scene of Jennifer Lopez pole dancing in a white string bodysuit, is that I too have taken pole dancing lessons.

I took them at an actual pole dancing studio by my house and enjoyed them enough that I came back and took a lap dancing class.

Mind you, I have no one to pole dance for or to give a lap dance too, but when I do you can rest assured, I am prepared.

So back to Hustlers. . . Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely incredible throughout the entire movie.

The pole dancing was hyped to be extraordinary (and it was) but it was limited to one scene.

Which I found rather disappointing.

If you’re expecting a repeat performance of Demi Moore in Striptease, you’re bound to be disappointed.

What I can say about pole dancing is this.

It’s athletic and artistic and sexy ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

I’m not very good at it.

Honestly, it’s hard to get myself twelve inches off the floor on a pole, but I keep trying to improve.

Of course, it’s challenging when you don’t have your own pole to practice on.

Lap dancing is MUCH easier.

You can do it anywhere.

I still remember some of the rules:

  1. Move  s l o w l y
  2. Touch yourself
  3. Make eye contact
  4. Smear yourself across your partner

There is more good news as well.

I can now attend a pole dancing expo in my local studio, open to women only.

I’m guessing I’ll sign up and go.

Nothing like spending $20 to watch beautiful women show off incredible dance moves on and off the pole.

Count me in!

Bohemian Rhapsody

So I’ve got this BRILLIANT idea for my birthday party.

It’s on November 2nd, when the Freddie Mercury biopic movie called Bohemian Rhapsody comes out.

And I’m thinking that’s the PERFECT reason to have an 80s party – starting with the movie and ending at a dance club.

I mean, when I was asked what person I’d most want to spend a day with at Burning Man, my answer was Freddy Mercury.

And the person, living or dead, I’d most like to see in concert?

Freddie Mercury!


I just love Freddie Mercury.

Can you tell?

So, it goes without saying that I will DRESS UP LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY.

There are so many outfits out there to choose from but the one I like the most has a yellow jacket and striped white track pants.

Oh, be still my heart!

How much I can’t wait to cross dress as Freddie Mercury!

The only thing I’m sort of neglecting to mention is that my birthday isn’t for another 5 months.

So I’m A BIT ahead of schedule.

Even for me!


Any discussion of the Suicide Girls’ Blackheart Burlesque show has got to start with this phrase – HOLY EFFING SHIT!

Because, quite honestly, from start to finish you were blasted with the beauty, sensuality, athleticism, and artistry of the young performers.

I took Yvonne to the show as a birthday present and periodically throughout the performance, we’d look at each other and say, “HOLY EFFING SHIT!”

It was that amazing.

Imagine if burlesque dancing was more than just a strip tease to slow throbbing music.

What if burlesque dancing was clever?

What if burlesque dancing incorporated pop culture?

What if burlesque dancing made a statement?

Imagine stormtroopers stripping with Boba Fett.

Imagine big green feathered pot leaves fanning nearly nude bodies to the tune of “Habits (Stay High)” by Tove Lo.

Or perhaps you can envision the creepy bunny rabbit from Donnie Darko stripping down to naught but a g-string, bunny tail, and pasties while “Mad World” blasts over the sound system.

Well imagine no more.

The Blackheart Burlesque crew INVITED us to take pictures and post them with the hashtag #BlackheartBurlesque and #ThatAss.

So that’s exactly what I’m doing.






I’m almost ashamed to admit this

white witch michelleI’m almost ashamed to admit this.

I’ve been thinking about going to Burning Man again and as I was thinking about things I’d like to do THIS TIME AROUND (besides A.  Don’t get dumped, and B.  Don’t go out with wet hair during a dust storm).  And as I sat and thought about it, it just came at me:

I’ve never gone dancing at Burning Man.

Oh sure, I danced at Ali Bar Bar a few times, but I’ve never hit the Esplanade with the express purpose to go clubbing.

And I think that’s one of Burning Man’s strong suits for nightlife – clubbing.

Yes, I’ve gotten naked at the Sauna Dome.

I rode past the Orgy Dome.

I even let 6 strangers bathe me with spray bottles at the Human Carcass Wash.

But I’ve never really danced.

At least not properly, for hours on end, with friends.

Part of the problem is that my closest friends at Burning Man prefer to hang out in bars and enjoy the company of others instead of jumping into a minefield of bodies all writhing to the same techno beat.

So I think this year, one of my goals will be to really experience the dance scene at Burning Man at night.

That and get my C*cksucking certification from Retrofrolic for the 3rd year in a row.

Goals. . . gotta have ’em!




I went to my 25th high school reunion and by and large REALLY ENJOYED THE MUSIC.

I went in with low expectations, basically hoping that I’d meet a friend or two and catch up.

And I did!

I caught up with Kimberly, who I hadn’t seen in over a year.

I ran into people I recognized and people who I’d totally forgotten (sorry Eric and Jason).

But once again I was reminded of online dating – where the focus is on making small talk and getting to know the details (married, kids, job, where you live) etc., rather than making a real connection.

But by far what took the cake was running into a high school classmate who literally couldn’t stand to clap his eyes on me.

He was the one in the fancy suit who was posturing about, looking important with his wife who was obviously trying WAY TOO HARD.

Mentally, I rolled my eyes. HARD.

Meathead in high school, meathead in life.

Some people never change.

But oh, the ones who had!

One woman had so much work done she was UNRECOGNIZABLE!

By and large, I was impressed with my classmates as a whole. People I barely knew in high school chatted with me and shared their lives.

They were friendly, fun, and obviously as stunned that we were at our 25th HIGH SCHOOL REUNION as I was.

The music, performed by a band of alumni led by my friend Mark, was out of this world good and I was as impressed with Mark’s vocals as I was his good-natured response to an alumnus from 1986 taking over his microphone to scream the lyrics to “Don’t You Forget About Me.”


But what really capped off the evening, and I mean REALLY, was me going up to an old professor and shouting, “Hey! You taught me how to type,” followed swiftly by the expletive “fucker.”


I may have been referring to the time he gave me an unwanted, unsolicited, unpleasant backrub in class.


GNO at Blondies

deepbluefunkIt’s been a long time since I had a Girl’s Night Out aka a GNO.

I used to go out with my Aunt Stacey and my cousin Jennifer and the PTA ladies from Castro Valley to Blondie’s Bar and No Grill in the City.

We’d take BART there and then dance and drink furiously until it was time to catch the last train home.

A few of the notable events:

  • Getting kicked in the chin by one of the PTA ladies.
  • Watching someone who will remain unnamed try to eat a mint she picked up off the BART bathroom floor. Thankfully it was slapped out of her hand!
  • Ordering G-spots (a yummy awesome cocktail they make at Blondies).
  • Scarfing down pizza from the nearby pizza parlor.
  • Someone (who maybe kicked me in the chin) setting her pink penis lollipop down on my white pants.
  • Someone (who maybe kicked me in the chin) almost knocking me down on BART.
  • Another PTA lady eating a bunch of pepto pills and smiling with bright pink teeth.

It’s always an adventure going out with the PTA ladies and I miss them tons.

So when one of them announced a new (blue) cocktail at Blondies called the Deep Blue Funk, I figure it’s time to head back up to the City and have one.

The BLUE cocktail will match my BLUE (girly) balls which are quite starving right now.

I need to go to the City and get my flirt on at Blondies.

BottleRock Napa, part 1

BottleRock Napa… in one word?  Outrageous.  Fun. Wild. Crazy. Wine. Food. Music.  Friends.

For one crazy weekend, my girlfriends and I went to Napa and attended BottleRock.

We started out with a stop at Chandon Winery for a little sparkling wine flight and a bottle of champagne.  We purchased 3 more bottles of sparkling wine to take to our hotel, knowing we’d probably kill them that night.


Slightly inebriated, we went to our hotel and soaked in the tub.


Our soak was followed by a very exotic dinner at Denny’s.  Then we took a very expensive cab ride from Fairfield to Downtown Vacaville to go dancing.

Pool, beer, ghetto metal, and dancing ensued.  Then we took off and went dancing at Blondies.  A great time was had by all!

More on BottleRock in the next post…