How to prepare for a date

As a woman, there are certain things I do to get ready for a date.  I’ll admit, I go a little overboard.  But you’ve got to be prepared for everything so it pays to take your time and go through certain rituals.

Take for instance, my date for Valentine’s Day.

Now as far as I’m concerned, V-Day is a day just like every other day.  So don’t think that this is some SPECIAL ritual because of the holiday. No, this is my normal psychotic ritual.

  • Shave.  This one is mandatory.  Don’t want to be caught with any unsightly hair.  Also allows me to participate in post-date snuggling activities without being prickly.
  • Wax my business.  Or in my case, laser it off so it’s not there in the first place.  Allows for… ahem.. you know.  On the rare chance I decide I like him enough to do it.  It’s all about option, folks.
  • Botox.  Okay, I don’t do this with every date, but I do it every 6 months and it just happened to land on Valentine’s Day.  Basically, I do this because I’m 45 and vain and don’t want to look wrinkly and old. $170
  • Blow Dry.  This one I feel is mandatory.  My date made a comment that he liked my hair wavy so I went to the salon and got it styled the same way.  Do not underestimate how much of a boost you can get from a good blow out.  $50
  • Makeup.  I think I spent about 45 minutes doing my makeup.  Gotta look as good as possible.  Too bad there’s no makeup that takes off 20 pounds, though.

And there you have it – a $220 pre-date ritual.

And yes, I know.  None of these things matter because in the end it’s all about CONNECTING with the other person.  But I have to imagine that a little va-va-va-voom can’t hurt.

Of course, now you know how crazy I am when it comes to dates.

C-R-A-Z-Y !

 

Choke

For the Fourth of July, I was invited to hang with the new guy in his neck of the woods.

He planned to take me on a tour of his house, show me the new camping trailer, entertain me with his pool table for a little while before heading out to get dinner and see fireworks.

Decent plan, eh?

Did I mention that the new guy keeps cider and water chilled in his truck just in case I get thirsty?

Yeah, he’s that fucking thoughtful.

He really pays attention to the details and it shows.

So there we are, sitting at his house watching comedy sketches in the living room when he gets a phone call from his sister.

And his son.

They’re all gathering for the Fourth of July to watch fireworks and can we join?

The new guy sort of left it up to me.

Would I like to meet his family?

The answer is of course, BUT NOT YET.

It’s an important thing, meeting the family, and I didn’t want to do it a disservice by meeting them before I know exactly where the new guy and I are headed.

Maybe it was a smart move.

Maybe it was a bad idea.

For sure it was a hard thing to do, to just get up and leave earlier than I had anticipated.

But it was the right thing to do.

Right?

First Date

Sunday, I went on a date.

Not just any date – a TINDER date.

Yes, the online dating app well-known for hookups.

I picked him up (it was on my way) and we went to a small pub in Redwood City.

They had delicious German beers on tap and we partook of several before heading out to a nearby taco stand to get tacos.

After tacos we went to a liquor store to get the fixings for one of our favorite drinks – the Sazerac.

Then we retired to his place for cocktails and to play with his kitties (he has three).

Was there any action, you want to know?

The answer is OF COURSE.

It’s me, after all.

But I managed to behave myself.

Which wasn’t easy to do because not only was my date a lumberjack, he’s a very HANDSOME lumberjack who I could easily stare at for hours.

You can only imagine my excitement going out on a date with him.

I had a great time and it only got strange a little bit (like seeing a handgun on a countertop at his house).

I HOPE he had a good time and that we go out again, but only time will tell.

Birthday Sex

I had my first SLS date last night.

How did it go?

In a word?

Awesome!

He was clever, witty, engaging and funny.

He laughed at my jokes.

I felt an instant connection to him.

He was real, unlike some of the Match or POF dates I’ve had, who prattle on and on about their jobs, their income, their investment portfolios, and their cars while saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about who they are as a person.

Sitting across from me last night was an authentic man, available for fun and enjoyment.

And I really liked that.

I had such a good time, I hope I get to see him again soon.

And since his birthday is on Tuesday. . .

. . .we might set up a “birthday” date.

Something fun, wet, and wild!

You know me, I can NEVER pass up an opportunity to celebrate someone’s birthday!

And this gives me the opportunity to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

Win – win!

 

Mother of girls

My oldest son is going to the prom.

Not his prom, mind you.

He SKIPPED all of those when he was in high school.

It’s only now that he’s graduated, with a girlfriend still in high school that he’s decided to attend one.

Personally, I think she HOUNDED him to get him to go.

My son isn’t really into dancing or dressing up, two things that feature heavily at proms.

I feel like I should make him watch Pretty in Pink or something to prepare him for what proms are like.

Did I mention that this is a prom at my old high school?

Yes, so I know EXACTLY what’s in store for him.

Twinkle lights, tinfoil and tissue paper decorations, a tired DJ, the prom king and queen ceremony, all that stuff.

It’s making me nostalgic just thinking of it.

I kinda wish I could be a fly on the wall and go watch him.

The funny part of this is that I was contacted by his girlfriend, to tell me exactly what he needs to be prepared for the prom:

  • A navy bow tie
  • A navy cummerbund
  • And, of course, a CORSAGE

I went a little crazy ordering the corsage.

Something unique, I said. With a special wristband, not just the plain white elastic.

It MUST compliment the navy dress, I instructed the florist.

I went crazy to the tune of $45.

And we haven’t even shopped for his tuxedo yet!

I’m EXTRAORDINARILY happy he’s finally going to a prom.

It’s something that’s right up my alley and I think given my experience pulling together outfits, that he will be THE BEST LOOKING YOUNG MAN AT THE PROM.

It’s times like this that I realize I should have had a girl in addition to my boys.

I would have made an EXCELLENT mother of girls!

The one where she goes on a nice date

I had a date last week with a nice gentleman.

He played guitar for me and let me sing.

I’ll tell you one thing, it is NOT EASY to sing JANIS JOPLIN.

Not at all.

It’s easier to sing HOTEL CALIFORNIA but of course, the lyrics are hard to remember.

We started out with dinner at a Burmese restaurant.

It was quite tasty AND spicy!

Who knew I’d have a thing for coconut rice and tea leaf salad, including jalapeños!?

Just wash it all down with a Burmese beer and you’re good to go, you know?

Then he invited me to his place.

Since we’d already had the “I’m on 90 days of abstinence” conversation, I agreed.

Like I said, he was a kind, respectful gentleman and I trusted him.

We had fun drinking beer, talking about his travels, and playing music.

I sang Pat Benatar’s “We Belong.”

He played “Under Pressure” by Queen, which is a remarkably repetitive song, by the way.

Who knew?

In the end, I went home with barely a kiss on my lips, but a smile on my face.

He invited me on a trip to India with him.

Of course, if I go anywhere this holiday season, I’ll be going to Stockholm, not India.

But I appreciated the invitation!

Rude Boy

So there we are.

In the parking lot of The Jack Rose.

We met for drinks and spent about an hour chatting.

We walked to my car and he kissed me goodnight.

It wasn’t bad. Not fabulous, but it also didn’t suck.

I turned around to get in my car and that’s when it happened.

He punched me in my ass.

“What was that for?” I asked, a little freaked out.

“Smack dat ass,” he replied, telling me nothing except that he was a Rude Boy.

I barely know him.

He is not INVITED to smack my ass, let alone punch it.

I was offended.

I have a feeling he wanted to SLAP it but then felt awkward about it but didn’t manage to stop himself in time.

Hence, THE PUNCH.

I’m telling you this because ONCE AGAIN, I found myself in a situation where I am forced to remain composed when inside I’m raging.

You don’t touch me with WITHOUT my permission.

One drink, an hour of conversation, and one passably decent kiss DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SMACK ME.

Just to cap things off, I went home and climbed in bed.

He sent me a text:

“Take off you pants right now”

It’s gonna be a cold day in hell before I take my pants off for you.

Ironically, he’s a policeman in the Air Force, so he should know all about crossing the boundary between acceptable behavior and sexual battery.

Rude Boy.

Three strikes, you’re out!

I dated a drummer very briefly in high school.

His name was Joe and I was so ENAMORED of him.

He had big biceps and drove an old truck.

And he was quite the Italian Stallion.

We had exactly ONE DATE in the real world.

He showed up 30 minutes late because he got lost.

He took me out – I don’t remember what we did – and then he brought me home.

And THAT is when it happened.

He kissed me goodnight through his car window.

When we were done kissing he said, “Goodnight Lisa. . . I mean Melissa. . . I mean Michelle.”

My heart sank like a rock.

Strike one, strike two, strike three, I’m out.

Now, I’ve had 30 odd years to ponder this moment.

At the time I remember being crushed that he couldn’t remember my name.

Not even on his second attempt.

But upon reflection I’ve decided that my kissing skills are SO SUPERIOR that I KISSED HIM SENSELESS and he couldn’t recall my name because his brain was all doped up on a HUGE dose of oxytocin, courtesy of me.

That a much more preferable explanation.

Still, he’s the only man to forget my name.

And I will remember him FOREVER because of it.

I went on a date

I was excited to get out of the house.

It feels like it’s been FOREVER since someone took me out.

Like The Swede in May.

I was so excited to get out of the house that I actually went through way more preparation and ritual than I normally do.

I took a bath.

I shaved my whole body – even my legs.

Just in case, you know, they got TOUCHED.

Then I put on perfume.

Of course I stopped just shy of putting on body lotion.

I put on fresh antiperspirant, just in case.

I redid all my makeup.

Then I COMPLETELY forgot lipstick!

Left the house without a tube to my name.

Doh!

I know you all think I’ve been living like a nun these past few months, but I broke the mold on this date.

I was witty, and funny, and very VERY flirty.

He stood no chance against my charm.

Which was good because he was quite charming himself and I found myself having a good time.

At the end, of the date, he pinned my back against my truck, stuck one knee between my thighs, grabbed a fistful of hair and kissed me.

And was it good, you’re wondering?

Well, I’ll tell you this. . .

. . .it did not suck.

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