Mother of girls

My oldest son is going to the prom.

Not his prom, mind you.

He SKIPPED all of those when he was in high school.

It’s only now that he’s graduated, with a girlfriend still in high school that he’s decided to attend one.

Personally, I think she HOUNDED him to get him to go.

My son isn’t really into dancing or dressing up, two things that feature heavily at proms.

I feel like I should make him watch Pretty in Pink or something to prepare him for what proms are like.

Did I mention that this is a prom at my old high school?

Yes, so I know EXACTLY what’s in store for him.

Twinkle lights, tinfoil and tissue paper decorations, a tired DJ, the prom king and queen ceremony, all that stuff.

It’s making me nostalgic just thinking of it.

I kinda wish I could be a fly on the wall and go watch him.

The funny part of this is that I was contacted by his girlfriend, to tell me exactly what he needs to be prepared for the prom:

  • A navy bow tie
  • A navy cummerbund
  • And, of course, a CORSAGE

I went a little crazy ordering the corsage.

Something unique, I said. With a special wristband, not just the plain white elastic.

It MUST compliment the navy dress, I instructed the florist.

I went crazy to the tune of $45.

And we haven’t even shopped for his tuxedo yet!

I’m EXTRAORDINARILY happy he’s finally going to a prom.

It’s something that’s right up my alley and I think given my experience pulling together outfits, that he will be THE BEST LOOKING YOUNG MAN AT THE PROM.

It’s times like this that I realize I should have had a girl in addition to my boys.

I would have made an EXCELLENT mother of girls!

The one where she goes on a nice date

I had a date last week with a nice gentleman.

He played guitar for me and let me sing.

I’ll tell you one thing, it is NOT EASY to sing JANIS JOPLIN.

Not at all.

It’s easier to sing HOTEL CALIFORNIA but of course, the lyrics are hard to remember.

We started out with dinner at a Burmese restaurant.

It was quite tasty AND spicy!

Who knew I’d have a thing for coconut rice and tea leaf salad, including jalapeños!?

Just wash it all down with a Burmese beer and you’re good to go, you know?

Then he invited me to his place.

Since we’d already had the “I’m on 90 days of abstinence” conversation, I agreed.

Like I said, he was a kind, respectful gentleman and I trusted him.

We had fun drinking beer, talking about his travels, and playing music.

I sang Pat Benatar’s “We Belong.”

He played “Under Pressure” by Queen, which is a remarkably repetitive song, by the way.

Who knew?

In the end, I went home with barely a kiss on my lips, but a smile on my face.

He invited me on a trip to India with him.

Of course, if I go anywhere this holiday season, I’ll be going to Stockholm, not India.

But I appreciated the invitation!

Rude Boy

So there we are.

In the parking lot of The Jack Rose.

We met for drinks and spent about an hour chatting.

We walked to my car and he kissed me goodnight.

It wasn’t bad. Not fabulous, but it also didn’t suck.

I turned around to get in my car and that’s when it happened.

He punched me in my ass.

“What was that for?” I asked, a little freaked out.

“Smack dat ass,” he replied, telling me nothing except that he was a Rude Boy.

I barely know him.

He is not INVITED to smack my ass, let alone punch it.

I was offended.

I have a feeling he wanted to SLAP it but then felt awkward about it but didn’t manage to stop himself in time.

Hence, THE PUNCH.

I’m telling you this because ONCE AGAIN, I found myself in a situation where I am forced to remain composed when inside I’m raging.

You don’t touch me with WITHOUT my permission.

One drink, an hour of conversation, and one passably decent kiss DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SMACK ME.

Just to cap things off, I went home and climbed in bed.

He sent me a text:

“Take off you pants right now”

It’s gonna be a cold day in hell before I take my pants off for you.

Ironically, he’s a policeman in the Air Force, so he should know all about crossing the boundary between acceptable behavior and sexual battery.

Rude Boy.

Three strikes, you’re out!

I dated a drummer very briefly in high school.

His name was Joe and I was so ENAMORED of him.

He had big biceps and drove an old truck.

And he was quite the Italian Stallion.

We had exactly ONE DATE in the real world.

He showed up 30 minutes late because he got lost.

He took me out – I don’t remember what we did – and then he brought me home.

And THAT is when it happened.

He kissed me goodnight through his car window.

When we were done kissing he said, “Goodnight Lisa. . . I mean Melissa. . . I mean Michelle.”

My heart sank like a rock.

Strike one, strike two, strike three, I’m out.

Now, I’ve had 30 odd years to ponder this moment.

At the time I remember being crushed that he couldn’t remember my name.

Not even on his second attempt.

But upon reflection I’ve decided that my kissing skills are SO SUPERIOR that I KISSED HIM SENSELESS and he couldn’t recall my name because his brain was all doped up on a HUGE dose of oxytocin, courtesy of me.

That a much more preferable explanation.

Still, he’s the only man to forget my name.

And I will remember him FOREVER because of it.

I went on a date

I was excited to get out of the house.

It feels like it’s been FOREVER since someone took me out.

Like The Swede in May.

I was so excited to get out of the house that I actually went through way more preparation and ritual than I normally do.

I took a bath.

I shaved my whole body – even my legs.

Just in case, you know, they got TOUCHED.

Then I put on perfume.

Of course I stopped just shy of putting on body lotion.

I put on fresh antiperspirant, just in case.

I redid all my makeup.

Then I COMPLETELY forgot lipstick!

Left the house without a tube to my name.

Doh!

I know you all think I’ve been living like a nun these past few months, but I broke the mold on this date.

I was witty, and funny, and very VERY flirty.

He stood no chance against my charm.

Which was good because he was quite charming himself and I found myself having a good time.

At the end, of the date, he pinned my back against my truck, stuck one knee between my thighs, grabbed a fistful of hair and kissed me.

And was it good, you’re wondering?

Well, I’ll tell you this. . .

. . .it did not suck.

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0 for 2

Oy, are my dating skills OFF.

This week I tried to schedule two dates.

Date #1 was with a sexy photographer.

Yes, I know.

Despite my wariness of photographers, I agreed to a date.

First, he got the date wrong.

Then he cancelled.

Ok fine.

Maybe this is the universe trying to tell me something:

Like DON’T DATE PHOTOGRAPHERS.

At least I wont have to worry about him pointing a camera at me while trying to talk me out of my clothes.

And THEN. . .

I set up a date with a welder.

I was hesitant (again) but he seemed awfully nice until SUDDENLY he wasn’t all that nice.

He asked me which one of my pictures was the most recent.

All my pics are recent (within a year).

So I told him: They were all taken within the last year. Does it matter?

And he replied: Just curious.

Then he tacked on a wee little commentary: Sheesh.

Just curious. Sheesh.

And that was it.

The straw that broke the camel’s back.

Here I am trying to make a connection with someone and he’s giving me attitude.

This does not bode well.

And so it was that 15 minutes after I scheduled a date with a welder, I cancelled the date.

Perhaps I was a little rough on him.

Maybe I should have been more understanding.

But I was on the fence with him as it was and he just pushed me over to the other side.

I mean come on!

What am I? A piece of meat that’s being inspected or a person with feelings and emotions who needs to be valued as a whole person and not just a picture taken within the last year.

Sheesh!

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Kissing

When I went out with The Swede, at the end of our date, I thought, “Well, there’s a guy who will never ask me out again.”

Boy, was I wrong.

Of course, I based this on the fact that he was initially very quiet around me. I mistook his silence for disinterest.

And, he didn’t kiss me.

Well that’s because the two of us have completely different theories about who to kiss.

He believes in kissing only the people he really wants to kiss after he gets to know them whereas I believe in kissing as many people as will let me kiss them trying to find the good ones.

I know.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

I can kiss just about anyone, so long as they don’t have bad teeth or bad breath.

And I believe heartily in doing it.

Because let’s face it, it wouldn’t hurt the world to have a lot more kissing (and hugging) in it.

When it comes to kissing, The Swede has got to be right at the top of my list of best kissers of all time.

It may have taken a year to kiss him (he lives in Sweden, folks), but once I started, I didn’t want to stop.

You ever get so lost in a kiss that time passing by seems to disappear?

You ever lose track of your body and only feel sensation in your lips?

You ever feel the need to change your panties after a kiss?

That’s what kissing The Swede is like.

So color me happy he asked me out again and got around to kissing me.

We should have started kissing each other a lot sooner.

Who knew I’d need to go to Sweden to get kissed?!

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Stood Up

Did I ever tell you about the time I got stood up by a Tinder date?

It was my first time EVER getting stood up.

Sadly, it would not be the last time.

The thing was, I was kind of excited about this date and so I popped in at home, brushed my teeth, fluffed my hair, and actually misted myself with spray glitter.

Yes, I know, how very millennial of me, no?

And very playa unfriendly.

But I wasn’t on the playa, I was in Los Gatos.

We were scheduled to meet at at Oak & Rye, a nice pizza place that serves my favorite beer – Panty Peeler by Midnight Sun.

As I’m WALKING INTO THE RESTAURANT, I happen to glance at my phone and I have a message from my date.

Well, that’s a nice how-do-you-do?

I was peeved by the whole experience.

AND HE SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!

Mentally, I wrote him off.

Flake.

I was sorely tempted to reply:

NO RAINCHECK NEEDED!

But that’s just my inner bitch freaking out.

I actually sent no reply.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Fresh F*cking Michelle

MichelleRecently, I went on a date.

Not a bad date. As far as dates go, this one was pretty good.

He was filled with compliments.

He told me I was beautiful.

I just smiled and said “thank you.”

He paused.

“I want to let that sink in,” he replied.

Okaaaaayyy.

Sometimes, I get very self-conscious when people compliment me.

This was one of those moments.

Yes I’m beautiful but I’m no Cindy Crawford or Elle MacPherson.

I’m just little old me.

And it goes to show that maybe I’ve been a little bit worn down when it comes to dating that instead of being impressed by his compliment and touched by his sincerity, I felt like I was being buttered up.  I was instantly suspicious.

So I paused and let that realization sink in.

The idea that I am damaged somehow and hard to connect with.

The idea that I might be the “bad” part of a date.

So I made sure for the rest of the date to be my authentic self, dorkiness and awkwardness and all.

Damaged goods, my ass!

I’ll be damned if I’m going to let dating make me jaded.

I’m going to be fresh every fucking time.

Fresh fucking Michelle.

Come and get it!

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Sometime life f*cks with you

michelleI HAVE to write this post.

You see, a few years ago, I went on a date with Lou – an attorney from the Bay Area.

It was. . .

THE.

WORST.

DATE.

EVER.

You can read all about it here, in excruciating detail.

So.

I log in to Facebook last night and whose picture should appear under the heading “People you May Know” but Lou. . .

. . . posing with his bride, his daughter, and their white poodle.

Oh

My

God!

Someone ACTUALLY married him.

Someone young and beautiful ACTUALLY married him, I should say.

Now, I may have freaked out a little bit.

I may have momentarily felt like a loser because after all, if Lou can get someone to marry him, then what the hell is wrong with me?

Perhaps it was the two gin and tonics talking, but I reached out to a few friends and said, “WTF?!”

And see what good friends I have, they told me to get some rest, sleep off the gin, and things would look better in the morning.

And lo and behold, they do!

Thank you Arjang and Tejas – you were right!

So I’ve decided to adopt a more positive tone about this whole experience and say:

It just goes to show you – there’s someone out there for everyone.

Even Lou.

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