That’s just how I roll

Several months ago, I went on a date.

I had no idea at the time that what transpired on that date would make me swear off internet dating.

But it did.

You see, I kinda liked the guy.

He was respectful, thoughtful, and nice.

A real gentleman.

Per typical first date guidelines, we chatted about careers, family, hobbies, etc.

The usual.

And it went nicely.

I mean there were no fireworks, but I was so impressed that he wasn’t staring at my tits or trying to talk me into going back to his place that I didn’t care.

I was happy just being treated like a human being.

Granted, he was a former Mormon, with a big Mormon family and all the issues that go along with that.

But overall, he was a step up from what I’d been experiencing.

But then he said it.

“I think I can speak for both of us when I say there’s no chemistry.”

Wha?!

No chemistry?

First of all, please do not presume that after spending two hours with me that you can speak for me.

Second of all, how the hell would you know about our chemistry?

You haven’t even touched me.

It’s ironic, isn’t it?

A decent date caused me to swear off online dating.

But it’s true.

I drew a line in the sand and I haven’t crossed it since.

I may be a little on the “friendly” side, but I don’t make assumptions about chemistry until I’ve kissed someone.

That’s just how I roll.

Over The Moon

I turned d­­­­own a date today.

Not because it didn’t sound great.

It sounded very nice.

And not because I don’t find the guy attractive.

Actually, he’s at the far end of the handsome scale.

I know!

What was I thinking?

Well, I’ll tell you.

I was thinking of The Swede.

I was thinking how much I want to make him coffee in the morning.

And roll over in bed to see his face.

And I was thinking about how much I miss hugging him.

And kissing him.

There’s a whole lot of things I miss about The Swede.

How quiet he is until you get to know him.

How dedicated he is to his children.

How much of a prankster he is.

And so, for the first time EVER, I’m finally admitting I am OVER THE MOON for The Swede.

 

The Parade of Dates

Facebook is showing me profiles of “People You May Know” and somehow they have managed to be spot on.

Scrolling through those profiles is like rolling through the last 12 years of my life, in dates.

It must be because I haven’t deleted their phone numbers from my phone.

That is the sole connection I have with these men.

Some of them I dated right after my divorce in August of 2006.

I must say, they’re quite the handsome bunch of men, if a little eclectic.

There’s Charlie (yes, ANOTHER Charlie) who texted me FOREVER and yet managed to never actually take me out on a date.

Then there’s Matt – tall, blond, handsome, and very lumberjacky – who was basically MADE FOR ME but dropped me after three dates.

OMG, then there’s Link – I went out on a date with him and brought a friend because she liked his profile too so we figured we’d give him a choice.   However once meeting him, we decided he was for neither of us.

Of course there’s Louis, who is married to a young bride and (I suspect) has more children in his future, despite pushing 50.

And then, a regret. Kurt. I went out with Kurt 4 times before ghosting him. Not a proud moment on my part. He was a wonderful man.

It seems the only man who I dated who ISN’T on this list is my ex-boyfriend Luke, who has BLOCKED me on Facebook. Not because I tried to add him as a friend. Not because I was messaging him. But because he cheated on me with another woman while I was recovering from a miscarriage and the taste of his own betrayal is so bitter he has to avoid any reminder of his slimy behavior.

It’s at times like these, when I’m considering a do-over with these men, that I realize something very important.

IT’S TIME TO PURGE MY PHONE.

Luscious

michelle1The universe has so aligned itself such that I will have dates Friday, Saturday, AND Monday night – all with different men.

I’d better shave my legs and moisturize my body, is all I have to say on the matter.

But seriously, considering I’ve had no dates in the last three months, this is going to be a SHOCK TO MY SYSTEM.

I’m worried I may be out of practice when it comes to socializing, kissing, and . . .

But perhaps dating is like riding a bike – it’s hard at first but then it gets easier the more you practice.

Needless to say, my lingerie collection is going to get a workout.

I must match my undergarments to my mood and my perception of what my dates would most enjoy.

  • I’m thinking perhaps my red latex undies for Mr. Friday Night. I love how they make me feel so exotic and wicked. I’m sure he’d love peeling them off my body, no doubt.
  • Saturday Night is like an eager-to-please puppy. I know that he’ll be happiest with me wearing black – the color of my naughtiest underthings. Perhaps a black vinyl corset with matching boyshorts. He’d love THAT look!
  • And finally, Mr. Monday. I know very little about Mr. Monday therefore it’s going to be a challenge to find something that he’d like. I might as well just please myself by wearing my favorite outfit – a black lace teddy with garters and thigh high stockings. Totally smashing!

Even if my dates NEVER see my lingerie, at least I get a boost from them and enjoy the secret little thrill of knowing I’m wearing something totally luscious under my clothes.

latexteddy

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Dating, March 2015

Not much has been going on in the dating department.

I met one guy and went on a date with him – mini golf, burgers, and ice cream. Then he went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans where he texted me and sent me photos. Then he came home and NOTHING.

Nothing.

These things happen, I guess. I was afraid he was too tame for me so I wasn’t crushed by his change of heart.

Can you picture me dating a middle school principal? I’d blow his mind.

Then there was the crazy guy who told me:

He’s not divorced, and

He’s still living with his wife.

I don’t know about you but in my world we call that NOT DIVORCED. AKA STILL MARRIED.

Dude, slow down and take a break from women for a moment. Just give it a moment, okay? Would it kill you to wait until you’re at least officially GETTING a divorce?!

As of September this year, I will have been divorced for 10 years. That entitles me to some dates. I wish it entitled me to some GOOD dates.

But I’ll tell you this, pretty much every one I know who is single at one point or another, takes a break from dating. And not because it’s so wonderful they need to pause or risk getting their mind blown. No, it’s because dating pretty much SUCKS and some times you just burn out and need to take a break from it all long enough for dementia to set in and make you forget how completely horrid dating really is.

Right now I’m not suffering from dementia. Combine that with my passion in planning for Burning Man and I’m quite content to be living date-free.

Of course if any of you want to sext me, just let me know. Wink wink.

It’s been a while since I had good sext.