Crazy little thing called love

I’ve noticed a new trend popping up on Tinder.

Men posting profile pictures with them posing with models.

I have one thing to say about this:

Why?

I get that models are beautiful women.

They’re photogenic and look amazing.

But really?

I don’t want to see a future boyfriend posing with a HUGE smile on his face while he poses with these models.

It makes me think that they’re modelizers and looking for the same in a partner.

Legs for days and a face to make the angels weep.

Since they don’t seem to have a clue, I’ll give them a big hint about online dating profile pictures:

We want to see you with your dog, having fun with your best friend, perhaps even a family shot with the kids.

But NOT with models.

Which is why I like the newest man to email me.

We’ll call him The Giant.

He’s Scandinavian and Scottish with a hint of German in him.

He’s also 6’3” which isn’t something I look for but it certainly doesn’t harm his sex appeal.

The Giant and I have a lot in common.

More importantly, we reviewed our red flags together and I’m happy to report he is a monogamous man with lots of hobbies and interests who has been divorced for several years now and has a good job and education.

However, as vanilla as he sounds, he has friends in the alternative community and he would easily fit in at Burning Man, unSCruz, the Bare Burn, or a naturist resort.

He’s open-minded, which I like.

Wish me luck.

I’m trying my hand at this crazy little thing called love.

Again.

Cut Throat      

Ever since my renewed experience with ghosting, I’ve become a menace at swiping left on Tinder and closing dead-end connections.

I’ve developed a method for weeding out inappropriate men:

  1. Do I want to swipe right when I see their picture(s)?
  2. If yes, then I review where they are from.
  3. If they are 25 miles or less from me, I read their profile (if there is one).
  4. If they are married, polyamorous, ethically non-monogamous, in an “open” relationship, not looking for a LTR or looking for hookups, I swipe left.

I’ve been feeling like a cut throat dater lately because I’ve been REALLY GOOD at closing connections that are dead ends (see above list).

One guy called me a pet name RIGHT OFF THE BAT, which I hate!

I am ‘sweetheart’ to my friends and family but a stranger has to earn the right to call me that.

Forged intimacy is a no-no in my book.

I closed the connection with him.

Another man clearly lived WAY TO FAR AWAY (don’t know how he missed my filter), but I quickly closed our connection as well.

It pays to filter your connections post swiping too.

Sometimes you wind up with someone who is just visiting the area and looking for an easy hookup.

Their profile looks good but they’re not local.

I close those connections too.

It’s not as if I need MORE ENCOURAGEMENT getting involved in long-distance relationships, despite the fact that I’m really looking for someone local.

Everything is closer than Sweden, however.

Now, as soon as the first red flag goes up, I cut bait and run.

Pics with guns.

Donald Trump supporters.

Flaky texting.

Dick pics.

All these things set off my radar and I exit quickly once I’ve beentriggered.

I’m not being bitchy, I’m being efficient.

I’m a cut throat when it comes to internet dating.

Federally f*cked

In my haste to recover from my recent ghosting by the new guy, I met a Federal Agent.

On Tinder, no less.

He was tall, handsome, with a BIG chest, a thick beard and a completely bald head – just the way I like.

He was also in town investigating the Garlic Festival shooting.

What are the chances?

I can’t seem to escape from my connection to the shooting, FYI.

Fortunately, we discussed other topics.

Like how much we like our jobs, what hobbies we have, and our families.

We also flirted.

Heavily.

That’s what happens when you’re really attracted to someone (who sadly turned out to represent all my issues).

I sent titillating photos (nothing nude though because he’s a federal agent and I’m sure it’s illegal to send nudes to a Federal Agent).

He may have reciprocated.

Given my love of sexting, we MAY have had a phone call to talk dirty to one another.

It ended well.

The next day we were chatting when I realize I forgot to ask if he’s married.

Hint:  He is.

Totally unavailable.

The very DEFINITION of unavailable.

Also, the definition of a waste of my time.

He asked if I still liked him.

No, sorry.

I’m not here to judge but I don’t believe in getting to know someone romantically who is already attached.

It never ends well.

Ghost

The new guy is gone.

For those of you who were happy to see me with someone, who sent kind messages of support, thank you.

It’s been a nice two months.

But it has come to an end.

I wish I could give an explanation as to why.

Maybe we were not suitable for each other.

Perhaps someone else entered the picture.

I could hazard a guess but the bottom line is the same.

The new guy is gone.

The last I heard from him, he was struggling with the fallout from the Garlic Festival.

He is a Gilroy native, a former festival organizer, and an attendee, so I can understand his suffering.

And given that his near miss was also my near miss, I can relate to some of the survivor guilt I know he is feeling.

The good news, if there’s any to be gleaned from this, is that this has nothing to do with me.

For once in my life, I can look at a situation and recognize that it’s all about him or the shooting, or another woman, or something else.

But it’s not about me.

I’m not gonna lie.

Being ghosted hurts.

I am trying to remind myself, especially during these last few weeks when I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water with all the waves of loss rolling over me, that ghosting says more about the ghoster than the ghostee.

And if he’s comfortable with a legacy of indifference then so am I.

Update on The Swede

The Swede and his girlfriend are doing well, if Facebook has any say in the matter.

The other day, he posted a picture of the two of them, all dressed up in wedding attire, with her planting a huge kiss on his cheek.

Apart from loving his suit (complete with lavender shirt and matching silk tie) I was flustered by the photo.

I’m not gonna lie.

There were a few skewers of wistfulness and pangs of jealousy that went through my heart.

It seems that even though my head knows that The Swede is off the market, my heart needs a moment to take it all in.

It’s never a bad thing to be wistful over someone who was a good, decent human being to you.

For so long I convinced myself I wasn’t completely alone because there was somebody in Sweden who liked me.

It doesn’t even matter that I didn’t know him very well or that I only saw him a half dozen times over a three-year period.

He REPRESENTED something to me.

Hope.

Patience.

Friendship.

In the end, the friendship is what I’ll take away from this.

I expect the skewers of wistfulness and pangs of jealousy will decrease with time and OF COURSE the more I get to know the new guy, the more I wonder. . .

. . .The Swede, who?

Erotic Plans

Given my previous posts on the topic, some of you are wondering whether the new guy and I have gotten physical.

The answer is yes and he kisses like a dream.

I have yet to kiss that man and feel like I’ve had my fill.

I always walk away wanting more.

But no, we haven’t actually ‘done the deed.’

Does this bother me?

No and yes.

First of all, I think it’s great that I’ve slowed my roll long enough to stop, take a breath, and appreciate the person I’m in the process of getting to know.

The new guy is really awesome.

So capable, smart, and funny.

With interesting hobbies – like Star Trek, tinkering with cars, camping, and Comic-Con.

You can be sure there are two things in my future:  a Star Trek costume and wandering around Comic-Con in a Princess Leia costume.

Secondly, there’s something to be said for getting to know someone first before jumping in bed with them.

I know, I know.

I can’t believe I’m saying it too, but I have to admit, I REALLY like this guy.

So much so, that I feel totally and 100% comfortable waiting patiently until the right moment arrives.

HOWEVER, I am ever so slightly turned on – all the time.

My porn consumption has increased (yes, it has).

And I fantasize about having a moment alone with him, just the two of us, with no interruptions, no kids, no distractions, just him and me.

We will be going to the Gilroy Garlic Festival in the coming weekend.

And I was all excited because (you know) SLEEPOVER!

However, now it looks like there will be family staying over at the new guy’s place which throws a wrench in my erotic plans.

Nevertheless, I get to hang with him and his friends for the festival and that’s more than enough to make me happy.

Erotic plans or no.

STOP IT

My friend Tom, who I’ve written about here is now happily dating a fabulous woman.

He wrote a powerful blog post about his previous roller coaster relationship and it’s worth the read just to have sentences like:

“Chiseling away at the rotten foundations of something keeping an entire reservoir of crap I needed to let go of” and

“Hey, didn’t you see that red flag?  The one you just went flying right by?”

and

“Trainwrecks are exciting too.  Do you want to live on one?”

drop like bombs into your psyche and resonate with your own twisted relationship experiences.

I sent Tom this video to watch because STOP IT is the first thing I think of when someone tells me that they’re afraid of sabotaging their wonderful NEW relationship:

Of course, what with me skipping out on meeting the new guy’s family, Tom had a choice video to send to me as well:

My new friendship is so balanced and healthy, I’m unsure what to do with myself and FOR SURE I’m afraid to leap in with both feet.

But it’s not because I’m enjoying my perfect image of him in my head right now.

No.

It’s because I’m afraid if he digs a little further and I open up he’ll realize that I’m damaged and won’t want me any more.

Of course, that’s just an irrational fear I have that I will need to get over.

With the new guy or anyone else who comes along.

I’m rather good at confronting my fears:  sailing, flying airplanes, racing cars, learning to OM, running with the bulls, etc.

So I don’t anticipate this will be a HUGE impossible hurdle for me and the new guy to get over.

It looks like I need to just take some of my own medicine and just STOP IT and enjoy myself.

Choke

For the Fourth of July, I was invited to hang with the new guy in his neck of the woods.

He planned to take me on a tour of his house, show me the new camping trailer, entertain me with his pool table for a little while before heading out to get dinner and see fireworks.

Decent plan, eh?

Did I mention that the new guy keeps cider and water chilled in his truck just in case I get thirsty?

Yeah, he’s that fucking thoughtful.

He really pays attention to the details and it shows.

So there we are, sitting at his house watching comedy sketches in the living room when he gets a phone call from his sister.

And his son.

They’re all gathering for the Fourth of July to watch fireworks and can we join?

The new guy sort of left it up to me.

Would I like to meet his family?

The answer is of course, BUT NOT YET.

It’s an important thing, meeting the family, and I didn’t want to do it a disservice by meeting them before I know exactly where the new guy and I are headed.

Maybe it was a smart move.

Maybe it was a bad idea.

For sure it was a hard thing to do, to just get up and leave earlier than I had anticipated.

But it was the right thing to do.

Right?

Cowgirl and KFC

Hello internet, and welcome to my life where men complicate matters to the nth degree.

Take for instance this man:

Looks normal, with a somewhat goofy expression, but then read his profile:

“Ever had you’re a$$hole licked by a fat guy in socks?”

Nice!

He’s like the guy who asked for cowgirl and KFC at the same time.

Hey if you never ask, how can you receive?

I guess that’s the premise they’re working with.

Part of me is amused.

It’s pretty fucking funny, to suggest these things out in the open on a dating app.

The other part of me thinks there are better venues to fish for the kinds of women who would take them up on their offers.

It just goes to show – using online dating apps is like shopping at the discount outlet.

You’ve got to wade through quite a bit of shit to get to the good stuff.

It takes a keen eye, patience, and determination.

And a good understanding of what you’re looking for.

Even if it’s a good a$$hole licking. . .

“No LTR”

To all the men using online dating websites to meet women and write “Not looking for a LTR” in their profile, I have one thing to say to you:

WHY?

Why are you online AT ALL?!

Clearly you are so unfit for a relationship that you even recognize it yourself and yet you insist on putting yourself out there AS IF YOU ARE AVAILABLE with a disclaimer that you think somehow lets you off the hook for whatever damage you cause.

I don’t care how good looking you are.

I don’t care what kind of a car you drive.

Or how diversified your investment holdings are.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE!

There are good men out there.

Decent men who have everything you have only they’re not raving about how wonderful they are while at the same time swearing a little loudly and profanely that there’s no way you could be wonderful enough to make them want a LTR.

I’ve got news for you.

I am that kind of wonderful but you’ll never know.

Because I don’t date ASSHOLES anymore.

And I ESPECIALLY don’t date assholes who think slapping a disclaimer on their ASSHOLENESS absolves them of any responsibility in the dating world.

So you can take your disclaimer and shove it up your middle-aged, hairy ass.

That is all.