Foot in Mouth

So there I am, sipping a beer with a nice gentleman, chatting casually about Burning Man when he asked me a question.

I HEARD him ask, “So what’s was your favorite part of Burning Man?

My response?

The sex.

You just can’t save me from myself, can you?

He leaned in closer to me and asked, “Like sex on the beach?”

Wait!

What did you just ask me?

APPARENTLY, he asked me what was my favorite DRINK at Burning Man.

Oops!

So.

Now he knows that I’m a horn dog.

Also?

He knows I’m honest to a fault.

That must count for something!

Panty dropping

So there I am, minding my own business on Tinder. .

Yes, on Tinder.

I’m not having sex but I’m still dating.

In any case, I get a message from a guy called Larry.

Larry sends me a GIF.

It’s a GIF of a woman from the waist down.

She’s standing in high heels and wearing a short skirt.

All of a sudden, her panties drop to the floor and she steps out of them.

THIS IS HIS FIRST COMMUNICATION WITH ME.

O. M. G.

Why do I always get the sex perverts and fuckwits?

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I insult him.

I write back “Thanks for dropping your panties for me. While I don’t usually go for men who wear ladies underwear, I’m willing to give it a shot. Would you like to wear my red panties or my black panties?”

It was the most obnoxious thing I could think of saying in response to such a stupid opening “line.”

His response?

Classic.

He closed the connection.

Yes!

I’m finally doing something right!

Save

Halfway Mark

Just so you know, declaring a hiatus from sexual activity on your blog suddenly opens yourself up to all sorts of feedback on the subject.

A bunch of people laughed at the idea.

Until I told them I’d done it before. . .and succeeded.

Others jumped to my defense and claimed that there was nothing wrong with my level of sexual interest.

Others knew better and came out in support of a healthier lifestyle.

Regardless, it’s now become a topic of conversation between me, my friends, and my blog readers.

Can she do it?

Is someone going to come along to inspire her to break her vow?

What about The Swede?

What I have noticed is that there is a pool of males, mostly single, for whom I seem to exist solely to stroke their egos by sexting with them.

They are the ones who seem to be the most interested in seeing me break my vow.

They keep pulling me back into conversations I’m trying to resist having.

When you’re trying to walk the straight and narrow, it is counter productive to enter into a conversation about masturbation.

Or pornography.

But try as I might, sometimes I slip and carry on a full on conversation about topics I have no business talking about.

Then I suffer.

So yeah, it’s been 6 weeks. I’m halfway there.

And no, it’s not easy but I’m making it.

Dateable

It’s been a rough week.

Between realizing that I’m my own problem and taking a 90 day vow of celibacy, I’ve been pretty swamped with all sorts of feelings.

Remarkably, my friends have really come through for me.

Whether it’s Tejas getting the ingredients for my favorite cocktail (the Sazerac), Michelle writing the SWEETEST supportive note to me on Facebook, or Barbara actually calling me to make sure I’m okay, I’ve been blanketed in love from every direction.

Which has helped greatly as I try to wean myself off of casual sexual relationships.

The Photographer has come out in force to support my decision to be temporarily celibate.

He’s peppered me in Messenger with sweet comments about how to transition from someone no one wants to date but everyone wants to fuck into someone actually dateable (and still fuckable, natch).

I took the opportunity to tell The Swede that I liked him:

fullsizerender11.jpgYou may laugh, but it was a HUGE stretch for me.

And I think I pulled it off nicely, if I do say so myself.

Gentle flirting – 1, Michelle’s sex monster – 0.

When it’s good to fail

Y’all want to know how I’m doing?

The answer is JUST FINE.

No really, I feel better than I have in ages. My productivity at work and at home has gone up and I spend less time on my cell phone and more time socializing IRL.

So many people have offered to help me wean myself off of my sexual exploits, it’s uncanny!

There are a few people who think it’s a bad idea but for the most part I’ve met with nothing but support.

I have removed some apps from my phone – Tinder, Kik, and Zoosk.

I’ve been asked out on a few dates but I’m taking a little time to chill and not worry about dating anyone or meeting anyone.

Overall, I feel good.

Ask me in a couple of weeks and it may be a different story.

I did go out with a Frenchman about a week ago.

He was very sweet and romantic.

But at the end of the date, we stood up and I TOWERED over him.

After that, he didn’t walk me to my car, give me a kiss goodnight, or anything.

Still, I behaved myself and didn’t let on that I’m a freaky girl (besides freakishly tall in heels).

So despite the date’s failure, I consider the evening a success.

Woot!

Nice Guy

I went on a date with a VERY NICE GUY.

He was EXACTLY what I said I was looking for – calm, kind and thoughtful.

I felt like such a WILD CHILD compared to him – what with my trips to Burning Man, parties, cuddle puddles, and naked hot tubbing.

I didn’t have a bad time, but I felt like only half of me was engaged.

The other half of me was YAWNING.

And I’ve come to this following conclusion:

The problem with me and LTRs is not that I’m not meeting men who are appropriate specimens for LTR.

No, The Swede and this guy are PERFECT examples of MEN YOU WANT TO HAVE LTRs with.

The problem is I’ve become accustomed to bad boys, rebels, and dirty men and everything else just seems too sedate for me.

It’s like driving a Ferrari then trying to switch to a Honda and still be satisfied.

I’m not calling The Swede a Honda though.

No, he’s more like a Hellcat.

All muscle and brawn and quiet power.

But this date?

Definitely a Honda.

Built for safety, not for thrills.

Of course there’s some good news here – if I’m the problem, then I’m also the SOLUTION.

How I plan to fucking fix my addiction to Ferraris I have NO IDEA, but I’m working on it.

Giving up sex

So here’s The Deal.

I’m giving up sex for 3 months.

That means three months of no sex, not even a teeny little bit.

Not even the kind that doesn’t “count.”

This means I have to be celibate until January 7, 2018.

Now, there is one exception to this rule:

The Swede.

IF The Swede comes to visit, then my vow of abstinence goes on hiatus.

I rationalize it like this – The Swede happens to be the one HEALTHY friendship I have and therefore shouldn’t be included in my vow of abstinence, which is supposed to weed out the dirty boys and rebels.

I told Tejas about my vow and he just laughed and laughed.

Then he thought about how much bitching he will have to listen to and he STOPPED LAUGHING.

Personally, I think the biggest challenge for me isn’t going to be giving up sex.

No.

It’s going to be giving up the sexting and flirting that goes with it.

Because for me, flirting leads to sexting leads to sex IRL.

So we’re gonna have none of that.

Do you think I will survive?

I’m my own f*cking problem

All this time I’ve been thinking that I can’t find a good man because a good man hasn’t crossed my path yet.

But that’s a lie.

I think I’ve come across a few.

You see, I take an odd approach to meeting men.

I bombard them with my sexuality and dare them to see ANYTHING AT ALL beyond it.

Of course, the good ones run away, and the bad boys stay.

So I have a bouquet of rebels and dirty boys to choose from.

They’re the ones who value sex as much as I do.

And I’m not in love with a single one of them.

And none of them are in love with me.

Maybe, and this is a BIG MAYBE, I need to relinquish my vice grip on sex being the most valuable part of a relationship and consider that there are other things infinitely more valuable.

Conversation, for one.

Thoughtfulness, for another.

A great sense of humor.

God, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but maybe I’ve been valuing the wrong things all along.

Maybe, if I want to find someone, I need to just stop with the sexting, and the nude pics, and the dinner dates at his place and just SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

I think I’ve forgotten that I’m a woman, not just a vagina begging for earth-shattering orgasms.

Is this what my friends* have been trying to tell me all along?

If I really want to wind up with a decent man, then I need to embrace the woman I am, not the sex that I want.

Am I my own fucking problem?

 

*Barbara, Lisa, Rob, Michelle. . .

Red Flags

I ignore red flags MOST of the time.

Some guy calls his ex-wife a narcissist and I look the other way.

Another guy tells me I have a lazy eye over drinks and I laugh and make excuses.

So when the newest guy made a joke about my sister and I in a porno together, I ALMOST let it slide.

ALMOST.

But I didn’t.

I called him out on it.

I’m not sure why I didn’t let it slide.

Actually I do.

I made excuses for one guy’s behavior not too long ago and he lived up to my (ignored) first impression of him.

So this time I didn’t want to ignore it.

Yeah, I GET THAT IT’S A FUCKING JOKE.

BUT IT’S A DISGUSTING ONE!

Who, when trying to put their best foot forward upon meeting a new woman, makes a porn joke about her and her sister?

Who makes porn jokes BEFORE the first date?

A man with his mind in the gutter?

A man with no manners?

A man who clearly is suffering from a lack of social skills?

Regardless of WHY he did it, the end result is the same.

The fucking hammer has fallen and YOU HAVE BEEN VOTED OFF THE ISLAND!

Barbara would be so proud. . .

Lousy F*ck

This post is for all the guys out there.

There’s something you need to hear and I’m gonna be the one to say it:

Aftercare.

It’s a thing.

And it’s an important thing.

You don’t just slip your clothes back on and beat a hasty retreat out of the bedroom.

No.

Part of the commitment to sex involves a minimal commitment to AFTERCARE.

Meaning you and your partner make pillow talk for at least 10 or 15 minutes post coitus.

When you leap up and wash, get dressed, and leave, it feels like an abrupt and rude ending to what might have otherwise been a fun evening.

So, I’m curious. . . what will it take to make you give a shit about being respectful and connected post coitus?

I’ll give you a tip.

It doesn’t matter how good a lover you are, IF YOU DO THIS THEN THE LOVEMAKING SUCKS.

A smooth transition from the bed to the kiss goodbye ensures that the entire event will be viewed in a positive light.

If you tell us we have a lazy eye. . .

If you put on your clothes IMMEDIATELY. . .

If you fail to provide ADEQUATE AFTERCARE you will be remembered as a LOUSY FUCK and we will PURGE YOU FROM OUR PHONE AND OUR MEMORIES.

That is all.