Stood Up

Did I ever tell you about the time I got stood up by a Tinder date?

It was my first time EVER getting stood up.

Sadly, it would not be the last time.

The thing was, I was kind of excited about this date and so I popped in at home, brushed my teeth, fluffed my hair, and actually misted myself with spray glitter.

Yes, I know, how very millennial of me, no?

And very playa unfriendly.

But I wasn’t on the playa, I was in Los Gatos.

We were scheduled to meet at at Oak & Rye, a nice pizza place that serves my favorite beer – Panty Peeler by Midnight Sun.

As I’m WALKING INTO THE RESTAURANT, I happen to glance at my phone and I have a message from my date.

Well, that’s a nice how-do-you-do?

I was peeved by the whole experience.

AND HE SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!

Mentally, I wrote him off.

Flake.

I was sorely tempted to reply:

NO RAINCHECK NEEDED!

But that’s just my inner bitch freaking out.

I actually sent no reply.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Fishing for Money

I happened upon another Tinder profile.

This one, seemingly normal with once exception.

On his profile picture there was a watermark stating “sugardaddie.com.”

For real.

Now.

What kind of man ADVERTISES that he’s looking for a woman who is looking for a man with money?

It defies logic.

Is he super wealthy and just wants to land some playmate-esque lady to keep him company in exchange for him keeping her comfortable?

I don’t get it.

Don’t men WANT to be like for WHO they are not HOW MUCH MONEY they make?

It’s like me advertising that I have 38G breasts.

Then I’d get a butt load of men interested in me for my physique and not my stellar personality.

Not to mention my humility, right?

I swiped right, against my better judgment.

He has “superliked” me, after all.

Might as well see what he has to say about the topic.

You know, so I can write ANOTHER blog post.

So I shot off a message:

“You do realize your profile pic has a “sugardaddie.com” watermark on it?”

And we shall see what he says.

 

UPDATE:

Read his response yourself.  Apparently he can balance an investment portfolio but cropping a picture is above his pay grade.

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In praise of HANDSY men

I’m just going to come out and say it:

I like a man with grabby hands.

You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about if you have the same affinity for it as I do.

A handsy man is one who is constantly touching you.

Grabbing for you.

Getting up in your space and making you feel his presence.

I love this.

Charlie The Aussie was a handsy man.

So is The Swede.

As far as lovers go, a handsy man makes an OUTSTANDING partner.

You’re right in the middle of doing one thing when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you discover he’s also doing something else.

Like with the Swede, one hand would be up in my hair, messing it up, and pulling on it and I’d discover the other one was stroking my, ahem, chest.

It’s quite a thrill, if you catch my drift.

My friend Yvonne said that she felt starved for touch after her husband passed away.

I think he was a handsy man.

She said he was always touching her.

It occurs to me that out of the Five Love Languages, TOUCH is one of them.

Maybe this is how Yvonne’s late husband, Charlie The Aussie, and The Swede show affection.

Then again, maybe they’re just REALLY EXCELLENT LOVERS.

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Dating Pet Peeves

1

Bad tipping.  Maybe it’s because I worked in foodservice in high school and as a barista in college, but bad tippers are my pet peeve.  I once went on a date to a fancy cocktail lounge where the bartender takes 3 – 4 minutes to mix and muddle the perfect $14 cocktail.  On a $30 bill, my date left a measly $2 tip.  I hastily dropped a few more bills on the tab when my date wasn’t looking.

2

Being late.  I waited in a wine bar for my date to show up for almost an hour once.  I ordered my first glass of wine and the waitstaff felt so bad for me they gave me a HUGE pour.  When my date arrived, he received a SMALL pour.  Ha ha.  Divine justice, if you ask me.  There was no second date.

3

Bad kissers.  You’d think by the time we reach 20 we’d know how to kiss but no, there are people out there that still suck face like amateurs.  I have little patience for someone who is a bad kisser.  If you can’t figure out it’s a game of mutuality instead of tonsil hockey, I’m done with you.

4

Bad breath.  Oh god, you know what I mean.  I once went on a date where I could smell his breath from across the table.  I always carry a discreet packet of mints with me and I wanted to discreetly suggest that he eat them all.

5

Being negative.  You know who I’m talking about.  That person who will list of 10 things that are wrong before they list one thing that’s right.  Mr. or Mrs. Downer.  It’s exhausting and draining to be around them.  Next!

7

Being self-absorbed.  I went on one date with a fireman.  He was so into himself his head fairly floated above his body.  If at the end of the date he could’ve told me anything about me (like my name), I would’ve been shocked.

8

The alcoholic.  This is the person who sits down across from you and then drinks nonstop throughout the meal, barely pausing to eat and breathe.  Or they talk incessantly about all the parties they throw/go to and how obliterated they’ve gotten.  Yawn.  We’re not 21 anymore.

9

Being rude.  There’s nothing worse than going to a restaurant with a date and watching them be rude to the waitstaff.  This drives me completely batty.  Again, I worked in foodservice so I know how hard it can be.  I do not trust a man who is nice to me and rude to other people.

10

The cell phone addict.  I once went on a date with an attorney that was so horrifically bad – involving two standard poodles and a 6 year old.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he kept answering his phone.  We barely said 10 words to eachother.  I’m still traumatized from that date.

So I met Joe

Joe is handsome and funny.

Not exactly the tallest guy I’ve ever met, but still can hold his own in a showdown with me in 4” heels.

Joe is a diver and it excites him that I am a Rescue Diver.

Of course, he doesn’t know I haven’t dove in years because of that panic attack I had underwater caused by blood pressure changes in a too tight wetsuit hood.

Joe called me up and we chatted for a little while.

He is keen to go out and I was kind of excited too.

He’s got daughters after all and Lord knows I want to wind up with a man with daughters.

All on account of I have none of my own.

In so many ways, Joe seemed PERFECT for me.

Daughters. Adventurous spirit. World traveler. Funny.

So I showed his profile to Barbara, just to see if he could get the BARBARA STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Barbara is probably the toughest of all my friends to approve the men I date.

She’s not called The Hammer for nothing.

LOL

And that’s when it happened.

I glanced at his profile and saw “Separated” as his marital status.

As in STILL FUCKING MARRIED!

Jesus F. Christ!

Nevermind.

À la Whitesnake

Ever since this guy I met on Match put me through a grueling picture-by-picture interrogation, I’ve been rethinking my Match.com profile pictures.

It was excruciating to hear, “And HOW old is THIS photo?” over and over again.

Yes, some of my pictures are old but that’s because I want them to show me DOING interesting things – like flying airplanes, hiking the Watchtower trail in the Sequoias, and eating a silkworm grub.

I think they APPROPRIATELY capture my essence – funny, adventurous, creative. . .

I mix them with CURRENT photos.

Photos of me at Burning Man.

Photos of me catching a salmon.

Photos of me in my sister’s hot tub.

Do you want to know what THE MOST POPULATR PHOTO OF ME IS?

It’s this picture of me leaning on my friend Geoff’s Cobra.

Indeed.

It was taken on my 34th birthday (some 9 years ago) and to be honest, the only reason I’m draped across the hood of his car is because I didn’t think he’d be happy if I tried to do the SPLITS on it.

À la Whitesnake.

Sadly, I think it’s time to retire this photo.

Although it feels like I was 34 JUST YESTERDAY, the sad fact of the matter is that it was 9 YEARS AGO.

I don’t want to be accused of misleading anyone.

But FUCK that guy for making me feel deceitful.

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Overwhelmed with men

Okay, even I have to admit I did not expect this strong a response to my new Match.com profile.

I was simply honest in my approach to where I am as far as dating goes.

And it sounds like it resonates with a lot of men.

Some of them have sent me their own worst date stories.

Others have apologized for the sleazy men I keep running into.

Still others compliment my “fresh and funny” approach to my profile.

I just told the truth.

I’m literally at my wits end as far as dating goes.

I’m one bad date away from giving it all up.

Again.

Right now, I’m messaging several men and I’m happy to report that some of them are not my typical “lumberjack” fare.

That means I’m branching out and looking through a wider variety of men for someone appropriate for me.

It’s not easy to do.

I tend to want to dismiss anyone who isn’t at least 5’10” tall with a beard and tattoos.

But I’m working on not letting my image of what I think is the perfect man for me ruin the reality of who could be a perfect man for me.

In any case, I firmly believe that there are lots of men out there that I could fall in love with. Given enough time, everyone tends to grow on me.

It’s just finding that man who falls in love with me that’s the hard part!

Wish Me Luck

I went ahead and changed my Match.com profile to THIS.

And ever since I did, my “phone” has been ringing off the hook.

One guy called my profile refreshing.

Another man apologized for all the creeps out there.

And yet another referred to my profile as “honest and funny.”

So far so good.

I haven’t received any dick pics or any requests for guys to “cum in my ass” so that’s a plus!

Maybe this profile will filter out the majority of the sex perverts and unavailable men.

One can hope.

Because I’ve met Bob.

Bob is a big guy. Heavily tattooed. With a nice trim beard.

Exactly what I look for, no?

Well, we shall see.

He did text me at 5 O’CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

Just to let me know he was up.

These are the things I DON’T NEED TO KNOW.

You know?

Not at 5 o’clock in the morning, anyways.

Despite his unfortunate lack of sensibility when it comes to early morning communications, I like Bob.

He seems like a nice guy, albeit an intimidating one what with his LANDSCAPE of tattoos.

Wish me luck!

STFU

Shitballs!

Do you know what I find disheartening about internet dating?

Apart from the cum shots, requests for nude photos, and first dates?

The emphasis on looks.

Doesn’t everyone realize we are all in the process of losing our looks and that all we’ll have to keep us company in our twilight years is the personality of someone we fell in love with?

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I look at pictures as much as the next person.

But I also read their profile.

And I shun the illiterate ones and embrace the well spoken ones.

Well, the latest guy I have been messaging is obsessed with how I look.

A young Cybil Shepherd, he says.

Yes, I’ve heard that before and thank you for the compliment.

But the fact is I am a 43 year old woman who is not getting any younger and if he really knew me, then he’d know that how I look is the least of what makes me attractive.

He made me go through each of my 21 profile pictures and tell him how long ago they were taken.

We’ll, 50% of them were takes 3 -5 years ago.

And the other 50% were current.

The whole process was rather appalling.

And I simply can’t handle his gushing.

Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to stand him up.

I’m going to lie and say I’ve met someone else.

It’s a harmless little lie that preserves his ego while simultaneously giving me an excuse to NO GO OUT WITH HIM.

Pretty, my ass.

STFU and pay attention to what matters!

Should this be my next Match.com profile?

Look.

I get it.

We’re all horny and lonely and looking for a little comfort.

The thing is, I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of something more developing.

Something that lasts longer than a text exchange or a conversation over dinner.

I swear, if I get one more request for naked pictures, or one more jacking off video I’m going to quit online dating FOR GOOD.

At first, I thought it was funny how many bad dates I was going on.

They made for good stories with my friends.

There was Fart Man and the Guy with Two Standard Poodles and a 6-Year Old.

Those were REALLY BAD DATES.

But now I seem to have slipped into a rut whereby every man I meet is asking for sex, sexy pictures, swing parties, BDSM action, etc.

Would it kill you to get to know me BEFORE propositioning me?

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking I’m frigid.

But I’m not.

I’m a Scorpio and come from a long line of women with very healthy sex lives.

But I don’t want to talk about sex on the first date let alone DO IT.

I’d prefer to meet someone who wants to discover more about me.

Like the fact that I ran with the bulls in 2014.

Or that I can skin an abalone in under 30 seconds.

Or that I performed with the Boston Pops in 1997.

Or that I’m a PADI certified rescue diver who can’t watch horror films unless I can sleep with the light on.

And there’s more.

So much more.

But you’re never going to find out if all you ask about is sex.

That is all.

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