Alternative Birth Control

I’ve got 10 events in 10 days at work so I’m reposting some old content I find funny.  New content will resume on February 6th.

Reposted from 2015:

 

I tend to be a spontaneous kind of person.

Which is wonderful if you’re my friend and you want to have fun but bad for meeting men.

That is to say, it’s GREAT for the men to have me spontaneously LEAP into bed with them but it’s bad for creating actual relationships.

Because of this, I’ve evolved some alternative techniques to help me keep my lustful urges under control.

They may seem odd, but believe me, they work.

Case in point – my date with The Israeli this weekend.

We are making out on his couch and he is ABSOLUTELY CONFOUNDED BY MY JACKET.

I’m wearing a wool jacket and it’s buttoned up AND the belt is knotted around my waist.

jacketI’m telling you, it took him a good 10 minutes to get me out of that jacket. With much laughter and giggling on our parts.

Enter birth control level 2 – I’m wearing a scuba dress (think high neckline, sleeveless, high density lycra).

dressBasically, there is virtually no area of my body that he can get to without GREAT effort.

It was fun to watch him struggle with it.

But eventually, it came off.

No laughing or giggling this time. Just a lot of heavy breathing.

Enter the final level of alternative birth control.

The granny panty.

pantiesYes indeed. The kind of underwear that is super comfortable but ultimately very ugly. It’s birth control effect is only felt by the wearer (in this case, me) in order to dissuade me from being caught dead in such ugly undies.

I took them off my own self and slipped into my backup sexy panties which I brought with me for just such an occasion.

panties2I’m not saying it’s a perfect system of birth control.

Just that if he can get through 3 levels of alternative birth control measures, he deserves some candy.

F*ck dating

The other day, I got a message from a dear friend, sort of setting me up.

She sent me a picture of a handsome man and asked if I was interested.

Let me see. . .

Handsome man?

Me?

Why not.

Of course, the second I thought it, my next thought was, “What’s wrong with him?”

Because I’m pretty sure that men I meet either want to:

a.  Cum on my face

b.  Cum in my butt

c.  All of the above.

It’s not like I don’t believe in good guys.

I know a BUNCH of decent fellows.

It’s that I don’t seem to ATTRACT that type of man.

And then I felt sheepish.

Shouldn’t everyone get a chance, without having to bear the burden of those who came before and were indecent?

Of course!

But that’s not what happens, is it?

I’ll keep judging them BEFORE I get to know them (BAD me!) and they’ll keep fulfilling my expectations (let’s face it, the bar is set low, low, low.)

Sigh.

Fuck dating.

Fuck Chemistry

Despite the fact that I have no online dating presence right now, POF continues to email me with requests from men who want to meet me.

No.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking it’s possible that there might be a good one out there.

Let me dissuade you from that notion.

In the 12 years since my divorce, I have absolutely met not a single soul online who I connected with.

Excepting a few Facebook friends.

Every time I get tempted to go online and see what’s up, I remember that guy who moved his glass so he could “see my tits better.”

Or the guy who deeply hurt my feelings because he said we had “no chemistry.”

I’ve been thinking about chemistry a lot lately.

About how deceptive it is.

Sure, I get all pie-eyed every time I see a lumberjack.

Give me a beard, broad shoulders, and a warm chest and color me happy.

But in reality, I’ve discovered that long term chemistry has very little to do with that initial physical rush of hormones, and everything to do with who that person is on the inside, which takes time to discover.

Barbara would tell me this is EXACTLY why I should wait MONTHS before getting physically involved with someone.

Take, for instance, my ex-boyfriend Luke.

Luke owned dozens of hand guns, even more knives, and he drove a truck.

He had no beard, but he lived in flannels on his days off.

Perfect man for me?

Not so much.

When times got tough, and we tried to talk it out Luke could only stare at the floor and play with his socks.

He had no ability to discuss difficult topics AT ALL.

And you know, everyone runs into the need to discuss challenging subjects.

So I say fuck chemistry.

Not that anyone is lining up outside my door for a chance to take me on a date, but I’m basically like the carpool lane on the weekend:

OPEN TO ALL.

Magic is what you make of it

Disney loveMagic always comes with a prince

At least that’s what Disney and Hollywood lead you to believe.

Of course lately, there’s been less focus on the prince and more focus on the heroine, but you get the picture – love, above all, makes the story.

And how are we single ladies supposed to feel about this in real life?

Well, I’ll tell you, being single has never hurt my social life. In fact, I think I get out more and do more things simply because I don’t have a partner to hang out at home with eating pizza and drinking beer with on a Saturday night.

Being single didn’t hurt me when I was racing cars at the Stockton 99.

image

Being single especially didn’t hurt me when I was leaping from an airplane with a hot man and a parachute strapped to my back.

And it certainly didn’t hurt me when I went to the Alameda County Fairgrounds and ran with the bulls.

photo 4No, being single hasn’t hurt one bit.

Even my more carnal urges somehow manage to get taken care of.

So what then is my life missing without a man to “complete” me?

The answer is nothing.

I have friends and family who give me love and camaraderie and lovers who give me intimacy.

Everything else is icing on the cake.

Sure, it’s magical when life and love come with a prince.

But it sure as hell isn’t required.

Magic, is what you make of it.

Online Dating Pet Peeves

michelleEvery time I think I should get back online and date, I’m reminded why I went offline. My latest edition of Online Dating Pet Peeves:

  1. Men wearing baseball caps that shade their face so I can’t see their features.
  2. Men wearing sunglasses in all their photos. I get it. You’re cool.
  3. Men who list all the things they don’t want instead of what they’re looking for.
  4. Flat brimmed baseball caps. Are you 12? Hipster.
  5. Emails that go nowhere.
  6. Men who post pictures with their ex’s face cropped out. Tacky.
  7. Pictures of men with models. Ugh. Modelizer!
  8. Men who take photos from so far away you can’t make out their face.
  9. Their, there, and they’re.
  10. Coffee dates. No.
  11. Men who list “no drama” in their profile. Liar!
  12. Messages that say “hi” and nothing else.
  13. Usernames like “lovestoeattacos” or “poundman.”
  14. The drinking with my buddies photo.
  15. Landscape profile photos. Why?
  16. Copied and pasted generic emails. You think we can’t tell? We can.
  17. Strange men instant messaging me. Yikes!
  18. Topless men. Really? Showoff.
  19. Any picture taken in the bathroom.
  20. Any picture taken while sitting in their car.
  21. Photos of their car. Oh, my bad! I have a pic of my truck in my profile. But it has a HEMI!
  22. Group shots.
  23. Photos of men posing with guns or shooting guns. NO!
  24. Wearing a beanie/hat in all his photos.
  25. Men who live 100+ miles away from you but who still email you. Pointless.

All is not lost

Wanna know how the love life is going?

It’s not.

I’m firmly stuck in NEUTRAL, not making progress forward (nor backwards) on any relationship.

I got an email the other day through MeetUp.

A man introduced himself to me and basically sent me an entire paragraph about himself without using ANY PUNCTUATION WHATSOEVER.

I couldn’t bring myself to read it in its entirety.

It was one long RUN ON SENTENCE and we all know I tend to be a grammar snob.

So needless to say, I didn’t reply to his email.

And what is he doing using MeetUp as a dating app?

My profile on MeetUp says I’m interested in doing things with people because my friends are all coupled up and I’m always the third wheel when we go out.

Sometimes I get tired of being the third wheel.

Sometimes I just want to hang out with other single people who, like myself, want to be social but without being the odd man out.

I got a message from another man looking for a “sweet mature cuddling experience” which is something I’m ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY WITH.

Sorry to say I need to already have an affection for the people I cuddle with.

No strangers allowed.

It freaks me out, the idea of a stranger snuggling up to me.

Smelling my hair.

Curling his body into mine.

No thanks.

Of course The Swede is still in the picture.

I’d snuggle with him anytime.

He’s the closest I’ve come in the past 5 years to having a love interest.

I feel lucky to have struck up an international friendship with him.

So all is not lost.

It’s just stuck in Sweden.

 

Giving up dating

So, I have a dilemma.

I’ve given up internet dating.

This is a good thing.

Internet dating was damaging my view of men in the Bay Area.

I felt stuck in a porno, unable to escape.

Every man wanted sex – from the guy who described his ideal woman as someone without a gag reflex to the guy whose username was Luv2eatacos.

Fuck actually making a connection with someone.

This I think, is not the norm.

No.

I mean of course men want sex.

Everyone does.

But I think there are men out there who are single, available, and NOT TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH SEX.

Let’s call them Men-Who-Can-Make-Meaningful-Connections-With-Women.

My dilemma is this:

HOW DO YOU MEET MEN LIKE THIS?

They’re OBVIOUSLY not online.

So where do I go?

The supermarket?

The library?

Hobby shops?

Sports games?

Please, someone tell me because the only thing I hate more than giving up is giving up and doing nothing about it.

I have no intention of wallowing in misery, alone for the rest of my life.

But I also have no intention of going back online to play the nymphomaniac to men who think that women are sex objects.

Should I just leave it to serendipity or should I somehow mix and mingle and put myself out there?

Help!

I have no business dating

I have no business dating.

I came to this realization just the other day as I deleted ALL THE ONLINE DATING APPS off my phone.

I can’t BEAR to meet any more men.

Sure, I’ve met a bunch of louses lately and that’s coloring my opinion of men.

But intuitively, I know there are good ones out there.

I hired a life coach a few years ago and he used to tell me that what you attract is a reflection of yourself and if that’s true then I’m a GOD AWFUL MESS and have NO BUSINESS DATING.

If you look at my life you will notice:

  1. I live with my parents.  Granted, dad is blind and mom has a heart condition so staying with them also helps them out, but I’m a soon-to-be 44 year old who lives with Mom and Dad.  Le sigh.
  2. My finances are a wreck. Hopefully the downward spiral has completed and I am on my way up and out of the hole I dug for myself.
  3. I’m an admin. Yes, I plan events and my title is Program Assistant, but as far as my employer is concerned, I’m an admin.
  4. Not much of a career unless you count 14 years at a prestigious university as a career. But see #3 above.
  5. I have a pretty diverse sexual history which makes me unsuitable for MOST vanilla men. They either assume I’m a nymphomaniac or that I’m easy when I am neither.  It doesn’t help that I’m still unsettled when it comes to my sexuality.  I’m not sure what I want.
  6. My health is not at its best. Which is a polite way of saying I need to lose weight.  As much as I like my curves, they are getting curvier than I like.  I’m working on fixing it but I’ve got a long way to go.
  7. I’m not perfect. Yes, I know no one is perfect but in several ways, I am inherently flawed.  If I could wish these flaws away, I would but sadly they are here to stay and require medication.
  8. I can’t even keep my room clean, for fuck’s sake! I mean REALLY!  Who can’t keep their room clean after the age of 25? People who shouldn’t be dating, that’s who!  If you can’t keep a tidy room then how can you maintain a relationship?

Maybe I’m being hard on myself.

Maybe I’m in better shape than I think.

But today?

This moment right now?

I’m just completely FRUSTRATED with myself. (I was going to say DISGUSTED but that seems a bit extreme, don’t you think?)

So my profiles are deleted and the dating apps are gone.

I have officially given up.

I have no business dating.

 

 

 

Chemistry

I know what chemistry is.

I’ve felt it before.

Recently even, when I met Coke Can Dan.

It’s that sudden rush of hormones that happens when you realize that you’re clicking with someone.

It feels GOOD!

I’ve learned not to trust chemistry though.

Because it’s usually me reacting to my IMAGINED impression of who my date is and not the REALITY of who he really is.

If he’s tall and bearded, my hormones go WILD!

But like I said, I’ve learned not to trust chemistry.

So you can imagine I was shocked when I went on a date and as it was concluding, my date turned to me and said, “I’ve had a great time meeting you but I don’t think there’s any chemistry.”

I was floored.

I thought we had a nice conversation.

To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t think of anything to say in response.

I was silent.

And a little bit hurt.

True, you can tell a lot about a person in two hours, but there’s a lot still left to the imagination.

And being an introvert, my personality doesn’t always come shining through.

But, well, okay.

If you say so.

It’s not like you can MAKE somebody like you.

So I bid him farewell and went home.

And then. . .

About 15 minutes later, a text:

So there’s that.

Nice guy.

No chemistry.

Sucks.

Dating (again)

Wow!

It has been a crazy week riding the roller coaster of American politics.

I’m just getting off the ride.

And what better way to celebrate being on solid ground again than to go out on a date.

A REAL date.

Yes, with someone I’ve met online.

But this guy hasn’t described his ideal woman as having no gag reflex.

Nor has he sent me dick pics or called himself “Mr. Hugecock.”

So he’s got a lot going for him right now.

He seems to be, dare I say it, a regular nice guy.

Which is EXACTLY what I’m looking for.

Also?

He doesn’t live in Sweden.

He lives here in the Bay area.

He’s employed at a BIG social media company.

He flies airplanes.

We meet at 8 pm today at my favorite bar, the Jack Rose.

I’m cautiously optimistic about this date.

It’s starting off on the right foot.

But you never know what’s going to happen when you go on a date you’ve only met online.

He could sweat profusely.

He could be racist.

Sexist.

Or, God forbid, a Trump supporter.

All deal breakers in my book.

Wish me luck!