Kissing

When I went out with The Swede, at the end of our date, I thought, “Well, there’s a guy who will never ask me out again.”

Boy, was I wrong.

Of course, I based this on the fact that he was initially very quiet around me. I mistook his silence for disinterest.

And, he didn’t kiss me.

Well that’s because the two of us have completely different theories about who to kiss.

He believes in kissing only the people he really wants to kiss after he gets to know them whereas I believe in kissing as many people as will let me kiss them trying to find the good ones.

I know.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

I can kiss just about anyone, so long as they don’t have bad teeth or bad breath.

And I believe heartily in doing it.

Because let’s face it, it wouldn’t hurt the world to have a lot more kissing (and hugging) in it.

When it comes to kissing, The Swede has got to be right at the top of my list of best kissers of all time.

It may have taken a year to kiss him (he lives in Sweden, folks), but once I started, I didn’t want to stop.

You ever get so lost in a kiss that time passing by seems to disappear?

You ever lose track of your body and only feel sensation in your lips?

You ever feel the need to change your panties after a kiss?

That’s what kissing The Swede is like.

So color me happy he asked me out again and got around to kissing me.

We should have started kissing each other a lot sooner.

Who knew I’d need to go to Sweden to get kissed?!

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On being a singleton

I have a friend, a very good friend, who laments being single.

At their best moment, they feel they’re single because there’s no one interesting to date.

At their worst moment, they feel they’re single because there’s something wrong with them.

I take a different approach to being single.

I think I’m single because I simply haven’t stumbled across the path of the right person yet.

It’s a liberating concept.

Every day I’m one day closer to meeting someone perfect for me.

Every bad date I go on, every toad I kiss and regret, I’ve eliminated one more possible person who could be right for me.

Instead of failing at dating, I’ve succeeded at removing one more barrier to me finding someone right for me.

I have to admit, I have a lot of creative outlets for my energy.

From Burning Man to my friendships, I keep myself busy and seldom feel lonely.

But I’ve had a string of good luck lately and I find that I am most sensitive about not having a significant other when times are tough and I need someone to lean on.

So I’m appreciative that I’m living in a time of abundance, instead of scarcity.

And, you know, there are worse things out there than being able to flirt with whatever guy suits my fancy.

Like having no one to flirt with.

Or getting a HUGE friction burn on your inner thigh.

Now that would be AWFUL.

What’s up Tinder?!

What’s up Tinder?!

It’s a hookup culture online.

I could go through men like a woman with hayfever goes through tissues in the spring.

Next!

Next!

Next!

It’s absolutely crazy how frequently I get asked for sex.

Dr. Blockhead is just one of MANY men who proposition me during our VERY FIRST TEXT conversation.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?

Well despite how displeased I am to get asked for sex all the fucking time (like I’m some sort of hooker), there are WORSE situations than that.

Worse than being a hooker?

Impossible.

But oh yes, there is.

My girlfriend suffers from what I call the “Buy me an iTunes card” phenomenon.

She’s been on Tinder a month and in that time she’s had 5 guys ask her for money – usually in the form of an iTunes gift card.

What?

Why an iTunes card?

But even more dumbfounding is that they’re asking at all.

Grown men.

Supposedly employed.

Are they looking for a sugar mama?

And if they are, shouldn’t they look like Zac Efron or George Clooney and not a paunchy, middle aged, balding engineer with poor taste in polo shirts?

I’m just saying.

Ecstatic Singles

I’m going to an Ecstatic Singles meetup with my friend Bagelfather.

I’m going to go for a couple of reasons:

  1. I like hanging out with Bagelfather. He’s smart and clever and makes me laugh and think about things in different ways.
  2. I swore off internet dating so I guess that means I have to do it the old fashioned way.
  3. I happen to have gone on a few retreats organized by the group producing the Ecstatic Singles workshop and I think it’ll be good for me to go and get back in touch with my sensitive side (which is what the retreats brought out of me).
  4. I haven’t been laid since unSCruz and it’s making me bitchy. Why just the other day I made a snarky comment about a 3 year old. A three year old baby! Bad Michelle!
  5. I need to practice my flirting. The Swede has been gone forever (and I will likely be in Burning Man for his next California visit) and I’m at a loss for finding men to flirt with.
  6. Eye gazing. I’m sure it’s going to happen. Just like I’m sure it’ll make me uncomfortable for a while. And then, as if by magic, I like it.
  7. There’s dancing! And I love to dance (even though I suck). Bring on the new age music, mama’s got to get her groove on.
  8. Have you ever seen a bunch of hippies dancing around a room ecstatically? It’s something to behold. The freedom of expression. The movement.
  9. I have the expectation that the men I meet will behave themselves better than the ones I meet online. I’m going to write a blog post about my experience.
  10. I’m happy being single. Which is precisely the state of mind I need to be in to meet someone special.

We shall see. . .

When this becomes the F*CKING RULE

Periodically, I clean out my phone of old text messages.

Yesterday, I came across an old text message from a man I nicknamed “DR. BLOCKHEAD.”

And when I looked at why I blocked him, it was too good to not share on my blog.

DR. BLOCKHEAD (who claimed to be an ER doctor) and I had been texting for about 10 minutes when my son asked me to go swimming with him.

So I told DR. BLOCKHEAD that I was going swimming.

And then THIS happened:

Now.

Just so you know, my ENTIRE profile (you can read it HERE) deals with this type of scenario – a guy trying to sexualize a woman way too soon.

Here it wasn’t even our first date.

I should’ve known something was off when he accused me of being an opiate addict.

He said my pupils in one of my photos were very constricted.

Ugh.

RED FLAG!

I literally couldn’t stomach this man who appeared to be doing everything he could to insult, offend, and sexualize me.

So, I BLOCKED him!

I’m sure by blocking him, I avoided subjecting myself to a slew of misogynist rants, sexual insults, and all-around general nastiness.

All things I’m willing to stay BLISFULLY unaware of.

But just so you know, DR. BLOCKHEAD isn’t the exception to the rule when it comes to the kind of men I meet.

He’s the FUCKING RULE.

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Full

I’ve given up internet dating.

Again.

Yes, again again.

I’m aware I’ve done this in the past only to reverse my decision.

This time I think it will stick.

Why?

Because I don’t really think it’s the right venue for me to meet someone.

Everyone is disposable in internet dating.

No one matters because there’s another one ready to step up and take your place.

Also. . .

Because I’m seriously filled up with all my burner friends and family.

I don’t feel alone at all.

I actually feel rich and ripe with friendships right now.

So wish me luck out there in the real world.

If I don’t meet someone organically, so what?

I’ve got plenty to keep me full.

Mr. 6’10”

I once dated a guy who was 6’10” tall.

Everywhere we went, people reacted to him. So much so that he developed two jokes he’d use all the time to answer two common questions people would ask him:

  1. Is it true what they say about a man’s height and the size of his penis?

Answer: God no! I’d be 10 feet tall.

  1. Do you play basketball?

Answer: Do you play mini golf?

The truth is, Mr. 6’10” was a volleyball player, and a good one at that.  I’m not sure he did any more than that, he seemed to be independently wealthy and I knew his family hailed from Pebble Beach.

I was smitten with this man and imagined he was smitten with me too.

In the end, that turned out to not be the case and we drifted apart and lost touch.

The other day, I’m minding my own business when an email comes in to my inbox.

Mr. 6’10” tall wants to add you as a connection on LinkedIn.

What?!

Naturally I added him.

But I can’t help but feel like I got lumped in with a group add on LinkedIn. I’m pretty sure he didn’t intend to add me as a contact.

Nevertheless he did it, so I can just go ahead and feel slightly smug that after nearly 10 years, he reconnected with me.

Deliberate or accidental.

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Coffee dates SUCK!!!

Dating sucks.

I have never been on a coffee date that went well.

It’s as if investing only $2 in your first meeting somehow destines it for failure.

What can you learn about someone in a 30 minute conversation that’s going to drive you wild for them?

Nothing.

At best, it’s a polite conversation about things that don’t matter.

At worst, it’s an awkward conversation about things that don’t matter.

It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

I personally prefer to share a meal with someone. To share a drink and perhaps get relaxed enough to get the real conversation flowing.

My $1000 date was fantastic.

Not because my date spent $1000 or because the $500 bottle of wine made me want to cry tears of joy.

No, it was because I had a connection with my date. We were both relaxed and the conversation flowed freely.

But a coffee date? Who falls in love over their Starbucks?

I suppose this is just a rant about not having the opportunity to connect with anyone on a meaningful level and blaming the coffee date for the lack of connection.

The truth is people do fall in love over lattes.

Just not this woman.

10 Things I Believe About Dating

1. Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.  Trust in it for the best outcome.

2. Kind should be his first attribute.  We’re just looking for a safe place to call home.  Your heart, above all else, need to be treated with kindness.

3. If he’s not kind to the waitstaff, he will eventually treat you the same way.  Pay attention and choose wisely.

4. Bad sex happens to good people.  But sex is like pizza… even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

5. Drama is for thespians.  It’s a dimension adults create to live out a more heightened existence.  So unless you’re pursuing an Oscar, or your own reality show, leave the drama to the people who study it.

6. You can never say the wrong thing.  The things we are self conscious about , the cringe-worthy secrets, when revealed are the very things that make people like us.

7. Everyone has baggage.  But some people have a matching set of luggage.  It’s all in their approach to life.

8. Suave is overrated.  The truth is the man I want approaching me is the man who is nervous to ask, because he likes me that much.

9. Don’t get tied to outcomes.  Expectations can ruin a budding relationship.  Learn to relax and just enjoy the ride.

10. YOU ARE THE LOVE YOU SEEK.  I stopped thinking about when I am going to meet “the one” because I am in the process of making myself happy.

Stood Up

Did I ever tell you about the time I got stood up by a Tinder date?

It was my first time EVER getting stood up.

Sadly, it would not be the last time.

The thing was, I was kind of excited about this date and so I popped in at home, brushed my teeth, fluffed my hair, and actually misted myself with spray glitter.

Yes, I know, how very millennial of me, no?

And very playa unfriendly.

But I wasn’t on the playa, I was in Los Gatos.

We were scheduled to meet at at Oak & Rye, a nice pizza place that serves my favorite beer – Panty Peeler by Midnight Sun.

As I’m WALKING INTO THE RESTAURANT, I happen to glance at my phone and I have a message from my date.

Well, that’s a nice how-do-you-do?

I was peeved by the whole experience.

AND HE SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!

Mentally, I wrote him off.

Flake.

I was sorely tempted to reply:

NO RAINCHECK NEEDED!

But that’s just my inner bitch freaking out.

I actually sent no reply.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.