Inner Accountant

There is an accountant living inside my body.

She watches everything I eat and keeps track of all the calories.

A month ago, I’d lost 13 pounds.

As of today, I’ve lost 10 pounds.

I GAINED three.

Nothing gets past that SKINNY BITCH!

To be honest, I deserved worse.

I drank gin and tonics at Tejas’ house.

I scarfed down sushi and rice.

I even ate a SLIVER of a slice of pizza.

And that fucking accountant . . . well, she saw EVERYTHING!

The problem could be that I have no willpower.

Especially when my option is basically a liquid, tasteless diet.

EVERYTHING that is FOOD looks good.

You know your diet SUCKS when you fantasize about eating an apple.

Baby carrots.

Salad.

But the problem could also be that I’m lazy.

I do not deserve a body like Heidi Klum because I do nothing to deserve it.

I shrink from exercise.

I get bored at the gym.

And swimming, which is a low impact exercise activity, requires me to:

  1. get wet
  2. dry my hair
  3. wear a bathing suit

None of which I am fond of.

So this fucking accountant is forcing me to change my ways.

I must either TOTALLY ADHERE to this FUCKING RIDICULOUS DIET. . .

Or I must STEP UP MY EXERCISE.

And since I really like to TASTE my food, I’m going to go with EXERCISE.

That’s right!

You heard it here first.

Michelle is going to start going to walks at lunchtime and on lazy weekends.

And that FUCKING ACCOUNTANT better damn well PAY ATTENTION.

If she really wants something to do, she should balance my checkbook.

Now there’s an area of my life that is OUT OF CONTROL.

Go for it, you SKINNY BITCH!

Jelly

In my family, there’s something called a Zezza butt.

It’s a really nice ass, larger than most, but perky and round.

I’ve got a Zezza butt.

As does my cousin Jennifer and my brother Art.

We’ve even taken a picture of all our asses, lined up (I’m #2 in the lineup).

Not everyone likes Zezza butt, but they should.

It’s pretty awesome.

I recall one instance in fact when a very athletic burner requested that we fool around in his RV SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE “DAT ASS.”

It has slowly dawned on me that some people like curvy women.

Some people like slim women.

And some people LIKE ALL WOMEN.

I’ve given up trying to hide my body, which will never look like Heidi Klum’s, and am working on embracing all that JUNK IN MY TRUNK.

Starting with buying some short shorts for the Burn.

Okay, I DID buy a pair of shorts a few weeks ago that were (optimistically) two sizes smaller than my current size.

I’ve now replaced those shorts with booty hugging, booty boosting, putting-it-all-on-display jean shorts.

Four pairs, to be exact.

That way I’m sure to find something I like.

No, I won’t look like Jessica Simpson in my shorts but fuck, I like my thick thighs.

And other people do too.

They feel just as good wrapped around a sturdy man as slim ones.

And stuffing all my jelly into a pair of Daisy Dukes just gives me a little thrill.

Hope it gives you a thrill too. . .

Screw Up

Okay, so I lost 13 pounds in three weeks then proceeded to gain 1 pound back.

Apparently you can’t binge drink beer on a pub crawl and expect to lose weight.

Who knew?

Anyhow, it’s not been an easy road these last two weeks.

With mom in the hospital and my anxiety/stress kicking into overtime, I’ve been eating (and OH GOD, DRINKING!) to comfort myself.

Sigh.

Fried chicken.

Pizza.

Gin and tonics.

MANY of them (followed by a sobbing call to the BFF to cry about my mom).

Thankfully, I seem to have recovered from my misdeeds.

I’m back on the diet, eating bars and sucking down protein shakes.

Occasionally I go off plan and eat an egg (or three) and pickles.

Oh, and boy do I love the occasional mozzarella stick!

I could fantasize about food for PAGES, but I won’t.

I know how you all think I’m perfect and this may come as a shock to you, but I fucking screw up a lot.

A LOT!

This blog ain’t called unblunder for no reason. . .

Grilled cheese and gin and tonics

Now that I’m stepping on the scale a few times a week, I’m feeling very sheepish.

Like HOW IN THE WORLD DID THAT HAPPEN?!

One minute I was frolicking nude in my backyard, to devil with the neighbors, and the next minute I could barely stand to see myself naked.

Oh yeah, I know.

Curves.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But when did I get so CURVY?

You know when your kids are 16 and 18 you can no longer use the pregnancy weight excuse.

So I guess it’s all the grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics I consumed.

I’m still plugging along on my diet.

In two weeks I’ve lost 6 pounds.

Which is an accomplishment, but is also frustrating me.

Like can’t this go ANY FASTER?

I’ve got bikinis to wear, and bodysuits to rave in, and lingerie to pose in, and photos to take!

And I just want to get to my destination AS FAST AS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

I suppose since it took me 10 years to get here I should have a little patience.

Working hard for something makes you value it ALL THE MORE.

And it will certainly deter me from ever eating an excess of grilled cheese sandwiches and gin and tonics.

Right?

Living like a nun

Since my return from Sweden, I’ve been living like a nun.

Even though my vow of celibacy is no longer in place, I’m still not getting any.

Reason #1: I like The Swede and he’s not here.

Reason #2: I sort of consider myself in a transition state right now on my diet.

And I consider “transition phases” inappropriate for dating.

Plus, the last thing I want is to be sipping my low-cal tomato soup while out on a date.

So here I am.

Single yet happy.

To tell the truth I’ve got a lot going on BESIDES my diet that is keeping me occupied.

UnSCruz planning – I’m helping to organize volunteers.

South Bay Burners Regional Precompression aka SoulFire – I’m trying to resurrect this event with guidance from some friends.

Burning Man 2018 – can’t miss That Thing In The Desert.

Pagan Bunny Burn – my very first! Can’t wait!

I mean, I’m not going to turn down any dates that pop up, but I’m also not actively cultivating anything.

Which, remarkably, doesn’t bother me.

All of which is to say that despite my fuller than full physique, I’m pretty damn happy.

So I can’t complain!

Cheese Tooth

My first week on the diet went well.

MY first WEEKEND on the diet?

Not so well.

There’s something about the lack of structure to my weekends which makes keeping to a diet REALLY challenging.

I went to an AMAZING party on Saturday.

The kind of party you dream about attending – fabulous people, great entertainment, and lots and lots of food and drink!

The party had a Burning Man theme – specifically focusing on the principles of gifting and interactivity.

Everyone participated in the party.

Tejas gave away temporary tattoos, to great success.

Marina let people design their own jewelry then she assembled their selection into a pair of earrings.

Here’s mine:

My gift was a bowl of my famous French cheese fondue – a blend of brie, goat and blue cheese.

Absolutely delicious!

I know because I SAMPLED IT.

Quite a bit of it, actually.

I wanted to eat the fried chicken and pot stickers, but I restrained myself.

And when they passed around birthday cake, I was able to decline with a polite, “I don’t have a SWEET tooth, I have a CHEESE tooth.”

So, not surprisingly, when I drove with Tejas to Pescadero the next day to check out a potential retreat center for our regional precompression, I had to stop by Duarte’s Tavern and get a grilled cheese sandwich and their swirled cream of green chili and artichoke soup.

I might (or might not) have washed it all down with a gin and tonic.

Despite these setbacks, I’m actually proud of how I handled my weekend. I certainly WANTED to cheat more but I held back.

And in the end, I figure that the important thing is to do things right MORE OFTEN than you do things wrong and you’re on the right track.

So, here’s to a better week for me!

The diet, thus far

So you want to know how the diet is going?

It’s going.

Truth be told, I’m on a rather bland, mostly liquid, limited diet right now.

I miss flavor. Sauces.

God, I miss chewing!

I’m worried that I will not be successful on this diet on account of it’s so fricking BORING I feel like I’m jonesing for something tasty to eat.

A donut.

Garlic bread.

Macaroni and cheese.

I’d even be happy with a frozen pizza right now.

The trouble is, I’m pre-diabetic.

Which means I DON’T GET TO GIVE UP ON THIS DIET.

My health is at stake.

So I’ve somehow got to find the willpower to stick with the plan.

Originally, I was worried that giving up booze was going to be the hardest thing for me.

Now however, having been on the plan for two days, I must say booze is the LEAST of my worries.

And I was naïve to think that it would be.

By far the biggest impact to my daily diet isn’t the elimination of booze but the elimination of FLAVOR.

And that’s not easy to give up.

Not at all.

Time for some weight loss

Now that I’ve started this diet (more on that later), I’ve been thinking that I need to find a way to commemorate my body, as it is right now, pre-weight loss.

I mean sure, I took boudoir photos 3 years ago, but that was also 50 pounds ago.

The extremist in me thinks I need to post a bikini picture, but the realist in me is aware that is going JUST A BIT TOO FAR.

Plus, it’s probably something only I need to see, not the general internet masses.

So there will be no bikini pics.

Then, I thought perhaps I should post my weight.

You know, for accountability’s sake?

But that assumes that I’m not HORRIFIED by how much I weigh.

Honestly, I haven’t admitted my weight to a SINGLE SOUL.

Not even my MOTHER!

My driver’s license still says I weigh 160.

Such a lie!

I’m not sure how the DMV employees can put that on my driver’s license with a STRAIGHT FACE!

In the end, I think I’ve settled on posting a VIRTUAL model of my proposed weight loss via Model My Diet.

You input your current weight and dimensions and your weight loss goal (in my case a 130 pound difference) and it spits out a side-by-side comparison.

Pretty eye opening, isn’t it?

Definitely time for some weight loss, eh?

Giving up booze

I made every attempt to GAIN WEIGHT my last week before my diet started.

I ate grilled cheese and fondue and pasta.

And I enjoyed it all.

Did I succeed?

No.

I lost three pounds on account of I’ve been sick like a dog with a stupid respiratory virus.

When I open my mouth to speak, I bark.

The sad reality of being sick is that NOTHING TASTES GOOD.

I tried to make myself a gin and tonic and all I tasted was a faint sour flavor when I sampled it.

Being sick prevents me from DRINKING like I usually do.

Ironically, I think that the biggest challenge to my diet will not be the lack of food or calories.

No.

It’s going to be not drinking.

I already know this.

It’s not easy for me to cut back on drinking UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, let alone eliminating it from my diet completely.

Perhaps this is a sign of a problem.

I can’t help it.

One beer becomes a glass of wine which turns into a cocktail and before I know it, I’ve had two or three drinks in a night.

My cousin Jennifer once told me that doctors classify “binge drinking” as more than two glasses of alcohol a night, to which we both replied “then every one I know is a binge drinker!”

Tejas thinks I’m crazy but I’ve bought about 50 bottles of sparkling water to replace the alcohol (and soda) I used to drink.

I just don’t like water, is all.

Of course, it does occur to me that the WHOLE REASON I have to lose weight is too many cocktails.

So this will be good for me, right?

Farewell soft pillows of my body!

I’ve always imagined that I look peaceful and sweet when I sleep.

Like a dainty little goddess floating on a sea of pillows.

Of course that was before The Swede took a picture of me sleeping on New Year’s Day and shared it with me.

Furrowed brow.

Bundled in blankets.

Pouty lip.

Not exactly the picture of sweetness and light I was hoping for.

Lately, I’m unimpressed with all pictures of me.

There’s just a little too much round and not enough angles.

But that’s on remedy, since my Medical Weight Management program starts today.

Nothing like going on a 960 calories-a-day diet to make a person slim down post holiday season, eh?

Sadly, I am fearful I will lose my butt and my boobs in the process, but it’s something I must live with if I want to be healthy.

Farewell soft pillows of my body.

I’m gonna miss you!