Unremarkable

This blog post isn’t pretty.

Nor is it fun and lighthearted.

It’s serious.

It’s the C-word.

No, not THAT C-word (which I HATE with a passion).

Cancer.

Both my grandmothers died from gynecological cancer at a young age and I hate that cancer robbed me of a chance to meet them and get to know them.

I was 22 when I was reunited with my birthfamily.

So when I had my latest PAP smear come back irregular, I panicked a lot.

My doctor called me in for a biopsy.

Now for those of you who DON’T have a cervix, imagine a soft, delicate organ hidden safely within the depths of your body.

Now imagine someone using a harsh bristle brush and a device to CUT away pieces of that organ,

Ouch, right?!

BIG ouch.

To make matters worse, the doctor used a COLD speculum which almost lifted me out of the stirrups!

She grabbed her samples of my misbehaving cervix, and swabbed my nethers with something that looked like Dijon mustard which stopped the bleeding.

“So what do you think?” I asked.

“Your cervix is UNREMARKABLE,” she informed me.

Never was I happier being described as being unremarkable.

So now. . . the waiting game.

Is it pre-cancer? Cancer? Just a blip in my medical record?

Only time will tell.

But until the test comes back, there’s nothing to do except rest my mustard coated vagina, and try to chill the fuck out.

Wish me luck!

Things you don’t know you don’t know

IMG_7299I’ve been having some health issues lately.

Nothing big, I hope, just a random cluster of symptoms that could mean I’m going into heart, liver, or kidney failure.

It could also be nothing more than a health issue that lifestyle changes will fix.

Cut back on the drinking, get more exercise, lower my salt intake, etc.

My doctor, after commiserating with me over my symptoms, prescribed a course of Lasix to rid my body of the excess water.

This is all well and good but genius that I am, I took the Lasix BEFORE bed and THEN SPENT THE REST OF THE NIGHT GOING TO THE BATHROOM!

So I’m just making a mental note for next time…

DO NOT TAKE LASIX BEFORE BEDTIME UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE UP ALL NIGHT!