A Moment of Silence

Well, I said I would report back on the boob tape and here is my assessment:

If you have larger than a C cup, I do not advise wearing boob tape or adhesive bras.

They simply don’t work that well.

That said, I WAS able to get a combination of bunny ear adhesive bras and boob tape to work.

Gratuitous shot of my cleavage.

But I had to pile so much tape on my chest and over my shoulders that I looked like a mummy all wrapped in bandages.

There is no trick to getting boob tape to work, you simply need to use A LOT OF IT.

It’s an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

LITERALLY.

Now, were someone to make those bunny ear adhesive bras such that they wrap over your chest and down the back of your shoulders, that MIGHT be enough to hold larger breasts in place, but the short little ones don’t work very well at all.

I did pull the boob tape off in front of a friend, just to get a little sympathy for what turned out to be a MAJOR PAIN IN MY ASS.

All that tape I put on had to come off and it was reluctant to do so without inflicting an incredible amount of pain.

Try waxing your nipples and see how you feel.

LINKS:

Bunny Ear Adhesive “Nipple Covers”– $5.00
Boob Tape – $9.00
Fashion Nova Mustard Dress – $54.99

You never know

Once again, I fell in love with a dress and had to buy it.

Sadly, they didn’t have it in my size so I opted to sign up for notifications should it be restocked.

Lo and behold, I got a message yesterday letting me know the dress was back in stock.

So I moseyed on over to the website and snapped up one:

I’m not sure what I want it for.

I just love the colors and the chevron striping.

And I’m big on maxi dresses for fall.

It looks fairly sheer so I may need to add a slip to the dress, but overall I’m quite pleased with my selection.

One of the things I love about this fashion site is that they show their clothing on standard size models AND plus size models.

Side by side, it’s very compelling to show how clothing looks on different body types.

I applaud their creativity.

So there you have it.

A new dress for me.

Perhaps I’ll wear it around the house and enjoy sheltering in place in style.

Maybe I’ll go out on a date.

You never know.

Quinceañera

The quinceañera party for the 15 year anniversary of the Village took place on Monday afternoon on the playa at the local bar, aka the bar I worked at from 10 pm to 12 am serving drinks to thirsty guests.

I got dressed up in all my quinceañera finery:

It was fun to celebrate with other villagers and even though only ONE OTHER PERSON got dressed up in theme (thank you, Moonbeam), I had a great time drinking spiked horhata and eating churros.

Of course, as I was bartending, I had to card everyone before pouring them a drink.

In my quinceañera dress.

A couple of young kids, barely legal (but legal, nonetheless) came by and asked for drinks.

I carded them – they looked YOUNG – and noted that they were all 23 or younger.

They asked me why I was so dressed up.

“It’s my quinceañera!” I told them.

One snarky young lady said to me, “Now I need to see YOUR ID!”

They all laughed heartily at her joke.

Rude!

But true.

A 45-year old woman in a pink frilly dress and a tiara is not something you see everyday.

Unless you’re at BURNING MAN!

American boobs

I bought a white dress for White Wednesday on the playa, envisioning this kind of outfit:

I got it to replace my last white dress which had seen better days.

The new dress came in the mail and, well, it came in a bag marked “Made in China” on it.

Oh no!

That means the dress is made for Chinese boobs.

Not my massive G-size American boobs.

But I decided to try it on anyway.

And wouldn’t you know, it fit.

Sort of.

I’m trying to decide if there’s too much side boob or too much underboob to wear on the playa.

Now, I know that Burning Man is clothing optional.

Clearly I could (and occasionally do) go topless.

And between you and me, sometimes bottomless too.

But I want a white dress to wear for this occasion.

So tell me, what do you think of this top?

Exhibitionist

I’ve been having SUCH A HARD TIME finding a yellow sundress.

The first dress I chose was X-rated.

All boob, no coverage.

The second dress I chose turned out to be WAY TOO BIG ON ME.

I was literally falling out of the top.

These boobs, man. . . they’re just determined to display themselves.

They’re such EXHIBITIONISTS!

I think I’ve finally found a dress that will work.

Mind you, all this is because I bought a yellow floral headband that I want to wear and I need a dress to go with it.

Now that I have PILES OF DRESSES to return to the store, it’s finally dawned on me – the purpose of shopping in a store in the first place.

To avoid fiascos like the one I’m facing.

Still, it’s nice to shop online and be able to hit Macys, Nordstrom, and a plethora of other shops all while one reclines in bed eating peanuts.

Yes, that really happens!

Happy yellow

Trying to recover from my disastrous online sundress shopping experience, I finally gave up and did a mega search for yellow sundresses.

Why?

Because once upon a time I imagined I’d be going to Florida with a yellow dress and I bought a matching flower crown to go with it:

Then the dress fell through.

Oh, what’s a girl to do but SHOP SOME MORE?!

I found a dress to go with my flower crown:

And I got earrings, shoes, and a clutch to match:

You’ve got to picture a mega top knot bun surrounded by my little yellow flower crown, similar to this one with big blue flowers:

Definitely worthy of a nice night out with The Swede and his daughter.

I’m so excited!

And the dress fits, what’s more.

So you might as well go ahead and color me happy.

I just love my sunny, happy, yellow dress!

Underboob

My new dresses arrived in the mail.

I was eager to try them on, so I stripped and slipped into the first one.

Now something I DIDN’T notice when I bought the dress, but that I DID notice BEFORE it arrived is that it has a keyhole opening at the bust line.

Yes, indeed.

Now, I’m sure for someone less ENDOWED than me, this is NBD.

However, when you are a 38G, keyhole breast openings become something of a problem.

And this keyhole opening is no exception.

I called my sister.

“Check out this pretty new dress I got,” I said to her.

She took one look at the picture and swore that my dress was REALLY inappropriate for going to Florida with The Swede and his goalie daughter.

“Maybe if you were on vacation, just the two of you,” she explained.

“But since there’s a teenager involved and FAMILIES at the ice arena, you probably should rethink that dress,” she finished.

Now, normally I think showing my breasts is no big deal.

I’ve been known to show them off once or twice.

[cough]

But it just didn’t sit right with me, walking around in a dress where I could potentially have a nip slip or something worse.

Granted, if I wore the dress I’d probably have my bathing suit under it, rendering it more G-rated.

But as it stands, R-rated dresses and 17 year old teenage goalies just don’t mix.

I returned the dress.

Edwardian Bomb

I’m tentatively putting together an Edwardian costume.

Because there’s the EDWARDIAN BALL in San Francisco, duh.

And I’m thinking I MIGHT go this year.

The Edwardian period started in 1901 and ended in 1910 and as far as I can tell, these were the fashionable silhouettes of the era:

Emphasis on small waists, an enlarged posterior, multiple layers of fabric, intricate beading and flamboyant hats.

It’s really a shame the Edwardian period didn’t extend a little further into the 1900s because I SERIOUSLY LOVE all the fashion of Downton Abbey.

Think Titanic (1912) meets Art Deco (1908+).

The thing about it is I love the fashion of the WWI era, which followed the Edwardian Period and I’m SO tempted to just go with that look.

Check out a few of the dresses I’ve been scoping out:

I think I’m going to get the last dress for no other reason than it’s the least expensive one (even though the middle one is my favorite ($325)).

Softening the blow is that fact that I found a STUPENDOUS hat to go with the dress:

What does it mean when the dress you’re wearing costs one tenth the cost of the accessories, because THAT’S THE DIRECTION I’M GOING IN.

Dress – $40

Hat – $400

Showing up at a former lover’s house looking like THE BOMB – PRICELESS!

My Fair Lady inspo

I wrote not one, but TWO posts about Eliza Doolittle (HERE and HERE).

This is because I am a HUGE fan of My Fair Lady.

My parents loved it and made me watch it over and over again when I was growing up.

So when a friend announced she is throwing a party in January with a Black/White theme, I knew EXACTLY what I was going to pull together to wear to the party.

THE ROYAL ASCOT COSTUME from My Fair Lady!

A custom made Royal Ascot dress is too steep for my blood, costing around $1,000 on etsy:

So I’m just going to go for a dramatic white dress instead of something custom made.

This dress from Amazon will work just fine (high neck, long sleeve, mermaid-ish silhouette):

There are three hats to choose from and honestly, I’m going to go with the last hat because it’s the least expensive:

Of course I will need to accessorize the dress with a black and white striped belt and matching bow for the shoulder.

These should do nicely:

And there you have it, my ensemble for a Black and White Themed Party!

I was going to be good. . .

I was going to be good.

I had it all planned out in my head.

I was going to wear my red and purple dress to my cousin’s wedding in October.

I even bought a little red and purple fascinator to go with it.

But then I wore the dress on a date (a disaster of a date, if you ask me).

And it struck me that for a wedding, it was AWFULLY low cut.

Maybe too much so.

I mean, I don’t want to be remembered as the cousin who had her tatas hanging out while her cousin got married.

I can just hear the gossip now.

“Who’s Michelle?”

“You know, she was the one in the really low cut dress. . .”

“Oh right. Tacky.”

My Aunt Xondra has informed me that if she gets married, she’s making me wear a turtleneck.

So it seems I have a bit of a reputation for this sort of thing.

Therefore, I bought a dress at Nordstrom to wear to the wedding.

A lavender floral dress.

Isn’t it pretty?

And not the least bit low cut.

Demure, even.

I also bought a teeny tiny fascinator to go with the dress.

So even though the plan was to not spend money, I did spend a wee bit on a new outfit.

I was going to be good.

But being bad is so much better!