Quinceañera

The quinceañera party for the 15 year anniversary of the Village took place on Monday afternoon on the playa at the local bar, aka the bar I worked at from 10 pm to 12 am serving drinks to thirsty guests.

I got dressed up in all my quinceañera finery:

It was fun to celebrate with other villagers and even though only ONE OTHER PERSON got dressed up in theme (thank you, Moonbeam), I had a great time drinking spiked horhata and eating churros.

Of course, as I was bartending, I had to card everyone before pouring them a drink.

In my quinceañera dress.

A couple of young kids, barely legal (but legal, nonetheless) came by and asked for drinks.

I carded them – they looked YOUNG – and noted that they were all 23 or younger.

They asked me why I was so dressed up.

“It’s my quinceañera!” I told them.

One snarky young lady said to me, “Now I need to see YOUR ID!”

They all laughed heartily at her joke.

Rude!

But true.

A 45-year old woman in a pink frilly dress and a tiara is not something you see everyday.

Unless you’re at BURNING MAN!

American boobs

I bought a white dress for White Wednesday on the playa, envisioning this kind of outfit:

I got it to replace my last white dress which had seen better days.

The new dress came in the mail and, well, it came in a bag marked “Made in China” on it.

Oh no!

That means the dress is made for Chinese boobs.

Not my massive G-size American boobs.

But I decided to try it on anyway.

And wouldn’t you know, it fit.

Sort of.

I’m trying to decide if there’s too much side boob or too much underboob to wear on the playa.

Now, I know that Burning Man is clothing optional.

Clearly I could (and occasionally do) go topless.

And between you and me, sometimes bottomless too.

But I want a white dress to wear for this occasion.

So tell me, what do you think of this top?

Exhibitionist

I’ve been having SUCH A HARD TIME finding a yellow sundress.

The first dress I chose was X-rated.

All boob, no coverage.

The second dress I chose turned out to be WAY TOO BIG ON ME.

I was literally falling out of the top.

These boobs, man. . . they’re just determined to display themselves.

They’re such EXHIBITIONISTS!

I think I’ve finally found a dress that will work.

Mind you, all this is because I bought a yellow floral headband that I want to wear and I need a dress to go with it.

Now that I have PILES OF DRESSES to return to the store, it’s finally dawned on me – the purpose of shopping in a store in the first place.

To avoid fiascos like the one I’m facing.

Still, it’s nice to shop online and be able to hit Macys, Nordstrom, and a plethora of other shops all while one reclines in bed eating peanuts.

Yes, that really happens!

Happy yellow

Trying to recover from my disastrous online sundress shopping experience, I finally gave up and did a mega search for yellow sundresses.

Why?

Because once upon a time I imagined I’d be going to Florida with a yellow dress and I bought a matching flower crown to go with it:

Then the dress fell through.

Oh, what’s a girl to do but SHOP SOME MORE?!

I found a dress to go with my flower crown:

And I got earrings, shoes, and a clutch to match:

You’ve got to picture a mega top knot bun surrounded by my little yellow flower crown, similar to this one with big blue flowers:

Definitely worthy of a nice night out with The Swede and his daughter.

I’m so excited!

And the dress fits, what’s more.

So you might as well go ahead and color me happy.

I just love my sunny, happy, yellow dress!

Underboob

My new dresses arrived in the mail.

I was eager to try them on, so I stripped and slipped into the first one.

Now something I DIDN’T notice when I bought the dress, but that I DID notice BEFORE it arrived is that it has a keyhole opening at the bust line.

Yes, indeed.

Now, I’m sure for someone less ENDOWED than me, this is NBD.

However, when you are a 38G, keyhole breast openings become something of a problem.

And this keyhole opening is no exception.

I called my sister.

“Check out this pretty new dress I got,” I said to her.

She took one look at the picture and swore that my dress was REALLY inappropriate for going to Florida with The Swede and his goalie daughter.

“Maybe if you were on vacation, just the two of you,” she explained.

“But since there’s a teenager involved and FAMILIES at the ice arena, you probably should rethink that dress,” she finished.

Now, normally I think showing my breasts is no big deal.

I’ve been known to show them off once or twice.

[cough]

But it just didn’t sit right with me, walking around in a dress where I could potentially have a nip slip or something worse.

Granted, if I wore the dress I’d probably have my bathing suit under it, rendering it more G-rated.

But as it stands, R-rated dresses and 17 year old teenage goalies just don’t mix.

I returned the dress.

Edwardian Bomb

I’m tentatively putting together an Edwardian costume.

Because there’s the EDWARDIAN BALL in San Francisco, duh.

And I’m thinking I MIGHT go this year.

The Edwardian period started in 1901 and ended in 1910 and as far as I can tell, these were the fashionable silhouettes of the era:

Emphasis on small waists, an enlarged posterior, multiple layers of fabric, intricate beading and flamboyant hats.

It’s really a shame the Edwardian period didn’t extend a little further into the 1900s because I SERIOUSLY LOVE all the fashion of Downton Abbey.

Think Titanic (1912) meets Art Deco (1908+).

The thing about it is I love the fashion of the WWI era, which followed the Edwardian Period and I’m SO tempted to just go with that look.

Check out a few of the dresses I’ve been scoping out:

I think I’m going to get the last dress for no other reason than it’s the least expensive one (even though the middle one is my favorite ($325)).

Softening the blow is that fact that I found a STUPENDOUS hat to go with the dress:

What does it mean when the dress you’re wearing costs one tenth the cost of the accessories, because THAT’S THE DIRECTION I’M GOING IN.

Dress – $40

Hat – $400

Showing up at a former lover’s house looking like THE BOMB – PRICELESS!

My Fair Lady inspo

I wrote not one, but TWO posts about Eliza Doolittle (HERE and HERE).

This is because I am a HUGE fan of My Fair Lady.

My parents loved it and made me watch it over and over again when I was growing up.

So when a friend announced she is throwing a party in January with a Black/White theme, I knew EXACTLY what I was going to pull together to wear to the party.

THE ROYAL ASCOT COSTUME from My Fair Lady!

A custom made Royal Ascot dress is too steep for my blood, costing around $1,000 on etsy:

So I’m just going to go for a dramatic white dress instead of something custom made.

This dress from Amazon will work just fine (high neck, long sleeve, mermaid-ish silhouette):

There are three hats to choose from and honestly, I’m going to go with the last hat because it’s the least expensive:

Of course I will need to accessorize the dress with a black and white striped belt and matching bow for the shoulder.

These should do nicely:

And there you have it, my ensemble for a Black and White Themed Party!

I was going to be good. . .

I was going to be good.

I had it all planned out in my head.

I was going to wear my red and purple dress to my cousin’s wedding in October.

I even bought a little red and purple fascinator to go with it.

But then I wore the dress on a date (a disaster of a date, if you ask me).

And it struck me that for a wedding, it was AWFULLY low cut.

Maybe too much so.

I mean, I don’t want to be remembered as the cousin who had her tatas hanging out while her cousin got married.

I can just hear the gossip now.

“Who’s Michelle?”

“You know, she was the one in the really low cut dress. . .”

“Oh right. Tacky.”

My Aunt Xondra has informed me that if she gets married, she’s making me wear a turtleneck.

So it seems I have a bit of a reputation for this sort of thing.

Therefore, I bought a dress at Nordstrom to wear to the wedding.

A lavender floral dress.

Isn’t it pretty?

And not the least bit low cut.

Demure, even.

I also bought a teeny tiny fascinator to go with the dress.

So even though the plan was to not spend money, I did spend a wee bit on a new outfit.

I was going to be good.

But being bad is so much better!

 

Good enough for British aristocracy

I AM GOING TO A WEDDING!

In case you didn’t know, weddings are my favorite weekend activity.

And this one is great because IT’S MY COUSIN getting married!

And I’m staying in a nice hotel!

And I’m bringing one of my sons!

You’d think, as a chronically single woman I would HATE weddings.

But you’d be wrong.

I love them!

I love seeing couples share their wedding vows with family and friends.

I love seeing the guests all dolled up in their finest.

I love the focus on love conquering all and emerging triumphant over loneliness.

It gives me hope for my own personal life.

Perhaps someday soon, I too will meet a man who captures my heart.

But until that time, I will have to be satisfied attending other people’s weddings.

I have a BEAUTIFUL red and purple maxi dress that I plan to wear to the wedding.

It’s got a plunging neckline, it’s wedding-appropriate, and I happen to love the bright vivid colors.

But what to wear with it?

And this is where I turn into crazy cousin Michelle with her unusual clothing selection and accessories.

I bought a fascinator to go with it:

If it’s good enough for the British aristocracy, then it’s good enough for me.

Of course, their hats are subdued and monochromatic while mine is colorful and wild.

But you know what?

I LOVE IT!

And I’m going to wear it.

Ashley Graham inspo

I have this new obsession with Ashley Graham.

She’s a plus-size model, one of the first to appear in Sports Illustrated.

There’s this picture of her that I absolutely ADORE:

Not only is her hair and makeup totally on point, but the OUTFIT is killer!

I could rock something like that.

So why not?

The body con black sleeveless midi dress by Fashion Nova ($19.99):

The white longsleeve plunge mesh bodysuit (30 GBP):

And, of course, the GORGEOUS eye-catching strappy black bra at Venus Swimwear ($39):

Think I could pull it off?

Well, call me a pancake and flip me over, I sure as hell think so.

Just add a pair of sky high black heels and some red lipstick and I’m ready to go!