When you drink with your sister

Start with a mini bottle of Champagne Pink Pop. Pick it out in a pink bottle thinking it’s pink. Discover it’s not pink and be disappointed. Try champagne and be even more disappointed. Add orange juice to make it drinkable.

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Try OREgasmic Ale by Rogue Farms, because it’s supposed to be OREgasmic. Discover OREgasmic beer tastes like dirty feet and pot ash. Definitely not orgasmic. Be disappointed.

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Try cheap stacked wine which comes in its own glass. Have low expectations. Have low expectations met. Feel foolish for trying wine which comes with a pull off lid.

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Try Blood Orange Mimosa. Suspect it’s a headache in a bottle with a screw top lid, but love it anyway.  Make your sister drink most of it after dosing it with vodka.

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 Graduate to bonafide liquor – making really strong mai tai and screwdriver. Decide to hop in the hot tub naked. Have to hang foot out of hot tub because of new foot tattoo (which effing HURTS). Have sister yell at you when you accidentally dip it in the water. Feel sheepish. Snap selfie anyway.

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UPDATE:  Get RAGING cellulitis (skin infection) from dipping foot in hot tub.  Deal with your sister’s “I-told-you-so’s.”  On antibiotics.  Feel even more sheepish.

Kidnapping and restraints?!

michelleI went on an impromptu date with an Englishman.

We just started texting and before I knew it we were making plans to go to get drinks after work.

Truthfully, I agreed to go out with him because in his profile picture he was wearing a top hat and carrying a cane.

I figured any man not afraid of a little personal expression would be a good match for me.

Mr. Englishman was bright, funny, charming, and a bit of a prankster.

He told me about all the “Stag” (read: Bachelor) parties he helps to plan.

He apparently has a reputation for throwing stag parties with epic outcomes.

I asked him to explain himself.

He said, “First of all, the groom has to disappear.”

Wha?

Yes, apparently there’s an element of kidnapping and restraint to his parties.

Once, he shackled a groom to iron balls (symbolizing his impending “ball-and-chain” status) and left him lying in the middle of a road where there’s lots of foot traffic.

They returned every so often to give him drinks and check on his status.

On their final visit, they discovered his clothes had been cut off him.

What the hell happens in England during a stag party!?!?!

I’m not even going to get into what he’s planning for his oldest son who is getting married in a few months but I will tell you this:

The Englishman informed me that he is showing restraint because IT WILL NOT INVOLVE A STRAP ON.

That poor child. Could it get any worse?

So as the date concluded, Mr. Englishman invited me back to his hotel room for drinks (read: sex).

And I asked myself, do I want to go to a hotel room with a virtual stranger who has just admitted to me that he likes to kidnap and restrain people for fun?

And the answer, dear friends, was a resounding NO!

Bad Date!

I was running a few minutes late for my date with Paul.

When he called me on the phone to tell me he was already at the bar and could he order me a drink, I was pleasantly surprised.

“Sure,” I said, “I’d like a gin and tonic.”

“Great,’ he joked, “this gives me time to rufie your drink.”

“………”

Guys, rape jokes = not funny.