Valentine’s Day (aka Singles Awareness Day) sucks for us single people. All day long, people have been asking me my plans for Valentine’s Day. You wanna know what my plans are? I’m going to go home and masterbate after drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself while watching “The Notebook” and crying because that movie is just so damned romantic. And I’m going to try really hard not to think of Edward out on a date falling in love with another woman. And when I fail to do that I will just go to bed early to give myself some relief for the sadness.
Anything and everything is romantic on Valentine’s Day. And I get to hear about all of it in vivid detail on Facebook. In sickeningly sweet romantic detail.
“My wife is too perfect for words…”
“He showed up with his hands full of beautiful long stem roses…”
Oh gag! Gag! GAG!
The most genuinely romantic thing I saw on Facebook for Valentine’s Day is my step-sister’s post. She just had baby #2 the day before Valentine’s Day and she posted “Family is what happens when two people fall in love.”
So no, I’m not completely bitter about Valentine’s Day. In fact, I’m celebrating the fact that I have a date tomorrow. At a fancy restaurant in Los Gatos. LOL Oh history, you do repeat yourself don’t you?
I’m not saturated with bitterness, but if I was it might be because I just got an email from a guy complimenting my rack. This is how he introduced himself to me. Yes, these are the men who are single and available to us single ladies. And now you know why I’m still single – the dating pool out there is a little inbred, inebriated and inept. I can’t imagine why he’s single, can you? But he’s sure as hell right about my rack 😉
Bitterness is personified by my sister who wrote on Facebook “I don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s. Or work. Or anything. I need chocolate.” Touche Lisa. She even added this lovely image to solidify her stance on V-Day:
She’ll likely feel better when she gets the flowers, teddy bear and chocolate my boys and I sent her. The day will definitely improve for her then. Because in the end, all we really want on Valentine’s Day is to feel special… to have someone, anyone do a little something to make our day brighter. Make us feel cared for.
Sure, I’d love to go home and have someone sexy to hug, share a romantic meal with, and go mattress dancing with, but that’s ignoring the fact that I have two teenage boys who love me who will probably give me a hug when I get home then ignore me the rest of the night while they play video games and I watch a sappy romantic movie while drinking aforementioned bottle of champagne. I’ll likely contact some of my flirty friends and swap sexy texts.
Then I’ll fall asleep, drunk on champagne bubbles and wake up with a headache ready to relight my beacon of optimism and go out on a date with Tony. That’s exactly what I’ll do.