I have a confession to make.

I engaged in ex-sex over the holiday break.

Yes, I did.

My ex was in town at the same party as me and I figured, “Why not?”

And so I grabbed it with my hungry little hands and ate deeply.

Do I regret it?

Not. One. Bit.

Not only did I completely enjoy myself, I took a trip down memory lane and partook of my ex’s BIG DADDY energy as thoroughly as I could.

After all, it’s not all that often I get topped in the bedroom, so the change of pace was nice.

I’d like to say that I thought about this decision LONG and HARD.

But the truth is I barely gave it a thought.

That could lead to fallout I know, but so far there’s been none.

I haven’t been heartsick with longing.

Or wishing I could go back in time and make things turn out differently.

I haven’t even THOUGHT about what we did, other than to put a big smirking grin on my face from time to time.

I’d like to credit my hormones for helping me act SPONTANEOUSLY, because I was SERIOUSLY RIPE FOR THE PICKING.

And to quote my favorite flute-playing, leotard-wearing, bad-ass-bitch Lizzo, “I’m feeling GOOD AS HELL!”




Hierarchy of Casual Sex

casual-sex-formalI once posted a Hierarchy of Cum Rags. LOL. That got a few laughs. Here is my Hierarchy of Casual Sex:

  1. One night stand – It doesn’t get more casual than a one night stand. These are your Tinder “dates,” your hookups, your “hit it and quit it” moments. Maybe they spend the night, maybe they don’t. The important thing here is that EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS IS FOR SHOW ONLY. No one intends to call. It’s a one night stand, after all!
  2. Booty call – Booty calls typically evolve out of one night stands.  You fucked once and enjoyed it and want to do it again.  There are no emotions involved here and no one thinks there is a potential fr anything more.  This is a relationship founded on sex.  WOO HOO!
  3. No strings attached – Ah, the casual habitual hookup with absolutely no intention of doing anything besides what you’re already doing. The difference between this and a one night stand or booty call is that a no strings attached relationship occurs over a period of time. Food may be involved.  It’s allowed.  You hook up more than once but again, it’s just for sex. No strings attached means you’re free to do as you please. NO ONE IS GOING TO ASK YOU TO MEET THEIR PARENTS AT CHRISTMAS.
  4. Fuck buddy – Ah, the beloved fuck buddy.  This is someone who you hook up with who is more of an acquaintance than a friend.  You don’t really move in the same social circles at all.  IT’S JUST SEX!
  5. Friends with benefits (FWB) – Here you have your typical no strings attached relationship except you also see each other socially. There are two kinds of FWB relationships – in the closet and outed. With in the closet FWB relationships, no one knows you’re bumping uglies. With outed FWB relationships, your friends know. Either way, these are more than one night stands and no strings attached hookups. They’re relationships. There may be food involved before the boinking (or afterwards) and there’s at least a modest amount of socializing. Either way, this is a friendly, repetitive arrangement that involves sex and friendship. The bottom line is you like each other, JUST NOT ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT A REAL RELATIONSHIP.
  6. Ex sex – Ooohh, dangerous territory. Here you have your typical failed relationship, only you still like each other enough to continue the physical part of the relationship minus the messy stuff that made the relationship fail in the first place. Only problem is, people are BAD AT COMPARTMENTALIZING. Expect problems with this one.
  7. Non-exclusive – You’re dating. You’re fucking. But no one has used the L word and technically since you haven’t had THE TALK, it’s still non-exclusive. Meaning both of you can still be seeing other people… like your FWB or a Tinder hookup.
  8. Exclusive – Maybe the L word has been used. Maybe it hasn’t. What sets this relationship apart from the others is that you are now committed to sleeping with ONLY ONE PERSON. Welcome to the world of monogamy. I’m not sure this belongs on this list since TECHNICALLY, it’s no longer CASUAL sex. But seeing as how this is a progression of casual sex, I figured I’d include it
  9. Polyamorous – JUST KIDDING! That’s a whole other blog post (that I’ll never write).


So I’ve been thinking about my ex Steve.  Steve is the smartest man I ever met.  Also the dumbest for letting me go.  And he’s the biggest man I ever dated – with a 56″ chest.  YUM!

Steve just moved to Texas, which is nowhere near California and where I live.  And that’s a good thing because otherwise I’d be tempted to have ex-sex.


Ex sex or FWB… which is better?

30600042175f3a62a8c6ad1c08e2beecIs it preferable to jump back in the sack with an ex or is it better to find a friend to fuck?

Sex with an ex may be great at the onset, but it could reintroduce feelings for one of you and heartbreak may ensue again… and again… and again…

FWB may avoid that pitfall if romantic feelings never existed between the two parties. It’s just two people going bump, bump, bump in the night.

Let’s face the truth here. Whether you choose ex sex or FWB, you’re choosing a minimalist approach to getting laid. You’re not making an investment in your future, you’re living for the moment.

And what’s wrong with living for the moment? Nothing (especially if you ask a Buddhist). That’s right. You’re entitled to avoid dates and person intimacy. These things take time and you need some NOW.

If you choose ex-sex, you’re okay with revisiting and old emotional attachment. Maybe you prefer your sex with a side of romance and emotion.

If you choose FWB, perhaps you’re looking for something simpler – a little more body and a little less soul.

It’s likely , no matter what you choose, how many rules you impose, or who has the attachment, feelings will be created; hopes will be established; and you will likely have to deal with intimacy again, or all over again. But meanwhile, what a run, right?!

Ex sex?

imageGo for it? Or not a snowball’s chance in hell?

I’ve been thinking about it recently so I decided to poll my friends on Facebook to get their opinions.

I’d like to say it was a polarized conversation but with the noted exception of my “Uncle Jamie” who replied, ” Do it til you shake the disease…. get it out of your system,” most of the responses were unfavorable.

My favorite was my cousin Jennifer who wrote, “Depends on the ex, but in your case NO.” Just like that, with caps and all. She explained herself, “I veto all your exes. Some more than others. Please remember there is a (good) reason that shit did not work out the first time.”

Touché Jennifer.

And my friend Michelle wrote, “Been there and done that. I guess it’s about whether or not you want to risk your heart. If you can “do it like a man” and keep it just fun then there isn’t any real harm. But if you truly loved this person and still have any of that spark left in you, it’s a dangerous place to go.”

Ain’t that the truth. Michelle really gets to the heart of the matter. Lingering feelings.

The truth is the only exes I could sleep with are the ones I don’t hate yet have no feelings for. Lord knows precious few of my exes meet that criteria. The irony is I’d hop back in the sack with the opposite – ones I still love and have feelings for. But there’s only one of those and I’m not going there.

As Jennifer put it, “You’re not so great at sex without feelings, lol. Too much passion in you, babe.”

And maybe she’s right. Maybe passion, once experienced, never truly goes away. We may be tempted to tap into it but doing so would be a mistake because the corresponding feelings come right back. And we are doomed to revisit the same mistake we made earlier.

It’s worth a mention that I decided to inquire about people’s feelings on the subject matter because so many of my friends were admitting to doing it.  My friend Jenny wrote “I’ve done it over & over with my 1st love. Good stuff if you can leave emotions at the door. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it. Never regretted it but regretted my emotional attachment. Fair warning but have fun!”

So despite the overwhelming “it’s a bad idea” vote, people are still doing it.  They’re still pursing that last little bit of nookie from their ex.  So we must not be taking our own advice.

Two posts worth mentioning…. Matt for suggesting inanimate objects are the better course of action and Steve (my ex) who just said, “Yay!”

So what have I learned from this little experiment?

I’ve learned that ex sex is ill-advised. I’ve learned that Facebook posts can be enlightening as well as entertaining. I’ve learned to trust my own instincts.

And I think my cousin Jennifer should have a weekly post on this blog where she dispenses her usual below-the-belt advice with a very sweet smile.