F*cking Facebook

I don’t know about you but suddenly my “People You May Know” section of Facebook is LIGHTING UP with men I used to date, almost dated, and flirted with.

How this happened, I have no idea.  I didn’t even know what most of these men’s names were.  I can only imagine the magic that Facebook employed to delve into my online dating records.  The fact that Facebook was able to dredge these men up from the sewers of my life scares me and impresses me a little.

They even located Louis, who managed to give me my WORST DATE EVER story involving two standard size poodles, the Adult Swim channel (which may have cartoons on it but it incidentally NOT A CHILDREN’S CHANNEL), and Louis’ 6-year-old daughter.  I could not make this up and I’ll save the whole story for another blog post.

Louis beat out that aptly named “Fartman” for the title of WORST DATE EVER.  No explanation is necessary for that one, I assume.

It’s been an awakening to see al the faces of the men I’ve entertained.  It makes me realize how long I’ve been dating and how many different men I’ve gone out with.

More than Princess Di, less than Madonna and we’ll leave it at that.

But still, I have to wonder how did Facebook do it?  They even found sexy Dixon who I am currently texting with.

I can only imagine that these men are experiencing the same flashbacks as I am as my picture goes floating by in their “People You May Know” (aka “People You Know But Don’t Want to Admit You Know or Even be Friends With) section.

Surely they think of me as that sexy, brilliant, adventurous blond they were lucky enough to go out with and perhaps they should give me a ring.

Then again, PERHAPS NOT!

Rude Boys

A ton of stuff is going on, but none of it is blogworthy.

I mean, there was the guy who sent me a video clip of him in slow motion slapping some chick’s ass.

Yeah, so there’s that.

Then there’s the guy I had to block on Facebook for being downright mean to me.

He’s the second person I’ve blocked.

Ever.

The first guy I blocked what a friend of a friend who I’d never actually met but since we had a friend in common I approved the add.

He promptly sent me a message asking me when the last time I had sex.

BLOCK!

I mean seriously, what is it about me that INVITES that kind of conversation?

Nothing.

That’s just a rude boy!

The second guy I blocked was a mutual friend of the common friend.

I guess amnesia set in because I thought, what the hell, I’ll try again.

Instantly, I was peppered with questions about my feet.

When I told him that wasn’t my thing and did nothing for me, he sent me a nasty message.

Obviously my feet must look OLD if I’m not willing to share a picture of them over the internet (to a virtual stranger with a foot fetish, I might add).

BLOCK!

And now I know.

Do not approve anyone as a friend who you haven’t met in person, regardless of how many mutual friends you might have.

I say this a little tongue in cheek, because as you know Rude Boys make blogging gold.

I honestly couldn’t dream up some of the things that have been suggested to me.

But seriously, once, just once, I’d like to write a blog post about a man who was thougful and kind to me instead of the opposite.

One can only hope. . .

BEHAVE!

I used to have a life coach.

He was good for some things but he was also very CHRISTIAN and would talk about Jesus a lot.

I wanted coaching grounded in reality, not religion so I wound up ending my coaching sessions.

One thing my coach said is that we attract the energy that we put out there.

In a way, I believe this to be true.

So I’m just wondering, what is the energy I’m putting out when I get this message from a new “friend” on Facebook (someone I’ve never met but approved because we have a mutual friend)?

Now.

How tacky is he for opening up a conversation with a brand new acquaintance with “when did u last sleep with someone?”

I immediately blocked him on Facebook and felt rather satisfied with my swift and strong response to his disgusting behavior.

But I did pause for a second and wonder – just what is wrong with my own energy that I seem to INVITE these kinds of conversations?

Am I doing something wrong?

I’m trying to walk the straight and narrow and behave myself and yet I keep getting sucked back into fringe conversations and activities.

How do I get back on track and attract the right kind of people into my life?

I’m trying to BEHAVE!

Still lusting after the good ones

I have roughly 500 friends on Facebook.

Yesterday, as an experiment, I counted how many of my Facebook friends were ex-lovers.

Out of 500, there were 17.

17 ex-lovers – 16 men and 1 woman.

Hey, I had an experimental phase.

No current lovers, mind you.

As I was making my way through the list of friends, I had to do a double take a few times and ask myself, “Did we sleep together?”

Sometimes the answer was “No, we just OMed.”

There are nearly 50 men on Facebook who I OMed with.

Other times, the answer was, “No, we just fooled around a bit but no sex.”

Like with my friend “Nathan” who I used to watch porn with and let him grope me.

And even still, the answer was occasionally, “No, but I REALLY wanted to.”

And there are SEVERAL men who fall into that category.

If I counted all the people who I’ve had some sort of sexual activity with, I’m sure my number would jump in leaps and bounds.

Truthfully, I was surprised there were that many ex-lovers on my Facebook page.

Historically, I’m not the best at keeping in touch with past partners.

I guess Facebook is heralding in the age of long term friendships with exes.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

It’s actually quite nice to see them doing well and having a good time.

And of course, still lusting after the good ones!

Privacy

Yesterday my privacy was violated.

Someone logged into my Facebook account and looked at pictures that were supposed to be private.

Ones that I had filtered from the public and friends.

Not nude pics, but close to nude pics.

Tasteful I thought.

This person then got upset and offended and proceeded to tell my mother that I needed an intervention. That I was out of control.

Nudity bothers me less than the average American. In that respect, I am less mainstream and more on the fringe.

My mother then proceeded to unload on me all her imagined “sexual trespasses” that I had “committed” in her mind.

According to her, I sleep with every man I go on a date with.

This is ironic. I can point to many men I’ve dated way more than just one time who I have never slept with.

I do the best I can to share intimacies with men who I feel have the possibility of developing into something more.

In some cases, I am right – like with Luke and Jay – and I wind up in 18 month relationships.

In other cases, I am wrong – like with The Israeli – and I wind up ghosted with a face full of cum.

I rarely spend the night and I don’t have sex at my house.

These are the rules I have.

As a 43 year old woman, I don’t think I need to justify my sex life to my parents and it’s a shame that they are all up in my business about it.

It hurts that someone felt the need to spy on me, but what hurts more is knowing that my parents have a flawed and skewed image of me in their heads.

According to my mother, I am a slut.

Sigh.

That woman has never been comfortable with my sexuality.

There is no great insight I have here.

I’m rather confused and hurt about the whole experience.

And it’s ironic that all this is happening at a time in my life when I’m focused less on dating and more on friendships.

Yes, you read that right.

I’m settling down.

Save

The Parade of Dates

Facebook is showing me profiles of “People You May Know” and somehow they have managed to be spot on.

Scrolling through those profiles is like rolling through the last 12 years of my life, in dates.

It must be because I haven’t deleted their phone numbers from my phone.

That is the sole connection I have with these men.

Some of them I dated right after my divorce in August of 2006.

I must say, they’re quite the handsome bunch of men, if a little eclectic.

There’s Charlie (yes, ANOTHER Charlie) who texted me FOREVER and yet managed to never actually take me out on a date.

Then there’s Matt – tall, blond, handsome, and very lumberjacky – who was basically MADE FOR ME but dropped me after three dates.

OMG, then there’s Link – I went out on a date with him and brought a friend because she liked his profile too so we figured we’d give him a choice.   However once meeting him, we decided he was for neither of us.

Of course there’s Louis, who is married to a young bride and (I suspect) has more children in his future, despite pushing 50.

And then, a regret. Kurt. I went out with Kurt 4 times before ghosting him. Not a proud moment on my part. He was a wonderful man.

It seems the only man who I dated who ISN’T on this list is my ex-boyfriend Luke, who has BLOCKED me on Facebook. Not because I tried to add him as a friend. Not because I was messaging him. But because he cheated on me with another woman while I was recovering from a miscarriage and the taste of his own betrayal is so bitter he has to avoid any reminder of his slimy behavior.

It’s at times like these, when I’m considering a do-over with these men, that I realize something very important.

IT’S TIME TO PURGE MY PHONE.

Valentine’s Day and the shit storm of social media

michelleI’m bracing myself for it.

I know it’s going to come.

I’m going to log in to Facebook on February 14th and I’m going to be INUNDATED with people professing their love for one another.

It’s going to be a real shit storm.

Now, I’ve got to be honest.

When you coupled up people post how awesome your partner is and how much you love them on EVERY ANNIVERSARY, I throw up a little in my mouth.

Really?  Is that truly necessary?

Every fucking anniversary?

We get it.  You’re in love.

After all, you’re still together, right?

I just assume you think your partner is awesome and that you love them.  That’s the status quo folks.  You don’t need to post it.

It’s rather annoying, but O. K.

Then Valentine’s Day hits and my Facebook feed is filled with declarations of love and. . .

OMG, I puked a little just thinking about it.

You know what I want to hear?

I want to hear how much you love your partner when they give you their kidney when yours go bad.  Or when they stay up all night long watching over you because you are sick.  I want to hear that you love your partner when they drive 300 miles to pick you up because you got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.  Or when they came and cleaned up your cat that got eaten by a coyote because you couldn’t bear to do it yourself.

But some trumped up, pink and red holiday sentiment just doesn’t do it for me.

Keep it real folks, that’s all I’m saying.

Just keep it real.

 

Self-promotion is a bitch

michelleI’m just going to come out and say it.

This 7 Days of Love Your Spouse Challenge on FB has GOT TO STOP.

Honestly.

It’s enough when you marrieds post your wedding photos and expressions of perfect, unending love for your spouses on your anniversaries every year.

But 7 days of cheesy, over-the-top romantic statements of grandiose love topped off with some sort of mushy photo is JUST TOO MUCH.

If I wanted my Facebook stream to have that much saccharine sweetness to it, I’d follow candy stores.

Look, I get it. You’re married. And you’re happy. Blissfully so.

But do you really need to celebrate that for 7 FUCKING DAYS!? Publicly!? On Facebook!?

And on top of that, you nominate two more people (usually friends of mine) to join in the fuck fest so the shit show is never ending.

I’m just going to admit that I’m sick of it.

This is one of the WORST Facebook activities I’ve had pollute my stream.

Although I do have to admit, I got a kick out of it when posts from my former lover’s wife started floating by on Facebook.

Ha! There’s an EPIC love story.

I’ll give you this though – the only (and I mean ONLY) redeeming feature of the holy hell that 7 Days of Love Your Spouse Challenge has brought to me is that it has broken up the endless stream of political posts and diatribe that has infected my stream.

That is all.

The difference between men and women

So.

I’ve just discovered Instagram.

I know. I’m late to the party.

What can I say, I was a Facebook girl until Facebook couldn’t keep me occupied enough during my bouts of insomnia.

Hence, Instagram.

Yesterday I went through Instagram and I followed a bunch of curvy models just to, you know, have examples of body diversity in my life.

And overall I was pleased with the results.

Until. . .

Until I discovered that a bunch of these models were really “aspiring” models who post borderline pornography of themselves on Instagram.

That’s definitely one way to get followers!

Anyway, my prudish side came out to play and I unfollowed a bunch of “aspiring” curvy girl models.

Basically at 3 am when I’m up and awake, I guess I’m not looking for a video of a woman playing with her own tits or bounce squatting in front of a camera.

The difference between men and women, eh?

boobs

BUSTED. . . by Facebook

Not long ago. I put up a post about the Australian (aka the Aussie) hitting on me with a graphic text, “Do you war to get your pu**y licked?”

I wrote a pretty benign post to accompany the story however I included a photo which was beyond acceptable for Facebook.

It included no nudity (per se), but it was a picture of a guy going down on a girl.  Contextually graphic if not sexually graphic.

About 12 hours after I linked to the post on Facebook, I tried logging in to Facebook.

Locked out.

And just so you all know in case this happens to you, Facebook tells you why you were locked out, makes you read a warning about content on Facebook, and then asked you to review your photos and mark any that should be removed based on your newfound knowledge of what is appropriate and what is inappropriate.

Was I upset to get censored?  A little, especially knowing a “friend” reported my image.  But I knew I was pushing the boundaries when I uploaded the image.

I personally think that FB needs a non-anonymous system to report photos/content so that those of us who are reported can WEED OUR GARDEN OF THOSE “FRIENDS”.  Honestly, if I offend you, why are you my friend in the first place?  Great idea, no?

Meanwhile, if you wan to see the post that got me in trouble, click here.