Preparing for the zombie apocalypse

The other day, I was chatting with a friend about being attracted to a specific “type” of man.

Seeing as how he was front row center when I flirted with his friend at Burning Man, my friend said that I CLEARLY have a type.

And it’s true.

I am not one to be attracted to men in suits, although I like a man who can get dressed up.

I like a man in jeans and a tight t-shirt who sports a beard.

Yup.

I like them scruffy and down-to-earth.

Think Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs and you’ve got an idea of what appeals to me.

Now, I’m not saying that I never go against type.

I’ve had two boyfriends who didn’t fit the mold.

I’m just saying they had a uphill battle and I will always, ALWAYS find myself attracted to the biggest, baddest, scruffiest man in the room.

Some women are attracted to fancy cars, wealth and expensive suits.

I’m attracted to trucks, 5 o’clock shadows and callused hands.

I’m not sure where this comes from.

My DNA is still in “caveman mode” and is attracted to men who can handle a gun, park a fifth wheel, and barbecue like they were born in a Weber grill.

Clearly my inner woman is preparing for the zombie apocalypse and wants a big, strong man to look after me.

Because who cares what kind of a car you drive or how much money you have in the bank when there are zombies trying to eat your brain?

Beards

Honestly, I’m not sure where my love of beards comes from.

As a kid, I HATED it when my dad grew a beard.

I preferred him clean shaven.

Now, as an adult woman, I LOVE beards.

In fact, I seem to SEEK OUT men with beards.

The only exception to this rule is The Swede.

He is clean shaven and I like him that way.

Although I did enjoy seeing him get SCRUFFY at UnSCruz.

But for the most part, I’m into beards and lumberjacks.

I know this because every time I see a picture of a man with a beard or a goatee, MY OVARIES SHUDDER.

My friend Dean recently went to Burning Man.

And he grew a beard for it. And boy did I ENJOY his beard!

He looked like a bearded Sean Connery.

Totally hot!

In fact, I’d say that 6 of my last 9 lovers have had beards or some sort of facial hair.

Not that I’m counting. . .

While at Burning Man, I myself managed to hook up with a bearded fellow from a neighboring camp.

He complimented me on knowing how to kiss a man with a beard.

Little did he know how much practice I’ve had!

Of course you know what they say:

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!

So I’d better practice A LOT MORE.

My type

My brothers Art and Cy, me and my birthfather

You know how they say that we all have a type?

Well, up until recently, I’d say that I didn’t have a “TYPE.”

This is based on the fact that a few people I’ve dated have been anti-type.

How could I pidgeonhole myself into a type when I CLEARLY date anti-type from time to time.

Luke was anti-type.

He was tall and rail thin, with a crazy metabolism powered by Type 1 Diabetes.

I compared him to Squidward from Sponge Bob.

Then there was Dave, who was anti-type simply by virtue of his 4 advanced degrees in Psychology.

Boy was THAT a MIND FUCK!

Just recently, I was showing Barbara some of my conquests (which I can’t post here because DUH, they’d kill me) when all of a sudden I realized, OH MY GOD. I HAVE A TYPE.

Barbara looked at all the photos and was like, “Yeah, these are the kind of men you’re interested in.”

Older than me.

Charismatic.

Big chested.

Facial hair.

Tall.

I have NO IDEA why this is my type other than IT’S SEXY AF.

My dad is 5’6” tall and Middle Eastern.

My birthfather however fits the type but I didn’t meet him until I was 22 years old, long after I’d established THIS as my type.

Oh, the mysteries of the world.

Am I genetically imprinted to be attracted to the men I’m attracted to?

Who knows.

All I know is this. . .

I could probably walk Barbara into a crowded room filled with men and she will be able to point out the men I’m attracted to.

Because. . .

. . .I have a type.

Smooth

I watched a video recently where 5 women took a challenge to stop waxing and plucking their facial hair for a month.

These women bitched and complained about their hairy faces but I couldn’t see anything on the video. They looked just as beautiful as they had in the beginning.

It was then that I realized that many women are COMPULSIVE about facial hair.

For someone who lets her eyebrows go LONG PAST THE PLUCKING POINT, I can say with true abandon that I am not one of these compulsive women.

I also forget to shave my legs but that’s beside the point.

The truth is, I don’t remember being obsessed with facial hair as a teenager.

I don’t even remember HAVING facial hair.

But somewhere between 15 and 43, I managed to grow a beardlette.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a “beard beard.”

My face just gets blond fuzz on it.

It’s genetic, I think.

There’s some Portuguese in me and I attribute all my peach fuzz to my Portuguese heritage.

On account of I’m pretty sure it’s not from the Nordic side of things.

In addition to having a fuzzy face, I also have one long wiry stray hair that grows out of the right corner of my chin.

Definitely NOT SEXY.

I pluck that motherfucker like nobody’s business!

It’s the most satisfying pluck on my whole body.

I play with it for a while after I pluck it – poking it with my finger, feeling how stiff and rigid it feels.

Getting old sucks.

However, it’s better than the alternative, no?

So I’ll just shut up about the whole thing and admit that I have an ace up my sleeve.

I may be hairy but there’s always wax!

Do beards make men sexier?

Do beards make men sexier?

I’ll cut to the chase and just say HELL YES!

Don’t get me wrong. I like a clean shaven face as much as the next person.

They’re soft and nice to rub up against.

But there’s something about a bearded man that I just find wildly attractive.

My ex husband looked great with a goatee. I can attribute several years of my marriage to my attraction for him with a goatee.

He still looks great with one to this day – even with a dash of salt thrown in (he is approaching 50).

My dad was notorious for growing a 5 o’clock shadow. He is Middle Eastern, after all.

I remember hugging him as a child and having all those prickly hairs poke my cheeks.

How I screamed and giggled!

He’d rub his cheeks on mine until my cheeks were pink from the light abrasion.

My love of facial hair, I am sure, has everything to do with my father’s 5 o’clock shadow.

Check out the 4 men below – Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Gerard Butler. All sexy men in their own right.

stubble-no1 stubble-no2
stubble-no4

 Now check them out with beards. Even sexier, no?

stubble2
stubble3 stubble4

 There’s just something so rough and tumble about a man with facial hair. Something so inherently masculine and sexy that I find myself helpless to resist.

Of course, I do have a “Lumberjack Complex” so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Maybe some women like their men clean shaven.

But they would be wrong.

P.S. Incidentally, my baby brother Art takes the cake as far as lumberjack beards go. I’ve just got to post a pic here of me with him so you can see what a phenomenal beard he has grown. OMG!

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Tattoos and facial hair, a great combination

beard4Lately, I’ve had a flight of younger men contacting me, Some as young as 27. I’ve also had a bunch of tattooed and bearded men reach out to me. And boy, I just can’t get enough of them.

35 and bearded? With tattoos? Yes, please!

39 with tattoos and a beard? I’ll take seconds.

The truth is I love a man with tattoos and I love a man with facial hair. Throw them together and as long as he’s not as old as ZZ Top, you’ve got a great combination.

Nothing draws attention to manly biceps like a sleeve tattoo… or any tattoo for that matter. It just gives me an excuse to stare at his bicep. The color and design just pull me in. I love hearing a man has tattoos. I can’t wait to see them with his shirt off.

And men with facial hair are super sexy. I love a good growth of scruff all the way on up to a full beard. They’re just so sexy. They scream “KISS MY LIPS!” and make you want to do it over and over again. I love a good scratch to my face by his beard. It doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s a reminder that we kissed.

So can you imagine when you throw these two together, you get a man with serious orgasmic potential. You’ve got the tattoos to tempt you to see more of him naked and you’ve got the beard adding that extra friction we all love.

Color me happy because I’m in heaven.

Facial Hair – bring it on or trim it off?

As a woman, I can speak with authority about this topic.  I’ve dated men who were clean shaven, ones with goatees, one’s with beards, and ones with full-on-mountain-man beards.

I find a goatee wildly appealing, even if it’s become trendy.  There’s something about going in for a smooch and getting a little of the rough stuff on you that reminds me I’m kissing a sexy man.

Great Goatee!

Great Goatee!

And beards, when properly maintained, are even sexier.  My last boyfriend had a full beard and I loved how my lips would tingle after kissing him.  Lotsa hair to scratch at you and make you feel roughed up a bit.

Great Beard!

Great Beard!

VERY bad beard!

VERY bad beard!

But please, for God’s sake gentlemen, do not experiment with your facial hair and do something crazy, like give yourself an amish beard or something equally ugly.

Ugly amish beard

Ugly amish beard

Ugly old amish beard

Ugly old amish beard

So.. facial hair – bring it on or trim it off?
I say BRING IT ON!  Then come over and kiss me 😉

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