This post is hard to write

This post is hard to write on account of it hits a little too close to home.

Just a little too much truth in it.

So.

I ordered three pairs of high-waisted bikini bottoms from the UK in order to wear them to Burning Man.

Nice, right?

Well, they arrived and I opened up the package, pulled out the bikini bottoms, and discovered. . .

. . . that they were absolutely MASSIVE.

We’re talking HUGE knickers here.

I thought, “there’s NO WAY those will fit me!”

The bad news is: they fit.

The good news is: just barely.

Yeah, I’m one skipped breakfast away from having those bikini bottoms drop to the floor.

Nevertheless, this whole experience gave me pause.

For the first time in a long time, I felt unattractively fat.

Now.

I know I’m a thick girl and that some men find thick sexy.

And that some men don’t.

I’ve always been okay with my curves.

But to feel unattractive?

Well that just isn’t going to fly with me.

Does anyone look good in a poncho?

I’ve been eyeballing ponchos on the internet lately.

They look so cozy and warm and with the change in the weather here in California (it’s dropped below 60 degrees!), there’s been a chill in the air I’ve had to fight off.

Of course, the models on Pinterest all look very sexy in their oversized, bulky ponchos.

poncho1Despite the fact that they are wearing a blanket for a top, they manage to look svelte and slim.

Probably because they have a nice pair of twiggy legs sticking out from under the poncho.

Now, although I am tall, I do not have a pair of twiggy legs to go with my poncho.

I have thick thighs.

The risk factor for me looking like a woman wearing a Christmas tree skirt for a sweater is HIGH!

DESPITE the fact that I KNEW wearing a blanket for a shirt would probably make me look like Jabba the Hut, I went ahead and bought one.

screen-shot-2016-11-28-at-11-53-22-amI’ve decided WHO THE HELL CARES?!

I wear what I want to wear, thick thighs and all.

Maybe my poncho will make me look like an apple with tree trunks for legs, but I’ll tell you something. . .

That apple is going to be nice and toasty warm.

So there!

poncho2

Unloveable

This post has been a long time coming.

I’ve been putting it off and putting it off.

But after SoulFire?  No more.

First, I got this picture sent to me that I took at SoulFire:

0057v-PUBThen I found this one on the SoulFire photographer’s website:

IMG_9831And I have to say, I was SHOCKED at my appearance.

I didn’t recognize myself.

I literally did double and triple takes.

And now I’m quite certain that the reason why I am so incredibly, definitively single is because I happen to also be incredibly, definitively FAT.

There, I said it.

I can’t stand to look at myself.

I want to take a Sharpie and write “UGLY” on my forehead.

Deep breath.

I know I shouldn’t post this.  I’m scared of the reactions I’m going to get from people who read this blog.

They’ve been reading unblunder thinking I’m pretty because I post only flattering pictures of myself.

Well, it’s just not so.

I’m FAT.

Horribly, unforgivably, unloveably FAT.