Giving up sex

So here’s The Deal.

I’m giving up sex for 3 months.

That means three months of no sex, not even a teeny little bit.

Not even the kind that doesn’t “count.”

This means I have to be celibate until January 7, 2018.

Now, there is one exception to this rule:

The Swede.

IF The Swede comes to visit, then my vow of abstinence goes on hiatus.

I rationalize it like this – The Swede happens to be the one HEALTHY friendship I have and therefore shouldn’t be included in my vow of abstinence, which is supposed to weed out the dirty boys and rebels.

I told Tejas about my vow and he just laughed and laughed.

Then he thought about how much bitching he will have to listen to and he STOPPED LAUGHING.

Personally, I think the biggest challenge for me isn’t going to be giving up sex.

No.

It’s going to be giving up the sexting and flirting that goes with it.

Because for me, flirting leads to sexting leads to sex IRL.

So we’re gonna have none of that.

Do you think I will survive?

Bad at Flirting

There are lots of things I’m no good at.

Burpees, for one.

Twerking, for another.

Also I can’t dance worth a damn (but I still try).

And my Swedish is atrocious.

Nevertheless, when I need to call on those skills, I do my best to do my best.

What saves me is my great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself.

This last burn, I was told by some wise guy that I am “BAD AT FLIRTING.”

Like one of the worst he’d ever seen.

I was a bit surprised but quickly replied that my intention was to seduce him with my AWKWARDNESS.

He remained unimpressed.

It is a little known fact that I am a relatively shy person who PRETENDS to be vivacious and outgoing.

I am not though.

And it shows through whenever I have a crush.

The bigger the crush, the more mute I become.

It’s as if the more invested I am in the outcome, the more subtle I am.

Also?

I seldom come across men I am strongly attracted to so when it happens, I’m a little bit off-balance.

But, I’ve always enjoyed that feeling.

And crushing on the wise guy was no exception.

In the end, I got my man.

But I have to admit, my ego took a little bruising in the process.

I am lovely exactly as I am, awkward flirting skills and all.

It just takes a real wise man to see that.

A Steady Diet of Kisses

When you’ve been single for a while, flirting comes as easily as breathing.

Breathe in.

Plant a kiss on your favorite single guy.

Breathe out.

So imagine me at unSCruz, trying to not flirt because I was there with The Swede.

All those delicious men who flirt back with me and make me feel sexy and appealing. . .

. . .they were off limits.

I’ve gotten in the habit of kissing as many people as possible.

It’s a hard habit to break and fortunately, given that The Swede has a more European view of things, I didn’t have to.

I went around kissing all my friends – male, female, trans, bi, gay, furry – you name it, I was kissing it.

Of course, the best kisser in the whole bunch was The Swede.

He would grab me and kiss me, just because.

Or say something provocative and then plant one on me.

For someone who is usually starving for affection, I got a steady diet of it during unSCruz.

So much so that I know it’s going to be hard for me to go without it.

The Swede leaves for Sweden today.

And I am going to miss him.

 

 

Bad at Flirting

I don’t intentionally set out to be BAD AT FLIRTING.

It just turns out that way.

I’m actually quite shy when it comes to being around people I have an attraction for.

I play it cool.

No sense letting on that I’d like them to stuff me like a Christmas stocking.

Usually someone else has to make the first move.

And then I unleash myself.

Beware of the beast!

I have been known to:

  1. Shove my naked crotch in a man’s face.
  2. Tell a guy that having sex with him is on my bucket list.
  3. Years ago I told a guy I was going to go home and masturbate while thinking of him.
  4. I showed up on a doorstep in nothing but a long jacket, garter belt and stockings.
  5. I once told a guy I was going to hit on him and then proceeded to hit on him.
  6. Don’t get me started on all the XXX rated pictures I’ve sent through text. . .

Subtle, I am not.

I don’t know how a shy person evolved such an outrageous way to flirt, but it’s the honest truth.

I’m either totally shy or I’m bombing you with my lust.

There’s a reason my playa name is Bombshell.

Week 1 of NO INTERNET DATING

It’s been 1 week since I deleted all my internet dating apps off my phone – bye bye Tinder, OKC, and POF.

IMG_9917I feel pretty good about my decision so far even though I have a lot of free evenings.

I did get drunk and flirt with my sister’s ex boyfriend from high school, however.

I believe our conversation had something to do with me, a magic wand, and a rambling man.

He was less than outstanding in the sexting department but WAY OFF THE CHARTS when it comes to INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION!

You can’t expect me to TOTALLY give up on men.

A little flirt is good.

Well, actually I’m not giving up on men at all.

I’m just giving up on the ENDLESS REVOLVING DOOR STYLE OF DATING which lacks connection.

I feel a little bit like a furloughed criminal, getting a chance to experience life on the outside.

It’s been so long since I went without using internet dating apps, I have no idea what to expect now that I’ve eliminated it from my life.

Here is my survival plan:

  1. Hang out with friends and family
  2. Network
  3. Agree to go out on blind dates
  4. Hit the gym
  5. Use my magic wand
  6. Go out on dates
  7. Be open minded
  8. Continue to have adventures
  9. Don’t be afraid to go solo
  10. If all else fails, sext

And there you have it, my single gals approach to shunning internet dating to live in the real world.

How long do you think I’ll survive?

Flirting with The Aussie

It goes a little something like this:

Me:

Him:  Nice picture!

Me:

Him:  That is teasing…

Me:  THIS is teasing…

Him:  Oh my…….Stop teasing and come play!! I am very good with my tongue..

Me:

Him:  We should play!

Me:

Him:  I just find you so damn sexy and want you bad!

And just like that, I’ve found someone to flirt with and sext with tonight 🙂

Flirting with Tejas

So I finished my OM with The Maestro feeling energized and horny.

Time to flirt with Tejas.

Of course, you all know my penchant for sexting, so I sent him a few fun pictures.

And boy! did he respond!

Let the flirtation commence.  It’s one thing I look for in potential partners… the creativity and strength to hold their own in a sext with me and not just react to what I’m doing.

Yes, sexting for me is a delicate balance of colorful commentary on what’s being shared and the creative introduction of new material.

Tejas introduced new material.

Let’s just say that Tejas is barrel chested.  I mean big.  He’s quite the lumberjack, but he cut his head off in the photos (sad face).

I maybe saw a little bit more of Tejas than his chest, but I’ll never admit it because I’m nothing if not discreet on this blog.

Kidding!

This blog is the opposite of discreet.

It’s kiss and tell.

So what can I kiss and tell about Tejas.

I’ll stick with what I said earlier…

…BIG.

Yes, I’m single. No I’m not going to manhandle your boyfriend

Something weird is going on lately when I’m around relationship girls. They’re awkward, there’s lots of side-eye. I feel horrible even trying to make conversation with their men. I can’t be the only one who notices this. Am I?

Lately, relationship girls protect the territory of their boyfriends from me and my single girlfriends as if we are poised to attack. When did single women become birds of prey? Are we not just people like everyone else?

Here’s why those of you who are partnered up shouldn’t fear us single women. Personally, I’d love to be friends with relationship girls. I like to be friends with other women. I think you can measure the satisfaction in a woman’s life by the closeness of her female friendships. I want to be seen as a potential friend, rather than a boyfriend poacher.

Here are a few things to remember:

  1. He likes you. He maybe even loves you. He’s with you because he wants to be with you. And if you feel insecure about that, that is a problem with your relationship, not a problem with me.
  2. I like you. I always presume that when I meet a new woman we will be friends. It’s because I approach life from a place of positivity. Because I like you, I’m not going to do anything bad to you, like steal your boyfriend. I’m not going to flirt, grab, or otherwise manhandle your boyfriend. It’s un-sisterly and brings bad karma.
  3. Talking and flirting are NOT the same thing. Being single doesn’t mean I can’t carry on a conversation with a heterosexual male. And having a conversation with one doesn’t mean I’m interested. Please understand this.
  4. I’m a person too. Sometimes I feel like I’m seen as an incomplete person. As if being single and not having a man in my life means that I’m not whole yet. I have all my parts, thank you. Nothing is missing. I’m really just a person, not a wild animal that’s will pursue any man she sees. We’re not coyotes.
  5. I do have one ulterior motive. I want to meet your boyfriend’s single friends. How sneaky is that? I must be the devil.

So there you have it. 5 reasons to not worry about me talking to your boyfriend and actually enjoying my friendship and trusting in my commitment to being an ethical, trustworthy individual.

Flirting with the Aussie

It goes a little something like this:

Me:

Him:  Nice picture!

Me:

Him:  That is teasing…

Me:  THIS is teasing…

Him:  Oh my…….Stop teasing and come play!! I am very good with my tongue..

Me:

Him:  We should play!

Me:

Him:  I just find you so damn sexy and want you bad!

And just like that, I’ve found someone to flirt with and sext with tonight 🙂

Flirting

imageI’ve met many women who say they don’t know how to flirt.  In fact, my friend Andy is so adamant that I teach her how to flirt, I actually googled the topic.  And there’s a lot of material out there.  But this is a list I really like.

Here are ways you can signal that you are interested (from Evan Marc Katz):

1. Smiling at him broadly
2. Throwing him a short, darting glance
3. Dancing alone to the music
4. Looking straight at him and flipping hair
5. Keeping a fixed gaze on him
6. Looking at him, tossing head, then looking back
7. “Accidently” brushing up against him
8. Nodding at him
9. Pointing to a chair and inviting him to sit
10. Tilting head and touching exposed neck
11. Licking lips during eye contact
12. Primping while keeping eye contact
13. Parading close with exaggerated hip movement
14. Asking for his help with something
15. Tapping something to get his attention
16. Patting his buttocks

Some of these things – such as #16, #11 and #7 sound like your signalling readiness to mate. Holy cow! Can I really pat a man’s buttocks without bursting into laughter? Or worse yet, getting that naughty look on my face? I think not.

Here are MY tips for flirting:

1. Make eye contact
2. Smile
3. Play with your hair
4. Start a conversation

In any case, I signed up with an adventure group to hike Point Reyes on Saturday – it’s a nice easy 11 mile hike with a 1,400 foot change in elevation. So I will get the opportunity to try out some of these techniques while sweating profusely and huffing and puffing up the mountain.

Perfect.

And then I clean up to go to a dinner party at a coworker’s house Saturday night. Word of my single-ness has spread fast and the set-ups are beginning already. And on Sunday I am going for a bike ride down the Embarcadero with my friend Michelle. My first thought is that me riding a bike in SF sounds like a good way to get killed. But doing anything with Michelle is always tons of fun and I am sure we will have a grand adventure in the city on Sunday.

Wish me luck!