That time I landed a lumberjack

Once upon time, I had a HUGE crush.

He was a lumberjack.

With a beard.

And a voice like he gargled with glass.

When he’d say my name (Bombshell), he’d say it with gravitas.

He flirted with me and (of course) I did my best to flirt back.

We all know that although I enjoy flirting, I’m not always the best at it.

Sometimes I’m awkward.

Other times I’m way too subtle.

But in this case, I managed to convey my interest by simply staring at his mouth and fantasizing about kissing him.

He literally stopped right in the middle of the conversation he was having to kiss me.

Success!

And boy, what a kiss it was.

Pretty soon we were all over each other, making out and groping one another.

It’s not every day that a fantasy comes true for me, but this time around it did.

I got my lumberjack.

And yes, it was everything I expected and a little bit of the unexpected.

I got to knock an item off my sexual bucket list that night.

Guess what it was?

Flirt

He told me I sucked at flirting, and boy was he right.

I’m terrible at flirting.

Honestly, I’m one of those people who (unless it’s totally obvious my love interest is also interested in me) basically tries to ignore my potential mate.

Feeling attracted to someone brings a flush of emotions – turn on being the most notable among them.

And it feels SO GOOD!

But there’s also notably FEAR.

Yes, I get scared.

Is he going to flirt with me?  Does he like me?  Should I flirt with him first?

So let’s get back to the guy who told me I sucked at flirting.

Two years ago, in a bar at Burning Man – a place basically CREATED with hookups in mind – and I’m trying desperately to get the attention of a charismatic older man.

Sure enough my attempts to flirt are bombing.

It probably would have been better if I hadn’t sent my friend in to find out more details about him – a textbook 6th grade flirting technique.

So then I became BOLD.

I stared at his lips.

I smiled at him and played with my hair.

And sure enough, he let me kiss him.

So it’s not like I TOTALLY BOMBED at flirting.

But I’d say that a 6th grade approach to flirting is a LITTLE outdated and should be abandoned for a more appropriate and mature approach.

So I mustered up all my courage and. . .

I invited him to my RV.

Yup. I sure did.

It’s a steep learning curve, but I eventually will get it.

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I should never meet men when I’m ovulating.

As you may know, I don’t use birth control for two reasons:

  1. It turns me into an emotional, crying basket case
  2. I enjoy the rush of hormones when I ovulate

For one week out of the month, I take a little ride on my roller coaster of hormones and IT’S DAMN FUN!

Oh, don’t worry.

I haven’t done anything.

I’ve been really good.

But the sexting thing?

It’s back in FULL FORCE.

Because the next best thing to getting laid is to talk about getting laid.

And I am helpless to stop myself ones the hormones take hold of me.

Before I know it, I’m breathlessly texting a friend.

Sending provocative pictures.

The other day, as I was sexting, I realized how much I like it.

How it’s part of the flirt for me.

Part of the chase.

Can he keep my attention without being too overt?

Will he say something too graphic and turn me off?

Can we keep the momentum going or will we lose interest?

Lately it’s been a string of good sexts.

So I have nothing to complain about and everything to celebrate.

Another successful hormone run through the streets of Michelle’s libido!

Giving up sex

So here’s The Deal.

I’m giving up sex for 3 months.

That means three months of no sex, not even a teeny little bit.

Not even the kind that doesn’t “count.”

This means I have to be celibate until January 7, 2018.

Now, there is one exception to this rule:

The Swede.

IF The Swede comes to visit, then my vow of abstinence goes on hiatus.

I rationalize it like this – The Swede happens to be the one HEALTHY friendship I have and therefore shouldn’t be included in my vow of abstinence, which is supposed to weed out the dirty boys and rebels.

I told Tejas about my vow and he just laughed and laughed.

Then he thought about how much bitching he will have to listen to and he STOPPED LAUGHING.

Personally, I think the biggest challenge for me isn’t going to be giving up sex.

No.

It’s going to be giving up the sexting and flirting that goes with it.

Because for me, flirting leads to sexting leads to sex IRL.

So we’re gonna have none of that.

Do you think I will survive?

Bad at Flirting

There are lots of things I’m no good at.

Burpees, for one.

Twerking, for another.

Also I can’t dance worth a damn (but I still try).

And my Swedish is atrocious.

Nevertheless, when I need to call on those skills, I do my best to do my best.

What saves me is my great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself.

This last burn, I was told by some wise guy that I am “BAD AT FLIRTING.”

Like one of the worst he’d ever seen.

I was a bit surprised but quickly replied that my intention was to seduce him with my AWKWARDNESS.

He remained unimpressed.

It is a little known fact that I am a relatively shy person who PRETENDS to be vivacious and outgoing.

I am not though.

And it shows through whenever I have a crush.

The bigger the crush, the more mute I become.

It’s as if the more invested I am in the outcome, the more subtle I am.

Also?

I seldom come across men I am strongly attracted to so when it happens, I’m a little bit off-balance.

But, I’ve always enjoyed that feeling.

And crushing on the wise guy was no exception.

In the end, I got my man.

But I have to admit, my ego took a little bruising in the process.

I am lovely exactly as I am, awkward flirting skills and all.

It just takes a real wise man to see that.

A Steady Diet of Kisses

When you’ve been single for a while, flirting comes as easily as breathing.

Breathe in.

Plant a kiss on your favorite single guy.

Breathe out.

So imagine me at unSCruz, trying to not flirt because I was there with The Swede.

All those delicious men who flirt back with me and make me feel sexy and appealing. . .

. . .they were off limits.

I’ve gotten in the habit of kissing as many people as possible.

It’s a hard habit to break and fortunately, given that The Swede has a more European view of things, I didn’t have to.

I went around kissing all my friends – male, female, trans, bi, gay, furry – you name it, I was kissing it.

Of course, the best kisser in the whole bunch was The Swede.

He would grab me and kiss me, just because.

Or say something provocative and then plant one on me.

For someone who is usually starving for affection, I got a steady diet of it during unSCruz.

So much so that I know it’s going to be hard for me to go without it.

The Swede leaves for Sweden today.

And I am going to miss him.

 

 

Bad at Flirting

I don’t intentionally set out to be BAD AT FLIRTING.

It just turns out that way.

I’m actually quite shy when it comes to being around people I have an attraction for.

I play it cool.

No sense letting on that I’d like them to stuff me like a Christmas stocking.

Usually someone else has to make the first move.

And then I unleash myself.

Beware of the beast!

I have been known to:

  1. Shove my naked crotch in a man’s face.
  2. Tell a guy that having sex with him is on my bucket list.
  3. Years ago I told a guy I was going to go home and masturbate while thinking of him.
  4. I showed up on a doorstep in nothing but a long jacket, garter belt and stockings.
  5. I once told a guy I was going to hit on him and then proceeded to hit on him.
  6. Don’t get me started on all the XXX rated pictures I’ve sent through text. . .

Subtle, I am not.

I don’t know how a shy person evolved such an outrageous way to flirt, but it’s the honest truth.

I’m either totally shy or I’m bombing you with my lust.

There’s a reason my playa name is Bombshell.

Week 1 of NO INTERNET DATING

It’s been 1 week since I deleted all my internet dating apps off my phone – bye bye Tinder, OKC, and POF.

IMG_9917I feel pretty good about my decision so far even though I have a lot of free evenings.

I did get drunk and flirt with my sister’s ex boyfriend from high school, however.

I believe our conversation had something to do with me, a magic wand, and a rambling man.

He was less than outstanding in the sexting department but WAY OFF THE CHARTS when it comes to INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION!

You can’t expect me to TOTALLY give up on men.

A little flirt is good.

Well, actually I’m not giving up on men at all.

I’m just giving up on the ENDLESS REVOLVING DOOR STYLE OF DATING which lacks connection.

I feel a little bit like a furloughed criminal, getting a chance to experience life on the outside.

It’s been so long since I went without using internet dating apps, I have no idea what to expect now that I’ve eliminated it from my life.

Here is my survival plan:

  1. Hang out with friends and family
  2. Network
  3. Agree to go out on blind dates
  4. Hit the gym
  5. Use my magic wand
  6. Go out on dates
  7. Be open minded
  8. Continue to have adventures
  9. Don’t be afraid to go solo
  10. If all else fails, sext

And there you have it, my single gals approach to shunning internet dating to live in the real world.

How long do you think I’ll survive?

Flirting with The Aussie

It goes a little something like this:

Me:

Him:  Nice picture!

Me:

Him:  That is teasing…

Me:  THIS is teasing…

Him:  Oh my…….Stop teasing and come play!! I am very good with my tongue..

Me:

Him:  We should play!

Me:

Him:  I just find you so damn sexy and want you bad!

And just like that, I’ve found someone to flirt with and sext with tonight 🙂

Flirting with Tejas

So I finished my OM with The Maestro feeling energized and horny.

Time to flirt with Tejas.

Of course, you all know my penchant for sexting, so I sent him a few fun pictures.

And boy! did he respond!

Let the flirtation commence.  It’s one thing I look for in potential partners… the creativity and strength to hold their own in a sext with me and not just react to what I’m doing.

Yes, sexting for me is a delicate balance of colorful commentary on what’s being shared and the creative introduction of new material.

Tejas introduced new material.

Let’s just say that Tejas is barrel chested.  I mean big.  He’s quite the lumberjack, but he cut his head off in the photos (sad face).

I maybe saw a little bit more of Tejas than his chest, but I’ll never admit it because I’m nothing if not discreet on this blog.

Kidding!

This blog is the opposite of discreet.

It’s kiss and tell.

So what can I kiss and tell about Tejas.

I’ll stick with what I said earlier…

…BIG.