Not so fast, etsy

Honestly.

You do ONE SEARCH for a flower crown and suddenly etsy thinks you’re a BRIDE-TO-BE.

Not so, etsy.

Sorry to disappoint but there are no impending nuptials.

Honestly, I’ve always liked the feature in etsy which recommends products for you.

Most of the time, they get it RIGHT.

But occasionally, they get it really, REALLY wrong.

Like the time I bought a spiked leather collar for a dominatrix costume.

Nevermind if dominatrixes don’t wear collars.

This one looked mean and no one could come near me in it for fear of getting spiked!

Well, after I bought that collar, etsy sent me a shit ton of BDSM gear on their site.

Who knew etsy was such a resource for the alternative community?

Then, there was the time I bought statement earrings on etsy.

Big, pendulous and eye-catching, they were exactly what I needed.

Etsy thought I was a black woman and proceeded to advertise tribal prints, statement necklaces, and hair care products to me.

This time around, I searched for a flower crown to wear in Florida.

Sure enough, I found one.

But now etsy thinks I’m getting MARRIED!

If anything, I’m further away from taking vows than I was when I first got divorced.

Not for me, etsy.

Not for me.

Exhibitionist

I’ve been having SUCH A HARD TIME finding a yellow sundress.

The first dress I chose was X-rated.

All boob, no coverage.

The second dress I chose turned out to be WAY TOO BIG ON ME.

I was literally falling out of the top.

These boobs, man. . . they’re just determined to display themselves.

They’re such EXHIBITIONISTS!

I think I’ve finally found a dress that will work.

Mind you, all this is because I bought a yellow floral headband that I want to wear and I need a dress to go with it.

Now that I have PILES OF DRESSES to return to the store, it’s finally dawned on me – the purpose of shopping in a store in the first place.

To avoid fiascos like the one I’m facing.

Still, it’s nice to shop online and be able to hit Macys, Nordstrom, and a plethora of other shops all while one reclines in bed eating peanuts.

Yes, that really happens!

Roar

I’m working on a new Burning Man outfit, loosely inspired by THIS image:

I LOVE the large, colorful graphic sphinx swimsuit and literally SCOURED THE INTERNET looking for a similar lion swimsuit.

This was as close as I came, but sadly was years old and therefore sold out in all sizes.

I happened upon several swimsuits on Wish.com but we’ve already established how well Chinese clothes fit me (not at all).

So I was THRILLED when I finally stumbled across THIS lovely and colorful swimsuit on Poshmark in my size.

Throw on a pair of fishnet tights and my lovely black boots:

And you ALMOST have a completed look.

It needs something on top.

I’m thinking, given all the colors in the suit, that a flower crown will look nice and jungle appropriate out there on the playa:

And voilà!

One lion outfit done and ready to go to Burning Man.

P.S. Don’t forget, the WHOLE reason I am working with swimsuits is that I am trying to minimize my packing while maximizing clothing options.

If I can work up the courage to wear these outfits on the playa.

We shall see. . .