Steel Knickers

This could be TMI but I’m gonna go there.

I’ve had no below-the-belt action since 2018.

Now, in a way this is a good thing.

I don’t have to shave my legs.

I don’t have to wax.

I don’t even blow dry my hair anymore.

Personal maintenance is at an all-time low (although the makeup routine is strong and steady).

There’s such little action that I am considering steel knickers.

Cement panties?

I mean, what’s the point of fancy lingerie when no one sees it?

The other day, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to my desk.

I have to admit, I got a little excited when I saw them.

Maybe a man sent them to me?

But no, it was no man.

Just a colleague.

My initial reaction reminded me of the fact that I do want to have a relationship.

Despite being pretty comfortable with my single status.

Isn’t life better with someone to love?

Of course it is.

The little (and I mean TINY) romantic in me is just waiting to love someone up.

The truculent bitch in me is saying, “So what?  Who needs a man?”

Well, duh.

Me.

Survival

I survived 10 events in 10 days, but it wasn’t pretty.

I was so stressed out, I called my doctor and got a prescription for anxiety medication.

Yes, I’m one of those people.

The kind of person who checks and triple checks her orders before an event only to stress out because I’m sure something is going to fall through.

Like the linens.

I forgot to order linens because I thought that the tables I rented were finished.

Not so!

So the day before my event I was desperately calling party rental places trying to find 75 black linens.

Do you want to know how much it costs to rent 75 black linens for 3 days?

$1,400.

Yup.

That’s how big my event was.

We had 962 attendees.

It was IN-SANE!

Now that it’s over, my stress is slowly diminishing, although I’m certainly far from feeling normal.

I feel proud of myself for reaching out to my doctor and my family and friends when my mental health started to deteriorate.

It’s not easy to admit when you need help.

Anxiety can cripple a person, and when you’re dealing with 962 people, each of whom has a million questions and requests of you, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

But I made it.

And this morning, I got this:

They love me.

They really love me.

 

P.S.  I was hoping they were from a man, but alas they’re just from colleagues.

Need to improve your sex life?

1.  Toys (THIS is my newest favorite)

2.  Costumes (THIS is a popular choice as is THIS)

3.  Role Play

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4.  Get naughty in public – let your hands wander, make out, have fun!

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5.  Watch sexy movies (suggestions HERE)

6.  Watch porn together (try Candida Royalle or Dane Jones if you want more couples-friendly porn).

4906236a5e4c319bbd0d22d32c882ac27.  New lingerie (LINK)

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8.  Date night!  Do something fun together.  Plan to get lucky when you go home.

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9.  Be romantic.  Flowers and champagne go a long way….

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10.  Share fantasies.  Don’t know how?  Read THIS guide.

11.  Yoga.  Especially when naked 😉 [LINK]

12.  Take a shower together.  I recommend doing this on a regular basis!

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13.  Do it every day for a week.  Reacclimate your body to your standards of yesteryear.

14.  Try OMing.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE.

15.  Go to a NAKED SPA and relax in your birthday suit.  If you can’t do that rent a PRIVATE HOT TUB ROOM and have fun.

16.  Take a mini vacation/road trip to someplace nice.  Pretend you’re hooking up with a stranger in your hotel room and enjoy yourselves.

17.  Try different sexual positions.

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18.  Read erotica to eachother. [LINK]

19.  Wine.  ‘Nuff said.

20.  Get some good lube.  This SH*T is awesome.  Buy a gallon of it.

21.  Try a little D/S.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE for the lite version (what is popular right now) or read THIS for the more advanced.

What I learned by having sex on the first date

imageI was 30+ years old before I had my first one night stand (ONS).  His name was Lex. Lex was a sexy, dark haired pilot with a penchant for Hispanic women but somehow he wound up with me – the most Nordic looking! ethnically-challenged woman on the planet.

I went out on our date like I go out on all my dates… thinking nothing’s going to happen.

Except…

…Lex was perfect in every way. So even though I knew we weren’t right for each other, I found myself going home with him.

What I learned from my ONS:

1.  Sometimes a guy can just get everything right (car doors, flowers, chivalry, etc.) and this greatly increases my libido.

2.  If there’s chemistry flowers, while nice, are totally unnecessary but helpful in getting laid.

3.  Don’t laugh at the satin cheetah print sheets. Just don’t.

4.  Warn a guy before you put your pinky finger in his _____.

5.  Even ONSs can be satisfying.

Happy Singles Awareness Day

Valentine’s Day (aka Singles Awareness Day) sucks for us single people.  All day long, people have been asking me my plans for Valentine’s Day.  You wanna know what my plans are?  I’m going to go home and masterbate after drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself while watching “The Notebook” and crying because that movie is just so damned romantic.  And I’m going to try really hard not to think of Edward out on a date falling in love with another woman. And when I fail to do that I will just go to bed early to give myself some relief for the sadness.

Anything and everything is romantic on Valentine’s Day.  And I get to hear about all of it in vivid detail on Facebook.  In sickeningly sweet romantic detail.

“My wife is too perfect for words…”

“He showed up with his hands full of beautiful long stem roses…”

Oh gag! Gag! GAG!

The most genuinely romantic thing I saw on Facebook for Valentine’s Day is my step-sister’s post.  She just had baby #2 the day before Valentine’s Day and she posted “Family is what happens when two people fall in love.”

So no, I’m not completely bitter about Valentine’s Day.  In fact, I’m celebrating the fact that I have a date tomorrow.  At a fancy restaurant in Los Gatos.  LOL  Oh history, you do repeat yourself don’t you?

I’m not saturated with bitterness, but if I was it might be because I just got an email from a guy complimenting my rack.  This is how he introduced himself to me.  Yes, these are the men who are single and available to us single ladies. And now you know why I’m still single – the dating pool out there is a little inbred, inebriated and inept.  I can’t imagine why he’s single, can you?  But he’s sure as hell right about my rack 😉

Bitterness is personified by my sister who wrote on Facebook “I don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s. Or work. Or anything. I need chocolate.”  Touche Lisa.  She even added this lovely image to solidify her stance on V-Day:

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She’ll likely feel better when she gets the flowers, teddy bear and chocolate my boys and I sent her.  The day will definitely improve for her then.  Because in the end, all we really want on Valentine’s Day is to feel special… to have someone, anyone do a little something to make our day brighter.  Make us feel cared for.

Sure, I’d love to go home and have someone sexy to hug, share a romantic meal with, and go mattress dancing with, but that’s ignoring the fact that I have two teenage boys who love me who will probably give me a hug when I get home then ignore me the rest of the night while they play video games and I watch a sappy romantic movie while drinking aforementioned bottle of champagne.  I’ll likely contact some of my flirty friends and swap sexy texts.

Then I’ll fall asleep, drunk on champagne bubbles and wake up with a headache ready to relight my beacon of optimism and go out on a date with Tony.  That’s exactly what I’ll do.

The post where I get a bouquet of orchids

As part of my new outlook on life, I’ve revived my Match.com profile and have begun to sift through emails and profiles.  On Saturday night, I went out with Edward and was simply blown away by his charm, generosity, and playfulness.  I had a GREAT time on our date.

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So our date wraps up late Saturday night and I wake up Sunday morning to a delivery of a bouquet of orchids.  What kind of magician can conjure up a floral bouquet that quickly, I ask you*?

*Turns out he ordered them ahead of time.  Optimism.  I like it.

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