Bad at Intimacy, Good at Insults

img_0649It probably comes as a surprise to most of you that I’ve been dating someone for over a year now.

Yes, we’ve been dating casually but not like no-strings-attached casual, more like friends-with-benefits casual.

For those of you who think I can’t do casual, THINK AGAIN.

Well, lately I’ve begun to realize how much I like him.

Like as a person he really makes me happy and I admire his creativity, dedication, and uniqueness.

I like him so much I spent the night with him.

This is something I almost NEVER do.

  1. Because I’ve slept so long by myself I have trouble sleeping with another body in bed next to mine.
  2. Because sleeping next to someone else seems so intimate, I’ve been reluctant to do it.

The morning after, we went to go get breakfast and I tried to tell him that I liked him.

This is how it came out:

“You know how I haven’t spent the night up until now and I told you it was because I don’t like my family, my boys, knowing my business? Well that’s not entirely true. I could’ve spent the night but didn’t want to. Because to me you were just a casual friends with benefits and I didn’t want the intimacy of spending the night with you. Ummmmm. . . what I’m trying to say is that I spent the night because I do like you.”


Way to blow it, chickie!

First I tell him he was just a fuck then I tell him I didn’t want to share any true intimacy with him.

Bad Michelle.

Fortunately, I think he heard through all the garbage talk to hear “I do like you” and took that to the bank.

So there you have it.

Michelle – bad at intimacy, good at insults.

Is FWB the new NSA?

michelleI’m signed up for Google Alerts.

And the only reason this has any relevance whatsoever is that one of the topics I have flagged for notifications is “friends with benefits.”

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of alerts letting me know that people are out there looking for hook ups on Craigslist and more often than not, they state they’re looking for “a continuous FWB.”

NSA is dropping off the charts.

Is it no longer fashionable to admit to wanting No Strings Attached?

Is there something favorable in looking for a Friend with Benefits situation?

Well, let’s examine.

A FWB is someone you hook up with repeatedly, over a period of time. But there’s also some element of socialization involved – beers, cocktails, meals, etc.

I think a NSA lacks that element of social activity. I think a NSA is just a hook up. Maybe it only occurs once. Maybe it happens multiple times whenever the partners need to scratch that itch. But the point is that is all that happens. Itch scratching.

I personally get a feeling of dismay when I see someone looking for a NSA.

  • Why just a NSA?
  • Is something wrong with me?
  • Do you not like me enough to hang with me for drinks?
  • I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to have a conversation with?
  • Wha?

Whereas when I hear about FWBs I think, “Oh how nice! A mutually beneficial relationship revolving around sex.”

Call me old fashioned but I like my sex to come with a little friendly repartee.

Also. . . I don’t believe that sex ever comes with no strings attached so there’s that.

Ultimately, I do have to say I appreciate the honesty of folks advertising for NSAs. I’m 100% positive they mean exactly as they say while I’m not so certain that some of those FWB folks don’t fall into the NSA category as well but don’t want to admit it.

Perhaps I over simplify.

I can’t be the only one who would prefer to be called a friend rather than a one night stand.

But that’s just me.

Hierarchy of Casual Sex

casual-sex-formalI once posted a Hierarchy of Cum Rags. LOL. That got a few laughs. Here is my Hierarchy of Casual Sex:

  1. One night stand – It doesn’t get more casual than a one night stand. These are your Tinder “dates,” your hookups, your “hit it and quit it” moments. Maybe they spend the night, maybe they don’t. The important thing here is that EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS IS FOR SHOW ONLY. No one intends to call. It’s a one night stand, after all!
  2. Booty call – Booty calls typically evolve out of one night stands.  You fucked once and enjoyed it and want to do it again.  There are no emotions involved here and no one thinks there is a potential fr anything more.  This is a relationship founded on sex.  WOO HOO!
  3. No strings attached – Ah, the casual habitual hookup with absolutely no intention of doing anything besides what you’re already doing. The difference between this and a one night stand or booty call is that a no strings attached relationship occurs over a period of time. Food may be involved.  It’s allowed.  You hook up more than once but again, it’s just for sex. No strings attached means you’re free to do as you please. NO ONE IS GOING TO ASK YOU TO MEET THEIR PARENTS AT CHRISTMAS.
  4. Fuck buddy – Ah, the beloved fuck buddy.  This is someone who you hook up with who is more of an acquaintance than a friend.  You don’t really move in the same social circles at all.  IT’S JUST SEX!
  5. Friends with benefits (FWB) – Here you have your typical no strings attached relationship except you also see each other socially. There are two kinds of FWB relationships – in the closet and outed. With in the closet FWB relationships, no one knows you’re bumping uglies. With outed FWB relationships, your friends know. Either way, these are more than one night stands and no strings attached hookups. They’re relationships. There may be food involved before the boinking (or afterwards) and there’s at least a modest amount of socializing. Either way, this is a friendly, repetitive arrangement that involves sex and friendship. The bottom line is you like each other, JUST NOT ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT A REAL RELATIONSHIP.
  6. Ex sex – Ooohh, dangerous territory. Here you have your typical failed relationship, only you still like each other enough to continue the physical part of the relationship minus the messy stuff that made the relationship fail in the first place. Only problem is, people are BAD AT COMPARTMENTALIZING. Expect problems with this one.
  7. Non-exclusive – You’re dating. You’re fucking. But no one has used the L word and technically since you haven’t had THE TALK, it’s still non-exclusive. Meaning both of you can still be seeing other people… like your FWB or a Tinder hookup.
  8. Exclusive – Maybe the L word has been used. Maybe it hasn’t. What sets this relationship apart from the others is that you are now committed to sleeping with ONLY ONE PERSON. Welcome to the world of monogamy. I’m not sure this belongs on this list since TECHNICALLY, it’s no longer CASUAL sex. But seeing as how this is a progression of casual sex, I figured I’d include it
  9. Polyamorous – JUST KIDDING! That’s a whole other blog post (that I’ll never write).

Irish Boy Toy

Irish Boy-Toy is back and is raring to go.

I have to admit, I forgot his name until just now.

He texted me out of the blue yesterday, six months after we went out.

I wrote about our date here.

He texted me:  Hi sexy how are you??

I wrote back:  Who is this?

He said:  Guess 🙂 🙂

I checked out the foreign country code and figured it must be my Irish Boy-Toy.

Me:  You’re the guy from Ireland

Him:  Correct.  I’m in by bed right now and very horny…

Of course.  Now we get down to the reason for the phone call.  He wants to sext.

But seeing as how I was off to the dentist’s, sexting would have to wait.  I sent a quick inspirational image for him to enjoy and sat back to get my teeth cleaned all the while thinking of this sexy young man in his hotel room, thinking of me.

Don’t know if I’ll hear from him again for another 6 months, but it was a fun exchange, if brief.

Bow chicka wow wow!

Sorta makes me think of Mystery Man and camming and how much I miss him.

I told Tejas about my run in with Irish Boy-Toy.

His response?

Tell him to get in line!

It prompted an interesting discussion on Friends with benefits, poly, falling in love, and letting friendships develop into something more.

He thinks I should see if my friendship (with him) could develop into something more.

And I believe I agreed to keep my mind open.

Wide open…

Ex sex or FWB… which is better?

30600042175f3a62a8c6ad1c08e2beecIs it preferable to jump back in the sack with an ex or is it better to find a friend to fuck?

Sex with an ex may be great at the onset, but it could reintroduce feelings for one of you and heartbreak may ensue again… and again… and again…

FWB may avoid that pitfall if romantic feelings never existed between the two parties. It’s just two people going bump, bump, bump in the night.

Let’s face the truth here. Whether you choose ex sex or FWB, you’re choosing a minimalist approach to getting laid. You’re not making an investment in your future, you’re living for the moment.

And what’s wrong with living for the moment? Nothing (especially if you ask a Buddhist). That’s right. You’re entitled to avoid dates and person intimacy. These things take time and you need some NOW.

If you choose ex-sex, you’re okay with revisiting and old emotional attachment. Maybe you prefer your sex with a side of romance and emotion.

If you choose FWB, perhaps you’re looking for something simpler – a little more body and a little less soul.

It’s likely , no matter what you choose, how many rules you impose, or who has the attachment, feelings will be created; hopes will be established; and you will likely have to deal with intimacy again, or all over again. But meanwhile, what a run, right?!

Friends with benefits

033af69434988fbac64cc7a4884970d6I’ll be the first one to admit that I’ve dipped into the FWB (friends with “benefits”) bucket.  It’s a guilty pleasure of mine – it seems so wrong but it feels so right.  And even if it is wrong, it’s much better than romantic and sexual celibacy.

If you google FWB, you will find a whole list of sites offering up their advice on how to make it work, what to look out for, even rules to adhere to, such as:

  1. Pick someone you wouldn’t normally date.
  2. Don’t let things get complicated.
  3. Don’t text for any reason other than sex.
  4. Don’t do sleepovers.
  5. Don’t kiss goodbye.
  6. Don’t fall in love.
  7. Go your separate ways.

Obviously, with lists of rules of engagement peppering the internet, there’s an implied complexity to these arrangements.  Are the rules there to make for the perfect FWB union or are they there to blow a horn in your face letting you know what the pitfalls are?

Someone, somewhere screwed up big time.

Here’s my personal list of rules:

  1. Have more than one FWB.
  2. Try all that stuff you were too embarrassed or afraid to try in your previous relationships.

That’s pretty much it.  Two rules. Keep more than one FWB and you won’t get overly attached to any of them. Also, take the opportunity to try out new things and expand your repertoire. Might as well do it while you have the chance.

My sister suggests that I read books – “Obsess on knowledge!”  My birthmother agrees.

But I want to study anatomy.

Sadly, no one backs me up.  My friend Jenny wrote, “FWB is a recipe for disaster. One of the participants involved will eventually want more out of the friendship & down the road, those FWB don’t usually remain friends.”

Yes, but did they enjoy studying each other’s anatomy for a while?  Cuz in my book that’s success.

It’s not meant to last forever.  Just long enough to get to where you’re going next .

And maybe that’s the takeaway here:  FWB relationships are unlikely to end well but in the meantime, they are just good fun.  When asked, “Friends with benefits….just good fun or a recipe for disaster?” my friend Mark responded, “Yes and yes.”