The most flattering picture of me in the known universe

As I creep closer to 50, I find myself struggling harder against the signs of aging.

Perhaps it’s all in vain, but I can’t help myself.

I don’t want to look old before my time.

I want to look young, and firm and smooth!

So I’m getting my melasma removed via a very irritating process known as the Spectra Laser Peel.

It feels like a little electrical ZAP! going on right next to your skin and it’s hella annoying.

And by annoying, I mean slap-your-esthetician-annoying.

I have to lay on my hands to keep myself from swatting her hands away.

In any case, they first put a black carbon solution on your face like a mask which they then ZAP! away.

The nurse left the room after applying the mask and out of curiosity, I snapped a picture of what I looked like in the carbon mask.

And, as it turns out, I took the most flattering picture of me in the known universe:

And I’m just wondering, perhaps if I put this as my online dating profile picture, I’ll get some decent dates?

Nothing is sexier than a woman laying on a table, with a carbon mask on her face, eh?

Smooth

I watched a video recently where 5 women took a challenge to stop waxing and plucking their facial hair for a month.

These women bitched and complained about their hairy faces but I couldn’t see anything on the video. They looked just as beautiful as they had in the beginning.

It was then that I realized that many women are COMPULSIVE about facial hair.

For someone who lets her eyebrows go LONG PAST THE PLUCKING POINT, I can say with true abandon that I am not one of these compulsive women.

I also forget to shave my legs but that’s beside the point.

The truth is, I don’t remember being obsessed with facial hair as a teenager.

I don’t even remember HAVING facial hair.

But somewhere between 15 and 43, I managed to grow a beardlette.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a “beard beard.”

My face just gets blond fuzz on it.

It’s genetic, I think.

There’s some Portuguese in me and I attribute all my peach fuzz to my Portuguese heritage.

On account of I’m pretty sure it’s not from the Nordic side of things.

In addition to having a fuzzy face, I also have one long wiry stray hair that grows out of the right corner of my chin.

Definitely NOT SEXY.

I pluck that motherfucker like nobody’s business!

It’s the most satisfying pluck on my whole body.

I play with it for a while after I pluck it – poking it with my finger, feeling how stiff and rigid it feels.

Getting old sucks.

However, it’s better than the alternative, no?

So I’ll just shut up about the whole thing and admit that I have an ace up my sleeve.

I may be hairy but there’s always wax!

Getting old SUX!

I’ll admit it, I was smug.

Growing up, I always had great skin.

No pimples. No breakouts.

Not even as a teenager.

But then I got older.

First, I got wrinkles.

None around my eyes, though I’m sure those are on their way.

But on my forehead and between my eyebrows.

Bring on the BOTOX!

Taken care of.

And all that sun damage from living in California?

Yeah, that showed up too.

All those times I slathered up with BABY OIL and hit the pool with NOT A STITCH OF SUNSCREEN ON AT ALL?

Finally caught up to me.

So I saw my dermatologist and had my sun damage removed, courtesy of 6+ FotoFacial sessions (a tidy little $1K investment).

Whew! Sun damage gone. What a relief!

Then I developed melasma on my forehead.

Courtesy of having babies (it’s also known as the pregnancy mask).

Not so easy to get rid of.

So at age 42, I finally started wearing foundation to cover up my melasma.

And then. . .

AND THEN. . .

My hormones have hit the skids as I experience the beginning of menopause.

And HOLY HELL, the acne is SOMETHING STRIAGHT OUT OF HELL!

Large, red, angry, deep below the surface, sporting fucking horns and a pitchfork which they use to irritate the bejesus out of you.

So, at age 42, I had to go to my doctor and get a prescription for topical antibiotics to treat my acne.

All this is to say, I am of course fighting the inevitable.

One day, I will be a wrinkled old lady whose looks have long since faded.

Hopefully by the time that happens, I will be a coupled up, happy grandmother with plenty of love and adventure in my life.

But today, I’m just going to go ahead and say it:

GETTING OLD SUX!

Michelle