Panty dropping

So there I am, minding my own business on Tinder. .

Yes, on Tinder.

I’m not having sex but I’m still dating.

In any case, I get a message from a guy called Larry.

Larry sends me a GIF.

It’s a GIF of a woman from the waist down.

She’s standing in high heels and wearing a short skirt.

All of a sudden, her panties drop to the floor and she steps out of them.

THIS IS HIS FIRST COMMUNICATION WITH ME.

O. M. G.

Why do I always get the sex perverts and fuckwits?

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I insult him.

I write back “Thanks for dropping your panties for me. While I don’t usually go for men who wear ladies underwear, I’m willing to give it a shot. Would you like to wear my red panties or my black panties?”

It was the most obnoxious thing I could think of saying in response to such a stupid opening “line.”

His response?

Classic.

He closed the connection.

Yes!

I’m finally doing something right!

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Breathe in. Breathe out.

In case you didn’t know it, The Swede is 9 hours ahead of me, time wise.

So there’s only a little window of opportunity to communicate unless we want to stay up super late.

Early morning. Late evening.

That’s what works.

So I’m messaging The Swede when I realize that it’s almost 2 am in Sweden.

I do what I always do.

I say good night in Swedish.

God Natt.

He likes it when I speak (my limited) Swedish to him.

Jag kan prata lite Svenska. (I can speak a little Swedish)

En billeter tack. (One ticket, please)

Var ligger badrummen? (Where is the bathroom?)

I’m so exotic.

So I get ready to sign off when I decided to send a GIF of a kiss.

And I pick out a naughty, horizontal thrusting, open-mouthed kiss and send it to him.

As soon as I hit send I think, “Oh! I’m not supposed to do this!” but it’s too late.

It’s been sent.

And now The Swede knows that I want to French kiss him while he lays on top of me, thrusting.

Oh well.

It’s not like I’m not trying.

But flirting is like breathing – even if you want to stop something keeps you going.

Ultimately, I decided that since I like The Swede it’s okay to flirt with him.

Just no more NEW men.

And no making sex jokes at my expense.

It’s all progress!

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