Underthings

It’s a universal dilemma for women, I think.

You can wear granny panties that SUCK YOU IN (they’re called Spanx) and give you a smooth silhouette, or you can wear sexy lingerie which lets all the lumps and bumps show.

If you desire to wear sexy lingerie AND have a SMOOTH silhouette, you encounter a Catch 22.

The desired outcome is impossible to attain because of contradictory rules and conditions.

Now.

I have (on occasion) worn my SPANX under my clothes to parties and on dates in order to look sleek and smooth.

Those scary looking girdles really hold you in!

Then, when I’m going to “get busy” I go to the bathroom and CHANGE into my sexy underwear.

Something black and lacy, perhaps?

Or vibrant red and trimmed with velvet?

Of course, I always wonder if my date can tell that something is different.

All of a sudden I have a tummy.

Or my hips have love handles.

What’s up with that, he might think?

No one has ever said anything to me, so I suspect I’ve managed to SLIP IT UNDER THEIR RADAR.

But now I’ve bought an under-the-bust corset to even further the charade that I’m shaped like the perfect hourglass.

I imagine I’ll get totally screwed when it comes to getting naked, however.

No pun intended, but it’s virtually impossible to get out of a corset without help.

But it could work to my advantage seeing as how a woman in nothing but an under-the-bust corset is actually pretty damn sexy.

Think voluptuous breasts and an ample rear end.

I’m quite sure I could get this to work for me.

Wardrobe Malfunction

In eighth grade, I accidentally walked out of the girls locker room with my shirt on but unbuttoned. The gust of air generated by opening the door made the sides of my shirt flutter open and it took only a half second for me to look down and realize my TERRIBLE oversight.

I clutched my shirt closed and looked up to see Michael Tucker, the Jake Ryan of my grade school, in the doorway of the boy’s locker room. Laughing.

Gah!

You would think this humiliation would only be suffered once in a lifetime, but you would be WRONG.

On Saturday at a volunteer event (think women’s volunteer organization) with some very fancy attendees, I walked out of the restroom with my skirt tucked up into my underwear.

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Well, perhaps underwear isn’t the correct word to use here. Maybe… oh… I dunno… I should use the word “girdle”.

Yes, indeed. I was wearing my Spanx. Because that’s the appropriate thing to do when one is wearing a form fitting dress and wants to make sure everything is smooth underneath.

So I walked right out of the restroom with my Spanx out there for all to see… and about 8 women (all sizes 0’s – I SWEAR I am not making this up!) came running out after me trying to help me with my wardrobe malfunction.

The bad news is they saw my “girdle,” the good news is that I didn’t march my granny clad ass out in front of the entire event audience.

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Wardrobe malfunction

In eighth grade, I accidentally walked out of the girls locker room with my shirt on but unbuttoned. The gust of air generated by opening the door made the sides of my shirt flutter open and it took only a half second for me to look down and realize my TERRIBLE oversight.

I clutched my shirt closed and looked up to see Michael Tucker, the Jake Ryan of my grade school, in the doorway of the boy’s locker room. Laughing.

Gah!

You would think this humiliation would only be suffered once in a lifetime, but you would be WRONG.

On Saturday at a volunteer event (think women’s wolunteer organization) with some very fancy attendees, I walked out of the restroom with my skirt tucked up into my underwear.

image

Well, perhaps underwear isn’t the correct word to use here. Maybe… oh… I dunno… I should use the word “girdle”.

Yes, indeed. I was wearing my Spanx. Because that’s the appropriate thing to do when one is wearing a form fitting dress and wants to make sure everything is smooth underneath.

So I walked right out of the restroom with my Spanx out there for all to see… and about 8 women (all sizes 0’s – I SWEAR I am not making this up!) came running out after me trying to help me with my wardrobe malfunction.

The bad news is they saw my “girdle,” the good news is that I didn’t march my granny clad ass out in front of the entire event audience.

image