Screw up

The other day, I was contemplating this quote:

“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”

It really hit home.

Of course, I have this image in my head of what my life is SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE and in reality, it is NOTHING LIKE THAT.

In my dreams my father isn’t blind, my mother isn’t in congestive heart failure, and I’m not living with them helping out.

In my dreams, I have my own place, a good paying job and a clear career trajectory.

In my dreams I have a partner who loves me and brings out the best in me.

And there I was, sitting on a couch with my date who was being kinky (we’ll save those details for later), and I thought – MAYBE THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE.

In my head there’s this perfect man for me:

A lumberjack with an education who can dress up or dress down and always looks sexy.

A steadfast man who will love me and my boys unconditionally.

One who is kind to animals and to the wait staff.

Someone skilled in the bedroom.

This was NOT that man.

But perhaps, my ideal is wrong.

After all, I’m a kinky woman.

I have strong tastes for certain things.

Maybe my “image” of what I want is screwing up the reality of what is really appropriate for me.

Maybe I should give this guy a chance.

So, I am.