Tires and Boyfriends

tireI do not have a boyfriend.

And the only reason this really matters is that there’s no one there to tell me to rotate my tires, or remind me that my tires need to be replaced.

These are the things I simply don’t think about.

It’s not that I’m an oblivious female – I can change a tire as well as change my own motor oil.

There are just some things I DON’T think about unless they’re staring me in the face.

Tires being one of them.

One of the reasons boyfriends EXIST is to tell their girlfriends these things.

I’ll never forget when my boyfriend Luke asked me when was the last time I packed the ball bearings on my trailer.

The answer wasn’t NEVER, it was “the last time I got the trailer serviced a few years ago.”

He proceeded to scold me and then he packed and greased my ball bearings.

No, that’s not a euphemism for sex.

It means he worked on my trailer for me.

I’ve decided that I need a boyfriend for all these GUY THINGS I don’t think about – packing ball bearings, putting air in my tires, replacing my tires BEFORE they go thread bare, etc.

So I’m interviewing.

Any applicants?

Must know cars (trucks preferred).

 

P.S.  I must give a shout out to my cousin Travis who took a look at my tires a few weeks ago and told me they needed to be replaced.  Badly.

Tires and Boyfriends

tireI do not have a boyfriend.

And the only reason this really matters is that there’s no one there to tell me to rotate my tires, or remind me that my tires need to be replaced.

These are the things I simply don’t think about.

It’s not that I’m an oblivious female – I can change a tire as well as change my own motor oil.

There are just some things I DON’T think about unless they’re staring me in the face.

Tires being one of them.

One of the reasons boyfriends EXIST is to tell their girlfriends these things.

I’ll never forget when my boyfriend Luke asked me when was the last time I packed the ball bearings on my trailer.

The answer wasn’t NEVER, it was “the last time I got the trailer serviced a few years ago.”

He proceeded to scold me and then he packed and greased my ball bearings.

No, that’s not a euphemism for sex.

It means he worked on my trailer for me.

I’ve decided that I need a boyfriend for all these GUY THINGS I don’t think about – packing ball bearings, putting air in my tires, replacing my tires BEFORE they go thread bare, etc.

So I’m interviewing.

Any applicants?

Must know cars (trucks preferred).

 

P.S.  I must give a shout out to my cousin Travis who took a look at my tires a few weeks ago and told me they needed to be replaced.  Badly.

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I got chills – they’re multiplying!

Guess what costume I’m working on today?

A Bad Sandy costume from Grease.

You know – the one where she shows up in painted on shiny black leggings, a black off-the-shoulder bodysuit, red wooden slide heels, and her hair curled to kingdom come?

Yeah, that’s Bad Sandy.

First, for the outfit – painted on shiny black leggings and a black off-the shoulder bodysuit:

sandy-grease2 sandy-leggings
sandy-jumpsuit grease

Top it off with a gorgeous black leather jacket:

sandy-jacketWearing this curly blond wig is going to be fun!

sandy-wigAnd I even got a pair of rude girl encrusted rhinestone earrings to wear with the outfit:

sandy-earrings2 sandy-earrings

But the best (and hardest part) of the whole outfit were the shoes – a pair of red mules/slides with a wooden heel. Here’s what I found at Off 5th:

sandy-shoesSo what do you think?

Will I make a believable Sandy?

Truthfully, with the way my love life is going lately, I should be going at Virginal Sandy but you know, a girl can hope. . .

B*tch

I’m sure she’s a really nice person and all (mental vomit), but Posh Spice drives me freaking crazy. And not just because it takes two of her asses to make one of mine – although that does piss me off. I console myself with the fact that it takes 20 of her brains to equal mine and I can still sing better than her. She consoles herself by looking at her bank account while she’s taking Becks out for a joy ride.

No, I’m mostly disturbed by P.S. because all I ever do is see pictures of her shopping wearing enormous gargantuan sunglasses, posing for pictures with her cheeks all sucked in and a sour expression on her face, like she just sucked a dirty dog assh*le.

She should be wearing an enormous grin that splits her face in half, from ear to ear – after all, she gets to shop all the time, she preternaturally skinny, fabulously rich, and gets to shag David Beckham. Her life is freaking awesome. So why the scary pointed nipples and sour expression?

So you can imagine, I was thilled to see her latest fashion statement, which once again proves that there is nothing new under the sun. I give you P.S. in her latest Sandy loves Danny Zuko incarnation:

vb

Does it look familiar? That’s because like every good prepubescent boy and girl, we’ve all seen Grease and Sandy’s painted on pants and red shoes. All Posh is missing is the poofy blond hair….

grease2