18 years ago today, my heart tore in half when my son Douglas died of cancer.
The hospital room was so quiet and it smelled of tears. Tears that fell from my eyes like endless rivers of sorrow.
I thought I’d never stop crying.
I stopped believing in God. Stopped singing.
My ex husband got me a dog, Mac, to get over my grief and having that dog to pour all my love into brought me back to life.
He was a four legged replacement for the son I lost.
Sadly, 8 years ago today (on the 10 year anniversary of Douglas’ death), Mac’s life ended in a freak freeway accident on Highway 80.
So you COULD say that September 22 is my least favorite day of the year.
You could say that but you’d be wrong.
Because instead of spending the day grieving, I spend the day with my sons and my family, having fun and feeling alive, instead of mourning.
It gives me an opportunity to HONOR my loved ones but also gives me the chance to CELEBRATE everything that is wonderful and beautiful in my life.
Especially the two sons that I have.
So happy September 22nd, to all my friends. I hope it’s a happy one for you too.
There is a clarity in grief. As if somehow being unable to hide from the reality of death anymore makes us so much more skilled at living.
I’ve always found it ironic that the times in my life that I’ve felt critically alive are the time when I’ve been grieving:
- when my son Douglas died
- when my friend Andrew and his son Zachary were murdered
- when I received a difficult medical diagnosis
- When my dog fell out of my car on Highway 80 and was hit and killed
Shocking. Sudden. Instantaneous loss. It shook me out of my complacent stupor and reminded me that life is fleeting.
That in the end, none of us gets out of this alive and someday it will all be over 😦
And there’s something about not just knowing that but actually feeling it in your body that make us all live a little brighter. Enjoy our lives a little bit more. Sometimes, a great deal more.
All we are left with are memories. Which is why I feel an overwhelming desire to create more memories – with my family, with my friends, and especially with my children.
I have renewed enthusiasm in getting out there and doing something fun. Starting with this weekend.
I’m taking Duncan and going to my aunt and uncle’s cabin in Pollock Pines.
There will be shenanigans