Life was never the same

Every mother loves to tell her birth stories and I am no different.

My oldest was in fetal distress and so I had to be induced with him at 36 weeks.

It took me 45 minutes to push him out.

He was born going pee.

He peed on the doctor and on me.

Typical Duncan.

And then two years later came Gavin.

With Gav I didn’t realize how far I was in labor until I arrived in the hospital, got in a bed, looked at the nurse and groaned, “I have to P U S H!”

She examined me and noted that I was fully dilated and ready to push.

It took 20 minutes to deliver Gav.

He came out with a perfectly round head because he spent no time in the birth canal.

So 45 minute and 20 minute labors.

Not too shabby.

Personally, I have no idea how women can handle labors that last a long time.

18 hours.

36 hours.

It’s insane.

I’d be begging for a C-section out of sheer exhaustion.

There is a downside to having very fast labors.

My chart was flagged for fast delivery and the nurse told me that if I had another baby, it would probably arrive in the car on the ride to the hospital.

Whoah!

Also, I can’t guilt my children by telling them how long I was in labor with them.

All I say is, “Do you know how MUCH it hurt?!”

I recorded both births.

Yes, I did.

Not your typical side shot of the mother delivering the baby.

No.

I instructed my mother to record the birth right where all the action was happening.

I watched the births right after the boys were born.

Then on their 1 year birthdays.

And I gotta say, those deliveries are pretty gross.

I see why people take sideways shots of babies being delivered.

It’s sort of a juicy, fluid-filled, mucus plug, gross out fest.

But in the end, I had a 7 pound 2 ounce baby boy and an 8 pound 5 ounce baby boy to love on.

And life was never the same.

Lube

I often forget about lube.

Which is ironic considering every time I use it, I think, “Oh! This is definitely enhancing my pleasure!”

So why I CONSTANTLY forget about it, I will never know.

I have bottles of it stashed everywhere.

In my Burning Man toiletries tote.

In my purse.

In my bedroom drawer right next to the bed.

The other day, I had a not so subtle reminder of why it’s important to use lube.

I was having fun, getting down, when my partner SPIT on me.

Indeed.

He spit on me.

Not just once, but twice.

Spit will do the job, however it’s filled with enzymes and bacteria that probably don’t belong in a woman’s vagina.

Fast forward 24 hours and I’ve got a RAGING yeast infection.

Maybe some women can handle copious amounts of saliva on their nethers, but NOT ME.

I can absolutely VOUCH for that now, as I sit here in complete and total discomfort, waiting for the moment when I can get home and get to a tube of anti-fungal cream.

Monistat, you have my heart.

Things that make me vomit a little in my mouth

michelleSo there I was.

Naked, and stepping into the hot tub.

The heat sunk though my skin to my bones, warming me.

And that’s when I saw it.

A tiny scrap of latex clinging to the side of the hot tub.

I took a closer look.

Yup.

Just as I expected.

A used condom.

Now.

I am not a big fan of condoms.

I can barely tolerate my own prophylactics.

But someone else’s?

Ewwww, no!

Nothing worse than a cold sackful of stranger’s cum sitting by the side of your hot tub.

Oh!

I just threw up a little in my mouth writing that sentence.

So what did I do?

Nothing.

I ignored it.

What was I supposed to do?

Clean it up?

I left it there for some other poor soul to deal with.

And I tried to ignore the fact that its presence signified that MANY OTHER PEOPLE COME TO THE HOT TUBS TO GET IT ON.

‘Cuz you know what I was there for. . .

Good grief

You can be a successful businessman with a masters in Marketing and a really fantastic VP of Marketing job. You can live in a gorgeous house in Santa Cruz with a 10-year-old mortgage, no ex-wife, and no children (which you really, really want). You can have an adorable lab who loves to kiss my (crazy) dog. You can have bonuses and quarterly stock options up the wazoo.

But when you lick my ear for 3 minutes straight, I am REALLY going to question our suitability.

rlck

It’s not that I want to be bitchy about it but I swear, anything more than a little nibble makes me want to shower with Ajax!