Serendipity

Every now and then I wonder about my strange and unusual background.

HAI workshops.

Landmark.

OneTaste.

Burning Man.

Lots of fringe activities, exploring self and relationships with others.

I don’t often talk about it on this blog because it’s hard to put into words what it feels like to probe the edges of myself and explore the depths of my identity.

But that’s the task I was faced with yesterday after conversing with an old friend, who just so happens to be Swedish.

I am forced to admit that all these things I’ve done suddenly made more sense to me.

Even learning the Swedish language to impress a man who is now married to someone else.

Instead of feeling like a collection of failed hobbies, I feel like a whole and complete woman.

Strong.

Independent.

Ready to take on the challenges before me and see what lies ahead.

Bring it on.

Cuddle Puddle

cuddleI’m pretty sure my first experience in a cuddle puddle was at a HAI Level 1 retreat at Harbin Hot Springs.

There was a break in the activity and some of us opted to lay down on a pile of pillows.

Snuggling and cuddling just happened.

Try to imagine prickly, stuffy old me being invited into a cuddle puddle with a bunch of relaxed, down-to-earth people.

But I’ll try anything and so I did.

I laid down with virtual strangers and gave myself over to the experience.

And it was amazing.

Now I know it’s hard to picture me enjoying snuggling.

Everyone knows I’m an action girl and I scoff at snuggling (at least until after the main event).

But this appealed to me.

The smiling. The hand holding. The gentle touches. The bodies cuddled up to mine.

I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Fast forward eight years and I’m at SoulFire in a cuddle puddle with two women and a man.

Same result.

Relaxing, snuggling, cuddling, soft sensation.

It was all too brief but satisfying.

So here I am looking at my inbox today and there’s a new invitation to a Santa Clara cuddle puddle.

Do I want to go?

Hell yes.

Then what’s stopping me?

Probably the fear that it won’t be my scene. That I won’t feel a connection to any of the people there.

Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of the person I might become if I finally let my hunger for intimacy out into the open without the post-coital justification there to mitigate it.

Maybe I’ll have to admit there’s more to intimacy than just sex.

And that I am woefully BAD AT IT.

Maybe…

 

Ecstatic Singles

I’m going to an Ecstatic Singles meetup with my friend Bagelfather.

I’m going to go for a couple of reasons:

  1. I like hanging out with Bagelfather. He’s smart and clever and makes me laugh and think about things in different ways.
  2. I swore off internet dating so I guess that means I have to do it the old fashioned way.
  3. I happen to have gone on a few retreats organized by the group producing the Ecstatic Singles workshop and I think it’ll be good for me to go and get back in touch with my sensitive side (which is what the retreats brought out of me).
  4. I haven’t been laid since unSCruz and it’s making me bitchy. Why just the other day I made a snarky comment about a 3 year old. A three year old baby! Bad Michelle!
  5. I need to practice my flirting. The Swede has been gone forever (and I will likely be in Burning Man for his next California visit) and I’m at a loss for finding men to flirt with.
  6. Eye gazing. I’m sure it’s going to happen. Just like I’m sure it’ll make me uncomfortable for a while. And then, as if by magic, I like it.
  7. There’s dancing! And I love to dance (even though I suck). Bring on the new age music, mama’s got to get her groove on.
  8. Have you ever seen a bunch of hippies dancing around a room ecstatically? It’s something to behold. The freedom of expression. The movement.
  9. I have the expectation that the men I meet will behave themselves better than the ones I meet online. I’m going to write a blog post about my experience.
  10. I’m happy being single. Which is precisely the state of mind I need to be in to meet someone special.

We shall see. . .

Cuddle Puddle

cuddleI’m pretty sure my first experience in a cuddle puddle was at a HAI Level 1 retreat at Harbin Hot Springs.

There was a break in the activity and some of us opted to lay down on a pile of pillows.

Snuggling and cuddling just happened.

Try to imagine prickly, stuffy old me being invited into a cuddle puddle with a bunch of relaxed, down-to-earth people.

But I’ll try anything and so I did.

I laid down with virtual strangers and gave myself over to the experience.

And it was amazing.

Now I know it’s hard to picture me enjoying snuggling.

Everyone knows I’m an action girl and I scoff at snuggling (at least until after the main event).

But this appealed to me.

The smiling. The hand holding. The gentle touches. The bodies cuddled up to mine.

I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Fast forward eight years and I’m at SoulFire in a cuddle puddle with two women and a man.

Same result.

Relaxing, snuggling, cuddling, soft sensation.

It was all too brief but satisfying.

So here I am looking at my inbox today and there’s a new invitation to a Santa Clara cuddle puddle.

Do I want to go?

Hell yes.

Then what’s stopping me?

Probably the fear that it won’t be my scene. That I won’t feel a connection to any of the people there.

Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of the person I might become if I finally let my hunger for intimacy out into the open without the post-coital justification there to mitigate it.

Maybe I’ll have to admit there’s more to intimacy than just sex.

And that I am woefully BAD AT IT.

Maybe…