Not-so-mellow yellow

I went to Holi last weekend and had a blast with Barbara and Yvonne.

Afterwards, when it was time to shower, I stepped into my shower with my filthy white flip flops on (to wash them to).

I stuck my head under the bath tub spout (no low flow shower head for me) and I proceed to turn the entire bathtub PURPLE for the next 15 seconds.

A deep, vibrant PURPLE!

So it comes as  a bit of a surprise that when all is said and done, I managed to turn a patch of my hair A BRIGHT YELLOW and not purple.

See. . .

Now, if you’ve been following me long enough, you  know that I actually turned my whole head of hair yellow a few years ago.

I had to rush into the hair salon to get it fixed because I worked in an office where EASTER EGG YELLOW HAIR would be frowned upon.

This, I can live with.

To see pictures from the 2016 and 2015 Holi festivals click here and here.

Save

Save

Legs

michelleI’ll let you in on a little secret:

I RARELY shave my legs.

It’s not that I’m TOO LAZY to shave them in the shower.

It’s just that I mostly wear pants and so my legs don’t show.

And. . . my hair is blond.

So even when it shows, it doesn’t REALLY show.

At least that was my theory until 5 minutes ago.

Picture this:

I’m wearing a black leather midi skirt with black platform heels and a red and black buffalo plaid shirt.

My legs are bare.

I’m standing in front of the window, silhouetted by the incoming light when I feel a little chill.

All the hair on my body STANDS UP.

I look down and HAPPEN to notice that I CAN SEE ALL THE BLOND HAIRS ON MY LEGS .

Like, there’s a bushel of them!

And just like that. . .

I’VE RESOLVED TO SHAVE MY LEGS.

Save

Pigpen head

I had NO IDEA how bad my hair would get at Burning Man.

Foolishly, I assumed I’d always be able to run a brush through it.

BUT I WAS WRONG.

Playa hair happens when the alkaline dust of the playa gets kicked up into your hair and causes it to turn into a rat’s nest.

I kid you not. I couldn’t even poke a finger into my hair it was so bad.

It’s like dry spaghetti and insulation had sex and the baby landed on my head.

Definitely not something you want to walk around wearing.

The only saving grace is that EVERYONE was walking around with playa head. So I had that going for me.

Let me tell you, it can’t be easy to get a blow job from a girl with playa hair. You go to grab her hair and you get handfuls of crunchy noodles. Dust falls out.

If you pat me on the head, a dust cloud formed.

Kinda like Pigpen.

THAT is playa hair.

Here is my playa hair BEFORE my blowout in the Default World:

hairAnd that’s AFTER I washed and conditioned it when I got home.  Shocking, I know.

And here I am AFTER my blowout.  Ahh, much better!

IMG_7645

Burning Man Mysteries

white witch michelleThings which still elude me at Burning Man

  1. How to keep my cuticles properly hydrated at Burning Man. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them any worse than post TTITD.
  2. How to comb long hair at Burning Man. I swear it was impossible to brush my hair. I finally gave up and just let my hair become one big dread lock.
  3. Cameras at Burning Man. How to keep them functioning. Mine froze up after I left it out in a dust storm (I know, I know). I know better now. The things you don’t think of until it’s too late.
  4. How to use a fucking ratchet strap. Am I the only person on the planet that can’t figure it out? Yes, I think I am.
  5. Costumes or outfits? Which is more P.C.? I like to call them costumes but that implies it’s a layer of clothing I put on to achieve an effect instead of a removal of outer barriers to who I really am.
  6. Nudity on the playa. Sure, the hot 20 somethings go naked on the playa but does anyone want to see my 40 year old mom bod? For that matter, do I want to put it on display? Lord knows I love naked retreats but not when I have to stand next to naked American Pie bodies. [P.S. I did go naked at the Human Carcass Wash and the Sauna Dome last year.]
  7. Will it make a difference to my burn now that I know more people in the Burning Man community – more people in Silicon Village and other Bay Area camps?
  8. If there is no shower set up for our camp, can I bring water to friend’s RVs and take a shower, with their permission?
  9. Two years ago, it was rain, last year it was bugs and bats, what “catastrophes” will befall Burning Man 2016? There always seems to be hurdles. But if it was easy then everyone would do it.
  10. Will this year truly be any better than last year? I hope so, but there’s no way to be sure. Maybe I’ll feel as alone as I did in 2015. And that would be a shame.

Happy Birthday Tejas!

Tejas turns 56 today! Or something like that.

We are celebrating with a Great Gatsby (The Roaring 20s) party this weekend.

My dress:

IMG_8731My headband:

FullSizeRender(1)And my hair:

gatsby1Great Gatsby (aka flapper) style hair is challenging for long hair since so many of the hairstyles of that time were short bobs, and cropped close to the head.

Women feminized the look by creating soft waves in their hair.

I went online to find out how to give myself finger waves and discovered that IT WAS COMPLICATED.

Way above my hairstyle IQ.

Then I found a post about a WAVING IRON which basically does almost the same thing without all the investment in hair pins and clamps.

So I snapped one up on Amazon Prime.

And it worked!

Woo!

As my mom said, “Just add some red lipstick, a flapper dress and thigh highs with a Great Gatsby man and you will Charleston the night away.”

I can do something about the lipstick but the man, well that’s another story…

Hairstyles (not what you think)

Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz get interviewed about it.

A stray one can shut down an entire restaurant.

We’ve devised all sorts of ways to remove it from lasers to razors to depilatories.

We are a nation OBSESSED with pubic hair.

And I have a confession to make. Like the rest of America, I too am enthralled with bush.

I even sneak a peek at other women’s merkins in the gym… just to see what sort of hairstyle they’re sporting.

I used to shave. But shaving doesn’t last long enough.

I used depilatories and gave myself a chemical burn. Ouch.

I switched to Brazilian waxes but they hurt too much and I hated the in-between stage.

So I finally got my business lasered.

That’s right…. PERMANENT hair removal.

And I was thrilled with my pussy.

p1

p3

Soft. Pink. Smooth. Made for fun. It just screamed “Play with me!”

But recently, having seen more and more women sporting some sort of a bush, I’ve started to miss my long-lost hair down there.

Hair, at the very least, provides a little visual protection. It signals sexual maturity. It absorbs moisture and disperses pheromones.

And I have none.

Fortunately, I don’t think it matters much to men. They’re likely just pleased to get close to a pussy to be particular about the hairstyle.

But just so you know, I miss my little bush.

p2

Manscaping*

Now, I’ve been with trimmed men, and I’ve been with untrimmed men so I feel uniquely qualified to render a verdict in the manscaping debate.

To manscape or not to manscape, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dense thicket of outrageous pubes or take arms against them and trim them down.

In short, the answer is….

TRIM THOSE PUPPIES DOWN.

Indeed, I am a fan of manscaping. In particular, I am a fan of the last manscape job I was lucky enough to view.

But enough about Austin, here’s why manscaping is great.

  • You don’t have bush is your face when you go down south.
  • It gives men that “extra optical inch.”
  • It looks clean and tidy.
  • Shorter hairs are less likely to be “flossed” with.
  • If I’m going to maintain my nethers, I think he should have to maintain his as well.
  • Less prickly.

I think women spend a lot of time on the care and maintenance of their lady business. I think the least men can do to make things pleasant for us is give it the occasional trim. Being a woman with sexting friends, I often receive images of unmanscaped men. My advice to them is always the same – you should give that a little trim. Streamline it. Gain that extra optical inch.

With the exception of The Irishman, everyone has taken my advice.

What was The Irishman’s reponse?

“I’m Irish Michelle. And Irish men do no manscape.”

Ha ha. Okay!**

 

*  Manscaping actually included trimming/shaving hair on the back, the chest, the brows, the beard, and the nose/ears as well as the genitals but since I find the genitals more interesting, I focused my interest on that area 🙂

**  All this being said, if you really like a man, trimmed or untrimmed, you’re going downtown and you’re gonna love it.  It’s really the person attached to the manscape that matters, not the manscape.  Duh.

How To Look Good Naked

The secret to looking good naked is not to compare yourself to anyone else.  Cultivate your own individual sex appeal.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. Without clothes to dress your body, hair is your only accessory.  Choose a style and color that flatters your face.  Try a wig if you want to be exotic.
  2. Cover the flaws and blemishes on your skin.  Start with a blank canvas.
  3. Glamorize your makeup to bring out your bedroom eyes and perfect pout.
  4. Breasts trigger an immediate and biological response in men – mimic the state of arousal with your nipples and use lip tints and concealer to lighten/darken or decrease the size of your nipples.
  5. Trim the hair down there into your favorite shape.
  6. Flaunt your booty.  The only way to get a perfect booty (besides winning the genetic lottery (like Amie Chadwick of Confessions of Amie))is by using Photoshop so embrace your imperfections and make the most of what you’ve got.
  7. Don’t neglect your feet.  Sexy feet are a turn on.
  8. Wear lingerie that fits.
  9. Layer your lingerie so you can put on a little strip tease.
  10. Don’t neglect your shoes.  Wedges look awful.  The best shoes to wear are stilettos.
  11. Consider using pasties.  Just be aware that they hurt to remove!
  12. Choose soft lighting – dimmer switches and candles are preferred.
  13. Have a great attitude and let it show when you shake your tail feather.
  14. Alluring aromas can be extremely evocative.  Chose a scent that make you feel sexy.
  15. Get a book or take a class to learn some stripper/burlesque moves.

There you have it, some quick tips on looking good naked.  Just remember, naked is natural so have fun!

Throw Back Thursday

I see everyone doing this on Facebook so I’m going to do it on my blog and show you a really embarrassing photo of myself as a teenager.  I’d just won a speech contest for the Toastmaster’s and was posing with the school principal.  I wish someone had told me to take down the sail that was my bangs.  Sigh.

And another, from when I was a young kid and my parents chopped my hair off.

 

And an even younger picture with my sister.

Move over Movember, it’s time for Decembeaver

Fill in the blank:

Movember is to moustaches what Decembeaver is to ________.

I actually like Movember. I’m a fan of facial hair. I’m also a fan of giving the ladies equal recognition, so I’m pleased to hear about Movember’s cooler, hipper, and hairier sister Decembeaver.

Tips to survive Decembeaver:

  1. Keep it moisturized.  Week 1 will be the hardest. Lotion will help prevent itching.
  2. Don’t take pictures of your progress like the boys do. ‘Nuff said.
  3. Don’t forget to share Decembeaver with all your friends.

image