Abstinence

Lately, my life has been a story of misfires.

I scheduled TWO dates with one guy and they BOTH got cancelled the day of.

And then there was another date where the guy told me he was too sick to show up 2 hours before we were supposed to meet.

Now he’s trying to reschedule, and I’m not feeling that generous.

The other guy?

The one who cancelled twice?

Well, he sent me a string a very sexy text messages which makes me think that if I DO reschedule with him, it better be after my abstinence stint is OVER.

I do not think I can trust him to not make a move.

Furthermore, I believe that if he does make a move, I will be helpless to resist.

Remember that I am voraciously hungry right now.

They say that the universe doesn’t give you want you WANT, it gives you what you NEED and right now, I guess I need to be alone.

No dates.

No temptation.

Just me and my solo act.

Ahem.

With the way the universe is working itself out for me, I wouldn’t be surprised if The Swede doesn’t make it to California in December.

Because he’s my loop hole.

My get out of jail card.

My hall pass lover.

I’m not attached to any outcome however.

I’m too old and I’ve learned too much to hold on tightly to what I want to have happen.

If it happens, nice.

If it doesn’t, too bad.

I believe in the wisdom of the universe and what it’s handing out to me right now is EXACTLY what I need.

Abstinence.

Hall Pass

Hall passes.

These aren’t the traditional hallway passes we know from middle school.

No, these are the hall passes that give you a night, a weekend, or a week off from your relationship to play with whomever you want.

And in the world of open relationships/swingers, it means a pass to play by yourself, without your partner there to participate.

In the 2011 movie, Hall Pass, by the Farrelly brothers, Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are unhappy with their lives, so their frustrated wives give them a guilt-free week to party like single men. They’re authorized to bang anyone if they can pull it off. Sound like entrapment? They might as well answer their wives when they’re asked if they look fat. But that’s how the movie goes and, like any predictable comedy, they learn the error of their ways and learn to appreciate their marriages. Of course, in the real world, a story like that can only end in UFC-style beatings, dismemberment, and the splitting of assets.

Psychology Today calls hall passes “bad sex advice.” As Jeremy Clayman, Psy.D. puts it, “It’s like kryptonite for couples. Don’t do it. There isn’t a single situation or dynamic for whom I could imagine this working successfully.”

Personally, the idea of a hall pass doesn’t bother me, so long as it’s done in a healthy relationship and not one that’s suffering from lack of intimacy or sex. It’s not a band aid for what’s ailing you, it’s a vitamin to keep you healthy- not necessary but can be have a great placebo effect. I know quite a few couples who believe in hall passes and use them regularly. None of them have split or broken up from separate play.

I knew a couple who always agreed to connect with each other after they played with other people. No matter what, they would get together that night and share stories, reconnect with each other.

I knew another couple for whom hall passes were the norm. They played separate and they didn’t always reconnect afterwards. And they did just fine as well.

But I can also see how a hall pass could be a tricky, dangerous addition to a relationship. One partner might not be really prepared for the other to play around with others. Maybe they both overestimated their comfort with the idea of a hall pass.

Either way, it could blow up in your face and hurt a lot of people.

So as my friend Jack puts it (Mr. Swinger), his best advice to people considering hall passes is “Ensure BOTH partners are in the loop. Communication. Communication. Communication.”

That and a Hail Mary!