The one where she admits she took a lap dancing class

I had my first lap dancing class on Thursday.

The important thing is to start off with a glass or wine or two to loosen yourself up for the activity at hand. Which was great because I walked into the studio right as a girl was changing in to her dance outfit (black hot pants with studs and a matching triangle bikini top) in the lobby. Bam!

She then proceeded to slip on her 7 ½ inch heels. OMG….. now I know why men love heels on women. Pow!

My class started with my instructor Heather, also wearing booty pants and a tank top, telling the class the 5 Rules of Lap Dance:

  1. Arch your back
  2. Move slow
  3. Point your toes
  4. Make eye contact
  5. Touch yourself

Anyway, we warmed up on the floor with a sexy little stretching routine. Slow, always slow. Then we began to learn our lap dance in bed routine:

  • Step 1: Strut around in heels.
  • Step 2: Lean your back against the wall and spread your legs.
  • Step 3: Close your legs and melt down the wall to the floor.
  • Step 4: Crawl to the bed. Opposite knee, opposite paw.
  • Step 5: Run your fingertips, then hands, then forearms up his legs getting closer to the goods every time.
  • Step 6: Rub your chest over his chest and up to his face so he gets a good view of the kittens. Tantalize for a minute.
  • Step 7: Straddle his leg. Grind a little.

And that’s as far as we got.  Two more classes will teach me the rest.

I have to say, the whole experience was great. Once your forget yourself (wine helps) and get in to the mood, everything starts to flow.

Get in a sexy mood. Make eye contact. Touch yourself. Show off your body. It was all very enjoyable and, dare I say, pleasurable.

It did occur to me as I was taking my class how lucky I was. Men would kill to see what I was seeing.

Not only was I learning something, but I was getting quite the show!

And just for laughs and giggles, here is a picture of the man I got to give a lap dance to in bed….

photo(29)Sexy, eh?  Picture me grinding on that….

Shoes are everything

I didn’t know it at the time, but when I was prepping for my first Burning Man, I wasted a lot of time picking out shoes.

Of course I did.

Each outfit had to be coordinated to my shoes.

And of course, I loved THE WORST shoes for my feet:

Yes, I had to learn the hard way that as much as I like platform boots, they are HELL on your feet out on the playa.

There’s a lot of walking involved when you’re at Burning Man.

And that platform shoe soon feels like you’re wearing bricks on the end of your feet.

And just as an aside, those nice black boots turn grey-beige from all the playa dust.

Now that I’ve been to Burning Man a few times, I have learned the importance of wearing comfortable, supportive shoes that fit my feet well.

Here are a couple of duds:

This pair of white platform lace up boots.  Cool looking, eh?  But try wearing heels in the desert for hours on end and you will RIP THEM OFF YOUR FEET IN AGONY!

This pair of black platform boots.  Modest heel, you’d think it would be wearable.  But I’m here to tell you, no so! I’d rather shave my head with a cheese grater than wear these boots again.  ANYWHERE.  PAIN!

This pair of light up black flatform shoes.  So awesome, right?  I mean you have to light yourself up at night so why not light your shoes up?  This genius idea of mine didn’t take into account the WEIGHT of each shoe, especially with coils of lights around the heels.  Wearing these shoes was like walking around with cement blocks tied to my feet.  I ended up gifting them to a friend.

So now that I’m a bit more experienced, what kind of shoes would I wear to the burn?

For wandering around camp, I’d wear these flip flops:

Yes, they’re flip flops, but for wearing just around camp, they’re perfect.  They’re supportive and with proper foot care, you can avoid playa foot (indeed, I have a friend who wears flip flops nearly all the time and with just a little foot maintenance, she does just fine).

My other choice for wearing around camp are these slip-on walking shoes:

They’re easy to get on and off and are really comfortable, especially when you’re wandering around camp, visiting with friends.

This year, my go-to sneaker is this shoe, which has a moderate platform (yay) but is still lightweight and comfortable to wear:

And because I really do need a white shoe to go with my black shoe, I also have another shoe which fits my needs – comfortable, affordable, lightweight:

I still like the look of a little platform heel, but without all the extra added weight of a chunky heel.

Take it from someone who has made ALL THE MISTAKES, be vigilant about what shoes you bring to the burn.

I once brought a pair of high platform boots to unSCruz, and nothing else.  I discovered about an hour into the event that I would not be able to walk in them on the uneven grass surfaces, so I picked up a pair of extra large men’s slippers at the clothing exchange.  I proceeded to TRIP over exposed electrical cords because the shoes were too big for my feet and I did a FACE PLANT into my electrical totes and. . .

SHOES ARE EVERYTHING!

SUPER SLUTTY SHOES

I took my second Lap Dance class this Thursday with my imaginary boyfriend.

Once again, it was me in a room with several scantily clad ladies.  The instructor wore a g-string.  Sometimes I just sit in class and let myself be amazed by the beauty of the women around me.

We practiced our routine.  By now we had the beginning part down.

  • Lay your “boyfriend” on the bed.  Prop up his head so he can watch you.
  • Start out by doing a little routine against the wall.  Don’t forget to open your legs. 😉
  • Go to the bed and play with your “boyfriend.”
  • Don’t forget to SMEAR your body against his.  SMEAR. SMEAR. SMEAR. I love that word.
  • Rotate your body to give him a side view.
  • More smearing. Do it slowly.
  • Rotate your body to give him the back view.  Nice.

And that’s where we stopped.  And somewhere in this whole routine, I realized that my shoes were not nearly as sexy as everyone else’s.  I realized that in order to be an effective lap dancer (or at least to look the part), I needed to get a new pair of shoes.  So I went online and bought these puppies.

And I can’t really describe how happy these ridiculous shoes make me feel.  But I do know that there’s something about their absolute frivolity that appeals to me and resonates with my inner diva.

Giving in

Life is too short to wear comfortable shoes, I’ve always said.

Thus, my closet is packed with about 100 pairs of heels, sky high boots, and glittery sandals.

It’s hard to find a pair of sneakers.

I do have a pair of Chuck Taylors.

And two pairs of running shoes.

Which is why it pains me to admit that I broke down and bought comfortable FLATS for my closet.

I just couldn’t take it anymore – walking in to work, balancing on delicate heels, trying not to break an ankle and turn into a yard sale.

My friend Barbara should be THRILLED.

She wears nothing but Tiek flats and she LOVES them.

You better love them if you’re spending over $300 a pair, is what I say!

I did not buy Tieks.

No, instead I bought a few pairs which I think will fit my unnaturally wide feet.

We’re not talking Hobbit-wide feet, just slightly wider than average.

Thus, these new pairs will be joining my closet in a week and will become staples for my wardrobe accessories.

I just can’t wear heels ALL DAY LONG anymore.

It hurts.

I give up!

Full disclosure: This MAY have something to do with me tripping TWICE in my black heels after a long day at work and literally almost RIPPING MY LITTLE TOE OFF MY RIGHT FOOT in the process.

Flats? Click. Buy.

The one where she admits she took a lap dancing class

I had my first lap dancing class on Thursday.

The important thing is to start off with a glass or wine or two to loosen yourself up for the activity at hand. Which was great because I walked into the studio right as a girl was changing in to her dance outfit (black hot pants with studs and a matching triangle bikini top) in the lobby. Bam!

She then proceeded to slip on her 7 ½ inch heels. OMG….. now I know why men love heels on women. Pow!

My class started with my instructor Heather, also wearing booty pants and a tank top, telling the class the 5 Rules of Lap Dance:

  1. Arch your back
  2. Move slow
  3. Point your toes
  4. Make eye contact
  5. Touch yourself

Anyway, we warmed up on the floor with a sexy little stretching routine. Slow, always slow. Then we began to learn our lap dance in bed routine:

  • Step 1: Strut around in heels.
  • Step 2: Lean your back against the wall and spread your legs.
  • Step 3: Close your legs and melt down the wall to the floor.
  • Step 4: Crawl to the bed. Opposite knee, opposite paw.
  • Step 5: Run your fingertips, then hands, then forearms up his legs getting closer to the goods every time.
  • Step 6: Rub your chest over his chest and up to his face so he gets a good view of the kittens. Tantalize for a minute.
  • Step 7: Straddle his leg. Grind a little.

And that’s as far as we got.  Two more classes will teach me the rest.

I have to say, the whole experience was great. Once your forget yourself (wine helps) and get in to the mood, everything starts to flow.

Get in a sexy mood. Make eye contact. Touch yourself. Show off your body. It was all very enjoyable and, dare I say, pleasurable.

It did occur to me as I was taking my class how lucky I was. Men would kill to see what I was seeing.

Not only was I learning something, but I was getting quite the show!

And just for laughs and giggles, here is a picture of the man I got to give a lap dance to in bed….

photo(29)Sexy, eh?  Picture me grinding on that….