Bombshell and the Half Hard Cocks

I experienced the beauty and diversity of Burning Man 2017: Radical Ritual largely though my VAGINA.

Indeed.

It was a good year for STUDLY MEN and PLEASURABLE ENCOUNTERS.

My one sole complaint: too much drugs and alcohol makes it hard for men to get it up and keep it up.

It was the year of the HALF-HARD COCK for me.

There’s not much you can do with a half hard cock except snuggle or perhaps put your clothes back on and head back out to the playa.

And that’s exactly what I did.

A few cocks malfunctioned with me making me curse the No Hard Feelings post I wrote a few weeks back.

Every time I discuss it, it becomes a THING.

Seeing as how I’m not into drugs, I had NO IDEA that TOO MUCH COKE means a man can’t get it up.

How much coke, I wonder, does a person need to consume for it to have that effect on his dick?

Probably A LOT!

Nevertheless I had a great time fooling around and snuggling with men, platonic as it might be.

Men who can’t get their equipment to work are often very creative in other departments. . .

If you catch my drift.

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Bombshell and the Half Hard Cocks

I experienced the beauty and diversity of Burning Man 2017: Radical Ritual largely though my VAGINA.

Indeed.

It was a good year for STUDLY MEN and PLEASURABLE ENCOUNTERS.

My one sole complaint: too much drugs and alcohol makes it hard for men to get it up and keep it up.

It was the year of the HALF-HARD COCK for me.

There’s not much you can do with a half hard cock except snuggle or perhaps put your clothes back on and head back out to the playa.

And that’s exactly what I did.

Three out of four cocks malfunctioned with me making me curse the No Hard Feelings post I wrote a few weeks back.

Every time I discuss it, it becomes a THING.

Seeing as how I’m not into drugs, I had NO IDEA that TOO MUCH COKE means a man can’t get it up.

How much coke, I wonder, does a person need to consume for it to have that effect on his dick?

Probably A LOT!

Nevertheless I had a great time fooling around and snuggling with men, platonic as it might be.

Men who can’t get their equipment to work are often very creative in other departments. . .

If you catch my drift.

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No HARD Feelings

I’ll never forget my first experience with “whiskey dick.”

I was a freshman at UCSB and my girlfriends and I were discussing impotence over dinner in the cafeteria.

I announced that it had never happened to me and then I FORGOT TO KNOCK ON WOOD.

That night, I hooked up with my usual lover after a night of drinking only to discover that HE COULDN’T GET IT UP.

Murphy’s Law strikes again!

In the years since college, my experiences with impotence have been few and far between.

The Hunk had problems.

But given that he saw fit to solve his problem by surreptitiously slipping off the condom, I have no sympathy for him.

There have been a few other men I have come across who have had this problem.

I don’t really understand why they’re not knocking on every doctor’s door, trying to get the problem fixed.

I’d be up, bright spanking early, waiting for the doctor to arrive so I could discuss a remedy for my problem, if I were an impotent man.

I once dated a man who was a staff member of a prominent college football team.

He had HUGE problems getting it up.

He preferred to get and give oral sex.

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me oral sex is a nice appetizer but it’s not the main course.

I might have been SLIGHTLY impatient for him to get everything working properly.

Hey! I’m a Scorpio.

I don’t like it when my sex life is interrupted.

Besides disrupting your sex life, the other thing about impotence is that it can be an indication of larger health problems.

So men really should get checked out by a doctor.

Now, you might be wondering why I bring this up.

Has it happened AGAIN?

I’m happy to report that no, no one has had problems getting it up around me.

And this is me KNOCKING ON FUCKING WOOD, RIGHT NOW!

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No HARD feelings

imageToday I’d like to discuss something very serious.

Something that impacts sex lives everywhere.

Yes today friends we’re going to discuss IMPOTENCE.

It used to be that every time I tried to get some action, action materialized in the form of a nice, hard unit and it TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS (except for that unfortunate incident of whiskey dick at UCSB).

That was in my 20’s and 30’s.

In my 40’s however it’s a different story.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

And there’s no predicting it.

Men who you’d think would have trouble, get it up just fine. And men who you’d think have no trouble just can’t seem to get a rise out of it.

Take The Hunk, for instance.

Tall, fit, and sexy, you’d think his unit would work just fine.

But you’d be WRONG!

And it just makes me think that perhaps IT’S TIME TO WARN A GIRL THAT IT MIGHT NOT WORK.

You know, just to frame that night’s activities properly and to prepare her for a possible change in plans.

That way if it DOES work then kudos to her. She’ll feel sexy and accomplished for helping him get it up so they can get it on.

I have to believe that men who have this problem know about it.

If it were me, I’d be running to the urologist for my Viagra-Cialis cocktail/IV drip.

Since men don’t like to admit their liftage problems, I’ve developed a couple of tests to determine if in fact you’re dealing with a flaccid problem:

  1. You kiss and when you grope his crotch, nothing is hard.
  2. You straddle his waist but nothing rises to the occasion.
  3. You go down on him and find nothing but a softie.
  4. You GO DOWN ON HIM FOR 20 MINUTES and still find a softie. True story.
  5. No matter what you do, he never gets hard.  Also true story.

That’s your clue. Nothing gets hard. Or it gets hard then fades away quickly. Doesn’t bode well for bedroom activity.

And just so you don’t think I’m a total heartless bitch, let me point out that impotence can be a sign of serious medical illness so don’t ignore it, SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

In closing, I would like to say that I think honesty and full-disclosure is the best policy. Intimacy can be achieved many ways and not all of them involve penetration (although the best ones usually do).

Full disclosure just allows you to get creative with your bedroom skills and makes sure that there are NO HARD FEELINGS!

It’s not me, IT’S YOU!

michelleIt’s like me trying to lose my virginity ALL OVER AGAIN!

I went out with The Hunk.

Yes, he’s been a little absent from this blog, but he’s been lurking in the corners of my life.

If you remember, he’s the guy who “snuck it in” without a condom on when I WASN’T LOOKING – i.e. I was facing the other direction, get it?!

Anyway, I was NOT TOO COOL WITH THAT but since he is a hunk I decided to give him another chance.

BAD IDEA!

I take The Hunk into a bedroom to play and wind up giving him a blow job on a TOTALLY FLACCID tool for the better part of 20 minutes.

Finally, I give up and say, “Well, would you like to play with me for a while?”

RECIPROCATION, bro!

He says, “How about you play with yourself and I’ll watch!”

Fuck man, I can do that at home. I’m here for some action.

WHATEVER.

Clearly, he is a lazy lover.

Fast forward a few minutes, and I’m working on him again, desperately trying to get him hard enough to have sex.

I’m making noises.

I’m using my hands and my mouth.

And he gets semi erect so I slip on a condom. I was even nice and I added a drop of lube to it.

But the minute I mount up, he can’t get it up.

“It’s the condom,” he says. “We’ve done it without a condom before. . . “

“Not this time,” I tell him. “I’m calling it a night.”

“Hey babe, it’s not you. Please don’t worry that it’s you,” he says to me.

“Dude, it’s ALL YOU!” I want to say but I just nod and say “I know.”

Lesson learned: If you’re looking for a stunt cock, make sure the stunt cock you get, works!

Questionable behavior

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Guess who’s back?

Wine man.

Which Wine Man, you ask?

The Wine Man who took me out on an amazing date then I didn’t hear from him for over a month.  He finally asked me out again (or in, since he cooked dinner for me and we made chocolate covered strawberries together) and we went out again.

Then nothing.

A few texts here and there.

Basically he’s either a flake or he’s not that into me. And judging from our last experience together, not that into me is looking like the more plausible option.

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In any case, he texted me today asking me for another chance.

Me:  We never finished watching “Saving Mr. Banks.”

Him:  At this rate we never will!  Jesus.  I’m pretty sure I need to tend to your body in a way that you need it.

To give him another chance or not, that is the question.  Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous impotence….

Clearly he’s forgotten how our last date ended.

The one where she doesn’t get laid… AGAIN!

How can I tastefully write what I am about to write? That is the dilemma.

The night started out well. I got a phone call from one of the men I’m dating who I really like.

He wanted to cook me dinner and watch a movie at his place.

After about half a second of deliberation, I agreed. Because dinner and a movie at a guy’s house sounds like a great opportunity to connect. And get a little action.

And I needed a little action.

He cooked me fettuccini bolognese and fed me really expensive Domaine Carneros Pinot Noir.

We laughed. We joked. We told stories. We made chocolate covered strawberries.  Then we got down to business and started watching our movie.

I snuggled with him and enjoyed the simple pleasure of feeling  his 6’5″ body wrapped around mine. Sigh.

We began to make out.  He was a great kisser. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was considering doing the horizontal mambo with him.

“I like you. And I normally like to wait longer to get physical. But I’m open to the possibilities with you,” I told him.

“I like you too. And I want to respect your wishes. We don’t need to do anything tonight. I’m enjoying myself,” he replied.

Great answer.

Only I was a little too keen to get it on.  And we totally would have if only his equipment had worked….

So needless to say, despite my bad intentions, nothing happened last night. And I find it ironic that once again the universe has found a way to curtail my love life.

It’s like a conspiracy or something.