Me and Victoria’s Secret

Victoria’s Secret is waging a war to get me to spend my hard earned dollar bills on their crappy Chinese clothing.

They keep dangling a “Free $10 when you purchase $50” discount in my face everywhere. . .

. . .in my inbox, on Facebook – why they’re even tracking me in AdChoice.

Truthfully, I do look at Victoria’s Secret, despite the fact that I think they’re lingerie is shit and their clothing is cheaply made.

Also, nothing they make is in a size that will fit me.

Truth.

I look at Victoria’s Secret because I was once young too, and I still remember what it was like to have a young, nubile body that didn’t creak every time I blinked.

The Victoria’s Secret models are so beautiful.

It’s like looking at a shiny thing that with time, will dim and tarnish but still retains a little of that awe from when you first saw it.

Picture this:

It’s GORGEOUS strappy black lingerie, sold by Victoria’s Secret.

Something that you’ll slip into which will convey just that right amount of “I’m-a-dirty-girl-but-not-so-dirty-you-still-can’t-slip-a-ring-on-my-finger” attitude that you’ve been sporting lately.

But slipping into your lingerie feels more like trying to put on rubber panties and when you look in the mirror. . .

. . . you look like someone’s taken a hammer to a can of biscuits.

And it’s not looking so good for you.

Well. . . that’s me and Victoria’s Secret.