Crazies coming out of the woodwork

I’m back to internet dating.

Because I already know all the single burner men in my Village and none of them interest me beyond friendship (and visa versa).

And honestly, I really don’t meet many single men my own age when I’m out and about.

I meet students and professors but they’re all upwardly mobile and I am holding steady as a modest event planner.

So it’s internet dating.

I met a guy the other day.

He seemed lovely and we chatted via Skype.

I like to see people’s faces when I talk to them.

I get a really good idea of who they are and what interests them.

Much more so than texting.

So there I am skyping when he takes me into the bathroom with him.

Because he had to go pee.

I quickly excused myself.

It’s late.

Time to go.

But he calls me back when he’s done.

I talk to him for a few minutes then excuse myself, hang up, and get back online.

Suddenly I get a message from him ONLINE.

He sends me a pouty emoticon with the words, “Why are you online? Weren’t we just talking?”

Now, let me tell you this.

There is no room for possessiveness in my life.

I love my friends.

We kiss and hug all the time.

A jealous man will get NOWHERE with me.

Realizing this, I tell this guy that it’s probably best if we don’t go out.

What happened next was a flurry of passive-aggressive texts that he sent to me.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why don’t you like me?”

“Well, YOUR loss.”

“I’m not into you either.”

And blah, blah, blah.

So there you have it.

Back on internet dating for a week and already the crazies are coming out of the woodwork.

Dry Spell

It’s been a dry spring for me.

And by dry, I mean no dates.

Not that I’ve given up, mind you – just that I haven’t been actively pursuing dates like I did in the past.

It felt like I had a date every day of the week.

I lived on Tinder and POF.

Now?

Not so much.

I’ve given up the ghost of internet dating.

All I seem to find are porn addicts, foot worshipers, and men who want to have anal sex with me.

The pickings are pretty slim, if you ask me.

I can’t remember the last time I met someone authentic through one of those sites.

But there is The Swede.

I got lucky with him.

And by lucky, I mean that he is an amazing man.

It’s too bad he lives 5,000 miles away.

I’ve been getting out a lot anyway.

My friends make sure I stay busy and have fun with or without a date.

Mostly what I miss?

The flirtation.

Oh, I’d die to make eyes with someone from across the room all night long.

Or spend the night making clever flirty conversation with a man.

And let me tell you, I MISS KISSING.

And other things. . .

But we’re not going there because talking about it JUST MAKES IT WORSE.

My last relationship ended over 4 years ago and I figure it’s about time to usher in a new chapter of my life where I find someone amazing and couple up with him.

It is seriously time for this dry spell to END!

Growing up

I’ve had no dates since returning from Sweden.

It’s not that I’m consciously trying to be loyal to The Swede.

It’s because I simply can’t stomach the quality of men I meet online.

Did you know that one man thanked me for moving my beer on the first date because (as he put it), he “could see my tits better without the glass in the way?”

Mind you, I have behaved no better.

I’m no “holier than thou” woman.

Nope.

I sent dirty pictures.

I wore low cut dresses.

And I flirted with the best of them.

In the end, online dating is not any way to make a connection with somebody.

Although, I did meet The Swede on Tinder.

Go figure.

One in a fucking billion.

And I had to import him from ANOTHER COUNTRY!

You’d think, given my inclinations, that I’d be missing all those dates, and sexting, and flirtations.

But you’d be wrong.

I’m not missing it ONE BIT.

Maybe it’s because I can skype The Swede whenever I want.

But also?

It’s because I can TEXT The Swede whenever I want.

Kidding!

Maybe he’s a big part of why I’m happy, but he’s not the ONLY reason I’m happy.

I’ve got a hundred other reasons to be happy starting with my boys.

I guess this is growing up.

Panty dropping

So there I am, minding my own business on Tinder. .

Yes, on Tinder.

I’m not having sex but I’m still dating.

In any case, I get a message from a guy called Larry.

Larry sends me a GIF.

It’s a GIF of a woman from the waist down.

She’s standing in high heels and wearing a short skirt.

All of a sudden, her panties drop to the floor and she steps out of them.

THIS IS HIS FIRST COMMUNICATION WITH ME.

O. M. G.

Why do I always get the sex perverts and fuckwits?

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I insult him.

I write back “Thanks for dropping your panties for me. While I don’t usually go for men who wear ladies underwear, I’m willing to give it a shot. Would you like to wear my red panties or my black panties?”

It was the most obnoxious thing I could think of saying in response to such a stupid opening “line.”

His response?

Classic.

He closed the connection.

Yes!

I’m finally doing something right!

Save

Full

I’ve given up internet dating.

Again.

Yes, again again.

I’m aware I’ve done this in the past only to reverse my decision.

This time I think it will stick.

Why?

Because I don’t really think it’s the right venue for me to meet someone.

Everyone is disposable in internet dating.

No one matters because there’s another one ready to step up and take your place.

Also. . .

Because I’m seriously filled up with all my burner friends and family.

I don’t feel alone at all.

I actually feel rich and ripe with friendships right now.

So wish me luck out there in the real world.

If I don’t meet someone organically, so what?

I’ve got plenty to keep me full.

Good on paper, bad IRL

I’m constantly torn when I’m internet dating.

If I went out with every guy who showed interest in me, I’d be going out on two dates a night.

Instead, I go out with just the guys I’m attracted to.

That’s a MUCH smaller pool.

I’m just going to go ahead and admit that I almost exclusively use photos to select my dates.

I look for genuine smiles and broad shoulders.

Lately however, I’ve spent more time READING profiles.

And I’m torn.

Is it better to go out with someone you find unattractive whose profile speaks to you? Or is it better to go out with someone you’re simply attracted to, regardless of their profile?

So far, I haven’t had any luck going out with men I’m not attracted to and HOPING that an attraction develops.

Although I can talk myself into kissing just about anyone ONCE, it never pans out for me.

I always wind up caught up in an awkward embrace, trying to keep my lips from being hoovered off while he grabs at my ass like a baboon scratching its butt.

Occasionally I’m pleasantly surprised.

Like with Tony from Sweden who basically kissed me and made my toes curl.

We’re friends on Facebook.

[SMILE]

So I’m just curious, is it worth going out with men who look good on paper but maybe there’s less attraction IRL or should I keep plugging away at the men I find attractive?

Thoughts?

Save

Drink More, Care Less

Match is trying very hard to LURE ME BACK UNDER THE EVIL WING OF INTERNET DATING.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-07-43-pmThey send me emails with discounts combined with pictures of handsome men, all smiling at me, all looking oh-so-available and wholesome.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-08-01-pmWell, I’ve got news for Match.

I’m not looking for wholesome.

I like my men with a side of kink and an extra helping of naughty.

And yes, while it’s true I have a thing for LUMBERJACKS, I’m also beginning to realize I have a thing for burners as well.

And by “burners” I mean men who go to Burning Man, not necessarily 420-friendly.

Although after the passing of Prop 64 in California, I’m guessing that will be a lot more prevalent and socially acceptable now.

In any case, here I am facing the holidays alone and single (still) and wondering what I’m going to do about a New Year’s Eve date all the while Match is pinging me with carefully marketed emails designed to make me hopeful and optimistic about internet dating again.

id1Well, THEY FAIL.

I’d rather turn lesbian than return to the hell hole of internet dating.

Internet dating is like shooting fish in a barrel – sure, it gets the job done but it’s a messy business.

id2I wish I could trade my heart in for another liver.

So I could drink more and care less.

Roar to life

michelleIt’s been 3 months since I gave up internet dating and it’s time for me to admit. . .

I miss it.

A little.

I miss the excitement of those first few texts.

I miss the thrill of going on a first date.

I miss the anticipation of that first kiss.

Yeah sure, a lot about internet dating and first dates absolutely SUCKS.

The stink of rejection.

The boredom of no connection.

The stress of tying to impress.

But it’s not all bad.

I could use a bit of that secret little thrill you get when you meet someone you’re attracted to.

God, could I use some of that.

And, you know, how am I going to meet someone and hit it off with them if I’m not even looking?

Part of me seriously wonders if I’m going to wind up a lesbian.

After all, I meet tons of AWESOME women.

There was the nice, butch 49er fan I was attracted to BIG TIME, so it’s not like there’s no precedent.

But I think my preference is for men.

The other day I was driving my car and I saw a man standing on the side of the road, bending to grab something in a nearby hole. He was wearing jeans and a tight t-shirt. His hair was short and he had a beard.

I immediately felt this RUSH OF HORMONES.

And it made me realize. . .

I’m not dead.

I may feel like that part of my life has shriveled up and died, but it hasn’t.

It’s just waiting to roar to life.

NO Internet Dating!

It’s been nearly two months since I gave up internet dating and I must say, I’ve never been happier.

Oh sure, my love life has taken a hit, but I have a newfound appreciation for my role as a mother and daughter, friend and sister.

And with Burning Man and all the other activities I do, I’m certain that my time is being put to use in fun and exciting ways.

I’m positive I will die an old spinster, but I will not have missed out on living a rich life because of giving up internet dating.

Here is a list of all the things I can do with my spare time since I’m not absorbed with stroking the internet:

  • Visit my sister in Reno.
  • Take a trip to Hawaii with my boys.
  • Visit my family in Pollock Pines.
  • Hang out with my birthmom, sister, and brother in Santa Rosa.
  • Go great white shark diving (still a dream of mine, especially since a friend just did it).
  • Run another half marathon (I’ve done two already).
  • Explore my edges with Dante.
  • Cultivate the friendships I’ve made through Burning Man.
  • Get my pilot’s license.
  • Make beer.  On my own.  Using the knowledge I learned in my Brewmaking 101 and 102 classes.
  • See the ruins in Petra, Jordan and Machu Pichu, Peru.
  • Spend time with my dad (he’s 86 and blind).
  • Go to Vegas with Marina and Cynthia and have a TOTAL BLAST!
  • See Australia!
  • And so much more. . .

If you ask me, all these activities rate WAY HIGHER than sitting in front of a screen, texting dodgy men or going out on lots of first dates and kissing creepers.

If it wasn’t for the fact that every now and then, a body just needs to wrap itself around another body and seek release, I’d have no use for men at all.

None whatsoever. . .

 

Week 2 Without Internet Dating

michelle1I made it through week 2 without internet dating and I did just fine.

I don’t miss the ridiculous “hi” messages I’d get on a daily basis.

And I certainly don’t miss the “nice rack” messages I’d get from time to time.

Sure, it’s nice to hear from guys who think I’m beautiful, but I’m not addicted to forced compliments.

I have resigned myself to growing old alone.

It’s not so bad once you fill your life with everything else that’s valuable out there – children, adventures, a good job, family, and great friends.

Take for instance this week.

Instead of spending time texting disposable men, I had dinner and a nice chat with my friend Tejas.

Another night I hung out with my kids – those hilarious young men keep me in stitches.

And then I spent my Wednesday having dinner and going Bollywood dancing with my girlfriend Michelle.

Followed by the Barbra Streisand concert with my mom on Thursday.

And my son’s 15th birthday on Friday.

Saturday we celebrate his birthday with a dinner party.

And Sunday I see my friend Barbara just to catch up and shoot the shit.

Not a bad week, if you ask me.

Yeah, I miss some aspects of internet dating – the flirt, swapping photos, maybe even a few sexy texts. . . but I don’t miss all those useless first dates and lack of connection that result.

Oh, and I miss something else.

Good kisses that lead somewhere.

But I’m doing fine on my own.

Just fine.