Silver Lining

I’m stuck on the Anal Sex Guy.

And not in a good way.

I actually entered him into my phone as “Joe Anal Sex Guy” so that I don’t accidentally text him thinking he’s someone else.

Just in case he continues to text me, I’ll know to refuse to meet him.

I suppose I should be surprised that someone asked for something so intimate from me RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I certainly think his request was premature and also indicative that he has no idea how special something like that is.

It requires talent and skill.

Here he is asking right off the bat for something incredibly intimate with barely a thought as to the kind of trust that such an activity takes.

It’s mind boggling.

I attribute his ignorance (and misplaced enthusiasm) to the over-pornographication of men.

It feels like, as a woman, I’m being asked to engage in intimate activities with barely a thought as to my own safety and pleasure.

I feel like it’s all about the man and HIS pleasure.

Which doesn’t surprise me.

I’ve got news:  I may be a sexually active hot-blooded American woman, but I still deserve respect.

I feel like I need to quote Barbara here and say, “You’re asking for the benefits a wife provides when you’ve only bought yourself the girlfriend package.”

And it’s SO TRUE!

He’s reaching higher than his current relationship status of casual acquaintance allows.

Sometimes, men can be REALLY STUPID!

But at least I learned this ahead of time before investing days into communicating with him.

There is a silver lining.

Home run

It’s not like me to move slow and take it easy.

Although I am a relatively mellow woman, I find that when it comes to physical relationships I have two speeds:  grass growing and rocket blasting.

Yeah, when I make up my mind that I want some action from someone, it’s hard to stop me.

I do wish there was something besides ludicrous speed, maybe a gentle stroll or a brisk walk, to land me in bed with someone I really like.

To tell the truth, the new guy has slowed me down A LOT.

Everything we’ve done would be appropriate for a PG rated movie.

The few times I’ve tried to broach the topic with him, he changed the subject.

So I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to bring up physical intimacy.

And it presented itself:

So there you have it, I’m not going to jump his bones but I’m not going to inch along, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

I’m going to make my own perfect moment and take the new guy there with me.

As my friend Tom put it, “This is not some fuck boi with a coke can dick.”

Take my time.

Enjoy myself.

Don’t rush.

Be attentive.

And fucking pitch one perfect ball right over the plate so he can knock it right out of the park and have a roaring slide into home base.

That’ll do.

Sex Magic

So there’s a group called Sex Magic and I’m intrigued by them. According to their website they are about meditation, intimacy, self-exploration, sexuality, dating and relationships and ritual. That’s quite a load of topics to keep you busy.

They’ve hosted several meetings so far – including one on dating as a spiritual practice, one on conscious sensuality and a wildly popular one on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Let me repeat that.

One on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Now these are not two of my favorite topics, but I’m INSANELY curious about them. So curious, I would have attended the meeting, had I only known about it.

You might think this sounds a little hokey. And you may be right. But these meeting quite frequently have licensed psychotherapists and relationship coaches as part of the presentation and discussion.  The entire group is organized by a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Their next meeting is in February.

It’s called “Sex, Magic and Erotic Influence” and I’m going. Quite honestly, they had me at “sex”.

The seminar seeks to answer the questions:

What kind of erotic presence do you hold? 
What is the range and depth of you sexual embodiment?
What can you call forth from your lover?
What are your edges and how do they hold you back from expressing and enjoying your full erotic potential? 

Well, the last question is the kicker for me. Because if you were to ask me if I’m enjoying my full erotic potential, the answer would be “NOT AT ALL.”

Despite all the experiments I test out. Despite the OMing. And despite the blogging.

I can’t shake the feeling like there somehow should be more.

Like say a boyfriend?

Yeah, that might do it… getting a boyfriend.

Can Sex Magic help me with that?

Bad at Intimacy, Good at Insults

img_0649It probably comes as a surprise to most of you that I’ve been dating someone for over a year now.

Yes, we’ve been dating casually but not like no-strings-attached casual, more like friends-with-benefits casual.

For those of you who think I can’t do casual, THINK AGAIN.

Well, lately I’ve begun to realize how much I like him.

Like as a person he really makes me happy and I admire his creativity, dedication, and uniqueness.

I like him so much I spent the night with him.

This is something I almost NEVER do.

  1. Because I’ve slept so long by myself I have trouble sleeping with another body in bed next to mine.
  2. Because sleeping next to someone else seems so intimate, I’ve been reluctant to do it.

The morning after, we went to go get breakfast and I tried to tell him that I liked him.

This is how it came out:

“You know how I haven’t spent the night up until now and I told you it was because I don’t like my family, my boys, knowing my business? Well that’s not entirely true. I could’ve spent the night but didn’t want to. Because to me you were just a casual friends with benefits and I didn’t want the intimacy of spending the night with you. Ummmmm. . . what I’m trying to say is that I spent the night because I do like you.”

Oh.

Way to blow it, chickie!

First I tell him he was just a fuck then I tell him I didn’t want to share any true intimacy with him.

Bad Michelle.

Fortunately, I think he heard through all the garbage talk to hear “I do like you” and took that to the bank.

So there you have it.

Michelle – bad at intimacy, good at insults.

Cuddle Puddle

cuddleI’m pretty sure my first experience in a cuddle puddle was at a HAI Level 1 retreat at Harbin Hot Springs.

There was a break in the activity and some of us opted to lay down on a pile of pillows.

Snuggling and cuddling just happened.

Try to imagine prickly, stuffy old me being invited into a cuddle puddle with a bunch of relaxed, down-to-earth people.

But I’ll try anything and so I did.

I laid down with virtual strangers and gave myself over to the experience.

And it was amazing.

Now I know it’s hard to picture me enjoying snuggling.

Everyone knows I’m an action girl and I scoff at snuggling (at least until after the main event).

But this appealed to me.

The smiling. The hand holding. The gentle touches. The bodies cuddled up to mine.

I was relaxed and enjoying myself.

Fast forward eight years and I’m at SoulFire in a cuddle puddle with two women and a man.

Same result.

Relaxing, snuggling, cuddling, soft sensation.

It was all too brief but satisfying.

So here I am looking at my inbox today and there’s a new invitation to a Santa Clara cuddle puddle.

Do I want to go?

Hell yes.

Then what’s stopping me?

Probably the fear that it won’t be my scene. That I won’t feel a connection to any of the people there.

Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of the person I might become if I finally let my hunger for intimacy out into the open without the post-coital justification there to mitigate it.

Maybe I’ll have to admit there’s more to intimacy than just sex.

And that I am woefully BAD AT IT.

Maybe…

 

Sex Magic

So there’s a group called Sex Magic and I’m intrigued by them. According to their website they are about meditation, intimacy, self-exploration, sexuality, dating and relationships and ritual. That’s quite a load of topics to keep you busy.

They’ve hosted several meetings so far – including one on dating as a spiritual practice, one on conscious sensuality and a wildly popular one on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Let me repeat that.

One on female ejaculation and prostate massage.

Now these are not two of my favorite topics, but I’m INSANELY curious about them. So curious, I would have attended the meeting, had I only known about it.

You might think this sounds a little hokey. And you may be right. But these meeting quite frequently have licensed psychotherapists and relationship coaches as part of the presentation and discussion.  The entire group is organized by a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Their next meeting is in February.

It’s called “Sex, Magic and Erotic Influence” and I’m going. Quite honestly, they had me at “sex”.

The seminar seeks to answer the questions:

What kind of erotic presence do you hold? 
What is the range and depth of you sexual embodiment? 
What can you call forth from your lover? 
What are your edges and how do they hold you back from expressing and enjoying your full erotic potential? 

Well, the last question is the kicker for me. Because if you were to ask me if I’m enjoying my full erotic potential, the answer would be “NOT AT ALL.”

Despite all the experiments I test out. Despite the OMing. And despite the blogging.

I can’t shake the feeling like there somehow should be more.

Like say a boyfriend?

Yeah, that might do it… getting a boyfriend.

Can Sex Magic help me with that?