Juice cleanse FAIL

So my day was supposed to go like this:

7 am – drink 16 oz water

8 am – drink 16 oz green drink

9 am – drink 16 oz water with smoothie mix in it.

10 am to 12 pm – drink 24 – 48 oz water

12 pm – drink 16 oz green drink

And we’ll just stop there since I didn’t make it very far in the regime.


7 am – sleep

8 am – sleep

9 am – wake up and drink 16 oz water

9:30 am – choke down 16 oz of green drink (a mixture of lettuce, parsley, collard green, and apple juices).  Almost vomit twice.  Debate my ability to complete a juice cleanse as I’m dry heaving over the sink.  Commence peeing every 10 minutes.

10 am – attempt to dissolve smoothie mix in it.  Mix won’t dissolve.  Decide it must be sand and pumice since that’s what it looks like.  Manage to drink it down and keep it down.  Feel very impressed with self.  Pee at least five time in an hour.  Feel like kidneys are floating away from me.

10:30 am – drink 48 oz of water.  Discover that drinking this much water makes it hard to OM since you have to pee ALL THE TIME.

11 am – OM.  Manage to get through it peeing three times.

11:30 am – drink tasty juice drink made fresh by OM friend.  Decide that his juice is much better than the garbage I’m gagging on.

12 pm – go home to have another green drink.  Discover homemade biscuits for my boys.  Eat one cheesy,butterfly biscuit.  Feel slightly guilty but can’t stomach any more green drink.

So I can sum up my experience on a juice cleanse in one sentence:

Homemade biscuit – 1, juice cleanse – 0

Juice cleanse SUX

So I started my juice cleanse today and already I can tell that juice cleanse and I are not going to get along well.

It’s not that I will miss chewing my food.

And it’s not that I have an objection to drinking all my meals (hello vodka cranberry).

It’s because the stuff I’m supposed to drink tastes like a field of weeds blended up and thrown into a bottle.

Y U C K Y !

I’m struggling already and I’ve only been doing it 15 minutes.  I get that it’s organic.  I get that it’s healthy for me.  But does heathy and organic have to taste so bad?

The instructions it comes with pretty much have me drinking round the clock.  Which I don’t mind if it’s a cocktail but I do mind when it’s green sludge.

So really, I should be taking bets on how long I’ll last on this cleanse before I break down and eat the Oreo cake that’s in my fridge.

Yes, it’s healthy.  Yes, it’s good for me.  Yes, it’s organic and raw.

But does it have to trigger my gag reflex every time I take a sip?

Juice Cleanse?

I’m not sure when juice cleanses became so ubiquitous.  A quick google search turns up a Huffington Post article on how people are swapping their trip to the coffee shop for a trip to the juice bar.  Everyone is going green as a way to detox their body.

Now, I’m skeptical that anything you do on a temporary basis to your body will have a long term impact on it, but okay, I’m open minded.  I have a friend Amy, a very smart friend, a very loving friend, a very NORMAL friend, who tried a juice cleanse.  Of course her juice cleanse was lemon juice, water, and a little something extra we like to call cayenne pepper.

She was trapped in a cabin in Alaska at the time of her cleanse and all she’ll say about it is, “I was very VERY cranky.”

Yeah, I’d be cranky too with my stomach lining all irritated with cayenne pepper.  I just hope their loo was indoors.

I have another friend Michelle, who frequently goes on an elimination diet to get her health back in order.  Again, a very smart, very loving, and very normal human being.  She swears that she feels a huge different in her health and her energy when she’s on an elimination diet.

So what’s the big whoop-de-doo about juice cleanses?

Well, I’m about to find out because I just bought a 3-day juice cleanse from Groupon.

Now I’m not sure if 3 days is long enough to feel results. But I am sure that I can probably keep up a juice diet for 3 days and likely not much longer.

I’ll miss chewing.