Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

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The Korean Spa

I’ve got all these plans to pamper myself and get beach ready for Florida.

Of the treatments I have scheduled, the one I am most excited about is my scrub.

You’d think that a scrub is no big deal, but you’d be SO WRONG.

Because at the Korean Spa, you get scrubbed by women in black bras and underwear wearing raw silk mitts while you lay on a wet vinyl bed and get buckets of warm water thrown on you.

Noodles of DEAD SKIN come off your body.

I honestly LOVE/HATE the experience because the technician always clucks at me like I’m not doing enough to stay clean and exfoliated and she SHOWS ME THE PILES OF DEAD SKIN SHE’S SCRAPED OFF ME.

It’s thrilling and disgusting at the same time.

After Barbara gets a scrub at the Korean Spa, she likes to say she’s the cleanest she’s ever been.

Indeed, fresh as a daisy and soft as a baby’s bottom.

I MAY have tacked on a 45 minute massage after my scrub.

Because what’s better after getting your skin exfoliated than to get a nice baby oil massage?

I know, I know.

It sounds kinda kinky.

And it is.

That’s probably why I like it so much.

Pretty comes with a price tag

Let’s face it, beauty is a multi-BILLION dollar industry.

People make their ENTIRE CAREER out of creating beauty.

And though I believe that our views of beauty need to be broadened, I can’t help but also feel thankful that there are people who focus on making others feel good and look good.

We’ve established that I’m the quintessential consumer.

I impulse buy.

Shopping for me is entertainment.

The one thing I haven’t mentioned on my blog yet is the steps I go through to get ready for a trip, particularly one which involves the company of a handsome (and perhaps Swedish) man.

So, Florida.

I’m getting five beauty services to prepare for my trip.

First, I’m getting a Korean scrub and massage at the Korean spa.

If you haven’t read “Wet vinyl beds and belly fat” then you need to.

It tells you all about my experience at the Korean spa, which I equate to heaven.

Imagine getting noodles of dead skin off your body via the most exquisite raw silk full-body scrub.

Second.

I’m getting my hair colored.

I mean, is there anything more of a pick me up than a fresh head of hair color?

Third, and this one is KEY, I’m getting a SPRAY TAN.

Because let’s face it, if I can’t tone it then I might as well tan it, am I right?

Finally, I’ve got to get my mani/pedi freshened up.

Because nothing is worse than chipped nail polish while on vacation.

Okay, there are worse things, but not in the limited realm of beauty treatments.

So there you have it, my five beauty treatments I’m CRAMMING into two days to get myself ready for Florida.

Man, I hope he notices. . .

Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

Wet vinyl beds and belly fat

michelle1This post starts with a wet vinyl bed and ends with belly fat on my forehead.  What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the Korean spa… my most favorite place to go to get a scrub and a massage.

It’s a very basic treatment facility.  There’s little to no luxury but there are amazing treatments.  The body scrub in particular is amazing.  You start out lying naked spreadeagled on a wet vinyl bed.  A woman wearing a black bra and underwear throws buckets of warm water on you then starts to scrub you with her hands, covered in raw silk mitts.  It sounds crazy, but literally noodles of dead skin come off your body.

My technician this weekend was wearing a red bra and underwear.  She laughed at me a lot as I slipped and slid all over the vinyl bed.  Sometimes she would slap my ass or my thigh to get me to roll over.  There were times I was clutching the bed, desperate not to fall off.  I rotated like a rotisserie chicken on that bed until I’d been fully exfoliated twice.  Everything was exfoliated too.  This is a 100% naked treatment.  Not for those who blush easily.

After that, it was time for my massage.  My tech squirted baby oil all over me and proceeded to give me a very vigorous rub.  At one point, she was standing by my head and leaned over my body and I could feel her belly fat on my forehead.  When in Rome, you know….

I know it sounds a little odd.  I think perhaps you have to have a different cultural mindset than the standard “nudity-is-bad” American attitude.  Most of my friends swear they could never do this.  If I knew anyone who would go with me, I would take them.  The end result is glistening, gleaming, glowing, soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom skin and I for one, am sold.

Hanging at the Korean Spa with the girls

I took a trip to the Korean spa with Barbara and Rani.  Both of them had gone in the past and we all wanted to go again.  It’s always more fun to go with friends than it is to go alone.

We started out the usual way,,, by brushing our teeth, showering, and basically scrubbing the heck out of our skin.  Cleanliness is godliness at the Korean Spa.

Then we soaked in the warm bath, which is like a hot tub.  The hot bath is nearly intolerable and the cold plunge is frigid.  I spent my time going from the warm bath to the cold plunge and back.

I love the sensation of my body thawing out in the warm bath after a long cold plunge.

I also like how a dip in the cold plunge leaves me breathless.

We all got our scrubs at the same time.  We all got buckets of water thrown on us.  And they for sure slapped us around a little bit.  But it was amazing to see the dead skin roll off us like noodles.  Amazing and disgusting.  I kept trying to flick the pills of dead skin off the vinyl bed I was laying on.

Yes, I was on a slippery vinyl bed covered in soapy water.  Can you say slip and slide?

After our treatments, which Rani agreed were pretty good but pretty basic, we sat in the steam room and just relaxed and chatted until we were all ready to head to the locker room.

All in all, I had a fantastic time.  I even talked Barbara into having some pho with me at a nearby restaurant.  There’s nothing quite like a hot bowl of soup when it’s cold outside and you’ve just spent the evening soaking in a hot tub and getting the daylights scrubbed out of you.  Followed by a vigorous massage, naturally.  All for $80.

I was boneless.

Happy.

Soft.

What’s on tap…

I’ve been thinking about my next set of activities to take on.

Besides needing to scour Groupon for specials, I’ve come up with the following list:

  • Eat at Manresa
  • See Niagara Falls and get wet
  • See Bruce Springsteen
  • Go to a U2 concert
  • Take a tour of Alcatraz
  • Take a tour of the Winchester Mystery House (I’ve never been)
  • Fly a single engine Cessna again
  • Go to the Korean Spa, again
  • Great White Shark dive
  • Eat at a Burmese restaurant
  • Go to Supper Club in SF
  • See a transvestite show
  • Go to  strip club
  • Drive down Highway 1
  • Drive up Highway 1
  • Go to a book reading
  • Go to an art museum
  • Learn to surf
  • Fly in an acrobatic plane doing stunts
  • Camp in Yosemite
  • Go wine tasting in Napa/Paso Robles
  • Go to the Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz
  • Enjoy an Irish Coffee at the Buena Vista
  • Take sailing lessons
  • Learn to brew beer at Workshop SF
  • Get a new tattoo

And that’s a pretty good start for me.  I think I’ll start with driving up and down Highway 1.  I love to stop along the way at any place that suits my fancy – like the Olema Farm House in Olema or the Hog Island Oyster Company in Marshall, or Nepenthe in Big Sur.  So much to see and experience.  Time to get cracking!

 

Wet vinyl beds and belly fat

WilshireSpa-9This post starts with a wet vinyl bed and ends with belly fat on my forehead.  What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the Korean spa… my most favorite place to go to get a scrub and a massage.

It’s a very basic treatment facility.  There’s little to no luxury but there are amazing treatments.  The body scrub in particular is amazing.  You start out lying naked spreadeagled on a wet vinyl bed.  A woman wearing a black bra and underwear throws buckets of warm water on you then starts to scrub you with her hands, covered in raw silk mitts.  It sounds crazy, but literally noodles of dead skin come off your body.

My technician this weekend was wearing a red bra and underwear.  She laughed at me a lot as I slipped and slid all over the vinyl bed.  Sometimes she would slap my ass or my thigh to get me to roll over.  There were times I was clutching the bed, desperate not to fall off.  I rotated like a rotisserie chicken on that bed until I’d been fully exfoliated twice.  Everything was exfoliated too.  This is a 100% naked treatment.  Not for those who blush easily.

After that, it was time for my massage.  My tech squirted baby oil all over me and proceeded to give me a very vigorous rub.  At one point, she was standing by my head and leaned over my body and I could feel her belly fat on my forehead.  When in Rome, you know….

I know it sounds a little odd.  I think perhaps you have to have a different cultural mindset than the standard “nudity-is-bad” American attitude.  Most of my friends swear they could never do this.  If I knew anyone who would go with me, I would take them.  The end result is glistening, gleaming, glowing, soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom skin and I for one, am sold.