Latex Farts be Damned

I’ve been thinking about the ABC Party a lot lately and wondering WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO WEAR?

I don’t really have the time to learn how to craft something out of paper, plastic, or cardboard.

What’s a girl to do?

Why, LATEX of course!

You know, that stuff that the Kardashians wear on a regular basis which is TECHNICALLY used by doctor’s performing surgery. . .

You have to POWDER your body to slip into it.

I once bought a few pairs of latex panties and the pain of putting them on was only eclipsed by the utter and complete DISASTER of trying to get them off (to a chorus of latex “balloon” farts).

It’s NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to peel them off your body when it’s moist, is what I’m saying.

So I know what I’m getting into when I say I’m thinking of buying an all latex outfit for this shindig.

The thing that I really like about this outfit is that it reminds me of Trinity in The Matrix.

Could there be any cooler chick in the universe?

So the bottom line is I am SERIOUSLY considering wearing an ALL LATEX outfit to the ABC Party.

Latex farts be damned!

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.

Latex farts

Etsy has a feature where it takes your browsing history and makes “suggestions” for other things you might like.

I’ve always enjoyed this feature since I get to see things similar to what I search for but that I never found.

Pretty cool.

So imagine my surprise when, given my recent “pasties” browsing session, etsy started suggesting latex clothes for me to wear.

Really?

Isn’t the leap from pasties to latex lingerie a bit far?

Of course, I had my own adventure with latex underwear to, as I like to call it, “a chorus of latex farts.”

Despite this, I actually LIKE latex.

However I doubt that it will look stunningly awesome on me.

More like a sausage poured into a cocktail straw – it’s all in there but it’s spilling out and busting at the seams.

Nevertheless, here are some of the looks etsy thinks I *might* like:

latex latex
latex latex

 

I sincerely doubt that latex is a good “fabric” for the playa.

All that heat and that dust must make for sticky fun – hence “a chorus of latex farts.”

I think I’m better off with clothes that breathe and are made of natural fibers.

But oh latex. . . how I do love thee!

If I could wear you, I would.

Latex Panties: The Reality, reposted

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.

Latex Panties: The Reality

latexMy latex panties (this exact pair) arrived in the mail and looked like the biggest pair of knickers I’d ever seen.

Be prepared. If you order latex panties online they’re going to look like something your grandma might wear. Minus the whole latex thing, of course because your grandma’s not a freak like that.

I tried to slip into them. It sounded like an orgy of latex balloons rubbing up against each other.

It was absolutely hilarious!

It took me about five minutes to work the panties up my legs and I was cringing the whole time because I sunburned my ass on vacation and the latex dragged against my legs.

Finally, I got them up.

And my butt is either bigger than I remember or I put the panties on the wrong way. My ass hung out for miles.

How did it look?

Not too shabby. I definitely like the look of latex.

The story doesn’t end here though, oh no! You see the other part about wearing latex panties is having to take them off.

I made a tiny little tourniquet with them as I rolled them down my legs. Inch by inch, with the wonderful latex-on-hot-skin sound playing the entire way down.

In the end, I had a tidy little figure eight of latex handcuffing my ankles together.

No one told me this would happen.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

If I was fooling around with someone and he went to remove my panties, he’d have to yank them down my body to a chorus of rubber farts.

Definitely NOT sexy.

But perhaps it doesn’t matter. I mean after all, you’re wearing latex undies and that’s pretty damn sexy.