White Cloud

michelleSo I had an assignment from my Life Coach to write an I Am statement and basically describe myself as clearly as possible. So I wrote it.

It contained some good stuff, but it also contained things like bitch, irresponsible, and snobby.

As a comparison, I asked my friends and family to use words to describe me in a post on Facebook and I got a flush of responses.

All beautiful, poignant words that I would LOVE to describe myself as.

Words like white cloud, adventurous, strong, loving, gentle, kind, and empowered. For the whole list, see below:

  • Goddess
  • Generous
  • Creative
  • White Cloud
  • Gorgeous
  • Lovely
  • Sweet
  • Michelle
  • Vivacious
  • Sexy
  • Embodied
  • Secure
  • Self-assured
  • Seductive
  • Sparkly
  • Passionate
  • Loving
  • Loves to explore new things
  • Great self-esteem
  • Expressive
  • Compassionate
  • Caring
  • Amazing
  • Enchanting
  • Alluring
  • Breathtaking
  • Protective
  • Authentic
  • Paramount
  • Compassionate
  • Empathetic
  • Damn fine burner
  • Conscientious
  • Accepting of others
  • Rush
  • Tenacious
  • Giving
  • Adventurous
  • Goddess
  • Daring
  • Adventurous
  • Vibrant
  • Bold
  • Vulnerable
  • Compassionate
  • Authentic
  • Sexy
  • Smart
  • Stellar
  • Fearless
  • Empowered

What I learned from this exercise is that no one is harder on me than I am on myself. And perhaps, just maybe, I’m actually much closer to being the person who I want to be than I think.

I’ve always wanted to be brave, and strong, and adventurous.  And it appears that I am more like that than I previously thought.

And who doesn’t want to be described as breathtaking, alluring, enchanting, and gorgeous?

So take a minute before you criticize yourself and think of all the wonderful qualities that you possess.

Then maybe, like me, you can pause for a moment in your self-criticism and feel immensely, totally, in awe with yourself.

BEHAVE!

I used to have a life coach.

He was good for some things but he was also very CHRISTIAN and would talk about Jesus a lot.

I wanted coaching grounded in reality, not religion so I wound up ending my coaching sessions.

One thing my coach said is that we attract the energy that we put out there.

In a way, I believe this to be true.

So I’m just wondering, what is the energy I’m putting out when I get this message from a new “friend” on Facebook (someone I’ve never met but approved because we have a mutual friend)?

Now.

How tacky is he for opening up a conversation with a brand new acquaintance with “when did u last sleep with someone?”

I immediately blocked him on Facebook and felt rather satisfied with my swift and strong response to his disgusting behavior.

But I did pause for a second and wonder – just what is wrong with my own energy that I seem to INVITE these kinds of conversations?

Am I doing something wrong?

I’m trying to walk the straight and narrow and behave myself and yet I keep getting sucked back into fringe conversations and activities.

How do I get back on track and attract the right kind of people into my life?

I’m trying to BEHAVE!

FWB vs LTR

MichelleIt seems like everyone I meet these days is either a friend (with benefits), or just a person passing briefly through my life.

I am flush with FWB but fresh out of LTRs.

My life coach has advised me to abstain from FWB relationships and wait for the right person to come along.

In theory, I like the idea.

In practice, I hate it.

Who knows where my significant other is? If I were to hazard a guess, I’d suspect he is dallying with his FWBs wondering where the heck I am.

But this brings up a good question… do FWB relationships interfere with meeting the Right One? Do they distract you too much from the goal of meeting someone really special who will hold a place in your heart?

I’d like to say no, but lord knows I’ve fallen for more than one of my FWB even though I knew we had no long term relationship potential.

On the other hand, it’s hard to be single all the time and not get any affection from a partner. Having a FWB could keep you satisfied and prevent you from throwing yourself at the wrong person just because you’re so damn lonely.

Perhaps if I was a more solitary person.

Perhaps if I was less gregarious and social.

Perhaps if my hormones were toned down.

Then I could abstain from frisky business with my FWBs and my reliance on my FWBs would be diminished so I could meet someone special.

Perhaps, but I’m not holding my breath.

White Cloud

michelleSo I had an assignment from my Life Coach to write an I Am statement and basically describe myself as clearly as possible. So I wrote it.

It contained some good stuff, but it also contained things like bitch, irresponsible, and snobby.

As a comparison, I asked my friends and family to use words to describe me in a post on Facebook and I got a flush of responses.

All beautiful, poignant words that I would LOVE to describe myself as.

Words like white cloud, adventurous, strong, loving, gentle, kind, and empowered. For the whole list, see below:

  • Goddess
  • Generous
  • Creative
  • White Cloud
  • Gorgeous
  • Lovely
  • Sweet
  • Michelle
  • Vivacious
  • Sexy
  • Embodied
  • Secure
  • Self-assured
  • Seductive
  • Sparkly
  • Passionate
  • Loving
  • Loves to explore new things
  • Great self-esteem
  • Expressive
  • Compassionate
  • Caring
  • Amazing
  • Enchanting
  • Alluring
  • Breathtaking
  • Protective
  • Authentic
  • Paramount
  • Compassionate
  • Empathic
  • Damn fine burner
  • Conscientious
  • Accepting of others
  • Rush
  • Tenacious
  • Giving
  • Adventurous
  • Goddess
  • Daring
  • Adventurous
  • Vibrant
  • Bold
  • Vulnerable
  • Compassionate
  • Authentic
  • Sexy
  • Smart
  • Stellar
  • Fearless
  • Empowered

What I learned from this exercise is that no one is harder on me than I am on myself. And perhaps, just maybe, I’m actually much closer to being the person who I want to be than I think.

I’ve always wanted to be brave, and strong, and adventurous.  And it appears that I am more like that than I previously thought.

And who doesn’t want to be described as breathtaking, alluring, enchanting, and gorgeous?

So take a minute before you criticize yourself and think of all the wonderful qualities that you possess.

Then maybe, like me, you can pause for a moment in your self-criticism and feel immensely, totally, in awe with yourself.

Men and the woodwork

MichelleSince I’ve been BANNED FROM DATING I’ve been asked out on 3 dates.

First there’s Jeremy, who is a Land Surveyor. He lives in Livermore, has two kids and likes to ride his bicycle 60 miles at a stretch. Jeremy is a recovering alcoholic.

Then there’s Max. Max is a 6’4” contractor living in the bay area. He has one son and is also a recovering alcoholic.

And lastly there’s Tony. Ah, Tony. Tony is also 6’4”. Tony is not an alcoholic. He has no kids and he’s a professional chef turned sheet metal foreman. He has three older sisters and lord knows I love a man with sisters. He also has biceps that make me swoon.

If I was a 4 yesterday, I’m a 6 today so the trend is increasing.

I do find it ironic though that when I’m at a 4 (out of 15) I seem to attract recovering alcoholics*.

Ummm…. what does that say about MY ENERGY if it’s similar to a recovering alcoholic?

I can practically HEAR my life coach lecturing me!

I TOLD YOU SO!

 

* Which isn’t to say that all recovering alcoholics are 4s. I’m sure there at 15s out there. I’m just attracting the 4s.

Banned from Dating

michelleI’m taking you off the ice.

That’s what my life coach said when he temporarily BANNED ME FROM DATING.

According to him, my energy is low. It’s a 4 out of 15. No one should be dating when they’re a 4. They will only attract other 4s.

He’s a big believer in quantum physics.

I’m only a 4 because I got dumped. Does it seem fair that the person who dumped me and made me feel crappy now gets to impact my recovery vis a vis ruining my energy and getting me BANNED FROM DATING?

Well shit balls.

While I agree with the idea that someone who is a 4 out of 15 is probably not going to be the best of dates, I also think that the idea of giving up entirely, of taking oneself out of the game isn’t necessarily what I want to do either.

I’m not one to sit and wallow in my sorrows. I’m more likely to vent on this blog or on Facebook to get my aggressions out.

But the truth is I don’t feel like doing any of that. I just feel like moving on with my life.

And I can’t do that now because I’m BANNED FROM DATING.

Just as soon as I go on this date tonight….

Yes, that’s right. I got BANNED FROM DATING the same day that I have a date.

Nice.

I can’t help but wonder, is he a 4 like me, a semi broken, dejected man looking for a special connection? Or is he a perfect 15 who will reject my 4-someness?

Ah, the things we think when our life coach gets in our head and starts meddling.

You could’ve knocked me over with a feather

MichelleUnder the advisement of my life coach Chris, I wrote a letter to my ex-husband and hand delivered it to him on Sunday.

It was a momentous letter where I admitted I’d been a shoddy co-parent and thanked him for the wonderful 10 year relationship that we had which gave me the two greatest gifts I could ask for – my sons.

I wasn’t expecting much of a response from my ex. Perhaps silence. Perhaps an “I told you so”.

Instead I got a “Thank you for the card and kind words.”

I was stunned.

We had a brief but pleasant exchange.

And suddenly I’m filled with hope that he and I can model something better than a dysfunctional divorce to our kids.

Is it really as simple as Chris makes it out to be?

That in the end, it’s how you frame it that matters?

You look at the positives, you get a positive interaction. You look at the negatives, you get a negative interaction.

Here’s to many more positive interactions between me and the boys’ father.

Woop!

Coaching

MichelleSeeing as how all the men I seem to meet are married, in open relationships, commitment phobes, perverts, fuckwits, or assholes, I’ve gone and hired myself a life coach.

Not just any coach.

I’ve hired Chris, who has worked with my friend Jeanne and a few other friends to help them get their lives in order to great success.

I’m not sure how this coaching thing works, but I’m pleased that my coach is a man and can give me the male perspective on what is wrong with my love life.

I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell me that I am my own problem.

  • I OM
  • I’m going to Burning Man
  • I have friends in alternative lifestyles
  • I take sexuality classes

I’m sure my coach will make me work on myself.

Inventory all my past relationships.

Account for my own behavior with men, which I’m sorry to say I’ve grown accustomed to giving it back as good as I’m getting it.

All I am looking for is one good man, who is monogamous, funny, generous, and has time for me.

Tall and handsome would be fine by me too.

So be prepared for this blog to change a little and chronicle some of the exercises and activities I go through as I remodel this human being that is Michelle.