Mini Lingerie Haul

How long has it been since I had a LINGERIE HAUL?

It’s been a while, that’s how long.

My last haul was a bunch of lingerie for my boudoir photo shoot in 2014.

SIX YEARS of restraint and moderation!

Well, that went out the window today.

Basically SOMEONE (and I’m not saying who) is seeing me naked and (you know me) I want to be slowly stripped of my sexy lingerie piece by piece.

I fell in love with this yellow set but couldn’t justify the $100 price tag on it:

So I did a search for yellow lingerie and I came across this lovely set for a quarter of the price:

I also picked up a lingerie set in red:

And a white bra (since my current favorite white bra is looking a little grey from all the washings):

I did find the lovely neon pink lingerie set which I wanted to buy but since it’s a PUSH UP bra, the largest cup size it comes in is a C-cup!

Imagine me stuffing my G’s into a C-cup!

I think not.

So there you have it. . .

. . . a mini lingerie haul for me to thrill my partner.

Taste the rainbow

Valentine’s Day has got me all hot and bothered.

But not for a date.

No.

I’m binging on lingerie AGAIN, because I haven’t bought any in such a long time so in typical fashion I am TOTALLY throwing myself into it.

Today I shopped the rainbow of lingerie:

 

Oh, shopping for lingerie is SO DANGEROUS!

I’m sorely tempted to buy a shit ton of lingerie to wear to Burning Man.

Because my fellow burners really need to see me rocking boyshorts and a matching bralette.

Right?

Which ones should I collect?

Lingerie for Valentine’s Day

Despite my obvious hostility towards Valentine’s Day, I would never let the opportunity pass me to buy a little bit of lingerie.

Under my onesie for the Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl, should I wear:

1.  This hot little red number?

2.  This sexy black teddy?

3.  This SUPER sexy chemise?

4.  This blood red babydoll?

5.  Dunno what this is, but it’s hawt!

6.  This sultry number?

7.  An oxblood-colored nightdress (who needs sleep)?

8.  Red AND black, the best of both worlds?

9.  A strappy little black teddy with garters?

10.  Classic red and black bra, panties and matching garter belt?

11.  Nippies, and nothing else?

12. A heavenly little bohemian number?

What do you think I should wear (just in case I get lucky)?

Pasties and Age Limits

I’ve been shopping for Burning Man.

Again.

It’s seriously a never-ending saga with me.

And it’s all because I love make believe.

Costuming.

Putting together outfits for a special event.

The thing about Burning Man is that it can get hot.

Real hot.

Especially during the day.

So I’ve been looking into buying lingerie to wear as clothing.

Give me a teddy and some cut off jean shorts and color me happy.

The problem is (or maybe it’s not a problem at all given my exhibitionist proclivities) my nipples show through the thin lace fabric.

Hmmm.

What’s a gal to do when she has nipples showing through her teddy at Burning Man.

Nothing (technically)!

It’s all a-ok.

But for someone who doesn’t want to have her nipples stared at the obvious solution is pasties.

Pasties are basically a sticker that you put over your nipples to cover them up but still reveal your beautiful breasts.

In my lifetime I have bought half a dozen pairs of pasties and I’ve worn them exactly ZERO times.

It’s because as much as I want to look sexy, I’m not quite confident enough to pull them off.

I remind myself I’ve nursed 3 babies.

And I’m 45 years old.

Pasties are for 20-something year olds who have yet to ravage their bodies through bearing children.

Don’t pasties come with an age limit?

Sort of like those rides at the amusement park. . .

Your breasts must be THIS PERKY to wear these pasties.

Or some such nonsense.

It’s only because walking around topless in the heat at Burning Man sounds so liberating that I’m even CONSIDERING buying them again.

Maybe I’ll buy pasties, maybe I won’t.

Ultimately, I have to wear what I’m comfortable in and it seems I’m not quite ready to go there yet.

But hey, if I do?

You’ll see it here on unblunder first!

Me and Victoria’s Secret

Victoria’s Secret is waging a war to get me to spend my hard earned dollar bills on their crappy Chinese clothing.

They keep dangling a “Free $10 when you purchase $50” discount in my face everywhere. . .

. . .in my inbox, on Facebook – why they’re even tracking me in AdChoice.

Truthfully, I do look at Victoria’s Secret, despite the fact that I think they’re lingerie is shit and their clothing is cheaply made.

Also, nothing they make is in a size that will fit me.

Truth.

I look at Victoria’s Secret because I was once young too, and I still remember what it was like to have a young, nubile body that didn’t creak every time I blinked.

The Victoria’s Secret models are so beautiful.

It’s like looking at a shiny thing that with time, will dim and tarnish but still retains a little of that awe from when you first saw it.

Picture this:

It’s GORGEOUS strappy black lingerie, sold by Victoria’s Secret.

Something that you’ll slip into which will convey just that right amount of “I’m-a-dirty-girl-but-not-so-dirty-you-still-can’t-slip-a-ring-on-my-finger” attitude that you’ve been sporting lately.

But slipping into your lingerie feels more like trying to put on rubber panties and when you look in the mirror. . .

. . . you look like someone’s taken a hammer to a can of biscuits.

And it’s not looking so good for you.

Well. . . that’s me and Victoria’s Secret.

 

Don’t laugh

….at least don’t laugh harder than me!The lingerie I ordered online arrived in the mail just in time to mock my single status. If you could anthropomorphize a chemise or pee-a-boo babydoll, they would be sticking their tongues out at me, crossing their eyes, and yelling “neener neener neener!”

Here’s a snapshot of the lingerie (and red glitter heels which match my Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz outfit):

photo-30

And this is what made me laugh so hard I almost cried. My uber-gorgeous lingerie with matching microscopic thongs (WTF!!!) didn’t come in wrapping paper. Or tissue. Or little silk bags like I get at the lingerie shop downtown.

No…. my lingerie came in BOXES! At first, I wondered why the hell they were sending me pornos!!!

photo-31

So, FYI….Trashy.com for lingerie. You can find it all.

Panty Raid

I have a huge lingerie collection – upwards of 7 drawers full of bras, garter belts, panties, bustiers, corsets, stockings, bodysuits, and chemises.  And that’s not including the costumes…

It’s impressive, even by Victoria’s Secret standards.

Periodically, I run out of space in my bureaus and I have to pare down some of my collection.

The black panty with the red lace heart window and garters always stays.

costume2

As a woman, I have tiers of lingerie – levels of cotton, lace, and satin which increase in sexiness as you go up.  It’s a so-called pyramid of lingerie.

At the bottom of the pyramid is the period underwear.  These pairs are so bad that no one is allowed to see us in them.  They can sometimes be stained, occasionally stretched out, and definitely not anything you want to be caught dead in.  You wear these when you’re feeling gross and bloated.

The next level is the comfortable lingerie – these are your plain cotton panties, your Fruit-of-the-Looms, your gym underwear.  They’re your business underwear – all work, no play.  When you want to be comfortable you wear these.  Not necessarily meant to be seen in, but it’s not the end of the world if you are.  You’re not dressing to impress.

Up one tier we encounter the Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria’s Secret lingerie.  This is your standard sexy lingerie which looks good on you but still eventually fades and semi falls apart because it was made in China.  Still, you remember when it was sexy so you keep wearing it.

Finally, you have your top tier lingerie – La Perla, Elle MacPherson, Agent Provocateur, Eberjey. and Faire Frou Frou.  These are your drop-the-jaw, shut-the-door, mama-and-daddy-are-getting-it-on lingerie.  They are the pieces that when we put then on we feel instantly sexy (and they hold up over the years because they were mad in Italy and France).

They are the pieces that when we put them on we feel instantly sexy.  Like a Pussycat Doll on a mission.  Not all of these pieces have to be expensive.  I have a hot pink slip from Target which makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe.

If you catch my in my top tier undies, chances are you’re getting lucky.

Just writing this makes want to go inventory my lingerie drawers and post pics of me and my favorites.

But since I’m away from home, I’ll have to be satisfied posting my boudoir photos again.

Yum yum.

P.S.  I have a small but impressive collection of vinyl that makes me understand the meaning of the word fetish on a cellular level…

 

Size Six

God!

You know how I LOVE lingerie?

AND Burning Man?

Well, I’m perpetually shopping for items I can bring to Burning Man, especially LINGERIE, since lingerie and bathing suits seems to be par for the course on the playa.

And fuck me for not having a size six body, it would be SO MUCH EASIER if I did.

Instead I have to get custom work and shop plus size rave clothing.

It’s not easy.

Especially since I stumbled across Bad Star Lingerie!

Well, fuck me with a knife and call me Stanley, I literally DROOLED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER SCREEN.

One of the looks I like is the bathing suit layered over a strappy harness.

It’s comfortable, lightweight, but edgy.

Something about it says “grab me by a strap and pull me to you.”

Bad Star Lingerie has THE MOST GORGEOUS PIECES YOU CAN IMAGINE.

So lovely.

So lovely in fact that I suspect I’d choose to wear them along with some pasties covering my nipples.

HOWEVER, that look probably works best on a size six frame.

So all you burner girls out there with tight size six bodies, here you go.

This one’s for you. . .

Obsessive

I have several obsessions.

Evening gowns was one, although I have a friend “Amy” who puts me to shame with her endless evening gown collection.

After that it’s lingerie. I have drawer upon drawer of lingerie, most of which never gets worn because I like comfy cotton boyshorts and bras which are slightly too small for me, making the kittens look outrageously good.

Then there’s the obsession I don’t talk about very often – the black vinyl clothing obsession.

Who knew you could love synthetic fabric so much you would want to wear it close to your skin EVERY DAY?!

And speaking of naughty obsessions, there’s also my strange affection for neoprene.

Gotta love me some wetsuits!

Snort in that neoprene smell.

What I’ve failed to mention so far is that by and far my most ardent obsession is with makeup.

If you want to cheer me up, hand me $100 and take me to the drugstore or the department store and let me loose in Cosmetics.

I go bananas for pots and pans of colors!

My sons have evolved a technique to keep me from looking in the windows of Sephora because I can disappear in that store for HOURS!

My aunt, cousin, and niece all like going through my makeup and taking what I no longer use.

So it’s my niece’s birthday coming up and she, like me, loves makeup.

I bought her some nice, light colored eye shadow palettes and a pack of brushes – because every girl should learn to use brushes.

I am a damn fine auntie!

Panty Fetish

I’m not sure how to write this post without using a lot of euphemisms, so bear with me.

Recently, I’ve run into a guy who has a panty fetish.

Not THAT kind of panty fetish.

He doesn’t like wearing them (though I’ve come across those who do).

He likes to, ahem, sniff them.

Not a clean pair fresh from the laundry pile, mind you.

He prefers panties that have been worn all day and are slightly, ahem, damp.

He asked me to describe what my panties smell like after a day of work.

Now.

I don’t know about you but the only time I sniff my panties is when I’m trying to figure out if that pair on the floor is clean or dirty.

So I said the only thing that came to mind.

They smell sweet and musky.

Well, he just about DIED.

Say it again, he requested.

Sweet and musky.

So now, when I go out on a date with this guy, he is expecting me to hand over to him the panties I am wearing.

Gah!

I do believe that I am going to wear TWO pairs of panties that day.

One pair for reals, and one pair for him.

He’ll get to keep the outer pair of panties while I can continue to enjoy the comfort of my inner pair of panties.

And both of us go home happy.