The Swede

The Swede has been texting me and it’s been more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

He went out drinking with a friend and I got fantastic text messages from him as he drank beer.

He asked me if I was interested in visiting Sweden.

Technically, 60% of my DNA is from Scandinavia, and it would love to visit the homeland.

There’s the Vasa Museum, all the canals to navigate, and the ABBA Museum.

You know I can’t miss the ABBA Museum!

Sadly, I have no plans to visit Sweden in the near future, but it’s definitely on my list of places to go.

And it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to Finland where I can sleep in a glass igloo under the aurora borealis.

Sigh.

It’s hard to not imagine snuggling under the glass dome with The Swede.

And, of course, there’s the saunas in Finland.

Nothing like a nice hot naked sweat followed by a giant leap into the freezing outdoors.

Hey, it’s GOOD for you!

Perhaps I will talk my sister into a trip to Sweden next year.

Our last big trip was Scotland in 2008.

I have to admit, it would be nice to see The Swede in his territory.

Nice to see The Swede fullstop.

Burning Man: Getting There, part 1

One of the best parts of Burning Man is getting to go to Reno.

Reno is where my sister lives.

fullsizerender2After getting a SUPER LATE start to Reno*, Tejas and I managed to arrive 5 minutes early for our 6:15 dinner reservations at the Atlantis Steakhouse.

My sister sure knows how to pick a restaurant!

I have two words for you:

LOBSTER BISQUE

Heavenly!

We finished our dinner (and drinks!) and retreated to my sisters house for a little pre-burn party, which sadly did not include her hot tub, but did inclde a taxi ride to Walmart to pick up a handle of vodka and some lemonade.

I’m afraid I got a little loopy but managed to grab an uber with Tejas and return to our hotel.

Big day tomorrow!

 

* SOMEONE woke up late and STILL wasn’t finished packing. . . (HINT:  It wasn’t me)

The dangers of WEARING wasabi

ImageThe sign at the all-you-can-eat sushi bar said that if you order more food than you can eat, you will be charged the a-la-carte price for your sushi.

This weighed heavily on our minds as my sister and I surveyed our table filled with sushi. We were stuffed to the gills and were trying to figure out how to make 20 extra pieces of sushi disappear.

Oh my god, could we do it?!

Being the honest sibling, I just started eating sushi… doing my best to just chew and swallow and not think about how full I already was.

But Lisa, being a little more clever and deceptive, opted to take a different approach.

SHE SHOVED THE SUSHI INTO HER CLEAVAGE!

The waitress came by to check on our progress.  I noticed sushi peeking out of my sister’s cleavage. As the waitress spoke to us, Lisa’s eyes were getting bigger and bigger.  The waitress left.

“What’s wrong,” I asked.

“Listen, we’ve got to get out of here so I can get rid of this sushi. The wasabi is BURNING MY BOOBS!”

Mini break!

I’m on vacation.

A mini break, so to speak.

I’ve got half of Thursday off from work and all of Friday.

Why, you ask?

Because I’m going to Tahoe with my sister to see Peter Gabriel and Sting perform at Harvey’s Lake Tahoe.

stingPeterGabrielI’m so excited!

The last concert my sister and I saw there was Elton John.

I only remember half the concert because my sister and I drank a 5th of vodka, a bottle of wine, and about 5 Lagunita’s Sumpin’ Sumpin’s.

Oy! Can I tell you how hungover we were?

And then there was the unfortunate incident where I peeped my pants in the back of an Uber.

Nothing to wet the seat, just enough to wet my pants.

This is all because it took us FOREVER to get back to our hotel a few blocks away.

In our drunken stupor, neither one of us could navigate the streets very well and we got turned around.

So this year we were smart.

We booked a room at Harvey’s.

Woot!

Talk about a short walk home!

Elton John

When you drink with your sister

Start with a mini bottle of Champagne Pink Pop. Pick it out in a pink bottle thinking it’s pink. Discover it’s not pink and be disappointed. Try champagne and be even more disappointed. Add orange juice to make it drinkable.

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Try OREgasmic Ale by Rogue Farms, because it’s supposed to be OREgasmic. Discover OREgasmic beer tastes like dirty feet and pot ash. Definitely not orgasmic. Be disappointed.

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Try cheap stacked wine which comes in its own glass. Have low expectations. Have low expectations met. Feel foolish for trying wine which comes with a pull off lid.

 

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Try Blood Orange Mimosa. Suspect it’s a headache in a bottle with a screw top lid, but love it anyway.  Make your sister drink most of it after dosing it with vodka.

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 Graduate to bonafide liquor – making really strong mai tai and screwdriver. Decide to hop in the hot tub naked. Have to hang foot out of hot tub because of new foot tattoo (which effing HURTS). Have sister yell at you when you accidentally dip it in the water. Feel sheepish. Snap selfie anyway.

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UPDATE:  Get RAGING cellulitis (skin infection) from dipping foot in hot tub.  Deal with your sister’s “I-told-you-so’s.”  On antibiotics.  Feel even more sheepish.

Dream a little dream

For most of my adult life, I’ve fantasized about going to three places:

  • Greece
  • Finland
  • Australia

I’ve wanted to go to Greece on account of all the beautiful pictures I’ve seen of it – white walls, blue seas, and Mediterranean food.

greeceFinland has made it to my list oddly enough because I love the idea of sleeping in a glass igloo under the aurora borealis. Even in freezing cold temperatures with blankets of snow.

finlandAnd Australia made it to my list because… well… Australia!

australiaAt the risk of sounding ridiculous, I love the accents, the animals, and the beautiful cities.

I haven’t travelled as much as I would like to mostly because in all my fantasies about traveling the world, I never fantasized about doing it solo.

I mean what’s the point of sleeping in a glass igloo under a dramatic night sky unless you’re simultaneously getting your freak on?

Don’t get me wrong. I traveled to Scotland with my sister and I drove all over from Oban to Fort William to Inverness to the Isle of Skye.

I watched a shinty game in Skye with little biting midges flying up my nose and in my eyes while the shinty boys raced like thunder up and down the pitch.

Their thighs captivated me.

I really exposed myself to a different culture and people.

And I want to continue to do so.

But alone?

No thanks.

I may just have to bug my sister to take another trip with me next summer.

The question is: Where do we go first?

And can I convince my sister, who is an avid relax-and-do-nothing vacationer, to go out with me and get dirty/wet while having fun?

That is the questions my friends.

Throwing up at Dave Matthews :-(

imageThe first thing you need to know about my Dave Matthews Band (DMB) experience is that I blew chunks in the ladies room.

That’s right. I got horrifically sick at the concert and barely managed to make it to the bathroom.

And it’s not because I was drinking. My sister, who is an RN, advised me it was because I was dehydrated. So there you have it… I threw up at DMB.

Besides that unfortunate incident, the concert was amazing. The first half of the concert was an acoustic set by DMB and the second half was the traditional electrical set up.

The acoustic set featured some of my favorite songs like “Crash Into Me” and “Stay or Leave.” The acoustic set closed with the beloved “Ants Marching” which I missed due to aforementioned puke session.

The electric set also played some of my favorites including “#41,” “Grey Street,” “Lover Lay Down,” and “You and Me.”  This set was filled with power and dexterous guitar styling, plus jaunty horn finales.

Sadly, I missed the encore because my sister insisted we leave since her back was killing her from sitting on the cement venue seats. So I missed “The Space Between.”

DMB put on a great performance and I had the best time.  Now I see why the woman sitting next to me at the concert had been to 20 concerts.

What a man! What a band! What a show!

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The one where I swallow and she uses her boobs

ImageThe sign at the all-you-can-eat sushi bar said that if you order more food than you can eat, you will be charged the a-la-carte price for your sushi.

This weighed heavily on our minds as my sister and I surveyed our table filled with sushi. We were stuffed to the gills and were trying to figure out how to make 20 extra pieces of sushi disappear.

Oh my god, could we do it?!

Being the honest sibling, I just started eating sushi… doing my best to just chew and swallow and not think about how full I already was.

But Lisa, being a little more clever and deceptive, opted to take a different approach.

SHE SHOVED THE SUSHI INTO HER CLEAVAGE!

The waitress came by to check on our progress.  I noticed sushi peeking out of my sister’s cleavage. As the waitress spoke to us, Lisa’s eyes were getting bigger and bigger.  The waitress left.

“What’s wrong,” I asked.

“Listen, we’ve got to get out of here so I can get rid of this sushi. The wasabi is BURNING MY BOOBS!”

Friends with benefits

033af69434988fbac64cc7a4884970d6I’ll be the first one to admit that I’ve dipped into the FWB (friends with “benefits”) bucket.  It’s a guilty pleasure of mine – it seems so wrong but it feels so right.  And even if it is wrong, it’s much better than romantic and sexual celibacy.

If you google FWB, you will find a whole list of sites offering up their advice on how to make it work, what to look out for, even rules to adhere to, such as:

  1. Pick someone you wouldn’t normally date.
  2. Don’t let things get complicated.
  3. Don’t text for any reason other than sex.
  4. Don’t do sleepovers.
  5. Don’t kiss goodbye.
  6. Don’t fall in love.
  7. Go your separate ways.

Obviously, with lists of rules of engagement peppering the internet, there’s an implied complexity to these arrangements.  Are the rules there to make for the perfect FWB union or are they there to blow a horn in your face letting you know what the pitfalls are?

Someone, somewhere screwed up big time.

Here’s my personal list of rules:

  1. Have more than one FWB.
  2. Try all that stuff you were too embarrassed or afraid to try in your previous relationships.

That’s pretty much it.  Two rules. Keep more than one FWB and you won’t get overly attached to any of them. Also, take the opportunity to try out new things and expand your repertoire. Might as well do it while you have the chance.

My sister suggests that I read books – “Obsess on knowledge!”  My birthmother agrees.

But I want to study anatomy.

Sadly, no one backs me up.  My friend Jenny wrote, “FWB is a recipe for disaster. One of the participants involved will eventually want more out of the friendship & down the road, those FWB don’t usually remain friends.”

Yes, but did they enjoy studying each other’s anatomy for a while?  Cuz in my book that’s success.

It’s not meant to last forever.  Just long enough to get to where you’re going next .

And maybe that’s the takeaway here:  FWB relationships are unlikely to end well but in the meantime, they are just good fun.  When asked, “Friends with benefits….just good fun or a recipe for disaster?” my friend Mark responded, “Yes and yes.”