The pickle pouch

5681db484a9d8b0c63101aa9877d1722I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.

On the one hand I love what they do – prevent unintended pregnancy and the transmission of nasty old STDs.

On the other hand I hate for they feel – like I’m trying to pick up a dime with rubber gloves on.  There’s not much sensation.

But recently, I read MyLifeOnMatchAndMore’s enthusiastic blog post on “For the Love of Lube” and I couldn’t help but follow her link to Lucky Bloke, who sells variety packs of condoms and lube.

(Incidentally lube (Gun Oil) is something I have ALWAYS loved)

It started me thinking.  Maybe the next generation of condoms are superior to the ones I’m used to.  Maybe, just maybe I can learn to love condoms again.

Lucky Bloke has several awesome variety packs available:

  1. Non latex – For the sensitive among us.
  2. Smaller fit – For those challenged in the cock department (just remember size doesn’t matter?).
  3. Standard – For the average man.
  4. Mixed sizes – When you don’t know what size you are.
  5. Japanese Ultra thin – The very best in ultra thin.
  6. Flavored – Really?  Why?  Nevermind.
  7. Ultra thin – Ultra thin.  ‘Nuff said.
  8. Pleasure shaped – Condoms aren’t just ribbed anymore.
  9. Textured – like wearing an argyle sweater on your cock.

Maybe I can learn to love condoms a little more and hate them a little less.

 

The pickle pouch

5681db484a9d8b0c63101aa9877d1722I have a love-hate relationship with condoms.

On the one hand I love what they do – prevent unintended pregnancy and the transmission of nasty old STDs.

On the other hand I hate for they feel – like I’m trying to pick up a dime with rubber gloves on.  There’s not much sensation.

But recently, I read MyLifeOnMatchAndMore’s enthusiastic blog post on “For the Love of Lube” and I couldn’t help but follow her link to Lucky Bloke, who sells variety packs of condoms and lube.

(Incidentally lube (Gun Oil) is something I have ALWAYS loved)

It started me thinking.  Maybe the next generation of condoms are superior to the ones I’m used to.  Maybe, just maybe I can learn to love condoms again.

Lucky Bloke has several awesome variety packs available:

  1. Non latex – For the sensitive among us.
  2. Smaller fit – For those challenged in the cock department (just remember size doesn’t matter?).
  3. Standard – For the average man.
  4. Mixed sizes – When you don’t know what size you are.
  5. Japanese Ultra thin – The very best in ultra thin.
  6. Flavored – Really?  Why?  Nevermind.
  7. Ultra thin – Ultra thin.  ‘Nuff said.
  8. Pleasure shaped – Condoms aren’t just ribbed anymore.
  9. Textured – like wearing an argyle sweater on your cock.

Maybe I can learn to love condoms a little more and hate them a little less.

 

Lube

I often forget about lube.

Which is ironic considering every time I use it, I think, “Oh! This is definitely enhancing my pleasure!”

So why I CONSTANTLY forget about it, I will never know.

I have bottles of it stashed everywhere.

In my Burning Man toiletries tote.

In my purse.

In my bedroom drawer right next to the bed.

The other day, I had a not so subtle reminder of why it’s important to use lube.

I was having fun, getting down, when my partner SPIT on me.

Indeed.

He spit on me.

Not just once, but twice.

Spit will do the job, however it’s filled with enzymes and bacteria that probably don’t belong in a woman’s vagina.

Fast forward 24 hours and I’ve got a RAGING yeast infection.

Maybe some women can handle copious amounts of saliva on their nethers, but NOT ME.

I can absolutely VOUCH for that now, as I sit here in complete and total discomfort, waiting for the moment when I can get home and get to a tube of anti-fungal cream.

Monistat, you have my heart.

Ronda Rousey and Lubrication

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 9.54.49 AMRecently, Ronda Rousey made comments criticizing artificial lubrication during sex. While saying that men should start slowly in bed, Rousey advised “Take (your) time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy.”

While I understand Ronda’s sentiment and applaud her encouraging men to take it slow and build up the excitement, I’m guessing Ronda has never encountered a Monster Cock.

Now I have crossed paths with a few of these in my dating life and I must say, with a Monster Cock, there’s no other choice but to use lube. And use a lot of it!

No amount of foreplay can prepare you for the f*cking of your life that you are about to receive and lubrication is mandatory unless you want to literally start a fire in your crotch.

That’s my two cents, Ronda.

Lube good. Fire crotch bad.

You might be an OMer if…

I know, I’ve only been OMing for two months, but I’ve noticed a few funny things about OMers so far.  Eccentricities, if you will.  Here are my top 50 reasons why you might be an OMer if…

  1. You take your lube with you everywhere you go.  Have lube, will travel.
  2. You don’t bother putting on underwear because it’s coming off in an hour.
  3. You feel a kinship with the Energizer Bunny.  You keep going, and going, and going…
  4. You call all your washcloths “pussy rags.”
  5. You keep latex gloves in your bedside table.
  6. You buy two different color washcloths – one for face and one for pussy.
  7. Every time someone says “thank you” you perk up like Pavlov’s dog.
  8. You’re so good at giving adjustments you can help a friend parallel park a car on a dime in SoHo between a moving van and a Porsche.
  9. You’ve ever sounded like you’re taking a shit when you’re climaxing. You beast!
  10. You wear skirts for easy access.
  11. Your right foot falls asleep on a regular basis.
  12. The sound of an ombu makes your pussy quiver or your left index finger twitch.
  13. You have a preset 15-minute timer on your smartphone that sees more activity than the actual phone.
  14. You start to use the phrase “there was a moment when…” in your daily life.
  15. You’ve ever used One-Stroke during sex.
  16. You’ve planned your wardrobe around how easy it is to take on and off.
  17. The words “hot seat” get you excitedly uncomfortable.
  18. You’ve ever fallen in love with a stroker/strokee without even knowing his/her name.
  19. You ask for “safe porting” whenever you’re doing something new.
  20. You find that sleeping with your legs butterflied open is incredibly comfortable and soothing.
  21. You refer to foreplay as “the lube stroke.”
  22. You’re flattered when someone calls you a beast.
  23. You’ve ever mistaken a squeal of joy for a woman climaxing IRL.
  24. Your left index finger has seen more pussy than Wilt Chamberlin.
  25. You ask people to describe what emotions feel like in their bodies.
  26. You’re closest friends have all stroked your pussy.
  27. You’ve stroked the pussies of all your closest friends.
  28. Your “little black book” includes frames.
  29. The concept of surrender is part of your daily mantra.
  30. You always write “turn on” as “TurnON.”
  31. You’ve ever thought you broke your clitoris.
  32. You refer to your yoga mat as a “nest.”
  33. You have pillows designed for “head” and “legs.”
  34. You own a zafu.
  35. You give noticings during sex.
  36. You talk about how good a man’s hands are with reverence and awe.
  37. Opening a jar of coconut oil gives you shivers.
  38. You’ve refused to kiss someone until the nest gets put away.
  39. You’ve made out in a nest.  Oops!
  40. You’re constantly correcting “on” to “OM” on your phone.  Damn autocorrect!
  41. You’ve ever asked someone to be your #1 or #2.
  42. You’ve ever said, “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away” and meant it with every cell in your body.
  43. You love the word “stroke.”
  44. You’ve ever posted anything to your Facebook page that ends in “love, Your Orgasm.”
  45. Your neighbors think you get more pussy than Hugh Hefner.
  46. You’ve ever washed your pussy while sitting on a toilet.
  47. You’ve ever exchanged frames after sex.
  48. You’ve EVER used the phrase “burrito the nest.”
  49. You have a dedicated nest in your home.
  50. You’ve ever rearranged furniture in your room to make room for a nest.

And just for laughs and giggles, here are a bonus five reasons why you might be an OMer…

  1. You’re comfortable taking off your pants in a room full of people.
  2. You’ve ever asked for “more grounding” and it has nothing to do with electricity.
  3. You own a shirt with the word “orgasm” on it.
  4. Someone has to stroke your pussy first before you’ll decide if you want to make out.
  5. You like being handled.

There you have it, my short list of what might make you an OMer.  How many of these things have you done?  Do you have any additions to this list?  Email me at michelle@unblunder.com.

List Additions:

  1. Danielle from San Jose:  The words “one o’clock” always make you think of a clit.

Need to improve your sex life?

1.  Toys (THIS is my newest favorite)

2.  Costumes (THIS is a popular choice as is THIS)

3.  Role Play

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4.  Get naughty in public – let your hands wander, make out, have fun!

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5.  Watch sexy movies (suggestions HERE)

6.  Watch porn together (try Candida Royalle or Dane Jones if you want more couples-friendly porn).

4906236a5e4c319bbd0d22d32c882ac27.  New lingerie (LINK)

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8.  Date night!  Do something fun together.  Plan to get lucky when you go home.

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9.  Be romantic.  Flowers and champagne go a long way….

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10.  Share fantasies.  Don’t know how?  Read THIS guide.

11.  Yoga.  Especially when naked 😉 [LINK]

12.  Take a shower together.  I recommend doing this on a regular basis!

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13.  Do it every day for a week.  Reacclimate your body to your standards of yesteryear.

14.  Try OMing.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE.

15.  Go to a NAKED SPA and relax in your birthday suit.  If you can’t do that rent a PRIVATE HOT TUB ROOM and have fun.

16.  Take a mini vacation/road trip to someplace nice.  Pretend you’re hooking up with a stranger in your hotel room and enjoy yourselves.

17.  Try different sexual positions.

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18.  Read erotica to eachother. [LINK]

19.  Wine.  ‘Nuff said.

20.  Get some good lube.  This SH*T is awesome.  Buy a gallon of it.

21.  Try a little D/S.  Don’t know what that is?  Click HERE for the lite version (what is popular right now) or read THIS for the more advanced.