My little lumberjack

Okay, you know how I go on and on about liking lumberjacks?

Well, I don’t mean literally lumberjacks.

I’m referring to men who are handy outdoors and indoors.

Who can fix a leaky sink and back up an RV.

The kind of guy who can go for a hike in the woods and wind up rescuing a baby deer.

And the kind of guy who sports facial hair VERY WELL.

THAT’S the kind of lumberjack I mean.

Not necessarily that he chops down trees.

In fact tree chopping is discouraged.

I’d prefer he be a bit of a tree hugger, actually.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because I found my PERFECT lumberjack.

And when I say lumberjack, I mean L U M B E R J A C K !

Check out my new boyfriend. . .

Yeah, I totally bought him off etsy for $12.

So worth it.

It started me thinking about a whole LUMBERJACK TREE!

Imagine red and white lights, hanging wooden disks, red flannel swags, various woodland animals, ivory knit Christmas balls, and lots of greenery.

Perfect!

Gets me so excited!

I can’t help myself, I just may have to create a lumberjack tree!

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Strike THREE!

My experiences online dating have been frustrating, as of late.

To begin with, there are a lot of guys who live VERY FAR AWAY who are messaging me.

No, I DON’T want to travel to fricking MODESTO for a date.

I think not.

Not that the men aren’t tempting.

I get all excited because I see a lumberjack is emailing me only to find out that he lives in Manteca.

Apparently there are a plethora of lumberjacks living in the Central Valley.

Then there’s this guy who lives in the East Bay and I think, “Ok. Maybe. . .”

screen-shot-2017-02-16-at-10-21-07-amHandsome.  Love the beard.  Hoping he has tattoos.

So I go check out his profile and I notice he’s spelled coffee “coffey.”

Strike one.

So I read his profile and notice that he also spelled “too” wrong.

As in “Not TO much to ask for.”

Strike two.

And finally, as I’m reviewing his profile, I note that he’s “separated” as in “MARRIED” and we all know how I feel about dating “separated” men.

Strike three.

YOU’RE OUT!

Nice guys finish last

nice guysHow often have you heard the phrase “nice guys finish last?”

100? 1,000 times?

I’ve certainly heard it a lot.

Basically, it means that girls like bad boys and the nicer a guy is to a girl, the less likely he is to actually get anywhere with her.

I somewhat resemble this remark.

I had a thing for bad boys. The lumberjacks. The rough and tumble, ready to rumble guys.

I married one of the worst!

Screaming over me while I huddled in a corner clutching a phone calling my parents because I’m sick with the flu, and he’s mad I didn’t clean the kitchen.

I learned a lot in that relationship.

I learned to appreciate nice guys.

The kind ones who listen to you. Who ask how you’re doing. Who remember you on your birthday and on holidays. Who bring you chicken soup when you’re sick.

My next two boyfriends were the definition of Nice Guy.

Jason, with his boxer’s broken nose, looked like a bad guy but was all sweetness and love inside. He would drive 45 minutes each way to come visit me during the week.

And Luke, though he took some time to grow on me, ended up being a very protective and loving boyfriend. Too bad he met and married someone else while we were dating. Truth!

In any case, I feel bad for all the nice guys whom I passed up – the Geoffs and the Gregs and the Andrews.

If it helps at all, I’ve discovered a sure fire way to meet nice guys. . .

Look for genuine smiles.

Avoid smirks, shit-eating-grins, and smiles that don’t reach their eyes.

Go for the guy with the smile that looks like he’s sitting down to a home cooked meal and is so appreciative of what’s in front of him.

It might not be foolproof, but it sure eliminates most of the bad boys.

Lord knows I need more kind souls in my life.

An Australian, a Scotsman, and a Lumberjack walk into a bar…

MEN I WANT TO DATE:

Australian man – yes, because of the accent, but also because they’re damn cute and downright sexy. And I want someone to take me to Australia. Who better than a Australian?

man1

British man – because I love a man who talks about my fanny and calls my panties knickers. Very bedroom-oriented which feeds my inner mattress dancer spectacularly.

man2

Lumberjack – to see why the hell I am so attracted to a big chest, large hands, and a thick…

man3

Mike Rowe – my dream man – eloquent and educated yet down to earth and really, really funny. You want to know my ideal man, it’s Mike Rowe.

man4

Gynecologist – just to see if a doctor who works all day with women has any better grasp on the female anatomy and what to do with it than any of the other men I go out with.

man5

Older man – just to see if life experience has given them a better grasp on the female anatomy and what to do with it. I have a Canadian prospect all lined up.

man6

Younger man – because they’re eager to please and come with relatively less baggage than their older counterparts.

man7

Jackass cast – love the show, love the films, love everything about them (except when they ate yellow snow).

man8

Scotsman – I already know what’s under their kilt, and I like it A LOT.  But what I really like about a Scotsman is his manly demeanor. Been to Scotland twice and loved it both times.

man9

Tantric sex instructor – because…. well… HELLO…. T A N T R I C  S E X !

man10

Jon Hamm’s penis – who doesn’t want to go out with the man who gave new meaning to going commando?  Talk about an eye opener in the morning!

man11

Big Jim

Jim is a big man. At 6’6” tall, he towers over other men. He is also a Building and Electrical contractor and a former mechanic who owned his own repair shop. And he’s an Eagle Scout.  And he was in the Army.

He’s also a self-proclaimed sapiophile which I find very sexy.

In case you couldn’t tell, Jim qualifies as a lumberjack which on a panties wetness scale of 1 – 10 gives him at least an 8 in my book.

I gave Big Jim my phone number over a week ago and was disappointed when he didn’t call.

Well, Big Jim finally called and this is how our conversation went.

IMG_6496

Now, it may not be the CREEPIEST move to ask a woman to describe what she’s wearing, but it’s certainly in the TOP 5 creepy moves men should NEVER DO WITH WOMEN IF THEY WANT A DATE.

My warning bells are ringing off the hook and there’s a big red flag in front of my face.

Dammit! So close and yet so far!

I met someone

That’s right, I met someone and I’m a little bit emotional over it.

We talk for hours on the phone.  He’s funny.  And witty.  And thoughtful.

And I haven’t met him in person yet.

But in a way, he’s everything I think I want – tall, handsome, thoughtful, generous, kind, smart, good with kids, funny, etc.

It remains to be see how he treats the waitstaff.  I have a firm “be kind to the waiter/waitress” rule.

We’re going out on February 14th for our fist date.

Yes indeed.  Our first date will be on Valentine’s Day.

I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing, but I hope it’s fabulous.

He already knows some of my secrets –  like my love of nude beaches, my wild child past – and he still is interested in me.

So far, so good.

He’s trying to introduce a little spontaneity into his life and what better way than with me… Ms. Spur-of-the-moment-brilliant-ideas?!

Maybe he’s not as wild as my “usual” type but that could be a very good thing for me.  I need a rock to anchor me.  To balance out my tendency to go floating off into the atmosphere.

But the absolute best part of this is that he’s a lumberjack.  That’s right, he’ 6’4″ tall and has a beard.

Oh baby!

I Fell in Love Three Times This Weekend

First, a scholar visiting my work for an academic conference. And a lumberjack, complete with full red beard.

I “had” to give him a ride to his hotel.

He told me his life mottos was “Enjoy every moment” and I thought, “Wow, this is the man for me.”

Just like that, I fell in love.

Sadly, right after that he talked about his wife.

So I have a snowballs chance in hell with him.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Second, the caterer who staffed my dinner reception on Saturday night.

We hit it off an were bantering back and forth for most of the evening.

He was bright, funny, and handsome.  And he was a lumberjack.

As I was leaving, he came up to me, shook my hand and expressed regret that the two of us couldn’t go out for a drink.

But he didn’t ask for my number.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

Third, I went to a Pleasure Party for my girl Melissa and saw my girl crush there.

Yes, I have a girl crush.

She looked sexy as always and good enough to eat.

The way she talks about football gets my blood flowing.

So I chatted with her about all things pleasurable and inwardly thrilled at her every word.

She admitted she falls for straight girls but is reforming her ways.

Pitter patter my broken heart.

But there you have it, I fell in love three times in one weekend and had my heart broken every time.

Oh l’amour…

An Australian, a Scotsman, and a lumberjack walk into a bar…

MEN I WANT TO DATE:

Australian man – yes, because of the accent, but also because they’re damn cute and downright sexy. And I want someone to take me to Australia. Who better than a Australian?

man1

British man – because I love a man who talks about my fanny and calls my panties knickers. Very bedroom-oriented which feeds my inner mattress dancer spectacularly.

man2

Lumberjack – to see why the hell I am so attracted to a big chest, large hands, and a thick…

man3

Mike Rowe – my dream man – eloquent and educated yet down to earth and really, really funny. You want to know my ideal man, it’s Mike Rowe.

man4

Gynecologist – just to see if a doctor who works all day with women has any better grasp on the female anatomy and what to do with it than any of the other men I go out with.

man5

Older man – just to see if life experience has given them a better grasp on the female anatomy and what to do with it. I have a Canadian prospect all lined up.

man6

Younger man – because they’re eager to please and come with relatively less baggage than their older counterparts.

man7

Jackass cast – love the show, love the films, love everything about them (except when they ate yellow snow).

man8

Scotsman – I already know what’s under their kilt, and I like it A LOT.  But what I really like about a Scotsman is his manly demeanor. Been to Scotland twice and loved it both times.

man9

Tantric sex instructor – because…. well… HELLO…. T A N T R I C  S E X !

man10

Jon Hamm’s penis – who doesn’t want to go out with the man who gave new meaning to going commando?  Talk about an eye opener in the morning!

man11