I have a problem

I have a problem.

I’m just going to go ahead and admit it.

I have TOO MUCH MAKEUP!

As part of my shelter in place homesteading experience, I am slowly going through all my cabinet drawers and bookshelves and reorganizing everything.

I have a BUNCH OF CRAP that I need to throw away or donate.

Anyway, part of the reorganization process involves going though (I KID YOU NOT) six storage boxes of makeup and eliminating what is useless.

I’m not even counting the suitcase that I keep most of my makeup in.

Sadly if I’m honest, most of it is useless.

Why?

Because I have SO MUCH MAKEUP I don’t even know what I have!

How can you use something you don’t even know exists?

I am tempted to throw a socially distanced makeup party and invite all my friends and family who would like to check it out to come by and take whatever they want.

After all, most of the makeup has never even been opened!

I know, I know!

It’s an illness.

And I am trying to overcome it.

I’ve gotten much better at restraining myself when it comes to shopping at Ulta and Sephora.

Just so you know, my kids REFUSE to let me set foot inside cosmetic stores if they are with me, THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS!

The irony in all this is that I have a daughter.

I could share (dump) all this makeup on her.

EXCEPT SHE’S NOT INTO MAKEUP!

She prefers the natural look – chapstick is about as much makeup as she puts on.

I guess God decided to play a joke on me and give me an obsession I can’t share with either of my children.

So, if any of my friends are interested in makeup, hit me up.

You know who you are!

Hip to my illness

michelleWhen I mentioned all my addictions in this post, I neglected to mention one other REALLY IMPORTANT addiction.

Makeup.

Yes, indeed.

I am one of THOSE women who is constantly buying makeup.

For a while, I worked as a makeup artist and I could justify spending a thousand dollars on makeup.

But now, I’m just a woman with a makeup line item in her budget.

It’s bad.

I actually took my makeup and cleared out some of it and took it to my Aunt Stacey and cousin Jennifer. They went through it and took makeup that had never even been opened, let alone used.

I’m not sure why I have such an obsession for makeup.

All I can say is that I see those pots and tubes of color and I go crazy for them. Shimmery, pearlescent, matte, glossy, shiny… you name it, I love it.

It’s pure happiness and joy for me.

My sons won’t let me GO INSIDE a Sephora or Ulta if they are with me.

They block the way and pull me aside.

They are hip to my illness.

makeup

Face Paint

I chickened out.

Yes, I did.

Instead of doing a half dragon face or a face painted dragon for the Dragon party, I did nothing.

That’s right.

I got all the face paint, sponges and brushes that I need and then I did nothing with them.

This is not new for me.

Often times, I make plans and then decide at the last minute I don’t have it in me to execute them.

Really, what I need to do is to practice my makeup skills more.

My birthmother is FANTASTIC at face painting and I think I could be very good as well, if only I tried a little bit.

I watch some makeup artists on YouTube.

They do UNBELIEVABLE work, much more complicated than my little reindeer face paint, like this female Venom face paint:

I’ve learned, over the years, that it’s not so much preciseness that counts when doing makeup as much as tools and blending that matters.

Brushes are NECESSARY.

As is BLENDING.

Fucked up your eye shadow?

Blend.

Can’t achieve a flawless finish with your foundation?

Use a brush.

If I learned face paint just a little bit, it could be my gift to the playa.

I could set up a booth and paint the faces of all the beautiful playa people.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Obsession

Anyone who knows me, knows I have an OBSESSION with makeup.

Whenever I needed to cheer myself up when I was younger, I’d go to the drugstore or department store and I’d buy HUNDREDS of dollars of makeup.

I estimate that I have approximately a BUTTLOAD of makeup.

I have so much that I periodically purge my collection and pass on makeup to my awesome niece Bella (and her mom and grandma).

My boys actually BLOCK me football-style, when we’re in the mall passing Sephora, Ulta, Morphe or MAC.

He he he!

For the Santa Con in Campbell, I whipped up this look:

Truthfully, it wasn’t too challenging.

The learning curve for contouring your face is STEEP.

I looked like a mad woman for a while, with dark stripes under my cheekbones and around my forehead.

But I just kept blending and it all worked out.

Now, for the upcoming Dragon Party, I’ve decided I’m going to try to make myself into a dragon.

BRING ON THE FACE PAINT!

This is the look I’m going for, only in GREEN:

As near as I can tell, I’ll need to draw the horns and teeth first then add the rest of the face paint.

I’ve already purchased face paint from Amazon:

So here’s hoping my face paint skills are up to par and I can pull off this dragon look.

And just to make sure people know I’M A DRAGON, I got these really cool horns off of etsy.

To complete the look.

I’m nothing if not thorough.

Obsessive

I have several obsessions.

Evening gowns was one, although I have a friend “Amy” who puts me to shame with her endless evening gown collection.

After that it’s lingerie. I have drawer upon drawer of lingerie, most of which never gets worn because I like comfy cotton boyshorts and bras which are slightly too small for me, making the kittens look outrageously good.

Then there’s the obsession I don’t talk about very often – the black vinyl clothing obsession.

Who knew you could love synthetic fabric so much you would want to wear it close to your skin EVERY DAY?!

And speaking of naughty obsessions, there’s also my strange affection for neoprene.

Gotta love me some wetsuits!

Snort in that neoprene smell.

What I’ve failed to mention so far is that by and far my most ardent obsession is with makeup.

If you want to cheer me up, hand me $100 and take me to the drugstore or the department store and let me loose in Cosmetics.

I go bananas for pots and pans of colors!

My sons have evolved a technique to keep me from looking in the windows of Sephora because I can disappear in that store for HOURS!

My aunt, cousin, and niece all like going through my makeup and taking what I no longer use.

So it’s my niece’s birthday coming up and she, like me, loves makeup.

I bought her some nice, light colored eye shadow palettes and a pack of brushes – because every girl should learn to use brushes.

I am a damn fine auntie!

Slumming it

Sometimes, I’m bad.

Not REALLY bad, just SLIGHTLY bad.

For instance, despite the fact that I have BOXES of lingerie in my bedroom (in addition to 7 drawers full), I just went and bought some new lingerie.

Basically because I had a date that I was getting ready for so I NEEDED that black lace teddy and those thigh high stockings.

teddy stockings

And do you know what I’m doing today?

I’m shopping online for MORE lingerie – Hips & Curves, Wicked Temptations, Yandy Lingerie, and Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Not exactly quality lingerie, but it gets the job done.

For quality lingerie, I go to Journelle, Agent Provocateur, and Adore Me.

But I’m not shopping high end.

No, I’m slumming it.

I may as well go and buy my lingerie from Victoria’s Secret (cheaply made, “disposable” lingerie, IMHO).

I actually bought a crotchless bodystocking from Yandy. . .

Because, you know, when am I EVER going to need a crotchless bodystocking?

bodystockingAND

To make matters worse, my makeup obsession has reared its ugly head again to the tune of $100 at Ulta.

Not the biggest shopping spree, but still making a dent in my budget.

Ugh.

It really is time to hold a clothing swap at my house and get rid of some of the makeup/lingerie/costumes that I’m holding on to.

Before I turn into a cartoon.

I think I need therapy.

Save

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Hip to my illness

michelleWhen I mentioned all my addictions in this post, I neglected to mention one other REALLY IMPORTANT addiction.

Makeup.

Yes, indeed.

I am one of THOSE women who is constantly buying makeup.

For a while, I worked as a makeup artist and I could justify spending a thousand dollars on makeup.

But now, I’m just a woman with a makeup line item in her budget.

It’s bad.

I actually took my makeup and cleared out some of it and took it to my Aunt Stacey and cousin Jennifer. They went through it and took makeup that had never even been opened, let alone used.

I’m not sure why I have such an obsession for makeup.

All I can say is that I see those pots and tubes of color and I go crazy for them. Shimmery, pearlescent, matte, glossy, shiny… you name it, I love it.

It’s pure happiness and joy for me.

My sons won’t let me GO INSIDE a Sephora or Ulta if they are with me.

They block the way and pull me aside.

They are hip to my illness.

makeup

What makes me feel beautiful?

What makes me feel beautiful?

This picture, of me fresh out of the shower with no makeup on.  It’s authentically me.  At 40 years old and looking pretty nice.

image

And this pic, of me with my youngest son.  Gotta love Auntie Lisa’s hot tub!

imageI also feel beautiful with my hair all done up and full makeup on:

But overall, my favorite times when I feel beautiful are during those rare moments when I finally manage to feel comfortable in my own skin, flaws and all.

image[Me, eating a Korean delicacy.  A silkworm grub.  Not so tasty, FYI.]

How To Look Good Naked

The secret to looking good naked is not to compare yourself to anyone else.  Cultivate your own individual sex appeal.  Here are some suggestions:

  1. Without clothes to dress your body, hair is your only accessory.  Choose a style and color that flatters your face.  Try a wig if you want to be exotic.
  2. Cover the flaws and blemishes on your skin.  Start with a blank canvas.
  3. Glamorize your makeup to bring out your bedroom eyes and perfect pout.
  4. Breasts trigger an immediate and biological response in men – mimic the state of arousal with your nipples and use lip tints and concealer to lighten/darken or decrease the size of your nipples.
  5. Trim the hair down there into your favorite shape.
  6. Flaunt your booty.  The only way to get a perfect booty (besides winning the genetic lottery (like Amie Chadwick of Confessions of Amie))is by using Photoshop so embrace your imperfections and make the most of what you’ve got.
  7. Don’t neglect your feet.  Sexy feet are a turn on.
  8. Wear lingerie that fits.
  9. Layer your lingerie so you can put on a little strip tease.
  10. Don’t neglect your shoes.  Wedges look awful.  The best shoes to wear are stilettos.
  11. Consider using pasties.  Just be aware that they hurt to remove!
  12. Choose soft lighting – dimmer switches and candles are preferred.
  13. Have a great attitude and let it show when you shake your tail feather.
  14. Alluring aromas can be extremely evocative.  Chose a scent that make you feel sexy.
  15. Get a book or take a class to learn some stripper/burlesque moves.

There you have it, some quick tips on looking good naked.  Just remember, naked is natural so have fun!

Plain faced

I just read a story on Yahoo News about a woman named Annie Garau who decided to conduct an experiment and not wear makeup for a year.  She is now 200+ days into her experiment.  In the beginning she felt uncomfortable, undesirable, and embarrassed.  Now, 200+ days later, she feels more beautiful than she ever felt before.

She thinks every woman, no matter what she looks like, is beautiful without makeup and that it’s tragic that women are typically not happy with their appearance.

Hello cosmetic and beauty industry making billions off of the sale of their products!  Stop marketing to women by decreasing our feelings of self worth.

I’ve always felt relatively comfortable in my own skin, even without makeup.  In fact, I feel at my most beautiful when I’m camping with wavy hair no longer straightened by the blow dryer and my face totally bare, wearing a casual sundress and flip flops.

Just to prove it, I’m posting a pic of me (with an ex-bf) from a camping trip we took to the Yuba River in 2009.  And I’m encouraging all the women who read this blog to go a day without makeup and see how beautiful you can feel.