Things that never happen the the Default World

img_0113One of the great things about being located at 6:30 and E-G at Burning Man this year, besides the WONDERFUL central location, is that we happened to be across the street from Barbie Death Camp (and just a stone’s throw away from the kink factory known as Retrofrolic).

I had a FANTASTIC time at Barbie Death Camp.

I went there one day because I heard that they were giving out free massages – regular or “erotic.” They also had FOUR HANDED MASSAGES!

Now I know you all are hoping that I went for the erotic massage but those were really intended for couples – so that one partner could be instructed on how to stroke the other partner in a sexy fashion.

I got in line to get a regular massage.

While I was waiting I was urged to partake in a vinegar foot bath (to combat the alkalinity of the playa with the acidity of vinegar).

However, the foot baths looked rather dusty and unappealing and the last thing I wanted to do was soak my feet in them.

img_0163Before I knew it, my massage therapist was taking me behind the curtain to disrobe and lie naked on a massage table while she gave me a full body massage, topless.

This is Burning Man, folks.

Anything goes.

What followed was the best, most relaxing massage I’ve ever had.

Usually, I have a hard time relaxing when a stranger is touching me.

Maybe it was because I was on vacation at Burning Man. Maybe it’s because my therapist had great energy. Maybe it’s because it was noon and I already had two gin and tonics in me.

But I turned into a pile of goo right there on that massage table.

I’m fairly certain that she used coconut oil on me because I smelled like a tasty toasted coconut after my massage and my skin was beautifully hydrated and soft.

This is Burning Man, to me. A lovely afternoon getting a massage while slightly tipsy by a topless therapist who chats you up the whole time.

This would never happen in the Default World.

Sad face.

Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

Bondassage

bondThe other day, my friend Walt told me he had something done called bondassage.

It’s just what it sounds like – a combination between bondage and a massage.

Basically, you get naked, then you are blindfolded, tied up, and all sorts of stimulation is applied to your body – including slaps, strokes, massage, and flogging.

At least Walt THINKS he was flogged. He’s not entirely sure since he was blindfolded. But at the end, he felt flogged.

As Walk put it, “It’s a new thing.  There was a ton of skin stimulation with different textures that left my entire body tingling, vibrating, pulsing and whooshing for minutes after.  It’s great to just soak it in.”

Bondassage is touted as a great experience for people who want to explore BDSM but need to enter the scene slowly and with caution.

At least as much caution as is possible when you’re tied up and blindfolded (which I personally think requires a lot of trust).

The fruitful union of soothing touch and bodywork combined with something a little darker is starting to appeal to more than just your average man. Women are flocking to this new activity too. Perhaps because the appeal of BDSM and sensual massage is universal. And bondassage is so accessible.

According to Walt, it was very sexy. “I got a real good taste of it, enough that I am satisfied for now. I really liked the lighter stuff – the things that enhance sensation. I will want to learn that.”

And maybe that’s what he’s going to take away from this experience – the high sensation moments that left him feeling stimulated and satisfied. Things worth learning to please your partner.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm…

Spa Day

For the Bare Burn, the lovely leadership team bought me a gift certificate to Burke Williams Spa and I’m happy to report that I used the whole thing up yesterday.

Indeed.

But first, a little about what happened BEFORE the massage. . .

Traffic around Santana Row is ATROCIOUS and I got in a car accident.

Actually, it wasn’t a car accident, but I came SO CLOSE to rear ending someone that in my head I was mentally prepared to hit their car.

But wonder of all wonders, I didn’t make contact.

There must have been about A CENTIMETER between our bumpers.

So there’s that.

Then I had to search and search for a parking space.

By the time I found one, I NEEDED A MASSAGE just to relax.

Anyhow, I arrived only to discover that their hot tub was BROKEN, so no soaking.

I was disappointed but determined to use the steam and sauna instead.

Barbara joined me and we steamed and chatted while eating frozen grapes.

We sucked down spa water as we waited for our massages.

Then I went into my massage (with a male therapist, YIKES!).

But I took it like a champ and let him massage me and IT WAS VERY RELAXING.

He did a great job.

When I was driving in, I remember thinking, “I wish I could ask for a back scratch, because that would be FABULOUS!”

And it’s like the universe heard me because my masseur slipped on rough silk gloves, dripped warm massage oil on my back, and massaged/scratched my entire back.

It was so lovely.

By the time my massage was through, you could’ve poured me into my clothes, I was so chill.

I gotta say, as far as massages go, it was ONE OF THE BEST I’VE EVER HAD.

I quickly forgot the madness of trying to get there and found myself floating in a sea of warm, tranquil touch.

Text time, uber!

 

Perverted and inappropriate

I am once again taking off and going to RENO for a weekend.

No, it has nothing to do with Burning Man.

I’m going to visit my sister.

And she’s taking me to the Spa at the Peppermill for massages!

Woot!

However, she requested MALE massage therapists for us.

She says they give better deep tissue massages than a woman therapist.

This gives me pause.

First of all, I’m not too fond of DEEP TISSUE massages.

They tend to make me cry and BEG for mercy.

Second, I’m not too thrilled to have a man working on me.

It’s not that I object to a man massaging me.

It’s just that I do watch a lot of massage parlor porn.

Throwing a man into the mixture makes me tense up and think about sex.

A lot.

Because I’m perverted and inappropriate like that.

Can’t I just have a female therapist and enjoy a nice Swedish massage. . .

. . .then go to Sweden and give a nice sexy massage to The Swede.

I wouldn’t mind if he massaged me.

On the inside 😉

Butt cracks and snot rockets

michelleI went to the Korean Spa with my girlfriend this past weekend.

Once again, I was reminded of how fabulous their body treatments are:

A scrub and a rub (1 hour 15 minutes) for $90.

The technicians are older Korean women who are wearing black bras and underwear. I guess that’s the uniform when you work in a wet spa all day long.

They wear raw silk mitts over their hands and they scrub you down like a rotisserie chicken on a wet vinyl bed.

And I’m not kidding when I tell you that NOODLES OF DEAD SKIN COME OFF YOUR BODY!

This time around there was no belly fat on my forehead.

But I did get taught (firsthand) how to properly wash my butt.

You don’t know sh*t until you’ve been schooled by an old Korean woman wearing nothing but a bra and underwear on how to properly wash your butt crack.

After I was scrubbed raw and pink, my technician massaged me vigorously.

She massaged my face too and it was then that I realized that my forehead was sore.

I didn’t even know a forehead could be sore!

My resting bitch face is exhausting.

So there we were, naked and exposed, laying on a wet vinyl bed, getting scrubbed and rubbed by our technicians – a very basic but essential body treatment – when it happened. . .

My technician put a finger against her nose, and BLEW A SNOT ROCKET TO THE GROUND AT HER FEET.

Yes, this is the woman who clucked at me for not washing my butt thoroughly enough.

Like I’m going to take etiquette lessons from her.

Things that never happen the the Default World

img_0113One of the great things about being located at 6:30 and E-G at Burning Man this year, besides the WONDERFUL central location, is that we happened to be across the street from Barbie Death Camp (and just a stone’s throw away from the kink factory known as Retrofrolic).

I had a FANTASTIC time at Barbie Death Camp.

I went there one day because I heard that they were giving out free massages – regular or “erotic.” They also had FOUR HANDED MASSAGES!

Now I know you all are hoping that I went for the erotic massage but those were really intended for couples – so that one partner could be instructed on how to stroke the other partner in a sexy fashion.

I got in line to get a regular massage.

While I was waiting I was urged to partake in a vinegar foot bath (to combat the alkalinity of the playa with the acidity of vinegar).

However, the foot baths looked rather dusty and unappealing and the last thing I wanted to do was soak my feet in them.

img_0163Before I knew it, my massage therapist was taking me behind the curtain to disrobe and lie naked on a massage table while she gave me a full body massage, topless.

This is Burning Man, folks.

Anything goes.

What followed was the best, most relaxing massage I’ve ever had.

Usually, I have a hard time relaxing when a stranger is touching me.

Maybe it was because I was on vacation at Burning Man. Maybe it’s because my therapist had great energy. Maybe it’s because it was noon and I already had two gin and tonics in me.

But I turned into a pile of goo right there on that massage table.

I’m fairly certain that she used coconut oil on me because I smelled like a tasty toasted coconut after my massage and my skin was beautifully hydrated and soft.

This is Burning Man, to me. A lovely afternoon getting a massage while slightly tipsy by a topless therapist who chats you up the whole time.

This would never happen in the Default World.

Sad face.

Wet vinyl beds and belly fat

michelle1This post starts with a wet vinyl bed and ends with belly fat on my forehead.  What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the Korean spa… my most favorite place to go to get a scrub and a massage.

It’s a very basic treatment facility.  There’s little to no luxury but there are amazing treatments.  The body scrub in particular is amazing.  You start out lying naked spreadeagled on a wet vinyl bed.  A woman wearing a black bra and underwear throws buckets of warm water on you then starts to scrub you with her hands, covered in raw silk mitts.  It sounds crazy, but literally noodles of dead skin come off your body.

My technician this weekend was wearing a red bra and underwear.  She laughed at me a lot as I slipped and slid all over the vinyl bed.  Sometimes she would slap my ass or my thigh to get me to roll over.  There were times I was clutching the bed, desperate not to fall off.  I rotated like a rotisserie chicken on that bed until I’d been fully exfoliated twice.  Everything was exfoliated too.  This is a 100% naked treatment.  Not for those who blush easily.

After that, it was time for my massage.  My tech squirted baby oil all over me and proceeded to give me a very vigorous rub.  At one point, she was standing by my head and leaned over my body and I could feel her belly fat on my forehead.  When in Rome, you know….

I know it sounds a little odd.  I think perhaps you have to have a different cultural mindset than the standard “nudity-is-bad” American attitude.  Most of my friends swear they could never do this.  If I knew anyone who would go with me, I would take them.  The end result is glistening, gleaming, glowing, soft-as-a-baby’s-bottom skin and I for one, am sold.

One sensual day, reposted

I spent one glorious afternoon and evening with Austin last week.

I want to blog about it so that I can record every last detail.  And I don’t want to blog it so that it will only live on privately in the memories of Austin and myself. So I will blog a little, but let the details remain in my and Austin’s memories.

We had drinks at a local watering hole and shared some fish tacos.  It was a hot day and I was feeling dehydrated and a little headachy.  I needed to hydrate and relax.  So we retired to Austin’s place.

It was cool and relaxing at Austin’s place.  I found myself lounging on his couch, chatting with him.  He asked it I thought he was leading me on.  I told him I just like to think of us as friends.  That I let go of my expectations with him.

He liked that answer and reminded me that we’re “friends” who have a pretty significant physical attraction.

Then he got up to shower.  When he came out in nothing but a towel, I almost died right there.

He looked so good.  So delicious.  I’m surprised I didn’t get off the couch, crawl across the floor, and beg him to give me the towel.

But I didn’t have to beg.  Because Austin was in a teasing mood.

What he did to me, I can tell you, nearly broke me.  But I’m invested in Austin’s vow of celibacy too.  So I restrained myself.

We migrated to Austin’s bedroom.  My dress first came halfway off, then all the way off as Austin gave me the most stimulating massage I’ve ever had.

It was hard to breathe and the feeling was amazing.

Austin kept asking me to do things and my head said, “You should ALWAYS say yes to Austin.”

So I did.  I said yes to everything he asked.

Yes, do that.  Yes, please.  Yes. Yes. Yes.

And what a ride he took me on.  I was amazed.  Stunned.  Enthralled.

The beauty of it was that it all felt very seamless.  Like drifting from one activity to another in a light haze of desire and sensuality.

I had an outstanding time with Austin.  Literally not a single thing I would change about the day except to say to Austin that he made my day, my week, and quite possibly my month and I am forever grateful for his company and friendship.

Hanging at the Korean Spa with the girls

I took a trip to the Korean spa with Barbara and Rani.  Both of them had gone in the past and we all wanted to go again.  It’s always more fun to go with friends than it is to go alone.

We started out the usual way,,, by brushing our teeth, showering, and basically scrubbing the heck out of our skin.  Cleanliness is godliness at the Korean Spa.

Then we soaked in the warm bath, which is like a hot tub.  The hot bath is nearly intolerable and the cold plunge is frigid.  I spent my time going from the warm bath to the cold plunge and back.

I love the sensation of my body thawing out in the warm bath after a long cold plunge.

I also like how a dip in the cold plunge leaves me breathless.

We all got our scrubs at the same time.  We all got buckets of water thrown on us.  And they for sure slapped us around a little bit.  But it was amazing to see the dead skin roll off us like noodles.  Amazing and disgusting.  I kept trying to flick the pills of dead skin off the vinyl bed I was laying on.

Yes, I was on a slippery vinyl bed covered in soapy water.  Can you say slip and slide?

After our treatments, which Rani agreed were pretty good but pretty basic, we sat in the steam room and just relaxed and chatted until we were all ready to head to the locker room.

All in all, I had a fantastic time.  I even talked Barbara into having some pho with me at a nearby restaurant.  There’s nothing quite like a hot bowl of soup when it’s cold outside and you’ve just spent the evening soaking in a hot tub and getting the daylights scrubbed out of you.  Followed by a vigorous massage, naturally.  All for $80.

I was boneless.

Happy.

Soft.