Giving up vanilla

Vanilla guys just aren’t working out for me.

I’ve tried SO MANY TIMES to find someone who fits using Match and POF but NO LUCK.

Granted, I have an UNUSUAL lifestyle.

I go to Burning Man.

I hug and kiss all my friends.

I even get naked with them (HELLO BARE BURN).

It’s not easy to find someone who can accept these quirks.

You kind of need to be a little bit of a freak yourself to fit in with me.

Mainstream just doesn’t cut it.

Neither does religious.

And don’t get me started on CONSERVATIVES.

I am a liberal, agnostic burner with poly tendencies.

And so I am wondering if perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong pond when I use Match and POF.

Are there others, you wonder?

Why yes, there are.

I could try Lifestyle Lounge, SLS, or Kasidie.

I’ve always thought the idea of getting online just to hookup is sort of useless.

Because I really want to meet someone and fall in love.

But the more I date, the more I realize that I’ve been ruined for vanilla men.

And I’m a bit of a poly kinkster, a BIG FLIRT and a VERY OPEN-MINDED WOMAN.

À la Whitesnake

Ever since this guy I met on Match put me through a grueling picture-by-picture interrogation, I’ve been rethinking my Match.com profile pictures.

It was excruciating to hear, “And HOW old is THIS photo?” over and over again.

Yes, some of my pictures are old but that’s because I want them to show me DOING interesting things – like flying airplanes, hiking the Watchtower trail in the Sequoias, and eating a silkworm grub.

I think they APPROPRIATELY capture my essence – funny, adventurous, creative. . .

I mix them with CURRENT photos.

Photos of me at Burning Man.

Photos of me catching a salmon.

Photos of me in my sister’s hot tub.

Do you want to know what THE MOST POPULATR PHOTO OF ME IS?

It’s this picture of me leaning on my friend Geoff’s Cobra.

Indeed.

It was taken on my 34th birthday (some 9 years ago) and to be honest, the only reason I’m draped across the hood of his car is because I didn’t think he’d be happy if I tried to do the SPLITS on it.

À la Whitesnake.

Sadly, I think it’s time to retire this photo.

Although it feels like I was 34 JUST YESTERDAY, the sad fact of the matter is that it was 9 YEARS AGO.

I don’t want to be accused of misleading anyone.

But FUCK that guy for making me feel deceitful.

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Should this be my next Match.com profile?

Look.

I get it.

We’re all horny and lonely and looking for a little comfort.

The thing is, I’m looking for someone who is open to the possibility of something more developing.

Something that lasts longer than a text exchange or a conversation over dinner.

I swear, if I get one more request for naked pictures, or one more jacking off video I’m going to quit online dating FOR GOOD.

At first, I thought it was funny how many bad dates I was going on.

They made for good stories with my friends.

There was Fart Man and the Guy with Two Standard Poodles and a 6-Year Old.

Those were REALLY BAD DATES.

But now I seem to have slipped into a rut whereby every man I meet is asking for sex, sexy pictures, swing parties, BDSM action, etc.

Would it kill you to get to know me BEFORE propositioning me?

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking I’m frigid.

But I’m not.

I’m a Scorpio and come from a long line of women with very healthy sex lives.

But I don’t want to talk about sex on the first date let alone DO IT.

I’d prefer to meet someone who wants to discover more about me.

Like the fact that I ran with the bulls in 2014.

Or that I can skin an abalone in under 30 seconds.

Or that I performed with the Boston Pops in 1997.

Or that I’m a PADI certified rescue diver who can’t watch horror films unless I can sleep with the light on.

And there’s more.

So much more.

But you’re never going to find out if all you ask about is sex.

That is all.

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Inside, I was a total bitch

michelleYou would all be so proud.

I met a man.

And just like before, we started to text. Heavily.

Turns out our sons go to the same high school. And they’re in the same grade. And they know each other.

Then, right in the middle of the “conversation” he stopped texting me.

Okay.

He got busy, I’m sure. But still. . .

He messaged me the next day with a request to talk that night.

I said yes however he NEVER CALLED.

Okay.

Then, two days later, another text saying “I can talk now. Are you available?”

Now.

I was tempted to reply to him and say, “You seem like a very busy man with not a lot of free time to invest in looking for a relationship. It’s been nice texting but I think I’m looking for someone with more free time.”

Did I send that text?

No.

Why?

Because I’m chicken shit and I HATE stirring up shit.

And I didn’t want to sound bitchy.

But inside. . .

I WAS A TOTAL BITCH.

So score one for me for not going after another UNAVAILABLE man, no matter how big the size of his mortgage brokerage company.

Unavailable is unavailable.

Newest disaster

michelleSo.

“You Never Know” emailed me on Match.

He’s a 6’6″ tall 49 year old man living in nearby.

Perfect for me, right?

Well, there’s a catch.

He’s separated.

Which means MARRIED, I have to remind myself.

Separated = MARRIED.

And he’s not SEPARATED in all caps.  He separated on December 26 – a detail he was crazy enough to add to his profile.

screen-shot-2017-01-03-at-11-13-03-amOy!

I’d have to be out-of-my-skull-actual-crazy to get near this guy (though he is my KRYPTONITE).

Fortunately, I’ve learned from past experiences and I’m not taking the bait, especially since he sent me this WONKY email:

“The modesty you express in your profile is pretty darn cute. But it’s kind of BS. You pretty much are rockin’ it.”

in reference to THIS picture:

geoffMe, draped across the hood of my friend Geoff’s car.

So, despite the fact that he’s EXACTLY what I’m looking for on the surface, he’s NOTHING that I’m looking for on the INSIDE.

I’ll take a pass.

I may have been born at night, but I wasn’t born LAST NIGHT!

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So I met someone

michelleSo I met someone.

The very day I renewed my online profile at Match.com, I connected with “Rex.”

Rex is an Emergency Room RN.

In case you didn’t know, there are two nurses and two doctors in my immediate family so I am very familiar with the benefits and challenges of his career choice.

I got really excited when he talked about his pets.

I practically fell in love right then and there.

I just love me a man who loves animals.

We texted all night. He kept me up WAY PAST MY BEDTIME.

And I’m genuinely excited about meeting him.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been excited about a man.

But then he went and sent me a text message with a little heart and smiley face, and I freaked the fuck out.

A heart?

Yikes!

He is DEFINITELY available and is not holding back, that’s for sure.

So I’ve squelched the urge to bolt and am chilling out, enjoying our exchanges.

Plenty of time to freak out later, if it’s called for.

Right?

I like ‘em dirrrty

michelleOh dear.

Nothing like looking at a WALL OF PROFILE PICTURES to figure out what you’re type is.

Boy do I go for the dirty boys.

I do not like men in suits with clean shaven faces and glasses.

OH NO I DON’T.

I like them rough around the edges. Sporting facial hair with huge grins plastered on their faces.

Bonus if they are wearing a 49ers or SF Giants jersey.

And if they have a picture of their truck, we’ll I am lost!

You had me at Hemi.

Of course, dogs are a big plus too, especially if they’re BIG DOGS!

I’m not sure where I got my love of dirty men.

My own father is a retired anesthesiologist who is 5’8” tall, has a slight build, and a clean shaven face.

He is a HAIRY Middle Easterner, though.

But that’s where the similarity ends.

I guess it’s safe to say I don’t have a daddy complex.

I have a DIRTY MAN COMPLEX.

And she’s about to be fed some dirrrty boys!

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Little boys

michelleSo I rejoined Match.com only to discover I had 50 emails waiting in my inbox.

Why Match keeps my profile open when I’ve discontinued my membership I WILL NEVER KNOW.

In any case, first thing that happens is that “Shoug” winks at me.

So okay, I go to check out his profile because I can’t see his face in his profile picture – hes’ wearing a baseball cap (flat brim) that shrouds his face in darkness.

[Let this be a lesson for all you men who date online – choose profile pictures WISELY.]

And here is Shoug in another baseball cap, this time wearing it backwards.

And another pic of Shoug on a waverider.

And here’s a pic of Shoug drinking with his buddies.

And. . . I think I’d seen enough.

So I check out his profile and see he was born in 1984 – making him a whole decade younger than me.

Ah, that explains A LOT!

Here’s a tip to all the men out there, if you have a frat boy profile, stay away from mature women.

I’m not sure if I should change your diaper, burp you, or take you to the mall to buy you some “big boy clothes,” but I definitely don’t want to fool around with you.

Anyone who makes me feel like his mother is not someone I want to date.

Age 35-55 only PLEASE.

Anything less than that is just laughable.

When Match.com starts to look good. . .

michelleMaybe it’s because it’s holiday season or maybe it’s because I’ve lost my marbles, but I’m miss dating.

I know. I know.

I swore off internet dating a mere four months ago.

But you see, I’m not meeting enough men organically to keep me busy so I’m SORTA WONDERING IF I SHOULD RENEW MY ONLINE DATING PRESENCE.

In other words, JOIN MATCH.COM.

I swear, I’d never eat my words unless I really meant it, so you know I’m serious when I say:

Well, MAYBE. . .

I am aware of my attitude when I pulled out of internet dating sites like POF, Tinder, and Match.com.

And perhaps I’ll get back online and be REMINDED AGAIN of why I stopped internet dating in the first place – IT FELT LIKE A GINORMOUS WASTE OF TIME.

Then again, maybe I’ll meet some interesting people.

Maybe I’ll learn some new things.

Maybe I’ll get kissed.

Maybe. . .

Drink More, Care Less

Match is trying very hard to LURE ME BACK UNDER THE EVIL WING OF INTERNET DATING.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-07-43-pmThey send me emails with discounts combined with pictures of handsome men, all smiling at me, all looking oh-so-available and wholesome.

screen-shot-2016-11-10-at-1-08-01-pmWell, I’ve got news for Match.

I’m not looking for wholesome.

I like my men with a side of kink and an extra helping of naughty.

And yes, while it’s true I have a thing for LUMBERJACKS, I’m also beginning to realize I have a thing for burners as well.

And by “burners” I mean men who go to Burning Man, not necessarily 420-friendly.

Although after the passing of Prop 64 in California, I’m guessing that will be a lot more prevalent and socially acceptable now.

In any case, here I am facing the holidays alone and single (still) and wondering what I’m going to do about a New Year’s Eve date all the while Match is pinging me with carefully marketed emails designed to make me hopeful and optimistic about internet dating again.

id1Well, THEY FAIL.

I’d rather turn lesbian than return to the hell hole of internet dating.

Internet dating is like shooting fish in a barrel – sure, it gets the job done but it’s a messy business.

id2I wish I could trade my heart in for another liver.

So I could drink more and care less.