The Parade of Dates

Facebook is showing me profiles of “People You May Know” and somehow they have managed to be spot on.

Scrolling through those profiles is like rolling through the last 12 years of my life, in dates.

It must be because I haven’t deleted their phone numbers from my phone.

That is the sole connection I have with these men.

Some of them I dated right after my divorce in August of 2006.

I must say, they’re quite the handsome bunch of men, if a little eclectic.

There’s Charlie (yes, ANOTHER Charlie) who texted me FOREVER and yet managed to never actually take me out on a date.

Then there’s Matt – tall, blond, handsome, and very lumberjacky – who was basically MADE FOR ME but dropped me after three dates.

OMG, then there’s Link – I went out on a date with him and brought a friend because she liked his profile too so we figured we’d give him a choice.   However once meeting him, we decided he was for neither of us.

Of course there’s Louis, who is married to a young bride and (I suspect) has more children in his future, despite pushing 50.

And then, a regret. Kurt. I went out with Kurt 4 times before ghosting him. Not a proud moment on my part. He was a wonderful man.

It seems the only man who I dated who ISN’T on this list is my ex-boyfriend Luke, who has BLOCKED me on Facebook. Not because I tried to add him as a friend. Not because I was messaging him. But because he cheated on me with another woman while I was recovering from a miscarriage and the taste of his own betrayal is so bitter he has to avoid any reminder of his slimy behavior.

It’s at times like these, when I’m considering a do-over with these men, that I realize something very important.


How to freak the shit out of myself

I’ve been invited to a tantric playground.


Let me repeat that.

I’ve been invited to a SENSUAL tantric playground.

Now first of all, I know nothing of tantra. And second of all, I’ve learned through OMing that my sensuality needs to be developed (I’m a bit of a cave man when it comes to sex).

So I have two strikes against me.

But since I’m entitled to three strikes, I just might take up this challenge and go FREAK THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF through sensual tantra.

The reality is, this is billed as an opportunity to “Explore your senses with sacred sounds, breath, conscious touch and scrumptious tastes as you awaken to a more delicious experience of you. Savor the elixir of mantras and sacred poetry guided through an experience of sensory bliss. Share the gifts of sensual feeding of the mind and body in this heart expanding experience. The evening is playful and sensual but non-sexual experience nurturing one another by exploring the senses.”

I think this means that the evening will be sensual in nature but not sexual (i.e. I won’t be sitting in a room with a bunch of self-styled new-age gurus fucking each other). Which is good because I can just see myself getting stuck with a 70+ year old guy with a Gandolf beard who smells of patchouli and wears hemp clothes.  And while I’m open to a lot of things, hanging out in a room full of strangers who are fucking each other is something I’m not prepared to participate in.  I’m all for achieving erotic enlightenment, just not with a room full of people there to cheer me on.  Seems like something like that should be a little more private.

Since I’m slightly chicken to do this on my own, I’ve asked my friend Matt to go with me.

He seems adventurous and fun. And since we’ve already played together it wouldn’t be totally weird to be exploring tantra with him.

If I’m going to get all New Age silly on someone, it might as well be him.

Because in the end, this might be a total waste of time.

And I’ll need someone to roll my eyes at and laugh about it with.


So Matt and I have been flirting back and forth ever since we met a week ago.

I find it very refreshing and fun to hear from a guy exactly what I do to him physically when I’ve literally done nothing, except perhaps climb inside his head a and crawl around a little.

It’s always fun to see how much he can take.

We went out for drinks after our class on Wednesday night.

It was fun to talk to him about OM and all things sexual.

We were there with some friends from class, so we couldn’t be as unguarded as perhaps we wanted to be.

At least I held back a little.

I find it’s much easier to be wild over text messages.

And boy were we.

The break down of the night:

Yup, now you see why I like Matt.  The man has a way with words that just puts naughty thoughts into my head. He’s also just a generally fun guy to be around.

He lives 5  miles from me AND he’s learning to OM.

Sounds like I might have a source for some local OMs.


Can men and women be friends?

I briefly dated a guy. Let’s call him Matt. We saw each other for about 3 months. In that time we went on about 12 dates and had “sex” maybe 3 times. I use the word “sex” loosely because as it turned out, Matt was impotent and incapable of penetration.

Matt was awesome, however, and I adored him. We were great friends. And so even though my feelings weren’t all the way romantic towards him, I opted to get physical.

Fast forward a few months and I have finally called it quits with Matt. Mostly because he kept telling me how he wasn’t in love with me. He did it enough times and I finally got a clue…

….we were better off as friends.

We kept in touch as friends for the next three months until Matt got a girlfriend. And then I discovered how dispensable my friendship was.

“I must be brutally honest here and let you know we can’t have lunches any longer. With our history, my lady is just not comfortable with it. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially yours, but in this case I want to respect her wishes. I love her and want her to be completely comfortable. So in that light, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world, both personally and professionally. Take care Michelle.”

Now the first thing you have to understand is that this message hurt me deeply. The second thing you have to understand is that it pissed me off.

Why do men cater to insecure women who feel that any female is a threat to their relationship? I don’t understand this. But I have a feeling men like jealousy in a woman. Why else would Matt agree to dump a pretty great friendship? Why wouldn’t he suggest we at least meet each other and see if his lady could be more comfortable with me?

Love makes men insane and it turns women into raging bitches sometimes.

Is this a portent of things to come? Will she start controlling his friendships with men too? His social life? YOU EFFING BET SHE WILL.

Why stop at a slice when you can OWN THE WHOLE PIE?

So can men and women be friends? You better bet your ass they can.  But not if there’s an insecure woman involved. Then that bitch is devious.

And Matt…. Well I have parting words for him…