The most flattering picture of me in the known universe

As I creep closer to 50, I find myself struggling harder against the signs of aging.

Perhaps it’s all in vain, but I can’t help myself.

I don’t want to look old before my time.

I want to look young, and firm and smooth!

So I’m getting my melasma removed via a very irritating process known as the Spectra Laser Peel.

It feels like a little electrical ZAP! going on right next to your skin and it’s hella annoying.

And by annoying, I mean slap-your-esthetician-annoying.

I have to lay on my hands to keep myself from swatting her hands away.

In any case, they first put a black carbon solution on your face like a mask which they then ZAP! away.

The nurse left the room after applying the mask and out of curiosity, I snapped a picture of what I looked like in the carbon mask.

And, as it turns out, I took the most flattering picture of me in the known universe:

And I’m just wondering, perhaps if I put this as my online dating profile picture, I’ll get some decent dates?

Nothing is sexier than a woman laying on a table, with a carbon mask on her face, eh?

Vanity, vanity. . .

For most of my life, I’ve been blessed with good skin.

I owe it mostly to the fact that I took a job at a spa years ago and the owner really emphasized the importance of wearing sunscreen and I listened to her.

Of course, growing up in California, I’ve had a lot of exposure to the sun.

When I turned 30 I got the sun damage removed with IPL (Intense Pulsed Light).

The results were outstanding.

Well it’s now 10 years later and I’m dealing with something more tenacious than sun damage.

I’m dealing with MELASMA, a hormone based skin discoloration that is primarily on my forehead.

So I’m getting laser treatments to remove it.

The treatments feel like someone setting off little electrical charges about a centimeter from your face.

It doesn’t hurt but GOD, is it annoying!

I want to swat the technician’s hand away when she ‘s zapping me.

Instead I clutch my hands together and try to imagine I’m on a tropical beach somewhere lying in the sun listening to the waves.

When the treatment is over, my skin feels slightly sunburned but there’s no redness or lingering irritation.

I’m waiting to see what my skin looks like after 3 treatments.

I’ve been told it can take up to 10 treatments to get the best effect.

That’s $1,500 worth of skin treatments, by the way.

We shall see how this goes.

One thing is for sure, I don’t want to start wearing foundation.

It would be great to get my melasma taken care of because I am so self-conscious about it.

And my vanity is just not letting me give up without a fight!

Getting old SUX!

I’ll admit it, I was smug.

Growing up, I always had great skin.

No pimples. No breakouts.

Not even as a teenager.

But then I got older.

First, I got wrinkles.

None around my eyes, though I’m sure those are on their way.

But on my forehead and between my eyebrows.

Bring on the BOTOX!

Taken care of.

And all that sun damage from living in California?

Yeah, that showed up too.

All those times I slathered up with BABY OIL and hit the pool with NOT A STITCH OF SUNSCREEN ON AT ALL?

Finally caught up to me.

So I saw my dermatologist and had my sun damage removed, courtesy of 6+ FotoFacial sessions (a tidy little $1K investment).

Whew! Sun damage gone. What a relief!

Then I developed melasma on my forehead.

Courtesy of having babies (it’s also known as the pregnancy mask).

Not so easy to get rid of.

So at age 42, I finally started wearing foundation to cover up my melasma.

And then. . .


My hormones have hit the skids as I experience the beginning of menopause.


Large, red, angry, deep below the surface, sporting fucking horns and a pitchfork which they use to irritate the bejesus out of you.

So, at age 42, I had to go to my doctor and get a prescription for topical antibiotics to treat my acne.

All this is to say, I am of course fighting the inevitable.

One day, I will be a wrinkled old lady whose looks have long since faded.

Hopefully by the time that happens, I will be a coupled up, happy grandmother with plenty of love and adventure in my life.

But today, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: