Checking up

There’s this one boyfriend who I recall very fondly.

He was sweet and sexy and talented.

And boy did we have a love affair!

In any case, it’s been YEARS since we communicated and we are not friends on Facebook.

Then, just the other day, I happen to open up LinkedIN on my phone and voilá!

An update:

My ex-boyfriend just checked out my profile.

Now, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t think of him from time to time.

Because I do.

But enough time has passed that it’s not a steady presence in my mind.

I paused a moment.

Memories came back to me and I found myself smiling.

But I did not click on the link to see his profile.

I do not tempt myself with what I can not have.

Dear you… Love, Me

MichelleI was sick this past weekend with an unpleasant cold and I spent my days in bed watching movies. I rather unwisely chose to watch movies from the ROMANCE genre which had the lovely effect on me of making me sad, lonely, and horny.

I DO NOT recommend watching romance flicks when you’re single. They will only serve to make you feel like an American version of Bridget Jones without the lovely British accent and Mark Darcy waiting in the wings.

Instead of composing blog posts (like I should have been doing), I composed letters in my head to “The One Who Got Away” and “The Man I Can’t Forget.

Romantic letters.

Letters telling him how much I miss him and how I think of him every day.

How my boys still talk about him and ask how he’s doing.

Some boyfriends fade into the background once the relationship is over. Dave, is a perfect example of that. It becomes harder and harder to recall a single memory of the two of us together.

But others, oh other boyfriends take on a life of their own and become your fantasy when you are turned on. The person you compose letters to in your head when you are lonely. And the one whose name pinches your heart a little when you hear it.

Now during the holiday season, the memories are especially strong.

We both LOVED Christmas and had a spectacular time shopping and exploring the Bay Area during the holidays.

We once saw a whole army of Santa Clauses on a beach in Santa Cruz.

j-m1We had drinks at the Ritz-Carlton with his parents and took pictures in front of their ginormous Christmas tree while the bagpipes played in the distance.

I inundated him with gifts, particularly a handmade quilt with a special theme for him.

The letters I write always start out the same.

“Dear you…”

and they end with “Love, me.”

Grief and living

There is a clarity in grief.  As if somehow being unable to hide from the reality of death anymore makes us so much more skilled at living.

I’ve always found it ironic that the times in my life that I’ve felt critically alive are the time when I’ve been grieving:

  • when my son Douglas died
  • when my friend Andrew and his son Zachary were murdered
  • when I received a difficult medical diagnosis
  • When my dog fell out of my car on Highway 80 and was hit and killed

Shocking.  Sudden.  Instantaneous loss.  It shook me out of my complacent stupor and reminded me that life is fleeting.

That in the end, none of us gets out of this alive and someday it will all be over 😦

And there’s something about not just knowing that but actually feeling it in your body that make us all live a little brighter.  Enjoy our lives a little bit more.  Sometimes, a great deal more.

All we are left with are memories.  Which is why I feel an overwhelming desire to create more memories – with my family, with my friends, and especially with my children.

I have renewed enthusiasm in getting out there and doing something fun.  Starting with this weekend.

I’m taking Duncan and going to my aunt and uncle’s cabin in Pollock Pines.

There will be shenanigans

Oh yes.