Eff all the boys. Tonight, I’m going out with the girls!
Victoria’s secret lipgloss – $7. Trashy.com lingerie – $105. Genetics – Free. Not giving a rat’s ass if men cheat, lie, and otherwise act shamefully – PRICELESS!
So, I have a dilemma.
I’ve given up internet dating.
This is a good thing.
Internet dating was damaging my view of men in the Bay Area.
I felt stuck in a porno, unable to escape.
Every man wanted sex – from the guy who described his ideal woman as someone without a gag reflex to the guy whose username was Luv2eatacos.
Fuck actually making a connection with someone.
This I think, is not the norm.
I mean of course men want sex.
But I think there are men out there who are single, available, and NOT TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH SEX.
Let’s call them Men-Who-Can-Make-Meaningful-Connections-With-Women.
My dilemma is this:
HOW DO YOU MEET MEN LIKE THIS?
They’re OBVIOUSLY not online.
So where do I go?
Please, someone tell me because the only thing I hate more than giving up is giving up and doing nothing about it.
I have no intention of wallowing in misery, alone for the rest of my life.
But I also have no intention of going back online to play the nymphomaniac to men who think that women are sex objects.
Should I just leave it to serendipity or should I somehow mix and mingle and put myself out there?
It has been SO LONG since I felt even a SMIDGE of love for a member of the opposite sex, it’s almost like I’m incapable of the emotion.
Oh sure, there was Luke AGES AGO.
And then The Pirate, who I imagined myself to be in love with.
But that was three years ago.
Should I worry?
Am I just not meeting men who tug at my heart strings or am I truly broken?
Yes, there’s The Swede who I simply ADORE.
He’s in my heart.
And there’s Coke Can Dan who makes me faint of heart.
But I’m not in love.
The other day someone called me “protective” and I think that’s true.
I am protective.
And NERVOUS about falling for someone.
But I KNOW FOR CERTAIN that I just haven’t felt the tug to go in the direction of love in the past few years.
Because when all is said and done, I am a RISK TAKER.
And given even a GLIMPSE of sharing happiness with another human being, I will risk getting hurt EVERY TIME.
And let me tell you this, I MEET A LOT OF MEN.
So why I’m not in love is a mystery to me.
Maybe I’m broken.
So, I’m on a new dating website – SLS.
The emphasis is more on hooking up and less on making that “ONE MAGICAL” connection.
And so far, I kinda like it.
It’s like Tinder, but with less subterfuge.
Less subterfuge than TINDER???
Is this even possible?
One man instantly asked me if he could come over the next morning to fuck.
Clearly, he does not understand the safety precautions a middle aged, sexually-active woman needs to take to keep herself safe from harm in 2018.
But this man is the exception to the rule.
Most of the men I meet online through SLS are thoughtful, well-written, and funny.
In fact, I daresay I’ve met a better quality of men on SLS than I ever met on POF or Match.
Sure there was the one eager beaver I encountered.
There was also a guy who proposed we go out into the wilderness to fool around.
Again, safety issues come to mind.
I don’t want my bones found by hunters 30 years from now on a hillside because I walked into a forest with the wrong man.
Not fucking likely to do that!
But then there are a host of single guys just looking for company.
Yes, their expectation is that eventually it will become adult company.
But I’m okay with that.
How is that any different than what I’ve got going on anyway?
At least this is honest.
I have been back online for less than a week and already my inbox is flush with emails.
Ironically, I seem to be meeting a lot of military men.
Men who work in security.
First responders and police officers.
These men are pretty straight and narrow – no drugs (good) and no alcohol (how do they do it?).
It’s ironic isn’t it, that I seem to attract men who are quite the opposite of myself.
I’m a rather creative type.
Always working on a new costume, writing a blog post, or off living an adventure.
For goodness sake, I attend Burning Man, an experimental temporary community in the Nevada desert filled with alternative art, music and entertainment.
I can’t complain too much, though.
I find the discipline that these men exhibit very attractive.
For a flighty type like myself, I benefit from being paired with someone who is a rock and can help me tether myself to the ground while still enjoying my creative tendencies.
I can’t help but wonder though if my passions, creativity and lack of structure will ultimately prove incompatible with a disciplined lifestyle.
Or perhaps if we might fill a mutual void in each other’s lives and balance ourselves out.
Opposites attract, they say.
Vanilla guys just aren’t working out for me.
I’ve tried SO MANY TIMES to find someone who fits using Match and POF but NO LUCK.
Granted, I have an UNUSUAL lifestyle.
I go to Burning Man.
I hug and kiss all my friends.
I even get naked with them (HELLO BARE BURN).
It’s not easy to find someone who can accept these quirks.
You kind of need to be a little bit of a freak yourself to fit in with me.
Mainstream just doesn’t cut it.
Neither does religious.
And don’t get me started on CONSERVATIVES.
I am a liberal, agnostic burner with poly tendencies.
And so I am wondering if perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong pond when I use Match and POF.
Are there others, you wonder?
Why yes, there are.
I could try Lifestyle Lounge, SLS, or Kasidie.
I’ve always thought the idea of getting online just to hookup is sort of useless.
Because I really want to meet someone and fall in love.
But the more I date, the more I realize that I’ve been ruined for vanilla men.
And I’m a bit of a poly kinkster, a BIG FLIRT and a VERY OPEN-MINDED WOMAN.
I’m back to internet dating.
Because I already know all the single burner men in my Village and none of them interest me beyond friendship (and visa versa).
And honestly, I really don’t meet many single men my own age when I’m out and about.
I meet students and professors but they’re all upwardly mobile and I am holding steady as a modest event planner.
So it’s internet dating.
I met a guy the other day.
He seemed lovely and we chatted via Skype.
I like to see people’s faces when I talk to them.
I get a really good idea of who they are and what interests them.
Much more so than texting.
So there I am skyping when he takes me into the bathroom with him.
Because he had to go pee.
I quickly excused myself.
Time to go.
But he calls me back when he’s done.
I talk to him for a few minutes then excuse myself, hang up, and get back online.
Suddenly I get a message from him ONLINE.
He sends me a pouty emoticon with the words, “Why are you online? Weren’t we just talking?”
Now, let me tell you this.
There is no room for possessiveness in my life.
I love my friends.
We kiss and hug all the time.
A jealous man will get NOWHERE with me.
Realizing this, I tell this guy that it’s probably best if we don’t go out.
What happened next was a flurry of passive-aggressive texts that he sent to me.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why don’t you like me?”
“Well, YOUR loss.”
“I’m not into you either.”
And blah, blah, blah.
So there you have it.
Back on internet dating for a week and already the crazies are coming out of the woodwork.
One of the reasons I like Coke Can Dan so much apart from his obvious talent, is that he is a liberal lumberjack.
You all know I like lumberjacks.
And lumberjacks are easy to come by.
But liberal lumberacks?
Not so easy.
Gun-toting, Trump-supporting, conservative lumberjacks are a dime a dozen.
I could go through them as fast as I go through Kleenex during a head cold.
Case in point – I met a man online who looked quite good on paper.
Interested in a relationship?
But then I took a closer look at his profile pics.
And he is standing at a gun range, reloading a gun, wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat.
This is what pushes me off internet dating in the first place.
My tendency to meet men who are totally and completely inappropriate for me.
Could I ever date a Trump supporter?
There are fundamental things I believe in like basic human rights, the environment, health care, women’s rights, and a foreign policy that doesn’t involve being the pawn of Russia which I consider incompatible with the Trump platform.
I could listen to Coke Can Dan talk about his dislike of Trump FOR HOURS.
Or wax poetic on how important it is to protect our environment.
So of course when I’m online looking at profiles, I’m trying to find someone like Coke Can Dan.
A liberal lumberjack.
An open-minded hipster.
Just so long as he hates Donald Trump, the minority-elected president of this great nation.
I should never meet men when I’m ovulating.
As you may know, I don’t use birth control for two reasons:
For one week out of the month, I take a little ride on my roller coaster of hormones and IT’S DAMN FUN!
Oh, don’t worry.
I haven’t done anything.
I’ve been really good.
But the sexting thing?
It’s back in FULL FORCE.
Because the next best thing to getting laid is to talk about getting laid.
And I am helpless to stop myself ones the hormones take hold of me.
Before I know it, I’m breathlessly texting a friend.
Sending provocative pictures.
The other day, as I was sexting, I realized how much I like it.
How it’s part of the flirt for me.
Part of the chase.
Can he keep my attention without being too overt?
Will he say something too graphic and turn me off?
Can we keep the momentum going or will we lose interest?
Lately it’s been a string of good sexts.
So I have nothing to complain about and everything to celebrate.
Another successful hormone run through the streets of Michelle’s libido!
I have a curvy body.
It’s always been curvy, ever since I was in grade school wearing a D-cup bra in 7th grade.
My body is far from perfect.
I will never give Heidi Klum or Kate Upton a run for their money.
And I’m okay with that.
After YEARS of hating my body and trying to diet and exercise it into a mainstream shape, I’ve given up.
The downside to not having a perfect body is that I don’t look good from all angles.
The upside is, I gave away my last fuck years ago.
I will get naked and jump in a hot tub along with the rest of the crowd, heedless of who is looking at my naked body.
I want to have fun and I don’t want to let anything to get in the way.
I’ve got that too.
Pretty sure there’s acres of it on my backside.
I’ve got that in spades!
Ultimately, I think we all just like looking – naked, clothed, perfect, flawed, or whatever.
And every time I feel like I need to look different than how I look, I remind myself of the incredibly hot man who literally scooped me up and carried me off to his bed at Burning Man 2015.
Some guys (really) LIKE IT!