Tall, dark and random

I’m in Reno, where every other man is in jeans and flannels, and facial hair comes standard on all the men.

I’m literally FLOATING in a sea of lumberjacks.

Well, color me happy!

But seriously, here every guy is an outdoorsman, drives a truck, and can operate heavy machinery.

I’ve been swiping on Tinder, just to get an idea of what’s out there in Reno.

Visually, I’m in my dating Mecca.

Substance-wise I’m in Death Valley.

Because there’s a whole lot of red hats here in Washoe County.

In fact, a Oldsmobile decked out in TRUMP swag was spotted in Virginia City today compete with blaring “Proud to be an American. . .” blaring over a loud speaker.

I’ve got to find me a LIBERAL lumberjack.

One who rescues homeless puppies and finds them homes.

The kind of man who works all day only to come home and braid his daughter’s hair for bed time.

I want a man who can shoe horn a 30 foot Winnebago into a 28 foot parking spot.

A man who has as many friends from his childhood as he does from his adult life because he makes friends every where he goes.

I want a man who can make other people laugh and who possesses a passionate soul.

I’m just looking for someone tall, dark and random.

Online dating in a shelter-at-home state

My experiment with profile photos taught me some valuable lessons.

Do you remember when I put THIS as my profile pic?

Well, needless to say I have learned not to expect to sip safely from the firehose when it’s turned on full force.

It was a deluge.

Here are my new profile photos:

I must admit, there may be fewer matches, but my matches have been better suited to me than when I posted my boudoir photo.

But the nature of online dating is changing.

Everyone seems more willing to text first for a while – even the men who COMPLAIN about having to text are getting into the swing of things.

I’ve hosted a few FaceTime dates myself.

It’s only slightly more awkward than meeting in person.

As a writer, this thrills me.

I express myself with words and I respond to text better than most.

I’m intrigued to see how the age of corona virus will affect online dating.

I for one have slowed down my swiping, but find myself texting longer with men than I have in the past.

It’s not like we can just meet up for a drink anymore.

Instantly Amazing, just add alcohol

Yesterday I wrote a blog post and I titled it “Not Instantly Amazing.”

It was a knee jerk reaction to having yet another first date with a man who I’m sure went right back on Tinder and started swiping left and right as soon as he got home.

I should clarify:

I am an AMAZING person.

I am EXTRAORDINARY, just like everyone else on the planet.

A real one-of-a-kind treasure.

I wish I had the bandwidth to maintain relationships with more people because (as I’m fond of saying about my birthfamily) more people to love and to love you is NEVER a bad thing.

The trick of course, is to manage to put yourself out there.

And in my humble opinion, people are now unwilling to take more time to get to know you because it’s so easy to just get back online and start swiping.

A friend made a comment on my blog post “Not Instantly Amazing”:

You have such presence.  I find this hard to believe.

And it’s true.

I do have presence.

But it’s much easier to be myself in a Burning Man crowd than on a first date when I go into information gathering mode:  what do you do, how many kids do you have, what are your hobbies, etc.?

First dates are hard.

I should know, I go on SO MANY.

So perhaps I should revise my post title from “Not Instantly Amazing” to “Instantly Amazing, just add alcohol.”

Because a little liquid libation goes a long way to socially lube up a conversation.

Is Meetup the new Tinder?

Sorry for the missing and recycled posts.

I’ve been sick and haven’t been blogging as much.

No worries.

It’s not Coronavirus.

It’s a gastrointestinal bug that’s been keeping me under the weather.

I was so sick, I medicated then slept for 12 hours straight.

While I was sick, I got a message from Adam through MeetUp.

MeetUp is a kind of social outing platform for those wanting to adventure out and meet new people while trying their hand at new activities.

It’s not a dating site per se, but it certainly is a good way to meet single men and women.

Looking back through my MeetUp inbox, I discovered over 20 messages, all from single men, seeking an introduction.

How do I feel about MeetUp introductions?

I like them.

Of course most of them didn’t sound like a Knight from the Round Table speaking so formally as Adam.

Most we’re like “Hey there!  We have an interest in common.  Wanna see if we get along?”

It’s touching really that they reached out to connect.

But I prefer to leave MeetUp as an activity platform and Tinder for online dating.

It’s not that Tinder is any better, I just feel like if I want to meet someone organically, I try MeetUp.

If I want to meet someone virtually, I try Tinder.

And right now I have WAY MORE TIME for Tinder than MeetUp.

Pretty damn sweet

The Viking left for Norway on Friday afternoon.

He got on a big jet airplane and flew to Copenhagen then Oslo, leaving me 5,000 miles behind.

But before he left, he took to his Tinder profile to send me a brief message:

Gooodbye Michelle

You know you’ve made an impression when he takes over his Tinder profile to say goodbye.

I’ve got to admit, between him, The Swede, and Charlie the Aussie, I’ve met some interesting men on Tinder.

Maybe none of them were love matches, but for sure they were fascinating people with interesting lives.

And don’t forget, I took a trip to Sweden to visit The Swede and got a lovely little adventure out of our friendship.

Perhaps a trip to Norway is in my future?

Who knows.

What I do know is that if you come from elsewhere in the globe, putting that detail in your Tinder profile increases your chances of getting a date.

Even Hoboken is exotic, if you’re from San Jose.

Help!

I’m on Tinder.

This is no surprise to you.

The other day I got a message from a guy:

Hold the phone!

I get the “I like the curves” comment but am I fucking cross eyed in my pictures?

Seriously?

WTF!?

Maybe he said it just to get a rise out of me because I’m half tempted to respond with:

WHAT CROSSED EYES!?

Instead I’m ignoring his comment but taking to my blog to vent.

Crossed eyes?!

If I thought my eyes were crossed on my photos would I post them?

I think not!

Who wants to look like an imbecile in their photos.

What a moron!

Oh dear, do my eyes cross?

Is there something to what he’s saying?

So I’m asking you guys, do my eyes cross in one of these pictures?

Which one?

Help!

Putting the ‘sin’ in single

First of all I must say I’m not really sinning, I’m just saying that I am because it sounds good but my mom will FREAK OUT and worry about me if I don’t put this disclaimer up, so I am.

It’s not sinful to date.

Oh sure, maybe the way SOME people do it, but overall I’m a nice girl just looking for a steady man to hang out with.

I’ve re-dedicated myself to finding a partner and as such, am spending a lot of time in the evenings texting strangers and hoping for the best.

I’ve messaged MANY men and been taken out on SEVERAL dates, all of which still have promise.

The other night I had a great date which included a dozen oysters on the half-shell, a bottle of red wine and a tasty Bywater Sazerac.

I’m rediscovering the joys of the older man.

We’re talking 60 years old or older.

By and large, I’ve found them to be perfect gentlemen – the kind who open doors, carry on a good conversation and walk me to my car when the date ends.

There’s a lot to be said for older men.

For one, their kids are older so I don’t have to schedule activities around gymnastics practices, soccer matches, and school fundraisers.

They’re also pretty stable, getting close to retirement and fairly financially savvy.

I could learn a thing or two from them about financial stability and budgeting.

Yes, I like men who are my age.

There’s something really exciting about a man who is hitting his stride personally and professionally.

But there’s also something to be said for the man who has been there, done that, and wrote a book on the subject.

Older men are knowledgeable, and I find that fascinating.

So much to learn from them, it makes my head spin.

Fishing for flesh

The thing about Tinder is that some people fill out a profile, and others leave it blank.

I prefer filled out profiles because they AT LEAST give me a hint as to the personality of the person I’m considering swiping right on.

One of the details that can be filled out is a “theme song” from Spotify.

I always like to see what songs men list.

My song is “Good as Hell” by Lizzo because OF COURSE!

Here are some of the other good ones I’ve come across:

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2.

Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar.

Cold Heart Bitch by Jet.

But HANDS DOWN my favorite is Neighbors Know My Name by Trey Songz.

The way you scream my name
Whoa, girl the love we made
Gone keep on bangin’ on the wall, but nothings gonna change
I bet the neighbors know my name

Don’t have to wonder what this guy is doing on Tinder.

He’s fishing for FLESH!

LongDong ShagsWell

michelleToday I got a wink from a guy with the username LongDong ShagsWell.

I’m not kidding.

He sent me an email but I didn’t read it before the censors got to him and deleted his account.

Most men who date online have sweet usernames:

  • Looking 4 You
  • Kisses n Nibbles
  • The One 4 U

Occasionally, you get a guy who uses his real name as a username. Like Jack Bentley.

These are all very acceptable usernames.

I must admit, however, that I clicked on LongDong Shagswell’s link faster than the speed of light. I was thinking, “Any man who calls himself LongDong Shagswell has got to be a hoot. And probably TERRIBLE in bed.”

Sadly, we’ll never get to know.

I always find it funny when men go fishing on mainstream (aka VANILLA) sites as opposed to LIFESTYLE sites with headlines like LongDong Shagswell or Luvs To Eat Tacos.

What? Is he going to take me to a taqueria and have me feed him tacos until I have to roll him out the door to get him home?

Don’t these men know they’re barking (mostly) up the wrong tree.

There are sites for that, you know.

Mommy

I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell this story.

It’s the story of me and someone I dated who had an infantilism fetish.

Now the first thing you should know is that I don’t knock anyone’s fetish.

And because of that, I thought well hey, maybe I can do this.

After all, I’ve got the muffins for it.

But as it turns out, no.

I do not have the composition necessary to engage in these activities.

For one, the milk has long since dried up and I’m not anxious to get it back.

I felt like a big lactating cow when I was nursing my kids.

Not sexy.

And another thing – when someone calls me “mommy” I think of my babies which is great when you’re raising kids but awful when you’re trying to get your groove on.

I politely asked him to me called “Mimi” instead of “mommy” but that didn’t cut it with this guy.

My foray into infantilism lasted all of one date.

When it’s not for you, it’s clear that IT’S NOT FOR YOU.

And that’s when I realized I was looking for something different.

Perhaps a man who doesn’t sign all his text messages with the milk bottle and water droplet emoji.

Now, you may think of this as a setback but every time I clarify one more thing I’m not looking for, and I’m confident it’s not for me, well that just puts me one step closer to knowing what I DO want.

So I can confidently say I know one more thing about myself.

I’ll get to where I need to be by process of elimination.