None of this is safe for work

I’m not entirely sure how I found out about bawdy storytelling.

It all started with Richard Cheese (aka Dick Cheese) who my sister introduced me to one day.

Admittedly, he is less bawdy and more lounge singer. . .

Then my fondness for inappropriate lyrics expanded with Rachel Lark.

I think it was my friend Dante who clued me in to the bawdy songstress.

I listened to her songs and laughed my ass off, listening to the graphic lyrics of ‘Warm, Bloody and Tender.’

And I was lucky enough to see her play at Dustfish at Burning Man.

I’m only too happy to share my love of bawdy storytelling with new friends I make.

And the other day, I got into a bawdy storytelling war with my new friend Nathan.

He saw me my Rachel Lark and raised me one Steven Lynch.

Have you heard his song about a gerbil?

Oh God!

You’ll blush but you’ll laugh.

I brought up Garfunkel and Oates.

Who hasn’t heard ‘The Blowjob Song’ or ‘The Loophole’?

Of course, none of these songs are appropriate and you must come back and listen to them when you’re in the privacy of your own home.

None of this is safe for work.

unSCruz 2018: Playground for adults

The thing about unSCruz is that it’s EXACTLY LIKE A PLAYGROUND FOR ADULTS.

All the things you wish existed out there in the world for you to enjoy exist within unSCruz.

Art.

Music.

Would you like to join in a cuddle puddle on a flying ship?

Done.

Take nude photos with a professional photographer?

You can have it.

Learn about kinks you never knew you had?

Wish granted!

Something that TOTALLY BLEW ME AWAY this year was the Rainbow Trike Track.

Basically someone built a mini tricycle track inside one of the warehouses at unSCruz and you could hop on one of the rainbow trikes (think Big Wheels for adults) and get squirrely on the track!

I know!

So much fun!

Open bars?

Yes please (though no outside alcohol is allowed in unSCruz)!

In my heart of hearts, my home away from home will always be Ali Bar Bar.

And they had a magnificent new marquee!

And of course, the best and sexiest bartenders!

unSCruz even had a BURN!

And it was a great burn because the man lit up beautifully but didn’t fall down for quite some time.

More blaze for everyone to enjoy!

All in all, quite the magnificent trip and so worth all the effort that went into planning and executing.

Tahoe Trip: Rock, Paper, Scissors

If I told you that the concert that I went to at Harvey’s Lake Tahoe with Sting and Peter Gabriel, two brilliant Englishmen, was AWESOME I would be understating the experience.

It was MORE THAN AWESOME.

It was epic.

A once-in-a-lifetime experience.

History in the making.

Sting shaved off his beard and was looking particularly devilishly handsome.

Especially when he rocked his hips during “Sledgehammer.”

I’ve never been fond of sledgehammers, but at the moment I was convinced that he could “sledgehammer” me and I’d be quite happy with the outcome.

My sister and I drank nothing but water at the concert so we were sobering up as the concert progressed which might be why I remember more of the end of the concert than the beginning.

Of course it could also be that they pulled out all the stops as the concert climaxed.

My heels, which I’d been wearing ALL DAY since 5 am, failed me and so I had to sit for most of the concert and watch the show on the Jumbotron.

Here are some of my favorite pics from the concert:

IMG_9948 IMG_9949
IMG_9952 IMG_9955

 

Drama! Oy!

I went to Summer Country music festival in the Sonoma County Fairgrounds this past weekend. And I must say, for not being a country music fan, I had a GREAT TIME.

My friend Kimberly WON the tickets on the radio ALONG WITH TWO NIGHTS STAY IN THE KITSCHY FLAMINGO HOTEL.

We had a blast.

You know how when you go to concerts there’s always some crazy guy or girl dancing like a maniac?

Well, I’m usually the person sitting RIGHT BEHIND that person.

So my entire view of the concert is distracted by the WILD GYRATIONS of the crazy dancer.

Not kidding.

This concert, I had a different experience.

I sat behind the couple breaking up.

And oh how I longed for the crazy dancer.

He was stoic. She was crying. They were arguing with each other in very loud voices so they could be heard over the music.

It was SO PAINFUL to watch.

Apparently, his ex girlfriend has been spending the night and he’s been cheating on her.

But he wants to marry her not the ex girlfriend.

It was all very dramatic.

I could’ve totally done WITHOUT IT!

It spoiled the music to have them yelling at each other right in front of me.

I thought of Burning Man, where nothing dramatic ever happens (cough) and I wanted to say to this couple, “My camp at Burning Man is a NO DRAMA camp and YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO CAMP WITH US!”

But that would of course go against the spirit of radical inclusion, so I said nothing.

Finally, they got up and left – with him trying to hold her hand and her yanking her hand out of his reach.

Drama!

Oy!

Save

Booty-Hanging-Out Shorts

This past weekend, my friend Kimberly and I went to the Sonoma County Fairgrounds to experience the weekend-long music festival Country Summer.

It was FUCKING hot.

I nearly melted into a puddle of sweat and self-tanner, it was that fucking hot.

John Michael Montgomery, who wears all black – black jeans, black longsleeve shirt, black cowboy hat, had to leave the stage and douse himself with water HE WAS THAT FUCKING HOT.

Needless to say, most of us festival goers dressed more appropriately, but I would like to bring up the titillating trend that I noticed at the festival – the tendency of women to wear cutoff jeans shorts with THEIR BOOTIES HANGING OUT!

You think I jest, here’s proof. . .

Yes indeed, a snapped a surreptitious photo of one of the more dramatic women I saw there.

I couldn’t help myself.

It was just there, like a mound of jello, waiting to jiggle.

And I kid you not, she was not the only one.

There were numerous women I encountered during the day whose booties were hanging out for all to see.

It’s takes a brave woman to let the whole world be your gynecologist!

Nevertheless, I’m a firm believer in “Flaunt it if you’ve got it.” So I heartily support this fashion trend.

It could be a lot worse after all.

They could be wearing these. . .

50 Anti Valentine’s Day Songs

av13Wanna know what I’m going to be listening to this Valentine’s Day?  A whole bunch of angry feminist pop music.

“Someone Like You” will slake my frustration over the one that got away.

“Irreplaceable” is perfect for that guy who left me for another woman WHILE I WAS HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.

“Survivor” is the perfect anthem for making me feel strong and empowered.

And of course there’s a little Judas Priest in there so I can really vent my anger over the DISASTER THAT IS INTERNET DATING.

  1. God, I Get It – K. Michelle
  2. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
  3. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
  4. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé
  5. Bulletproof – La Roux
  6. Never Getting Back Together – Taylor Swift
  7. The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
  8. Doing it Wrong – Drake
  9. Someone Like You – Adele
  10. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  11. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
  12. Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie
  13. “IDFWU” – Big Sean
  14. Love Hurts – Gram Parsons
  15. It Must Have Been Love – Roxette
  16. So Sick – Ne-Yo
  17. You Bowed Down – Elvis Costello & The Attractions
  18. Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
  19. Blow Me (One Last Kiss) – P!nk
  20. You Got Lucky – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
  21. These Boots Are Made For Walking – Nancy Sinatra
  22. You Had Me – Joss Stone
  23. I Will Survive – Cake
  24. Hit the Road Jack – Ray Charles
  25. F*ck You – Ce Lo Green
  26. Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye
  27. I Kicked a Boy – The Sundays
  28. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
  29. One is the Magic Number – Jill Scott
  30. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
  31. Ridin’ Solo – Jason Derulo
  32. No Scrubs – TLC
  33. Stronger – Britney Spears
  34. What the Hell – Avril Lavigne
  35. Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte
  36. Single – Natasha Bedingfield
  37. Single Ladies – Beyoncé
  38. What Comes Around Goes Around – Justin Timberlake
  39. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake
  40. Survivor – Destiny’s Child
  41. Love the Way You Lie – Rhianna
  42. All of Me – John Legend
  43. Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus
  44. I’m Good, I’m Gone – Lykke Li
  45. Heartbeats – The Knife
  46. Love Bites – Judas Priest
  47. Fighter – Christina Aguilera
  48. Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
  49. Here I go Again – Whitesnake
  50. Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

Reunion

michelleSo.

I went to my 25th high school reunion and by and large REALLY ENJOYED THE MUSIC.

I went in with low expectations, basically hoping that I’d meet a friend or two and catch up.

And I did!

I caught up with Kimberly, who I hadn’t seen in over a year.

I ran into people I recognized and people who I’d totally forgotten (sorry Eric and Jason).

But once again I was reminded of online dating – where the focus is on making small talk and getting to know the details (married, kids, job, where you live) etc., rather than making a real connection.

But by far what took the cake was running into a high school classmate who literally couldn’t stand to clap his eyes on me.

He was the one in the fancy suit who was posturing about, looking important with his wife who was obviously trying WAY TOO HARD.

Mentally, I rolled my eyes. HARD.

Meathead in high school, meathead in life.

Some people never change.

But oh, the ones who had!

One woman had so much work done she was UNRECOGNIZABLE!

By and large, I was impressed with my classmates as a whole. People I barely knew in high school chatted with me and shared their lives.

They were friendly, fun, and obviously as stunned that we were at our 25th HIGH SCHOOL REUNION as I was.

The music, performed by a band of alumni led by my friend Mark, was out of this world good and I was as impressed with Mark’s vocals as I was his good-natured response to an alumnus from 1986 taking over his microphone to scream the lyrics to “Don’t You Forget About Me.”

Priceless.

But what really capped off the evening, and I mean REALLY, was me going up to an old professor and shouting, “Hey! You taught me how to type,” followed swiftly by the expletive “fucker.”

OMG.

I may have been referring to the time he gave me an unwanted, unsolicited, unpleasant backrub in class.

AWKWARD!

Over a barrel

michelleI’m not much for reunions.

Mostly because I hate the posturing and “hey-look-how-good-I-have-it” attitude.

And I keep in touch with all the people I want to keep in touch with.

Granted, it’s mostly through Facebook, but that counts.

Well, two musician friends who I follow on Facebook have put together a band to play our Reunion.

That’s right. They play in bands already and are coming together to entertain my high school class.

They’ve gone and done the one thing that I can’t resist the temptation to watch – they’re going to perform.

But it won’t be like it was in high school, playing covers of 80s and 90s music. Performing Gypsy’s “Everything’s coming up roses”. . .

Oh no.

These fellows are dark. Mysterious. Creative. Talented.

I’m guessing it’s a performance that will BLOW ME AWAY.

Who am I to resist?

They’re going to get to me eat my words and go to a reunion. . .

Fuckers!

 

* UPDATE: Just discovered that Reunion is NEXT weekend and I am not allowed to wear anything BESIDES cocktail attire to the Reunion. Fuck!

The Unavoidable Conflict Between Burning Man and Me

michelleI like music.

And I like dancing.

But EDM (electronic dance music)?  Well, it doesn’t really call to me.

Don’t get me wrong.

I love a throbbing beat as much as the next person.

It’s just that when I listen to music I enjoy words, and stories, and themes.

I have an embarrassing affection for disco, 80s music, rock operas, remixes, and mashups.  So I’ve got that going for me.

But EDM?  Not so much.

So you’re unlikely to catch me taking Molly and dancing out to dubstep.

Which makes me incompatible with some of Burning Man’s music scene.

However, you will catch me getting my groove on to just about every other kind of music that gets played at Burning Man.

In any case, Burning Man is so much more than EDM.  It’s people and art.  Creativity and spirtuality.  It’s bacon and dust.

Burning Man is about individuality and making your burn about your growth and pleasure.  So it’s okay that I’m not into EDM.

Maybe I’ll take a second look at it.  Or maybe I’ll shake my booty to Duran Duran’s “Rio.”

It’s my burn and I get to do what I want.

🙂

Mini break!

I’m on vacation.

A mini break, so to speak.

I’ve got half of Thursday off from work and all of Friday.

Why, you ask?

Because I’m going to Tahoe with my sister to see Peter Gabriel and Sting perform at Harvey’s Lake Tahoe.

stingPeterGabrielI’m so excited!

The last concert my sister and I saw there was Elton John.

I only remember half the concert because my sister and I drank a 5th of vodka, a bottle of wine, and about 5 Lagunita’s Sumpin’ Sumpin’s.

Oy! Can I tell you how hungover we were?

And then there was the unfortunate incident where I peeped my pants in the back of an Uber.

Nothing to wet the seat, just enough to wet my pants.

This is all because it took us FOREVER to get back to our hotel a few blocks away.

In our drunken stupor, neither one of us could navigate the streets very well and we got turned around.

So this year we were smart.

We booked a room at Harvey’s.

Woot!

Talk about a short walk home!

Elton John